How to communicate aftercare needs: Building stronger connections through open dialogue

The term aftercare originated in the BDSM community to ensure everyone felt safe and comforted after a potentially intense scene (think words of affirmation, cuddling, or caressing where restraints might’ve been used; bathing each other). It’s since been adopted as a practice relevant to all kinds of sex—kinky or not. And it can apply to other contexts, too.

“Aftercare, at the root, is the intentional care we give ourselves and each other after an experience that stirs vulnerability,” explains sex and relationship therapist Rafaella Fiallo. Think conflict or tough conversations; breakups or boundary negotiations; non-monogamous dates, therapy sessions—“really any experience that leaves someone feeling raw, exposed, or tender.”

“In intimate relationships, sexual or otherwise, we're constantly exchanging pieces of ourselves,” she continues. “And sometimes, even when everything goes ‘right,’ that kind of closeness can leave someone feeling wobbly or unsure.”

Aftercare, then, is about reaffirming your bond, and helping each other feel secure, after the dust has settled. It needn’t be about huge gestures or hard work; just small acts that say, “You’re safe.” And since everyone has different needs when it comes to aftercare, being able to communicate yours is key.

Read on to learn more about how. If you want to keep exploring, list aftercare as a desire on your Feeld profile—and connect with others who get it.  

Why aftercare is crucial for healthy relationships

As Fiallo mentioned, aftercare can apply to any event that might’ve felt raw or made someone feel vulnerable—physically, emotionally, or both. But let’s dive a little deeper on some key examples. 

After sex

During sex, the “happy hormones” oxytocin and dopamine are released, bringing with them a wave of positive emotions. When the sex is over, we can experience a “comedown” of sorts (otherwise known as the post-sex blues). That might mean we’re in extra need of some TLC; perhaps even more so for anyone who’s experienced shame or trauma around sex.

A 2014 study found that longer and higher-quality affection after sex—like cuddling, caressing, and intimate talk—was linked to better sexual satisfaction, which in turn correlated with more overall relationship satisfaction.

Sex can also feel particularly vulnerable for those taking on a submissive role in BDSM, such as bottoms or brats. During sex, subs can enter an altered state of mind, almost like a natural high, called subspace. But the comedown—coined subdrop—can be a lot. Hence why the kink community is so big on aftercare.

You can learn more about caring for each other after sex in the Feeld guide to post-sex aftercare.

After conflict or tough conversations

Conflict resolution has long been the focus of relationship research. But more recently, researchers have placed increased importance on conflict recovery: in other words, it’s not just success in putting conflicts to bed, but how you regain closeness and affection after that, that makes for a happy, healthy relationship. Aftercare can be an important part of this. 

Studies show that nailing that regaining of closeness after conflict predicts higher stability and a lower likelihood of separation. 

After ethically non-monogamous encounters

As most who practice non-monogamy will know, choosing it as a relationship style doesn't mean you never feel jealous or insecure. And everyone in the equation needs to hold space for that. Many of us need intentional validation and reassurance after a partner has been on a date or spent time with someone else. That’s aftercare.

If you’re on the ENM scene, or exploring it, learn more about practicing aftercare in non-monogamous relationships.

It’s important to note, too, that aftercare is important in all kinds of relationships. Not just “serious” ones. After all, “casual relationships are still relationships,” says Fiallo. “And all relationships should be treated seriously.” 

It doesn’t matter whether you’re long-term lovers, friends with benefits, sporadically seeing each other, or you’re literally planning to hook up one time: We are all human, and deserving of each other’s care. 

Whatever the context, and whatever your relationship status, “aftercare provides the kind of reassurance and care that maintains trust, connection, and emotional safety,” summarizes Fiallo.

When we offer it, partners can feel more confident being vulnerable, expressing needs and desires, and opening up physically and emotionally going forward. Because they know that, when they do, we’ll catch them—and offer a soft landing space.

“It helps us not just ‘move on,’” she says, “but integrate what happened, and remind each other: We’re in this together. Without it, even consensual or loving moments can linger as confusing or even hurtful.”

What aftercare looks like

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to aftercare. What one person needs will differ wildly to the next—and it heavily depends on the context. “But the guiding question,” says Fiallo, “is: What would help me (or us) feel supported, safe, and grounded right now?”

