Why do people ghost—and how can you get over it?

To “ghost” someone is to stop communicating with them—without warning, explanation, or formally breaking things off. In this sense, it’s always been possible. But it’s weighed far heavier on our collective consciousness thanks to the rise of technology and dating apps over the last decade (sorry). 

In a 2023 survey of US adults, 60% said they’d experienced being ghosted, and 45% admitted to having ghosted others. So why is it such a thing? What should we make of it when it happens to us? And how are we supposed to move on from a relationship-slash-situationship that never even officially ended?

Enter psychologist Dr. Roxy Zarrabi and dating coach Vicki Pavitt to help provide answers.

What is ghosting?

Like we said, “ghosting” is usually the term given to the act of suddenly disappearing on someone else—typically a sexual or romantic interest, though the term has traversed into the world of work, friendship, and other relationships. The behavior is often seen in the earlier stages of dating (maybe after messaging for a couple days on an app, or going on a few dates in IRL). But it can happen later down the line, too, with a particularly blindsiding effect. And it generally just looks like someone avoiding your texts and/or calls until you give up trying to contact them.

Why do people ghost?

People might ghost to swerve the discomfort of having to tell someone, straight up, an unpleasant truth. Think: I’m not feeling this. Or I met someone else. Or I’m moving to Canada. “They may feel anxiety or fear related to conflict and have difficulty regulating their emotions,” elaborates psychologist Dr. Roxy Zarrabi, “so they want to avoid addressing their feelings directly.” 

Words can be hard, emotions can be messy, and confrontation about this stuff is rarely fun. Many of us have also never been taught to communicate effectively about our emotions—so ghosting is an easy way out. 

“They may have done something they know will hurt their partner,” Dr. Zarrabi adds, such as dating someone else, or making false promises, “so they ghost to avoid taking accountability or explaining their actions.” Or another possible reason is a fear of intimacy. “They may be prone to self-sabotaging once their relationship deepens and they’re getting closer to a partner—so they might push them away.” 

Some ghosters argue that it isn’t coming from a lack of care, but from a genuine belief that it’s the least awkward option for everyone. A somewhat common understanding shared by such ghosters is that, in the modern age, ghosting is simply acceptable up until a certain point. And psychologists have noticed that the hyper-digital nature of nurturing connections today can create more of an emotional distance between folks—causing us to feel like we just owe each other less. 

Of course, as we know from social media accounts like Tinder Nightmares and beam_me_up_softboi, there’s always the possibility that the person being ghosted has behaved badly in some way; perhaps been rude, or offensive, or made someone uncomfortable. Though, in many cases, it’s not a reflection on them at all—more just that the ghoster has their own stuff going on.

When it’s not fully ghosting: “Soft ghosting” and “breadcrumbing”

“Soft-ghosting” is the term coined for a slower fade out: instead of suddenly cutting off all communication, maybe someone’s taking longer to reply; getting slowly more unenthusiastic in their temperament, to the point where you’re getting nothing but a “haha” here or a like on your message there.

“Breadcrumbing,” meanwhile, is similar. One minute, you might feel like you’re being soft-ghosted, or even fully ghosted—but the next, the person comes through with just enough energy or enthusiasm to stop you from checking out. 

“These kinds of gray areas can be incredibly confusing and draining,” says dating coach Vicki Pavitt. “The mixed signals can keep you emotionally tethered, making it difficult to move on or gain the closure you deserve. But if someone’s communication is sporadic or they’re only offering you crumbs, it’s a sign they may not be ready or willing to invest in a real connection.”

While it can be tempting to hold out hope, and see if things come back around, it’s important to prioritize your own emotional wellbeing—and consider finding power in either asking for clarity, or ending it yourself. 

What’s up with love-bombing then ghosting?

If you’re not familiar with love-bombing, it’s a term used to describe someone showering you with excessive flattery, affection, and promises about the future (typically in the early days of dating, before they would’ve had time to realistically develop such strong feelings). It’s generally understood as a way to manipulate someone: making them reliant on that affection, thus rendering them easier to control, for fear of it being taken away.

