Setting agreements and boundaries in ENM and poly relationships

Many people wonder about ENM “relationship rules,” but it’s often more helpful to focus on agreements: shared understandings shaped by everyone’s boundaries, while still leaving room for flexibility, autonomy, and trust.

So how do you know what your boundaries are? What might these “agreements” actually look like? And why is all of this so important? With the help of Dr. Sara Al-Khedairy, a mental health therapist specializing in consensual non-monogamy, let’s talk about it.

Why agreements and boundaries matter in open, ethically non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships

Boundaries and agreements are central to every relationship. But since poly and ENM dynamics can be so varied—spanning open relationships to swinging; kitchen table polyamory to relationship anarchy—there’s not a whole lot that can be assumed. It’s up to you and your partner(s) to intentionally design the conditions under which everyone feels safe, seen, and supported.

ENM is, by definition, radical. And boundaries aren’t about eroding that; they’re not ways to enforce control, or take away autonomy. Rather, as Al-Khedairy summarizes, “boundaries are an act of love and sustainability—allowing us to connect with others without abandoning ourselves.”

For a deeper dive on the differences between open, polyamorous, and ENM relationships—and where common boundaries lie— take a look at our guide to these distinct dynamics. 

Core types of agreements and boundaries to consider

Whether you’re thinking about open relationship agreements, or boundaries in other ENM dynamics, it can be helpful to observe the types of discussions that are common within the community. They may include:

Sexual and physical boundaries

These can help everyone feel safe, respected, and aligned about what intimacy looks like. Such as:

• What counts as “sexual” for you (e.g. Kissing? Cuddling? Suggestive texting?)
• The circumstances (if any) under which you’re comfortable with partners being sexual with others
• What counts as cheating
• Condom use and safer-sex expectations across partners
• STI testing and how you’ll share results
• If you’ll bring other partners to your home (particularly if you have a nesting partner)

Time and scheduling boundaries

These can help keep relationships sustainable and balanced, so that no one feels consistently neglected or overextended. Such as:

• How much time you can give, and how much you expect from, partners
• How you’ll split weekdays, weekends, vacations, and holidays between partners
• How spontaneous plans with other partners can be

Emotional and communication boundaries

These support emotional safety and transparency, helping partners nurture connection, trust, and care. Such as:

• Your capacity for emotional labor—and what you expect from others
• How emotionally intimate you’re comfortable in partners becoming with others
• How you’ll handle jealousy or insecurity when it comes up
• How you want to feel reassured, e.g. via regular check-ins or quick texts before/after dates

Digital and privacy boundaries

These help clarify what’s shared publicly versus privately. Such as:

• Texting and social media etiquette across partners—can you stay in touch with everyone, will you engage with each other’s content, will you post each other?
• How much information you share about some partners with other partners

Health and safety boundaries

These help protect everyone’s physical wellbeing.

• Being transparent about your STI status, when you last got tested, and any symptoms or concerns you may have. BHOC recommends getting tested every three months if you’re having regular sex with more than one partner. 

• Any agreements around illness protocols, and notifying others if one person gets sick.

  
  

How to negotiate and create your relationship agreements

Step 1: Self-reflection and awareness

“Before jumping straight into ‘What are my boundaries?’, you might start with thinking about your values, priorities, and what truly matters to you right now,” says Dr. Sara Al-Khedairy. Then use that intel to inform where you might draw your lines.

Try to think critically, too, about how your past relationships, cultural environment, and social conditioning have shaped your ideas of safety, trust, and love—including norms rooted in mononormativity, heteronormativity, and patriarchy. “Unpacking these can help you differentiate between boundaries that are protective versus those that are restrictive,” says Al-Khedairy.

Al-Khedairy suggests reflecting on the following:

• What kinds of connection (romantic, sexual, emotional, or communal) am I most drawn to right now, and what do I actually have capacity for?
• What do I need in order to feel emotionally safe and seen in relationships?
• Where do I feel most energized or drained in connection with others?
• How do I want to show up for myself and others when I feel activated, uncertain, or insecure?
• What expectations or relational norms am I ready to release, and which ones still feel important to me?

Step 2: Group conversations and consent

Once you’ve taken time to clarify your own needs and values, set aside some intentional time to bring those reflections into conversation with your partner(s)—so that you can come to specific agreements together. Here are five key tips for a productive conversation.

• Make sure everyone is grounded. “A simple check-in using the HALT acronym—asking if anyone is hungry, angry, lonely, or tired—can go a long way in setting the tone for an effective conversation rather than one that escalates to conflict,” says Al-Khedairy. 

• Lead with care and compassion. “Consider what each of you needs to feel safe and supported in dialogue,” she adds. “Do you need privacy? Eye contact? A walk while talking?”

