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You can be a feminist and have threesomes

There’s a lot of out there on the internet about threesomes, and a lot of clichéd and misinformed portrayals of what they look like and who is in them. What I want to talk about today is feminism and threesomes. Can you be a feminist and have a threesome?

The short answer is of course. The long answer requires clarifying some common assumptions that need to be debunked.

All feminists are not the same.

For starters let’s tackle a common assumption about feminism in general.  Anyone can be a feminist. Feminists come in different forms and they aren’t just women. Cisgendered men can absolutely be feminists and should be. This is how Dr. Juliet A Williams of UCLA’s Gender Studies department sees feminists and feminism: “Gender inequality and the gender system as a whole isn’t just bad for women, it’s very bad for men too. It saddles men and women with so many limiting stereotypes. Though this is a movement by, for and about women, it is something men are very much welcome to join. We need every man woman and child to be on board.”

All threesomes are not the same.

The mass media represents threesomes in a very male-centric way: a “hero” is attended by two beautiful, servile, personality-free women whose sole purpose is to fulfil his fantasies. On TV, threesomes are something for bros to high five about.

In real life, a threesome is equally about all three people who are involved. It might be any mix of genders and sexual orientations—one man and two women is fine, and so is the opposite. Or three women. Or two trans women and one man. Or whatever. The demographics aren’t the point: what matters is that everyone is enjoying themselves, and everyone is comfortable speaking up about what is and isn’t working for them.

Threesomes are not inherently unfeminist.

There’s a misconception that having a threesome is all about women being submissive or catering to a man’s fantasy. That’s just not true. Anyone can fantasize about having a threesome—it’s not reserved for men. If the idea of a threesome turns you and your partners on, go for it! Part of being a feminist is understanding that people of both genders should feel empowered to make whatever sexual choices they want.

A threesome can be incredibly sex positive and empowering if you work to make it that way. Find people that share the same sex politics as you. Be in touch with yourself and what you hope to get out of the experience, and be able to tactfully make sure everyone else is on board. Discuss safe sex guidelines because negotiation means fun every time.