“People who engage in love bombing tend to experience an ego boost from the attention of a new partner,” says Dr. Zarrabi, “but once that boost wears off, they may begin to devalue the other person by criticizing them or engaging in hot and cold behavior...Ghosting may then happen when they’re either faced with a situation they don’t want to take accountability for, or when they’re focused on someone new.”

It’s not uncommon for love bombers to come back after ghosting and try to repeat the process. That’s why setting boundaries with this kind of behavior from the start is so important—as is being prepared to cut it off if the person doesn’t respect them.

How to respond when someone ghosts you

If the relationship has felt healthy thus far, and communication hasn’t been down long, you can always send a text to check in. Tell them you’re thinking of them, and that you’d like to hang out or catch up. But if that’s met with silence, the healthiest response is to “focus on your own healing and move forward,” says Pavitt. 

It can be tempting to demand answers. Particularly if you feel you had a connection with someone, or like they led you to believe it was going somewhere. But pressing them “rarely leads to the clarity or closure you want, and can actually prolong your pain if they continue to stay silent,” says Pavitt. “So acknowledge and validate your own feelings of confusion or hurt, and try to accept that closure might need to come from within.” 

Dr. Zarrabi echoes this: “Contrary to popular belief, closure is something that you can create for yourself, and does not need to be dependent on another person.” More on how to get it below.

Getting over your ghost

Getting ghosted can bring up feelings of shock, anger, sadness, and shame—especially if you thought things were going well. So let’s explore how to process those emotions and move on.

• Rid yourself of blame. “Being ghosted can feel deeply personal, but it’s essential to remember that it’s not a reflection of your worth or a rejection of who you are,” says Pavitt. Rather than ruminating on whether you did something wrong, remember that they’re the one who let you down. 
  
• Try not to think of it as a “loss.” “Reframe it as a sign that this person wasn’t capable of showing up for you in the way you deserve,” says Pavitt. “Affirm the mantra ‘rejection is redirection,’ and remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and clear communication—so if someone disappears, it’s likely they weren’t in a place to offer that.” (In other words, you dodged a bullet.)
  
• Reflect on what you’ve learned. “Think about lessons you can take from this experience that will help your future self,” says Pavitt. Maybe it’s helped you recognize certain needs or non-negotiables that you’ll honor next time around. Or maybe it’s corroborated worries or insecurities you were having around this person before they ghosted—and it will help you trust those feelings earlier in future.
  
• Give yourself an outlet to vent. “Talking to trusted friends, seeking support from a coach or therapist, or going to a good work-out or boxing class” are all healthy ways to release your feelings, says Pavitt. Dr. Zarrabi adds that you could write a letter, or record a voice note, to your ghoster, and then burn it, rip it up, or delete it.
  
• Prioritize self-care. Carve out time to relax and regroup, whether that’s through hot baths, walks in the park, mindfulness, or yoga. Focus on the things, and people, that bring you joy. And remind yourself that you have healthy, nurturing love all around you—even if it’s not romantic right now. 

FFS—Why are they “orbiting” me after ghosting?

You’d be forgiven if all of these nebulous dating terms make your head hurt. But “orbiting,” also called “haunting,” refers to when a person who ghosted you continues to interact with your social media. Maybe they like your Instagram photos, for example, or view your stories.

It’s easy to attribute meaning here—like, maybe this means it isn’t over. Maybe they do like me after all! But laboring over the why of small interactions like this isn’t good for your emotional wellbeing. Maybe they’re trying to keep their options open. Maybe they’re curious or horny. Maybe they were just mindlessly tapping, or had a straight-up slip of the thumb.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, because the advice is the same. If you’re confused about someone’s intentions, and it’s causing you distress or anguish, the healthiest thing is to set your own boundaries. Pavitt suggests removing them as a follower if it makes it easier. 

At best, ghosting is annoying and disappointing. At worst, it can be extremely distressing. And while we can’t control other people’s behavior, or force them to keep interacting with us, we can control what we learn from the experience. Perhaps the simplest way to look at it is that this person couldn’t give us what we needed—so, in many ways, good riddance. 

Be kind to yourself as emotions come up. Think about what you’ve learned for future relationships. And keep those boundaries strong. In Pavitt’s words: “You deserve more than lukewarm engagement—you deserve someone who is fully present and consistent.”