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Jan 7, 2022

Feeld Notes: The Day I discovered polyamory was for me

In the third of our Feeld Notes stories of Feeld members' sexual discovery, Matt explains how a poly relationship suddenly made sense

I had been on Feeld for around three months when I met J, early in the spring of 2021. He is non-monogamous, married and has children. I’m new to non-monogamy so I was excited and nervous about having new experiences. I thought J was so handsome and his bio seemed sincere and welcoming. 

From his photos I saw that he was a musician (I am too!), so when we matched I messaged him first asking if I could borrow his synthesizers which I thought was a clever first line. Turns out he thought it was clever too and our conversation flowed so easily as we discussed our love for creating music, sharing soundbites and videos of our music projects. Soon we told each other that we were both looking for awesome people we could get freaky with so we exchanged numbers and ended up having wonderful conversations via text for about a month (we live a few hours away from one another so meeting in person took a while). I loved that we could have freaky conversations one moment and then discuss poetry the next.

On our first date I discovered J was indeed the sincere and warm man I thought he was. We shared tea, conversation in the park, a cuddly dinner and the sweetest kiss. We were both excited to meet a potential sexual partner who we also enjoyed hanging out with. The second time we planned to meet up he asked if I wanted to hang out with him, his wife, his kids and his wife's friends. This was the first time that I'd ever been given that kind of invitation so I sat with it for a day to make sure that I could give him an honest answer. I decided to hang out with them because I wanted to challenge my old ways of being. Talk about being nervous! Was I going to  behave awkwardly? Would his wife and kids like me? Would his wife's friends wonder who this random woman was? (These particular friends were not aware of their non-monogamy). 

As soon as I met up with them his wife immediately asked if she could hug me. She was lovely and her friends were sweet. I was nervous that I would feel like a third wheel but I felt included, especially when he offered an arm to both me and his wife to help us down a steep hillside. I felt respected and considered. Their daughter even said she liked my earrings which made me smile. When I thought it couldn't get any better, J said some tender words about me in front of his family that left me feeling cared for in a beautiful way. Nine months later, J and I are still seeing each other and I'm looking forward to what the future brings us.

Early this year I confidently decided I would be non-monogamous. I wasn't dating anyone at the time and I came to the conclusion that a non-monogamous lifestyle had the potential to challenge me in healthy ways. It could disrupt my old ways of thinking as well as attachments that weren't serving me. Through this experience I learned that in past relationships I hadn’t communicated what I truly wanted. This new connection showed me that clear communication of needs and desires is essential for a healthy and thriving relationship and for happiness more broadly. It’s also helped me to go a step further in respecting my boundaries as well as those of my partner.

I am still dating J and sometimes me and his wife will send messages to one another through him.

For anyone curious about Feeld that has yet to take the plunge and started to use the app, I would say this: before creating a profile on Feeld, be honest with yourself and clearly establish what it is that you're looking for, so that you can move with intention while respecting your boundaries and those of others.



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