Our “A Week on Feeld” series asks Feeld members to record a week of using the app—whether that’s back-to-back dates, long chats, and verbal foreplay, or reflective time on one’s own. As part of Monogamy Week, we’re following Kelly, who is wondering if anyone else out there is in a “just wanna have fun” phase of their adult life; this is her first time dating casually as an out, adult woman, and she’s paying extra attention to the concept of commitment.
MONDAY
I finished a big work deadline over the weekend, so I allow myself to sleep in. As the coffee is brewing I get back in bed and take out my laptop. If I’m alone, I masturbate almost every morning; sometimes with porn, sometimes just listening to music. When I open my phone over my coffee afterwards I’m still feeling really turned on, and I see a former flame who lives in another city has posted about a work trip. Things have cooled between us, but I still DM her and suggest she pack some toys we’ve used together, and come visit me instead. She flirts back, so the door seems open.
I have a date later with someone I’ve been seeing casually for a month. It’s been relaxed and fun overall, but I’m still feeling a little antsy about it. I find myself at a confusing crossroads in my dating life. I ended a long-term relationship at the start of the pandemic, and then spent it largely alone. Now that it feels possible to casually date in a responsible way again, I feel a little unsure about what I’m looking for: on some level, I know I’m craving companionship and romance, yet I also feel almost…clinically capable of being alone. Sometimes I'm worried I'll never really recover from that time, or if it’s better to just think of it as a natural realignment.
So lately I’ve been truly dating casually—sleeping around, I guess—for the first time in my out, adult life. I’m having a blast, but I’m surrounded by friends who are more traditionally settled down than I am. Sometimes I feel nagged by the idea that I should have a better sense of what I want in my 30s, or that I’m somehow wasting my time.
My date and I have some cocktails and end up back at her place. We hook up for a couple hours and then crash.
TUESDAY
We both have work, so we part ways early. I work all day and then meet up with a dear friend for dinner. We end up staying at a restaurant ‘til close, drinking natural wine and having one of those sprawling, meaty conversations about life and relationships that you only have with your real ones. She’s in a long-term queer relationship that is bumping up on hard divisions. She doesn’t feel she needs marriage to commit to her partner, but it’s become a non-negotiable for the partner. We talk about what kinds of wants and needs are reasonable to stick to, and which could or should be compromised. It’s one of those substantial conversations that feel unresolved in a way I always appreciate—it’s reassuring to know even friends who appear more domestically settled are grappling with big questions as well.
At the end of the night, I get propositioned at the bar by someone I’ve met out a couple times before. I’m tempted, but it’s late, and I’m pretty drunk. We exchange numbers, and agree we should hang out under more sober circumstances.
WEDNESDAY
When I’m using apps, as I have been for the past eight months or so, I find I’m more prone to meeting people out in the wild. I’m on a good roll with this lately, so I’ve been using the apps less frequently, but today I check in on my new matches and send off a few messages. One thing Feeld has made me think about more critically in a way I appreciate is verbalizing what it is I want in bed. I’m a switch, but I lean top, and am not always great about putting my needs out there. I’ve appreciated having to think more coherently about what turns me on, and then bringing it to life.
I know some people really like to chat on the app before meeting; but I’m partial to cutting to the chase if there’s mutual attraction to see if there’s real chemistry in person. One match and I chat for a bit, and I suggest we get a drink. She says she’s a little busy but will check in on Sunday.
THURSDAY
I meet some friends at a Gay Party at a bar. It’s mostly queer womxn, and the vibe is horny spring awakening—like the gays are coming out of hibernation. On the dance floor, someone pulls me aside and tells me her name, and we make out. She’s an incredible kisser. I rejoin my friends for a bit, but when the night is winding down my dance floor cutie finds me again and asks me if I want to hang out. We end up back at my place, where we smoke a joint and then hook up until sunrise. It’s a fun, unexpected night, and a reminder that there are other people out there firmly in the “just want to have fun” phase of their adult lives.
FRIDAY
We part ways, and I get a few more hours of sleep. My friends, a straight couple, are hosting a dinner party. It’s a blast, and even though it’s mostly couples, the conversation doesn’t get too domestic. (A few months ago, I found myself at dinner with a pair of straight couples discussing their “tilers”—as in, the people they hire to do their tiling. I resolved that night to only be the odd-wheel out under unavoidable circumstances.) I’m exhausted from my night out, and I head home early but tipsy…only to end up sending a few reckless texts around midnight—one to the out-of-town flame, and one to my Feeld match. Can’t wait to wake up and see how those went over.
SATURDAY
I go to a birthday party at a bar that is unexpectedly full of hot queer people, and it feels like a cosmic gift for putting in time with the heteros last night. Still, I end up talking to a friend for a long time about parenting. I don’t mind getting into it, but it’s not the ideal setting, either. There are hot queers in my area! I extract myself and meet some funny lesbians. We don’t seem to have any mutual friends or exes, which is shocking. Someone points out that bad first dates always drift into conversations about The L Word, since it’s every lesbian’s common ground. I exchange numbers with a cutie but feel unsure if it’s friendly or flirty, then head home on the early side.
SUNDAY
I wake up and masturbate for a while because I have nowhere to be, then go grocery shopping. Back home, I open Instagram and see the out-of-town flame has messaged to say she is, in fact, coming into town in a few weeks, and wants to get together. I decide I’ll order some toys before she visits—I have a few dildos on hand, but I used them with the last person I saw seriously, and stupid or not, they somehow feel emotionally loaded. They’re loaded dildos! I also hear from my Feeld match, who’s apologetic about not having been in touch. This time we exchange numbers and make plans for a drink in the coming week. I guess the lesson here is that the tipsy midnight sext always pays off.
