Setting boundaries for casual dating

Almaz Ohene, a writer and creative working across sexuality education, breaks down how to manage expectations when dating casually. 

Boundaries are basic guidelines that people create for themselves to establish how others ought to behave and communicate with them. Setting boundaries can ensure that relationships—no matter how casual—are mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring.

Boundary setting can encourage you to dismantle habitual patterns, and become more intentional about how you show up for yourself—and how you expect others to treat you. Though establishing boundaries might feel frightening, the goal of instilling them is to allow greater, invited intimacy between you and other people. 

What’s more, maintaining your own boundaries can help you find your way to people you’re likely to feel good around. If someone is unwilling to adhere to your boundaries, then this may be a red flag, and they’re probably not someone you want to be dating anyway.

Whether you’re talking to somebody on Feeld, or heading out on a first date, let’s take a look at how you can establish (and maintain) boundaries around messaging, first meetings, emotional conversations, and sexual limits. 

Boundaries when messaging

Everyone has different expectations around messaging. You may want to set boundaries around how frequently you chat, plus the length of conversation and questions you want to ask in order to feel safe meeting in person. 

When it comes to messaging habits, some people prefer to talk consistently throughout the day, while others may only be available to chat at particular times. You may find yourself feeling anxious if somebody’s responses slow down or change in tone—or you may want to avoid giving the impression that you’re disinterested if you’re just busy. For all parties, it can help to be clear when managing expectations around your availability. Try messaging something like:

• “I’m about to hop into a meeting and probably won’t be able to reply again for another four hours.”
• “I’m going to be busy traveling today, but I’ll message you when I get home.”
• “I’m not usually on my phone a lot during the day, but I can message in the mornings and evenings when I’m available.”

You might also set boundaries around how long you want to chat on Feeld for before giving somebody your number or moving to a different platform. It can also be productive to discuss whether you enjoy talking over message, or whether you’d prefer voice notes or calls instead (if you take your conversation off of Feeld). 

Letting somebody know your communication preferences doesn’t make you seem pushy or intense. Instead, it helps ensure that your connection progresses at a rate that feels right for you.

Think about any other depth or information you need in order to feel safe meeting in person. Some things to consider: 

• How long you want to chat for before meeting.
• What the other person’s intentions are around your connection, and what they’re looking for.
• Any other partners they may have. 
• Any information you’d like to gather around their life: their job, hobbies, interests, and personality. 
• Anything else that would make you feel more comfortable to meet in person. 

Boundaries around a first date

Once you’ve decided to take the conversation offline and meet IRL, you may want to set some boundaries around the plans for a first date or meeting. You might discuss things like: 

• Where you want to meet: Think about where you’ll feel most comfortable, whether that be a walk in the park or drinks at a bar. Many people find they feel safer meeting in a public place rather than going straight to somebody’s home. 
• How long you want to stay out: You can set temporal boundaries before the date by saying that you’ll only be able to stay an hour or two. You might also prefer to arrange a meeting with a friend, or book tickets for a class or event, afterwards—so that you have a hard stop on when you’ll need to leave the date. 
• Whether you want alcohol to be involved on the date: If you’d prefer that it isn’t, make it clear that you’d like to meet for coffee, a walk, or non-alcoholic drinks instead.

These are all helpful conversations to have beforehand. But you can keep establishing and setting boundaries while you’re on the date, too. You might decide that this is your final drink and that you’re not up for any more, or that you’re not ready to hold hands just yet. You can be clear about when it’s time to leave, too. Simply saying that you’ve had a great time and you’re heading home is enough—you don’t need to have other plans. 

Emotional boundaries

In casual dating, although you’re connecting with someone, it’s OK to also have limits on the emotional topics you want to discuss, or how deep you want things to get. Boundaries can include not talking about something that’s potentially sensitive, like:

• Your salary
• Exes or other partners
• Traumatic experiences
• Sexual experiences, kinks, or interests, if you’re not ready

This can also include refusing to do emotional labor for someone else by educating them about social justice issues like racism or gender inequality.

If someone pushes you on these topics, doesn’t respect your boundaries, speaks critically of you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s worth considering whether this is a red flag, and whether you feel safe continuing to spend time with them. 

Physical and sexual boundaries

The only person who knows the right time to get physical is you. It’s entirely possible that your boundaries and comfort level can change over time, or as you get to know the person you’re meeting. 

What’s key is to check in with yourself. Some questions to consider during a date are:

• Am I feeling comfortable?
• Am I feeling safe?
• Am I seeing any red flags?
• How do I feel about spending more time with this person?
• Am I feeling sexually attracted to, or connected to this person?
• Can I see this going further? Can I see myself being sexual with this person? 

Physical boundaries might involve not engaging in public displays of affection (PDA), or choosing not to have sex on the first date. It’s also important to have open and honest conversations about sexual health, including your STI (sexually transmitted infection) statuses, testing habits, and preferences for protection, before being intimate.

If you are keen for sexual conversation on a first date, you might want to set boundaries around the dynamics, acts, or kinks you do and don’t enjoy, making it clear when something is a hard “no” for you. 

If someone is pushing any kind of boundary that you’ve set with them, it may be a red flag or a window into how the connection could look in the future, and you might consider how comfortable or safe you feel to continue. 

Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you have specific boundaries. Quite simply, if someone doesn’t respect them, they’re probably not the date for you.

Curious to delve deeper? Take a look at our guides to navigating the early stages of dating, dealing with the talking stage, and recognizing red flags. And if you’re keen to explore connections in your own way, they’re waiting for you on Feeld.