A guide to dating with herpes

It’s a Wednesday, you’re sitting in your underwear on the sofa, and suddenly you feel that familiar tingle down there. No, not the sexy tingle, the tingle that will turn into an itch, and an itch that will spread into a painful herpes flare-up. And you have a date this weekend. Ouch. What are you meant to do?

According to the World Health Organization, one in five adults has genital herpes. You read that right. One in five. Yet still the stigma lives on. Herpes is a viral infection caused by the Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV). The virus generally causes little blisters or sores in the infected area (usually the genitals or the mouth). These blisters can be painful and itchy. While it is most contagious when in contact with open sores, HSV is passed through skin-to-skin contact. Herpes lives in the body and is characterized by recurrent flare-ups. It is incurable, but flare-ups generally become less frequent over time, and, in some cases, symptoms can be managed by medication.

I contracted herpes in the summer of 2019, a time when Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” and The Joker movie were hot topics. I’d been sleeping with somebody who had just flown off to Bali to “find himself.” On day three of his travels, I developed what I initially brushed off as a bad UTI. Six months later, enlightened and in the thick of the COVID-19 lockdown, my summer fling called me up and told me he’d probably given me herpes. Bummer. 

I’ve lived with herpes for over six years now, and throughout this time, I’ve dated a lot. While it’s definitely a literal pain in the ass, as a poly bisexual gal, I’ve learnt to date while having herpes. In what follows, I’ll share insight from my own experiences and draw from the advice of sexual health experts to offer suggestions for how to open conversations about herpes, understand your own body, and date safely and enjoyably.

Getting comfortable talking about it

For people who are positive for herpes, a major source of anxiety can be the prospect of talking about it. The sooner we remove the shame associated with STIs, the sooner we increase safety and understanding around sexual health. I spoke to Courtney W. Brame—founder and host of the herpes podcast Something Positive For Positive People (SPFPP) and collaborator with public health organization, BHOC (Building Healthy Online Communities)—who told me that “the responsibility of communicating about sexual health shouldn’t always default to, and be the burden of, a person who has herpes.”

Conversations surrounding sexual health shouldn’t be shameful, but so often there is an associated stigma that can lead to shame. I’ve been there, anticipating rejection before I even know the other person’s experience with STIs. But the truth is, everyone has a responsibility to look after their own sexual health and pleasure—and the health and wellbeing of others—regardless of whether they have herpes, chlamydia, HIV or none of the above.

To ensure I feel comfortable discussing sexual health, I try to stay as informed as possible. When I talk about it, I lay out the facts and calmly correct any misconceptions. I learn about other STIs, too. I have little interest in dating people who don’t take the time to educate themselves, or who aren’t open to having a sensible conversation. When discussing a herpes status with a partner, Brame suggests starting a conversation around sexual health in general by saying something like: “I get tested this frequently. I'm tested for these things. I got tested this way, and herpes came back positive. What about you?” It’s important to not forget about that last part: What about you? Sexual health should be a conversation, a mutual discussion, and not limited to the notion of “a disclosure.” For more information on how to lead with honest conversations about STI status and safer sex, take a look at the Feeld guide to prioritizing sexual health and safety—as well as guides to STI testing, and how to self-test. 

Being open and telling people I know has helped me to feel less isolated. Through this, I’ve discovered that some of my friends have herpes. There’s comfort in swapping stories, tips, and advice, and having someone to turn to when struggling with the emotional or physical aspects of HSV. 

Understanding your body

Get used to listening to your body and understanding your triggers. As the Herpes Virus Association (HVA) details, triggers can vary for different people; for some, it’s diet, for others, it’s stress or lack of sleep. For me, it’s my period. The National Library of Medicine states that 70-90% of people with genital herpes have approximately four outbreaks a year. As the HVA notes, this usually lessens over time. I’m unfortunately part of a group of people who experience monthly herpes outbreaks around my menstrual cycle. In a way, the regularity of my herpes sucks, and in another way, it means I can plan my dating life around flare-ups. Cute!

