How to stay authentic in sex and dating

Professor and licensed therapist Dr. Sara Al-Khedairy calls it masking: presenting “what we perceive may be a more palatable, desirable, or ‘acceptable’ version of ourselves,” in a bid to stay in connection with someone. Like we said, we’ve all done it. There’s no judgment. But masking over our authentic selves isn’t necessarily productive for building meaningful, sustainable connections.

It’s why we developed Reflections—a free self-discovery tool from Feeld: to help you better understand and communicate who you are—and what you want—in your relationships. 

Here, we’re diving deeper to explore questions that encourage honesty and authenticity. What does it mean to be your authentic self, really? How can we be more authentic in sex, dating, and relationships? And why is it so important? 

What does it mean to be authentic?

Personal authenticity starts with accepting ourselves—our needs, priorities, sexualities, desires—as they truly are. The most authentic people are generally comfortable with what they think, like, want, and don’t want, and they’re able to honor it in their daily lives and connections. 

Maybe it’s how you like to dress, how you spend your time, or what brings you joy. Maybe it’s what kind of sex you’re into, what kind of relationship you want, where your boundaries are, and what you need from partners.

Naturally, all of this can shift over time, and figuring it out is a whole journey. Authenticity is an ongoing practice, not a fixed destination. But overall, it’s about permitting yourself to be the truest, happiest version of you—whatever that feels like in your current season of life.

What might block authenticity?

It’s all too easy to lose or suppress parts of ourselves in relationships. “Many of us learn early on that having needs, emotions, or boundaries can feel risky; that they might make us unlovable or expendable,” says Al-Khedairy. “So, we shrink, soften, or silence parts of ourselves in order to stay connected.”

Maybe it looks like sacrificing your values to fit in with a partner’s, avoiding hard conversations out of fear of conflict, or “performing” the person you think they want.

“Our current dating culture often encourages a ‘go with the flow,’ cool-[person]-with-no-needs energy,” elaborates Al-Khedairy. “Sometimes that avoidance is about convenience, but often it’s about fear—fear of being too much, or of narrowing our options by being honest.”

Authenticity can be hard. It requires vulnerability, risk, and the knowledge that we might be rejected. But the right partner(s)—the people you can build real, nourishing, sustainable connections with—will want to know and understand the real you. 

“Letting someone see you in your full, authentic expression is what allows trust and closeness to deepen,” says Al-Khedairy. “Without that willingness to be seen, relationships [can] remain shallow or conditional.” And you might find that they’re not the most satisfying or sustainable for you in the long run.

How to be your authentic self—in relationships and beyond

“Part of the work on being your most authentic self begins internally, by getting curious about your own values, needs, and wants without judgment—and giving yourself permission to have them, even when larger societal narratives may take a different stance,” says Al-Khedairy. 

Try reflecting on these questions:

• What kinds of connections (romantic, sexual, emotional, or communal) feel nourishing to me?
• What helps me feel safe, desired and seen?
• What are the most important parts of my life or self that I want to prioritize in relationships?
• Where do I feel most energized or drained in connection with others?
• What expectations or relational norms am I ready to release, and which ones still feel important to me?
• What am I no longer willing to compromise on?

If you’re wondering about whether you want a casual relationship, a deep partnership, something non-monogamous, or something romantically/sexually exclusive, these questions can help steer you toward the best fit for you, and can help you be more authentic about it.

“Because our needs and capacities change over time,” reiterates Al-Khedairy, “this kind of reflection isn’t one-and-done—it’s an ongoing conversation with yourself and with others.”

Feeld’s Reflections tool offers a powerful way to explore your most authentic self—with guided questions to help you piece together your needs, boundaries, and desires in relationships. The tool is designed to support you in better understanding yourself, while offering you the language to communicate your preferences and priorities with others. (And for more help articulating what you’re searching for, take a look at our guide to crafting an authentic Feeld profile).

