Polyamory may feel like a trend to some, but in reality, it’s not as recent as it seems.
While mainstream media has amplified its presence through articles, memoirs, and stories of ethical non-monogamy, many who are part of the scene know better. Polyamory isn’t a fleeting fad or something only for those with the time and privilege to explore it. In fact, it's been around for decades, especially in the LGBTQ+ scene (the book The Lesbian Polyamory Reader was published in 1999) and it’s a crucial part of many relationships.
What might be newer, however, is the terminology and structures we use to describe polyamory today. As more people embrace ethical non-monogamy, it has gained more visibility. A 2021 study showed that one in six people expressed an interest in polyamory, and one in nine had actually experienced it. Our own 2024 State of Dating report, in partnership with the Kinsey Institute, found that ethical non-monogamy is now the preferred relationship style for millennials and Gen X.
Polyamory and non-traditional family structures also have deep roots in many Indigenous cultures. As one Native American writer explains, the idea of monogamy as the “ideal”relationship model has colonial origins. So, while the frameworks we use today may be modern, the essence of polyamory is far from new. That said, the dynamics within polyamorous relationships (as with all relationships) are ever evolving and can vary widely, from hierarchical structures with primary, secondary, and tertiary partners to more fluid, egalitarian models. Understanding and navigating these different polydynamics—communication, boundaries, and respect for everyone involved—can be key to making ethical non-monogamy work for you and your partners.
Understanding poly dynamics
There’s more to being poly than simply opening a relationship. For some people, a hierarchy of relationships helps them navigate multiple partners, while others might prefer all their relationships to have equal status. To meet your partner’s partner, or not? That’s a personal choice. One thing most arrangements have in common is that the wellbeing of everyone involved is taken seriously. Open discussions and check-ins are a must to ensure everyone is happy with the situation.
Types of polyamorous relationships/dynamics
Another thing about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is that there is a lot of terminology. We’re using polyamory and ENM interchangeably here because they’re both broad terms with similar definitions—that everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting to the arrangement. But the multitude of ways polyamory is practiced all have their own terms, so let’s get to know those.
Poly webs
A poly web is an intricate network of connections within a polyamorous community, where people are linked through romantic or sexual relationships. Not everyone in the web is dating each other or even close friends, but they’re connected by shared partners. Imagine a spider diagram, but sexy. In such dynamics, one person's partner might have other partners, and those partners may have additional connections. Needless to say, open dialogue and clear boundaries are vital for navigating such a dynamic.
Kitchen Table Poly (KTP)
Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP) is a style of polyamorous relationship where all partners and their metamours (partners of partners) have a friendly and open relationship, and they are comfortable enough with each other to sit together at the kitchen table. KTP doesn’t mean everyone is sexually involved with each other—although they can be—but they definitely are friends. A close, supportive group is the aim here.
Triad, throuple, Vee
In polyamorous terminology, a triad, also known as a throuple, involves three people who are all romantically or sexually involved with each other. This means each person shares a connection with the other two members. On the other hand, a Vee (or "V") structure consists of one person (the "hinge", or joint of the V shape) who is romantically involved with two partners who are not romantically involved with each other.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM)
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an umbrella term for any relationship style where people have multiple sexual or romantic partners, with the informed consent of all parties involved. The emphasis is on honesty, transparency, and mutual respect—so it bears no resemblance to cheating. ENM can take various forms, including polyamory, open relationships, and swinging, each with its own set of agreements and dynamics.
Solo poly
Solo polyamory refers to those who have multiple sexual or romantic partners, but prefer not to fully merge lives with any of them. None of their partners are more or less important than the next. A solo polyamorist likely prioritizes their independence and autonomy, prefers to live alone and not share finances with their partners. While solo poly people eschew the traditional hallmarks of a relationship, this doesn’t mean they only do casual dating; they may well have deep, serious feelings for their partners, but prefer an independent lifestyle.
Quad
A quad is a polyamorous relationship of four people. The dynamics can vary: all four may be romantically involved with each other, or there might be two couples who have interconnected relationships. There’s some overlap with KTP here in that all members of the quad are at least friends, if not romantic partners to each other. Like any relationship involving more than two people, open communication, honesty, and clear boundaries are a must.
Hierarchical
Hierarchical polyamory is a structure where some relationships are more serious than others. The most serious partner—sometimes a spouse or live-in partner—is the primary partner. If one or both people in a primary relationship date other people outside of this, these are secondary partners. Honesty is paramount—secondary partners should always be made aware of the existence of the primary relationship, and agree to the boundaries and dynamics in place. Ranking relationships in this way can help manage everyone’s expectations, but can also bring challenges if partners further down the hierarchy feel undervalued.
Polycule
A polycule is a term used to describe the interconnected network of people in polyamorous relationships, similar to a poly web. Think of it as a molecule, where each person represents an atom connected through various bonds. For instance, you might be dating two people, each of whom has other partners, forming a complex web of connections.
Comet
In polyamorous terminology, a comet refers to a partner with whom you share a deep, meaningful connection but who you interact with infrequently, often due to distance or other commitments. Like a comet passing through the sky, this person might come into your life periodically, bringing joy and intimacy during those times. Despite the infrequent contact, the bond remains significant and enduring.