In the HVA’s helpful and exhaustive document “All you need to know about genital herpes,” they outline that, “visible symptoms are much more infectious than invisible ‘shedding.’” This means that herpes is generally more contagious when someone is having a flare-up or “outbreak.” I never have penetrative sex during an outbreak. If I’m sleeping with somebody new, I’ll always inform them of my status and use a condom.

There are plenty of ways to be intimate that don’t involve penetrative sex. You can have a lot of fun using sex toys or just exploring each other’s bodies. BHOC says that “people living with herpes can be on treatment that reduces outbreaks and reduces chances of passing it on to sex partners.” Everyone has their own experience of herpes and their own way of dealing with outbreaks. For me, my number one priority is keeping my stress levels low, exercising regularly, and eating well. A National Library of Medicine article outlines that “stressful life events can suppress several components of the immune response and [...] these effects are large enough to have biological and health consequences.” Though it’s sometimes challenging, given that stress can be a contributing factor to outbreaks, it’s always good to stay on top of your mental health, as it’s so tied to physical health. That being said, I know what it’s like to feel stressed by the imperative to stay calm. Being kind to yourself goes a long way when your brain and body aren’t quite cooperating.

Dealing with your diagnosis

Finding out you have herpes can feel embarrassing and scary (I’ve been there). The truth is, there’s a lot of shame and fear associated with herpes, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You may even feel angry or upset with the person you contracted it from. If you’re struggling, the BHOC recommends finding support groups run by people with herpes, and taking the time to process your diagnosis both in community and alone. The HVA runs online and in-person events for HSV positive people in the U.K., and SPFPP offers support groups and support calls for herpes positive people. Jolene Hernandez, who produced the brilliant herpes documentary, No Shame In This Game suggests “[taking] time away from dating to assess how you’re feeling after your diagnosis.” This is something I did, and it helped me to reconnect with myself—but how you choose to approach dating, and your timeline, is entirely your choice. 

Brame adds, “People will get diagnosed with herpes and just completely forget who they are outside of their [sexual life].” He uses the analogy of 360 degrees in a circle: “Herpes is one direction of your identity. What about the other 359 that were there prior?” This is so important. It took me a minute after my diagnosis and the ensuing anxiety to remember that I love writing, painting, and playing football/soccer. Eventually, I started feeling myself again, I remembered that I looked good in that dress I’d thrifted, that people could find me desirable. I remembered that I was more than my diagnosis.

Telling people you know

If you’ve been diagnosed with herpes, it’s important to tell people before you’re intimate with them. Informed consent is vital, and it’s sexy. The first time I slept with somebody after being diagnosed went like this: I was in a cramped toilet at a house party with a friend I was crushing on. She kissed me. Result! I had already shared with her that I had HSV a couple of hours before. Still, fumbling about in bed later that night, I reminded her, allowing her to make her own decision about what she felt comfortable doing. This was the start of a string of very successful disclosures to sexual partners who I already knew and trusted. Sometimes we opt for mutual masturbation, other times it's a condom or dental dam on, and let’s go!

Beyond conversations with sexual partners, I prefer to tell people I know casually. If it comes up, I drop it into conversation and don’t make it a big deal. Herpes can be incredibly stigmatized, and part of that stigma lives on because people act like herpes is an awful curse. Understanding how it works and my own sexuality has been key to accepting that herpes is not the end of the world (and that’s coming from somebody who gets monthly flare-ups). Still, telling people you know and trust is likely to be easier than telling new connections. You have a sense of who they are, and might already know that you share a similar ethos around sexual health.

If someone is new in your life, you may not have spent enough quality time together or built up enough of a connection to feel like you fully trust them. Trust is important when sharing something like a herpes status. When it comes to telling new people, I’ll try to gauge our level of connection and their politics and values before sharing that I have herpes. But if I’m sleeping with them, I’ll always tell them before we’re intimate.

