Recognizing red flags in the dating stages

So, what are red flags? We’re not talking about disagreements over politics or whether dogs are better than cats. These aren’t red flags as such—it’s perfectly reasonable to have personal dealbreakers, but a difference of opinion doesn’t necessarily indicate problematic behavior—depending on the opinion, of course. Prejudice and hate speech definitely count as red flags.

It’s worth distinguishing red flags from what people often call “icks.” An “ick” is usually a personal turn-off, like bad table manners or an awkward laugh—things that might make you lose interest but don’t hint at deeper issues. Red flags, on the other hand, are warning signs of toxic or harmful behavior, like controlling tendencies, manipulation, dishonesty, or someone blowing hot and cold.

In the early stages, red flags might show up subtly enough that you’re tempted to overlook them, but you shouldn’t. These small signs can reveal how someone might behave in a more serious relationship—and ignoring them now could lead to bigger problems later.

Throughout this piece, we’ll take a detailed look at the dating red flags to be aware of, particularly those that might surface in the early, talking stage of dating. 

What are red flags in dating?

Perhaps your date said something that made you question their values, or acted in a way that made you uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a hookup, a friend with benefits, or someone you can see something serious developing with: if any behavior makes you feel confused, unsafe, unsure or uncared for, it’s worth taking notice of that feeling. 

If your date is displaying red flags in the early days of the relationship, it’s a bad sign. "People tend to present their best self initially so if any of these behaviors or traits manifest early on, it is important to pay attention," relationship coach Susan Trotter told Business Insider. "It is likely that these issues won't change and in fact, will likely worsen and become toxic over time."

Types of red Flags to watch out for

Red flags might manifest in four obvious ways, which traits relationship expert Dr John Gottman describes as “the four horsemen of dating”: criticism (attacking a person’s character), contempt (acting with disrespect or superiority), defensiveness (avoiding responsibility by making excuses), and stonewalling (withdrawing or shutting down communication). Or they might be more subtle, like your date not letting you know if they’re running late, or talking a lot about themselves without asking you any questions. Let’s explore specific types of common red flags in more detail.

Emotional red flags

• Manipulation: A manipulator might lie about their desires and intentions for their own gain, or say and do things in order to provoke a reaction.
• Gaslighting: This is when someone makes you doubt your recollections. If you’re wondering where the term comes from, “gaslighting” derives from a 1938 play called Gas Light, in which a domineering husband tells his wife she’s imagining the gas lamps in her apartment dimming, to make her question her reality and sanity. Someone might deny having said something that you know they did say, or insist that your version of events is incorrect.
• Lovebombing: Someone being super into you is a positive sign, right? Not always. The Cleveland Clinic defines lovebombing as a form of psychological abuse, where someone pulls out all the stops to rush a relationship forward. They might declare intense feelings very soon, shower you with gifts, and talk about a long-term future before you really know each other. If you ask them to slow down or question their behavior, they might become defensive or angry. 

Behavioral red flags

• Possessiveness: If a person starts demanding to know what you’re doing, who you’re with, and who else you’re talking to, this is a bad sign. It might show up subtly at first, like a passive-aggressive comment that you took too long to reply. While communication is key to a strong and healthy relationship for many, you don't owe the information of telling someone where you are every minute of every day.
• Controlling behavior: This often goes hand-in-hand with possessive traits. Your date might ask a few too many questions about your schedule and plans, and want to know more detail than you’re comfortable with giving. They might give the impression that they’re jealous of you seeing friends and family, or try and guilt-trip you into talking to them more frequently. 
• Boundary-pushing: If you tell your date that you’re not comfortable talking about a certain topic, or that no, you’re not into a particular sex act, they should accept that. It’s a red flag if they keep trying to persuade you to do something you’re not comfortable with.
• Threats or aggressive behavior: Any form of aggression, whether verbal, physical, or emotional, is an immediate red flag. This includes threatening language, intimidation, or physical actions like grabbing or touching you in a way that feels unsafe or unwelcome. A healthy relationship should feel secure and respectful, never scary or coercive.

Communication red flags

• Ghosting: One day, they’re replying to your messages, but the next… silence. It’s not a good sign when someone doesn’t have the decency to tell you they’re not feeling it any more. 
• Passive-aggression: Little put-downs or sarcastic responses that go a bit too far could be a red flag that your date doesn’t respect you, or is trying to make you feel bad.
• Criticizing you: This is another sign of a lack of respect. Having different opinions is fine, but if your date resorts to rudeness, belittling you, or is contemptuous if you disagree with them, this probably isn’t someone to keep around.
• Lack of courtesy: Not bothering to let you know they’re running late, doing all the talking and no listening, and not showing an interest in you might be signs of someone who will always prioritize their own feelings and find compromise difficult.
• Defensiveness in conflict: Early dating and the talking stage should be relatively conflict-free, so too many negative interactions are a red flag in themselves. It’s also a worrying sign if someone immediately gets defensive or turns things back on you if you question something they said or did—it suggests they wouldn’t handle conflict well in an established relationship.

Common red flags in the early stages of dating

Some common red flags might not be apparent in the early dating stage because most people are on their best behavior, and you shouldn’t be having conflict in the early stages. Sometimes, the signs are subtle—here’s what those talking stage red flags might look like. 

Inconsistent communication 

Despite some of the more problematic dating advice out there, it really isn’t a game and it shouldn’t be difficult or anxiety-inducing. If your date goes silent for days at a time, doesn’t reply to simple questions, or says they’ll be in touch then doesn’t follow up, it doesn’t bode well. We’re not saying they should always respond right away; people get busy! But if their hot and cold communication style makes you anxious, pay attention to that feeling.