Relationship anarchy
Relationship anarchy (RA) is a philosophy that rejects traditional relationship norms. RA practitioners prioritize autonomy, consent, and flexibility, and reject predefined labels or structures. A solo poly enthusiast could be said to be practising RA, as could a throuple or a married couple who each have secondary partners.
RA and polyamory aren’t necessarily one and the same thing, although they are related. RA is about challenging all kinds of norms and expectations that come with the traditional relationship model, even those that aren’t related to monogamy. As writer BlakSyn puts it in their blog on RA: “Job offer halfway around the world? Go for it! Want to pour yourself into your art and hone your skills? Make it happen! Remember that dream you had about backpacking in some foreign country for months on end? Send me photos of your travels please!”
Parallel
Parallel polyamory is a relationship style where partners in a polyamorous network maintain separate, largely independent relationships. Unlike Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP), where metamours may socialize and develop friendships, parallel poly tends to involve minimal or no interaction between them.
Garden Party
Garden Party polyamory is a middle ground between Kitchen Table and Parallel poly. In this dynamic, metamours don’t necessarily seek out close friendships but are comfortable being in the same space for social events, like a garden party. Think birthday celebrations, occasional meet-ups, or gatherings where everyone is polite and friendly without the expectation of deep emotional connections.
Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity is a form of polyamory where all members of the relationship agree to be exclusive within their group. Unlike open poly relationships where new partners may be introduced over time, polyfidelitous relationships function similarly to monogamy, just with more than two people.
Monogamish
Monogamish is a term popularised by sex columnist Dan Savage, describing relationships that are primarily monogamous but allow for some degree of sexual or romantic openness. This could mean occasional threesomes, casual flings, or specific agreements around non-monogamous experiences. Unlike full polyamory, monogamish couples typically prioritise their primary partnership and set clear boundaries on outside connections.
Mono-polyamorous
A mono-polyamorous relationship is one where one partner is monogamous, while the other engages in polyamory. This dynamic can be complex, as it requires a strong foundation of trust and, of course, plenty of talking and checking in to make sure everyone is happy. Boundaries need to be set and stuck to—for instance, the mono partner might not want to hear about or meet their poly partner’s metamours, or there might be limits on how serious those relationships can be.
Benefits of understanding poly dynamics
Understanding poly dynamics is essential for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Just like any other type of relationship, there’s no universal formula for polyamory. But having a grasp on the different dynamics at play makes it easier to communicate your needs, set clear boundaries, and understand what your partners need from you.
When you’re clear on things like hierarchical versus egalitarian structures, you can have more open conversations about expectations and roles. It also helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures everyone is on the same page. Understanding these dynamics also makes it easier to explain your relationship style to friends and family, which can be especially helpful if they’re not familiar with polyamory.
In the end, understanding poly dynamics not only makes your relationships more seamless, and helps to decipher what you do and don’t want from them, but it can help to “normalize” polyamory by discussing relationship styles that aren’t seen as ‘traditional’.
Navigating challenges in poly dynamics
Poly people get jealous too! While compersion—the feeling of joy when your partner is happy with others—is often seen as the “ideal” in polyamorous relationships, it’s also important to acknowledge that jealousy can happen. Talking through emotions and concerns is a big part of most polyamorous arrangements, but that doesn’t mean natural human feelings disappear. Relationship therapist Stephanie Sullivan writes that “jealousy can be broken down to determine what your real concerns are”—is it a perceived threat to the relationship? Insecurity about yourself? Fear of what might happen or be discussed between your partner and their partner?
She suggests journaling to explore where the feeling is coming from and using constructive communication—expressing how you feel rather than blaming your partner for your emotions—to work through it together.
Jealousy isn’t the only challenge that can come up. For example, a couple within a polycule might break up, and that could affect other relationships in the web. Sometimes, expectations around time and commitment may not align, or secondary partners may not agree with all the boundaries their partner wants to set.
Sex educator Laura Boyle emphasizes the importance of clearly defining your boundaries, expectations, and availability at the start of a relationship. She also reminds us that these things might need to be revisited as dynamics evolve or more partners become involved. Regular check-ins, open communication, and honesty about concerns are essential to maintaining healthy poly dynamics.
Resources and tools for better poly dynamics
There are plenty of great resources out there for navigating polyamory. Ready for Polyamory, run by educator Laura Boyle, explores common challenges, relationship structures, and communication strategies. The /r/polyamory subreddit is a good place to ask questions, share experiences, and get advice from others in the community.
For UK-based resources, Polyamory UK curates helpful articles, guides, and event listings. Discovering Polyamory also has some great book and podcast recommendations—including classics like Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, which explores desire and intimacy in long-term relationships.
These are just a few starting points that can be really helpful for learning, finding support, and figuring out what works best for you.
We hope this article has helped you feel more confident in navigating the different dynamics in poly relationships and lifestyles. Whether you’re a seasoned polyamorous person, just starting out with non-monogamy, or happy with a single partner, learning about different relationship styles can only enrich your own experience. Understanding how we connect with others can teach us more about ourselves, and being able to communicate your needs clearly is key in any relationship.
If you're ready to meet others who get where you're coming from, why not give Feeld a try? It’s a great place to find like-minded people and explore new connections. Whether you're looking for meaningful conversations, dates, or something else, Feeld is a supportive space to start your journey.