How to have authentic conversations about what you want in a relationship

Whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous, any new relationships or connections may likely involve a conversation about what you’re looking for, where your connection is going, and whether you want to use any labels. These kinds of talks can feel intimidating, especially in the early stages of dating. It might seem scary because it’s vulnerable: what if they reject you, or they don’t want what you want? 

The thing is, “clarity doesn’t create rejection,” Al-Khedairy says. “It just reveals misalignment sooner. And early misalignment isn’t failure—it’s information. Naming your desires invites the people who are aligned, and filters out the ones who aren’t, saving everyone time and emotional energy.”

Al-Khedairy suggests some conversation starters, including questions to ask partners or those you connect with. For example: 

• “What kind of connections are you hoping for right now?”
• “What does a fulfilling relationship look like to you at this stage of your life?”
• “Are you dating with a sense of openness, or hoping for something more defined?”
• “What feels important for you in how you relate to others?”

“Wanting clarity doesn’t make you demanding; it makes you intentional,” emphasizes Al-Khedairy. “And being intentional is one of the most self-honoring things we can do in relationships.”

Addressing fears around authenticity 

Authenticity requires a level of vulnerability. Because of this, it can sometimes feel as though you’re oversharing with people you connect with, or you might fear coming across as “too much.” Ultimately, the amount you choose to share early on is up to you, and will depend on what you’re comfortable with. Understanding and respecting your own boundaries is key. You can find out more in our guide to setting boundaries in casual dating. 

But take it from the expert: “You’re not ‘too much’ for the right people. You can be too much for people who don’t have the capacity, alignment, or desire to meet you where you are. And that’s not a personal failing; it’s a mismatch.” The more useful question, Al-Khedairy says, isn’t “Am I too much?” but “Is this connection asking me to abandon myself?”

At the same time, authenticity in relationships doesn’t mean constant, unfiltered vulnerability, either. “Trust and safety are built over time, and being fully yourself in a relationship is a process that involves pacing and discernment.”

“You are not not ‘too much’ for wanting to be seen,” Al-Khedairy continues. “The work is staying visible long enough to discover who can truly meet you there.”

Authenticity in sexual relationships

Advocating for our true sexual desires can feel especially vulnerable in any connection. “Many of us carry shame about sex, internalized ideas about what’s ‘normal,’ or gendered messages (especially for those of us socialized as womxn) about being passive rather than active participants in pleasure,” says Al-Khedairy. 

It can sometimes feel easy to stay quiet and go with the flow, following your partner(s) instead—but this can mean your needs go unmet, rather than being prioritized.

So, here are Al-Khedairy’s top tips for starting better conversations about what you really want:

• Give yourself permission. Your desires are valid, and your pleasure matters. Plus, the right partner will want to please you. They’ll find it really hot.
• Lower the pressure. Talking to your partner about sex “doesn’t have to be about big, formal conversations,” says Al-Khedairy. Just lead with curiosity: like, “What’s been feeling good lately?”, “Is there anything you’ve been wanting more or less of?”, or “Are there things you’ve been curious to try?” Then you can share your feelings, too.
• Name uncertainty or discomfort. Telling your partner that you struggle to talk about sex, and/or advocate for your desires (if you do), can build closeness and trust.
• Consider a sex/relationships therapist. This may be especially helpful if discussing sex and sexuality feels new or unclear, says Al-Khedairy. 

Part of this means discovering more about your own interests, and then being intentional about how you share them with others. You can delve deeper in our guide to communicating your desires—and you can share your Reflections results with partners to help them better understand your wants, needs, and most authentic sexual self.

Staying authentic in sex and dating isn’t about having everything figured out. But it is about paying attention to what feels true for you, and letting your partner(s) see that. Ultimately, it’s authenticity that opens the door for deeper, lasting connections, and meaningful, sustainable relationships. 

To dig deeper into your wants, needs, desires, boundaries, and priorities in relationships, try Reflections, a free self-discovery tool for the curious. Go beyond the surface with Feeld.