• See it as an opportunity to share and listen—not to enforce agreements that you’ve already decided on. “Setting a shared intention at the start can be helpful here,” says Al-Khedairy, “like ‘We’re here to understand each other, not to be right,’ or ‘We want to align, not win.’”

• Look into the non-violent communication method, developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. “Things like identifying your own feelings and needs before making a request, and reflecting back what you’ve heard (‘It sounds like this boundary helps you feel secure, did I get that right?’) can be especially useful,” says Al-Khedairy.

• Know it’s OK to take a breather. “Pausing is not avoidance, it’s a relational skill,” Al-Khedairy emphasizes. “You can always take a break, regulate, and return later rather than pushing through reactivity.”

Step 3: Documenting and revisiting agreements

Many people find it helpful to put established agreements in writing—“not as a contract, but as a shared map,” says Al-Khedairy.  It’s not about control or pressure, but clarity. Plus, “documentation can be especially supportive for neurodivergent folks, trauma survivors, or anyone who benefits from visual reminders or notes to reference back to.”

Whether you write them down or not, note that relationship boundaries and agreements are not a one-and-done kind of conversation. “It’s both OK and expected for boundaries to evolve as we grow, heal, and learn,” says Al-Khedairy, “so normalize the process of revisiting them.”

Many people find it helpful to schedule regular relationship check-ins—monthly, quarterly, or whatever rhythm feels right—where you reflect on what’s working, what’s changed, and where new needs or boundaries might be emerging. 

In other words, “make these conversations intentional, not crisis-driven,” says Al-Khedairy. “You don’t need to wait for conflict to recalibrate.” 

Common challenges and how to handle them

When you struggle to respect your true needs 

When it comes to relationship boundaries, “many of us are taught that love means self-sacrifice, or that expressing limits makes us ‘too much’ or ‘too needy,’” says Al-Khedairy. “When we begin navigating multiple relationships, those old patterns can easily resurface… often as the impulse to manage other people’s comfort at the expense of our own.”  

Learning to notice and unlearn these habits is often the beginning of boundary work in ENM. As is remembering that supportive partners will want you to feel safe.

When equality gets confused with equity

In ENM boundary negotiation, when there may be a network of overlapping relationships, it’s easy to compare them—and believe that all relationships need to look the same in order to be “fair.” 

“But fairness doesn’t always mean sameness,” says Al-Khedairy. We all have different needs, lifestyles, commitments, and comfort levels. And each relationship should have its own bespoke agreements, based on what works for the individuals in it. 

When someone slips up or breaks an agreement

Ultimately, sustainable ENM isn’t about perfection, or never crossing a boundary. “It’s about how compassionately we navigate the space when one is crossed,” says Al-Khedairy. 

Missteps happen. But if everyone can be honest, empathetic, and show a genuine commitment to repair afterwards—instead of getting defensive or avoidant—this can make your relationship all the stronger. In fact, it “defines the health of the relationship far more than whether you managed to prevent every misstep,” Khedairy adds.

To be clear, this advice doesn’t apply to partners who show a consistent and purposeful disregard for people’s boundaries. This behavior may be a red flag, and you might want to consider how safe or affirmed you feel in the dynamic. 

Tools and resources for maintaining healthy boundaries

Books and websites

There are all kinds of materials out there to help you manage ENM boundaries. Books include:

• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• Designer Relationships by Patricia Johnson and Mark A. Michaels
• Opening Up by Tristan Taormino 
• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix

Al-Khedairy also recommends these digital resources for folks on ENM journeys:

• The Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy (OPEN)
• The Multiamory Podcast

Communities and support networks

Learning about other people’s experiences with ENM can often help illuminate and inform our own—including how we navigate boundaries. Many cities have ENM-themed meetups or discussion groups where you can connect with the community, or check out online spaces and forums. You may also consider an ENM-friendly therapist. 

Clear boundaries aren’t about limiting love. They’re about helping it thrive, by way of trust, clarity, and security. Remember, too, that boundaries evolve as we do, so check in regularly and revisit what no longer fits. In Al-Khedairy’s words, think of boundaries “not as rigid lines to defend, but as compassionate guidelines—ones that make deeper connection and mutual care possible.”

To continue exploring, take a look at our guides to designing your ideal open dynamic—whether you agree on sex only versus relationship connections, or disclosed versus Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell. If you’re looking to decide on the setup that works best for you, we’ve got you covered on the different ENM relationship types (and how to choose one), plus a deep dive into poly dynamics.

And if you’re ready to meet new people, whether solo or alongside existing partner(s), connections are waiting for you on Feeld.