A guide to dating trans+ people, by trans+ people

Words by Maxine Heron, trans+ advocate and Online Comms Officer for Not A Phase.

You might be wondering why a guide to healthily dating trans+ people is necessary. What differs compared to dating in general, or dating other specific groups of people? In short, the trans+ community faces particular challenges compared to cis people when it comes to  dating—against the backdrop of a dangerous, culture-wide moral panic about gender identity and sexuality. 

Based on the last census report in England and Wales, trans+ people are estimated to make up about 0.5% of the population—that’s around 1 in 200 people. Compared to the rest of the trans+ community, trans women are the most visible group in the media (particularly when it comes to negative portrayals and political discourse), despite making up just 0.1% of  England and Wales’s population (1 in 1,000 people). According to YouGov, 2 in 5 Brits say they know a trans+ person, and the charity Just Like Us found that you are twice as likely to be an ally if you know a trans+ person in real life. However, at least 3 in 5 people within the UK are reliant on media portrayals and political discourse alone to shape their opinions about the trans+ community—a challenge that is reflected globally, and one that contributes to the moral panic our community continues to navigate.

The gulf between representation and reality can have a problematic effect. According to GLAAD’s yearly report, 73% of trans+ characters on TV are trans women. Although this speaks specifically to fictional depictions of the trans+ community, it is reflective of a broader oversight of other lived trans+ experiences (such as those of trans men and non-binary people). Given the media overexposure of trans women compared to other trans+ folks, many people’s introduction to the trans+ community is through cis-led media narratives around trans women. These portrayals often rely on fetishisation or scandal, and tend to commodify the entire spectrum of trans+ experiences into one bitesize stereotype, deemed valid through its proximity and servitude to the patriarchal male gaze. Stereotypes frequently imply that the sole purpose of transitioning is to become more desirable to straight men. These harmful portrayals further suggest that the only purpose of trans+ experiences is to expand the sexual fulfillment of those outside the community. 

But reality is far from stereotype, and education is key. By dating trans+ people healthily, practicing love and intimacy with care and thoughtful intention, we can help shape positive future narratives.

Where did the fetishization of trans+ people begin?

To understand how trans+ people are viewed in dating contexts, and in a broader social context, we can look to how they have been fetishized across histories and cultures. 

The fetishization of trans+ people is in part influenced by global sex work, including the sex tourism found in places like Thailand—where the word “ladyboy” was commodified throughout the ’70s and used to categorize sex workers as sought out by (often straight, cis) men seeking “exotic” experiences. Stereotypes borne in this exchange, reducing transgender women to sex objects, are exported globally through popular culture.

The online world also shapes the introduction of many internet users to the trans+ community. One porn streaming platform reported that the “transgender” category was streamed 58% more frequently in 2025 compared to the year before. Despite trans+ people making up less than 1% of the population, the “trans” category remains one of the most streamed categories globally on this porn site. The ways people consume online content are important to consider when discussing fetishization: people’s desires are shaped by culture, but culture is also shaped by these desires. While porn (and sex work more broadly) can be liberating for many performers and workers, the real-world effects can't be underestimated. It is important we cultivate a world in which trans+ people can exist and be valued within society in the same ways that those outside of the community can. A world in which trans+ people are humanized and valued, instead of seen only as a sub category on an X-rated site, is necessary. 

If your introduction to the trans+ community was via the online world, you can still help shape the culture trans+ people are navigating through lived experience and time spent with our community. The way you approach real-life relationships with trans+ people is one opportunity to be part of the change in creating a better world for us—and openly loving, showing up for, and proudly accepting trans+ people can have a profound influence in shaping our culture for the better. This has the potential to enrich the dating lives of all involved, and to help liberate trans+ people more broadly.

How can I challenge fetishization of trans+ people, creating a better dating world for the trans+ people I’m interested in?

Don’t pursue trans+ people if you feel any shame about your attraction to us 

For example, straight men might explore connections with trans women behind closed doors only, often because they fear judgment. While this may work for some trans women on a casual basis, it is important you don’t project your own internalized shame onto your romantic prospects. If you aren’t ready to be perceived in public with a trans+ date, you aren’t ready to healthily date this community. If you wouldn’t welcome trans+ people into your life as friends, this is a sign you may need to spend time reflecting on and working through these feelings before potentially causing harm to trans+ people in the context of dating.

Do the work

Humanize trans+ people by reading our literature, following community advocates on social media and resharing their content, listening to our podcasts and interviews, and supporting trans+ led organisations. To challenge discrimination and inequality, redistribute your power in ways available to you, and ensure those around you know your stance within current debates. As we collectively create a better world for trans+ people, more of the community will be able to approach the dating landscape without a scarcity mindset, and without feeling that they have to compromise on their own needs and desires. 

Lead by example—dating trans+ people is as normal as you actively make it 

While you may not have a script to follow for disclosing that you are open to dating trans+ people, those close to you with good intentions should want you to be happy. More people than you may realize will have experience with and interest in trans+ communities in some capacity. You can become the representation others need to feel more open sharing their own interest in any trans+ dating prospects. You can also seek to connect with other partners of trans+ people, to foster visibility via shared experience.

Approach trans+ connections with a blank slate 

Try to leave expectations at the door. Approach each new person as an individual first, instead of as a label—allowing them to lead the conversation about what works for them, instead of applying your own preconceptions. A dynamic needs space to move, and it’s something you cocreate together. 

Be patient with yourself if you’re still working things out 

Even if dating trans+ people is uncharted territory for you, lead with compassion, openness, and clear communication. We don’t expect anyone to get things right 100% of the time, but we do hope people will try their best to prioritize kindness and a willingness to learn. Act with integrity and good intentions, regardless of whether you’re connecting with trans+ people, or those from other communities. 

Trans+ people don’t only represent themselves, but are represented by those who know and love us. By speaking about trans+ people in your life, and rooting for them with the best intentions, you can flip the script on misconceptions surrounding our community. 

At Not A Phase, our mission is to uplift the lives of trans+ adults across the UK. We support over 5,000 monthly Service Users with in-person fitness classes, online peer-led support groups, sober spaces, and community led projects, and we are active campaigners for the protection of trans+ rights. For more, visit notaphase.org or follow @notaphaseorg. 

Want to read more about dating within the trans+ community? Explore our guides to dating cis men as a trans woman, and the behavior to avoid when dating a trans person.