Disrespectful behavior towards others 

Rude to the wait staff? Doesn’t thank someone for holding a door? Looks down on people for their social or economic status? Or worse, makes passing judgments about others without even getting to know them? If they’re comfortable disrespecting people in plain sight of you, that speaks volumes.

Avoiding personal questions—or asking too many

There’s a fine balance when it comes to deep conversation. If you’re getting on well with someone after a couple dates, the conversation might turn to sexual preferences or past relationships. It’s fine for either party to say they’re not comfortable getting super personal yet, but your date’s reaction is key. Are they defensive, offended, or seeming like they’re hiding something? That’s when it might signal a problem. Likewise, if you don’t want to talk about a particular topic but they won’t drop it, that’s not a good sign either.

Frequent criticism or judgment

In the early stages, this might not even be aimed at you. However, if your date consistently criticizes or insults others, or displays signs of prejudice, it can signal deeper issues. Over time, this tendency often extends to those closest to them—including you. Being on the receiving end of constant judgment can erode self-confidence, chip away at your self-worth, and create a toxic dynamic where you feel like you're always walking on eggshells. This behavior isn't just about their personality; it reflects a pattern that can have lasting emotional consequences.

‘My ex was crazy’

It’s a classic claim that many of us have heard. Couples counselor Dr Gina Senarighi emphasizes that trash-talking exes can be a significant red flag in relationships. According to Dr Senarighi, “If they’re comfortable labelling people they once dated and loved as ‘crazy’ or ‘insane,’ what’s to stop them from using the same hurtful language to describe you?” She adds that this behavior often reflects “a lack of empathy or self-awareness,” which are traits you’d likely want to avoid in a partner. If they can talk that way about people they claim to have liked or loved, then they might talk about you like that one day, too.

Biggest red flags in any stage of dating

Some red flags should be deal-breakers regardless of the length of the relationship. Calling certain behaviors red flags may also understate their impact—several countries recognize emotional abuse in law, and some of the traits we’ve outlined in this article can fall under the definition of abuse. 

Controlling or possessive behavior

If a date or partner is repeatedly showing anger and jealousy over you spending time with friends and family, or setting “rules” about how, when, and who you socialize with, this is control. If it becomes a pattern and you find yourself changing your behavior to avoid making your partner angry, that’s a very unhealthy dynamic.

Extreme jealousy

This can manifest as a lack of trust. Your date or partner might question you on where you’ve been or who you were with, sneakily check your phone, or insinuate you’re lying to them. This is about their insecurities, not your actions, and can easily stray into controlling behavior.

Lack of accountability

If you raise your partner’s behavior with them and they take your points on board, that’s one thing. In a healthy situation, the person who’s behaved in a hurtful way would reflect and take accountability. On the flip side, someone might instead become defensive, shift the blame on to you, refuse to discuss the problem or give you the silent treatment. If your date can’t assess their own behavior, it’s a sign that conflict will only get worse. 

Refusal to define the relationship

Defining the relationship, or DTR, has become such an integral part of dating that researchers are studying what it means. If your date is refusing to have this conversation, it could be a sign they are “uncertain about the definition of the relationship” themselves, according to communication professor Leanne Knobloch. In other words, they might not be that into you. It could also signal communication issues in general, and an unwillingness to have honest conversations about feelings—neither of which are conducive to a healthy relationship.

How to handle red flags in dating

The first step is to recognize and accept that something problematic is happening. Don’t minimize the red flags. If it’s happening with someone you haven’t known for long, the best course of action might be to politely end the relationship—if it’s happening in the talking or early dating stage, it’s likely to get worse. Remember that it’s never wrong to prioritize yourself and your wellbeing.

Depending on what the red flag is—as we’ve mentioned, some really are too unhealthy to overlook—you might want to tell your partner what the problem is and give them a chance to reflect on it. Experts recommend starting a calm conversation focusing on how you feel—using “I” statements like “I feel anxious when you don’t text me for several days.” In the best case scenario, you’ll be able to have an open conversation about your feelings and find a resolution. But, if problematic behavior becomes a pattern, you might want to think about whether the relationship is right for you.

It’s important to keep your needs and boundaries at the front of your mind when dating. One study found that people who’ve experienced trauma may find it more difficult to voice their needs or leave relationships, so if you feel you could benefit from learning to advocate for yourself more, look into having therapy or reading up on ways to boost your self esteem. Your wellbeing is important, and your needs and feelings matter.  

Some dating red flags are easier to spot than others. If a new date starts displaying obvious examples of jealousy, possessiveness, or control, it’s probably best to stop communicating with them, as these behaviors can lead to unhealthy or even abusive relationships. If the red flags are more subtle, it’s worth staying alert to the possibility of the behavior getting worse. If someone repeatedly does things that make you unsure of your own feelings or of the relationship, trust your intuition—your needs matter, and your emotional health should always be paramount. Similarly, if someone does something you simply don’t like or that doesn’t feel right, it’s okay not to give things another chance.

Open, calm, and honest communication is something relationship counselors agree is paramount in healthy relationships, so if this feels difficult in the early stages, it may be a sign of things to come. Experts also say that having high self esteem is beneficial in relationships, as you’ll expect the same respect and positive treatment from a partner that you give to yourself. So, if you wouldn’t say or do something to yourself, you shouldn’t accept it from a partner. 

Learn more dating lingo with Feeld’s glossary.