The Feeld guide to mutual masturbation, the most underrated type of sex
Why parallel pleasure can bring you closer as partners.
Close your eyes and conjure up visions of your most delicious sexual fantasies. Are you envisaging threesomes? Pet play? Al fresco friskiness? How about memories of your wildest sex ever? A fetish club in Berlin? The makeup after the temporary breakup, tenderly kissing each inch of each other’s bodies? Those sweaty 24 hours on vacation in Ibiza?
The purpose of this little exercise—beyond the fun of it—is to show how it’s likely that, in any fantasy scenario or tenderly held erotic memory, mutual masturbation doesn’t typically make the cut. Despite the fact that it’s one of the few forms of sexual connection that is practically guaranteed to end in shared satisfaction, it’s often not even considered sex at all. But what if I told you that, for some, synchronized self-pleasure is a beloved staple of their sexual repertoire?
A 2023 study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health surveyed 117 women and 151 men, the majority of whom were in heterosexual couples, and found that around half (50.7%) had recently engaged in mutual masturbation, and that recent mutual masturbation was associated with greater overall sexual satisfaction. But it’s not just straight couples: parallel self-pleasure can be a powerful way to connect with what you and your partner(s) most enjoy—no matter how you identify, or what kind of relationship dynamics you’re exploring. And perhaps more of us are into it than we realize.
To find out more, we spoke to real-life people about what they love about mutual masturbation, and consulted a sexologist about how to make it even better.
What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation is pretty self-explanatory: it’s the act of erotically touching yourself while someone else is in the room, preferably also touching themself. It can form part of a wider sexual scenario, as foreplay or after one of the individuals has climaxed, or it can be the main event in and of itself. Oh, and of course, sex toys can be involved.
So, what’s the appeal? Well, there’s the obvious: if you’re in charge of your own pleasure, guided just by your own tastes and the reaction of your body, it’s pretty likely that you’ll have a good time. If you’re getting off while your sexual partner is doing the same, there’s the pleasure of seeing and being seen: the visual and auditory stimulation of witnessing someone you’re attracted to moaning, losing themselves in the moment, and maybe even climaxing.
Mutual masturbation is also a welcome deviation from the “sexual script,” i.e. the cultural norms around what constitutes “real sex,” which often boils down to kissing + foreplay + penetration = sex. When we touch ourselves solo, we’re much less motivated by how we “should” have sex and are instead simply rooted in our own bodies and following what feels good. In some ways, this makes mutual masturbation a new opportunity for authentic connection: a chance to take the often privatized realities of masturbation and share them with a partner.
Trained sexologist and intimacy coach Georgia Rose concurs. “Mutual masturbation requires things that are difficult for people when it comes to sex: communication, vulnerability, confidence, and the willingness to go “off script,” Rose explains. “When it comes to mutual masturbation, there has to be a willingness to be witnessed. You're choosing to be seen, and to reveal how you experience pleasure on your own terms, whilst also giving permission to your partner(s) to do the same.”
Ultimately, this level of intimacy can feel vulnerable, but it makes the connection all the more electric. “This type of closeness can feel confronting, but it can be a really intimate and authentic way to erotically connect and strip back any performance or ‘autopilot’ behavior that we can sometimes fall into when ‘going through the motions,’’’ Rose adds.
Mutual masturbation fans share why they love it
What makes mutual masturbation so sexy? Well, it depends on the individual, but there are plenty of people ready to enthusiastically endorse the practice.
For 41-year-old Sam*, the pleasure stems from learning more about a partner’s sexual preferences. “I find it incredibly sexy and, because I’m a nerd, very informative. My partner is going to show me exactly how they feel pleasure? Where’s my notepad?!,” they joke. “I find it very attractive when someone knows their body so well.”
Rose agrees; If you want to get to know what turns on a new or established partner, mutual masturbation is an invaluable tool. “It's such an intimate and direct way to become attuned to your partner's body, pleasure, and preferences,” the sexologist explains. “If your partner enjoys solo sex, then they already know how their body likes to be touched. Mutual masturbation is like getting a front-row seat to that knowledge.”
Some things you might want to keep an eye out for include their favored stroke patterns, pressure, speed, rhythm, where they linger, what they ignore, and how their body responds.
