Our “A Week on Feeld” series asks Feeld members to record a week of using the app—whether that’s back-to-back dates, long chats, and verbal foreplay, or reflective time on one’s one. This week we’re in New England with Allen, a homoflexible man in a ten-year monogamish relationship looking to date women.
I’m occupying that weird late 40s/early 50s space between young and old. I’m finding myself ten years into an ethically nonmonogamous gay relationship that’s settled into comfortable but staid, mostly sexless companionship.
I don’t sleep around but I do think about it. What I mostly desire are intense connections, like a “suck my brain into yours for a few hours/days/weeks and let’s see how the circuits rewire” sort of thing.
This desire for more ebbs and flows as the years roll on. I’m already living a non-traditional poly-ish lifestyle, attached to my primary partner but also to someone with whom I share a Mariana Trench-deep emotional bond: my platonic, male, heterosexual BFF.
Occasionally I’ll find myself on the apps looking for that smart guy with the soft face who will set off a brush fire in my mind. But alas, most guys I match with want the D, exclusively. (I learn from Feeld I’m a bit sapio—a new-to-me descriptor!).
The wheels of time do their thing, and last year I found something different bubbling up from the primordial ooze of my brain. This mostly-gay-but-identifying-as-homoflexible/bi dude is now finding himself with a later-in-life-desire to be with a woman, ideally one who would enjoy “controlling the conversation” so to speak. Leading the dance. Driving the car. (You get the idea…)
Wow, great! Let’s do it! But…so unconventional…is there anywhere to go for this? A Google search for “gay guy who wants to date women” uncovers this incredible app I’ve never heard of before.
Feeld becomes my portal to a world I knew existed, but did not know how to access.
On Monday, I’m traveling back from the tropics to cold and dreary New England, where I live. It’s a reset day and a good time to reflect on my Feeld journey, which started only in December and quickly produced promising results. I was frankly shocked, not by the wide variety of guys who clicked my heart icon on the daily (no ego, just what it is), but by the fact that some women did as well. When I signed up, I thought it would take months to even talk with somebody of the female persuasion, but a mostly gay guy interested in women is apparently of interest to some. And I’m grateful to be here.
I’m a little sad today, because I’m thinking about my “first date” from a few weeks ago. Ava was smart, kind, cute, not intimidating. Married with kids, she wanted something serious with somebody else to augment her pre-existing positive connections. We bonded over that, and a love of good music and good wine. We talked a lot. She was local. She loved my situation. Plans were made. Covid got in the way, but after a delay, we met for a drink. What I thought would be an hour or so turned into dinner and stretched into two hours, then four. We left and walked for another hour. Felt glorious and ended with a hug and a kiss. We continued the intensity by text, but there was never a “let’s meet again” follow up. I missed something, or she got scared, or who knows. She had a lot going on. We all do. I remain grateful to her as she got me out of my comfort zone and got me thoroughly into the mix.
I launch Feeld and look at the new humans who liked me. Sitting at the top of the pile is Thomas. He ensures that today will be different. Now, as I said, I’m on Feeld identifying as homoflexible/bi and that I’m looking for women. But the guys still knock, and it’s good. I am, after all, mostly gay, just focusing on something else at the moment. But Thomas turns my head. Young guy with a beautiful smooth face, deep eyes, big smile. Genuine. Does not look like an Instagram model. Looks smart. I click through and read his profile. Wow. Lots of effort is put into it. Upbeat, clearly intelligent, accomplished, and lots of mutual interests. We connect and start talking immediately and seemingly endlessly. It’s 2am and I need to work in the “morning.”
I’ve been looking forward to Thursday, as I’m meeting Claire from a town a few miles from me. We’d been talking a bit and she was quick to want to meet. Single and independent, she articulated why my situation was perfect for her, and it gave me further insight into how there could be something to this somewhat unorthodox goal of mine. Unfortunately, unlike with Ava, in person it was awkward from the start. I was uncharacteristically nervous to the point of inarticulacy, and she wasn’t saying all that much either. It was cordial but ended politely after one drink. Time to move on.
Honestly, though I’d been looking forward to meeting Claire on Thursday, I was really distracted by the new factor of Thomas. We continued to text throughout the day, and when my date with Claire ended, I was glad to get back to him. Today the connection just continued to deepen. So many texts you could print them out and weigh them on a scale. I’m in deep. It’s been 48 hours.
Extremely busy and social day packed with friends. I am grateful for the distraction, because I need to hit the brakes a bit. I can go over the cliff pretty easily. I had not planned to be on Feeld today, but Kim, a woman I chatted with briefly a month earlier, suddenly pops up again. She’s being funny and playful. I want very much to ask, but don’t…why did it take you a month to reply? I roll with it. She’s cool. Lives kinda far away though, and Thomas and…yea.
He and I are going to meet tomorrow. That’s the plan and I am freaking out. Will he find me ugly and stupid? Will he bail at the last minute? Or could this actually...work out?
So Monday…Monday…Monday…Perhaps this foray into connecting with a woman will fizzle out, quenched ironically by Thomas and I’ll be right back where I started, now with a third guy in my life. But what an awesome journey either way.
As long as you aren’t greedy, you can have it all. Have fun and stay safe. Keep Feeld the amazing place it is. Thanks for being here.