Aftercare is usually either emotional, physical, or both. Common approaches, according to Fiallo, can include:

• Reflection. After sex, a tough conversation, or anything vulnerable, “many people find comfort in talking things through or debriefing,” she says. “Such as, ‘What came up for you?,’ or ‘Is there anything you’re still processing/holding?’
• Reassurance. Post-sex, it could be as simple as: “That felt really good,” or “I’m still here with you.” After a tense discussion or therapy session, it might be something like, “I know that was hard, but I love you,” or “You shared really bravely.”
• Gentle grounding practices. It could be deep breathing together, eye-gazing, or a mindfulness exercise (like naming 3 things you see around you). These can be especially helpful when your nervous system feels really heightened—e.g. after an intense argument or kink scene.
• Physical intimacy. Cuddling, holding hands, or simply being in each other’s presence, silently, can go a long way in helping each other feel calm and safe.
• Doing something comforting together. Maybe you shower, watch a light-hearted movie, play a game, or take a walk. Or maybe it’s eating something nourishing together—or making your favorite drink.
• Doing something that reaffirms normalcy. It could be anything you usually do together—cooking dinner; even laundry. Or a great one is just laughing and making jokes. (Gottmann therapist Dr. Cheryl Fraser has described how, after an argument, she and her husband challenge each other to “shake your ass.” Just saying.) 

How to ask for aftercare—or initiate it: Tips for open communication

“The most important thing is that aftercare is communicated beforehand and mutually attuned,” says Fiallo. “It's not just what you like, but about learning what helps the other person feel soothed, safe, or restored, too.”

So, how to ask for aftercare, and offer it to boot? Choose a time when the pressure’s off (i.e. not in the “heat of the moment”), and try out one of Fiallo’s openers below—so that everyone’s prepared in advance. 

For conflict: 

"Sometimes after hard conversations, I feel a bit raw. Could we try doing something grounding together, like going for a walk or checking in with each other after a bit of space?"

For sex: 

"I really love a good wind-down after sex. A little cuddling, sharing a snack, maybe watching a show together. What do you like to do afterwards?"

"I’d like for sex to not just end with the last physical moment. Would you be into staying close afterward, maybe holding each other or talking for a bit? That helps me feel really connected."

In any context:

"Hey, after we have sex/talk about heavy stuff/go to therapy, it really helps me to feel grounded if we can just do nothing and be close for a bit after. How would that feel for you?"

How to initiate aftercare

If an intense or vulnerable event has taken place, and you’re not sure what your partner needs from you—maybe because you haven’t discussed it, or you’re struggling to read them—just ask them, Fiallo says. This is a way to gently initiate aftercare.

Try:

"That felt really big/tender/intense. How are you feeling? I'm here for whatever feels good for you now. Do you want to sit together for a bit, talk about it, or just have some quiet time?"

"I remember you said aftercare is important to you, would now be a good time for that? I’m down to cuddle, talk, or whatever would feel best."

“The key is curiosity,” says Fiallo. “Not assuming what your partner does or doesn’t need.”

Challenges in communicating aftercare needs and how to overcome them

It’s all well and good to say “just communicate,” right? But let’s be real: expressing our needs, and laying ourselves bare like that, can be really hard. Let’s talk about when conversations about aftercare can feel uncomfortable—and what you can do to work through it.

When you’re shy about expressing your needs

One more time for the people in the back: Your safety and comfort matters. A lot.

If saying it out loud feels scary at first, try writing your aftercare needs down—when there’s no pressure. You can send/give it to your partner, read it to them, or just sit with it to build confidence. 

You could also share this article with them, if you’re hesitant to start with your own needs. That way, we can do a lot of the explaining for you. Try, “Hey, I just came across this. Wanna have a read? It got me thinking…”

When your partner gets defensive

Sometimes, if a partner feels as though their character is being criticized, it can lead to defensiveness. Which is why you’ll notice that all of Fiallo’s statements start with “I.” 

“I” statements focus on how you feel (like “I would feel really cared for if we could cuddle after sex,” or “I would love it if you were able to reassure me a bit after we argue”). Statements like this can help us express ourselves without blaming or accusing someone else.

“You” statements, on the other hand, focus on the other person's behavior or actions, like “You never cuddle me after sex” or “You always act weird with me after arguments.” While they might come from a place of valid hurt, it can get someone’s back up, and derail the conversation.

When you have different preferences about aftercare

Fiallo says it’s common—and totally OK—to need different things after an intense experience. That’s when you look for compromise. 

“You can negotiate something that honors everyone involved,” she explains. “For instance, if one person wants space and the other wants closeness, you might agree to check in with a quick text after an hour apart.”

Or if you feel able, you could suggest alternating: so, going with one partner’s preference on one occasion, and the other’s on the next. See how both sit with each of you in practice, and how you’d feel about doing more of it in future.

Ultimately, aftercare is a key way to nurture emotional safety, and can be an enriching part of  a healthy, happy relationship. So if you haven’t already discussed aftercare with your partner(s), today’s a great day to do it. 

“Just remember, aftercare is a skill,” says Fiallo. “And like any relational skill, it gets stronger with honesty, compassion, and practice. Whether it's after sex, conflict, a vulnerable share, or a tough boundary, aftercare gives us a way to land together—not just fall apart alone.”

Want to explore connections with people who just get it? They’re waiting for you on Feeld.