Mutual masturbation can also appeal to the exhibitionists among us. “I love to be watched, but only consensually, so mutual masturbation at home—and play of all kinds at play parties—is how I satisfy that craving,” Sam adds.
There are also ways to enliven the experience, playing with parallel self-pleasure to make it even more thrilling. “I like to have my partner tell me what to do so it’s like they’re directing me,” Sam explains. “With or without that, it feels very connected as we are both engaged with each other and our own bodies simultaneously. It feels mutual and not an isolated experience, it is a very shared experience.”
It can also be enjoyed long-distance when partners live in different cities or are traveling separately. “I love it in person next to each other, whether as foreplay or the main event itself, but it’s also a wonderful tool when we’re apart. We can do it through manual self-stimulation or with toys (app-synced or analogue), it’s just playful and fun,” Sam concludes.
Bethany is also a major mutual masturbation fan, highlighting that parallel play shouldn’t be relegated to the category of foreplay. “My experience of mutual masturbation has been a massive turn-on. It can be foreplay, but it can also be the full act of intimacy,” they explain. “Locking eyes with someone while touching and pleasuring yourself creates this element of fantasy in the real moment. It's the idea of what you're going to do to each other, but you're actually in each other's company and pleasuring yourselves.”
She also emphasizes the importance of parallel play as a non-penetrative form of pleasure. “I've found that if you have any difficulty with penetration, or if you're having pain or any uncomfortability around your genitals, mutual masturbation can be a really nice way to share intimacy together without having to worry about pain or discomfort.”
How to make mutual masturbation feel more connected
Feeling inspired to try mutual masturbation in your next erotic encounter? The first step towards diving in may well be shifting your own internal biases about the idea of touching yourself during partnered sex.
“We've been sold a very narrow definition of sex and, as a result, we risk seeing other things (aka ‘foreplay’) as just a warm-up,” Rose explains. “This really does us all a huge disservice because there are so many other sexual acts that are just as sexy, erotic, and intimate as penetration, maybe even more so. I'd argue that mutual masturbation absolutely sits in that category.”
It’s not just about embracing a broadened definition of sex, but allowing an act which is often framed as private or secretive into a partnered or group context. “There’s also something a little subversive about mutual masturbation,” agrees Rose. “Masturbation still carries cultural baggage. Even in sex-positive circles, it’s often framed as private, solo, a little secret. Bringing it into a shared space of erotic play can feel edgy and intimate, in a way [that] penetration sometimes isn’t.”
Once you’re ready to delve into mutual masturbation, you might be thinking about how to broach the subject with your partner(s). The best way to do so is—no surprise—open communication. Rose has a couple of pre-prepared verbal starters, and recommends phrases like; “I’d love to watch you touch yourself”, “Do you want to see how I touch myself when I’m alone?”, or “Can we just stay here and touch ourselves for a bit?”.
If you’re too nervous to explicitly introduce the subject, you can try non-verbal cues. “If you’re already in an established erotic moment, you might want to begin touching yourself slowly and deliberately,” Rose advises. “Then check in with a phrase like, ‘Do you like watching me?’ or ‘Would you want to join me?’”
For those of us who’ve been with a partner for a long time, mutual masturbation can become less like a commitment to exploration and more like a fail-safe way to answer mutual horniness as efficiently as possible. But how do you reclaim the eroticism of the experience and ditch the impulse to treat it as a quick fix or a lazy way of simply 'finishing things off’?
Rose recommends taking things slower and choosing intentionality over routine. “Treat it with the same intentionality as you would penetrative sex, because it is sex,” she adds. “It’s not about racing to orgasm together simultaneously. It’s about sharing the erotic field. The intimacy and eroticism isn’t in the climax: it’s in the witnessing.”
Oh, and be sure to embrace spontaneity, as a way of being fully present in the moment. “Try not to take it too seriously: sex is messy, it's silly, it's awkward at times,” Rose reminds us. “A sense of humor goes a long way.”
To delve deeper into how to share your preferences with a partner, take a look at our guide to communicating your desires. And if you want to spend more time sitting with your likes, dislikes, and curiosities, you can explore them with our Reflections self-discovery tool. Ready to uncover more about yourself, and connect with those who get it? Find what you’re looking for on Feeld.