Telling people from dating apps

When it comes to dating apps, your considerations around disclosure might feel slightly more challenging. Do you tell them before you meet? Do you put it on your profile? How will they react? If you want to put it in your bio, that’s your prerogative. Personally, I’ve always preferred to tell people I’m vibing with after we’ve been chatting for a while, or in person on a date—once I’ve shared some of my shiny personality with them. I can understand the impulse to put it on your profile or shout from the rooftops: “I HAVE HERPES!” I spoke about this with Brame, and he suggested that this can be a defence mechanism keeping people from anticipating rejection and the emotional exhaustion of having that conversation: #hardrelate.

If a dating app conversation is going well, I’ve tried sending a simple message: “Hey, just so you know, I’ve got herpes. If this isn’t a dealbreaker for you, I’d love to go on a date.” Best-case, they’re cool with it, they’re informed, and you have a fun night lined up! Worst-case, they’re rude, and you’ve dodged a bullet. At the end of the day, you deserve kindness, but it’s also important to respect other people’s boundaries. Rejection stings, but if somebody doesn’t feel emotionally or physically able to deal with the reality of herpes, it’s their choice if they want to end the connection.

The reactions I’ve received have been varied, but overall, positive. One of the best parts about having herpes is that I’ve learnt to date at a pace that works for me; I listen to my instincts and don’t push sexual intimacy before I’m ready. Personally, I now prefer to build an emotional connection with someone before sleeping together. I want to feel close to people before discussing my herpes status. I told one soon-to-be sexual partner whilst in the shower. We hadn’t slept together yet, but we were emotionally intimate enough to shower together—and so I felt comfortable enough to open the conversation.

Good to know 

According to the HVA:

• Genital herpes is the result of herpes simplex type 1 (HSV1) or herpes simplex type 2 (HSV-2). Oral herpes is more commonly HSV1.
• It’s estimated that one in three people with herpes shows symptoms of the virus. People infected with herpes who never experience symptoms (outbreak or sensation) are known as asymptomatic carriers.

• Herpes is transmitted through skin-to-skin contact, usually on the mouth or genitals. It can be transmitted by having sex with somebody with HSV or receiving oral sex from somebody with oral herpes.
• Herpes is most transmissible during a flare-up; but the virus can still be transmitted when you’re not showing symptoms (this is known as asymptomatic shedding).
• Medication and protection, such as condoms and dental dams, can reduce the chances of transmission, but won’t completely rule transmission out.
• Informed consent is vital whenever engaging in sexual intimacy. Disclose your herpes status and discuss sexual health before engaging in sexual activity.
• If you have an oral herpes flare-up and are concerned about transmission, avoid kissing and oral sex during the time you’re experiencing symptoms and sensation.
• When experiencing a flare-up, go easy on yourself. Try to reduce your stress and understand your triggers.
• Where necessary, you can take painkillers such as ibuprofen or paracetamol to reduce pain. A local anaesthetic or numbing cream can be prescribed by a doctor if symptoms are particularly sore. If experiencing pain during urination, some people find it helpful to pour water over the affected area (in a bath or shower) whilst urinating. Some people take antiviral medication when experiencing flare-ups and others take daily antivirals to keep symptoms at bay.
• You are unlikely to be re-infected with herpes, though you can contract a different strain. If this happens, symptoms are likely to be mild. As a result, if you and your sexual partner have the same type of herpes, you’re unlikely to catch it again in a different place.

When someone is dating you, they’re not just dating your herpes status; they’re dating your personality, your love of tennis, your quirky ceramic mug collection, or your weird moves on the dancefloor. You are interesting, exciting, and deserving of a fulfilling sex life, so go forth and put yourself out there if you so desire.

If you’re ready to meet others who approach connection openly, authentically, and with curiosity, you can find what you’re looking for—and more about yourself—on Feeld.