How to explain polyamory to family and friends

Today, polyamory is more commonly practiced and more widely discussed than ever before. There have been legal breakthroughs—from three-parent adoption, to broadened definitions of domestic partnership, and legal non-discrimination rights—along with expanded media representation. But unfortunately, wider visibility doesn’t always mean that polyamorous relationships are properly understood, especially where monogamy remains the cultural norm. For those in polyamorous relationships, this can create a problem: With all the misconceptions people may have, how do you explain polyamory to your friends and family? And what’s the best way to handle people who don’t get it?

Choosing to share your poly identity 

Coming out as polyamorous, just like any other kind of coming out, is personal, and there’s no right or wrong way to go about it. Some people feel that being polyamorous is a part of their identity, and want to share this with loved ones regardless of their relationship status. Other people feel like they only want to explain their polyamory once their relationships make it feel important to do so. You might start by asking yourself a few questions:  

• Why is it important for me to share this with my family and friends now? 
• Am I doing this for myself, or because I feel pressured to by my partner(s)? If the latter, how can I have a constructive conversation with my partner(s) about this? 
• How might I feel if people react badly? 
• How willing or able do I feel to “educate” the people in my life about polyamory? 
• Are there any risks to my safety?

Why talking about polyamory can feel difficult

While polyamory may feel extremely familiar to you, in many circles monogamy remains the expected “norm”—and many people might have never encountered polyamory before. If the person you’re speaking to is unfamiliar with polyamory, this can make explaining it feel trickier or higher stakes. And because we still live in a world where, in some places, queerness or any divergence from mononormative values is illegal or endangered, you may want to carefully consider your safety and any personal risks as you make your decision. If you do decide to come out, it’s important to think about the emotional stakes of the process, and whether that’s something you want to take on right now. Even if people react positively, they might have questions. If you’ve got a lot on your plate in other areas of your life, you might want to assess whether you’re in a place to unpack and explain your polyamory to somebody else.

Preparing yourself for the conversation

Of course, you can’t know for sure how someone will react (or the questions they might ask) but by setting some clear boundaries and expectations for yourself, you can feel more confident going in. You might think about:

• How much you’re willing to share. Is talking about your sex life off limits, for example? 
• Your reasons for wanting to share this, and why it’s important to you. 
•  Who is your poly support system? Have any of them had this conversation with friends and family before? How did it go for them? 

How to explain polyamory to someone who isn’t familiar with it

You might encounter a person who has literally never heard of polyamory before. In this case, you may choose to focus on your own experience, rather than giving them a full 101 course on polyamory (which might feel overwhelming to both parties). Perhaps they don’t need to understand the whole spectrum of non-monogamy in order to understand how polyamory feels for you. (Later, if they want to know more, you could always delve deeper). You might try saying things like:

• “I feel really good/safe/happy in this relationship because…” 
• “This relationship works for me because…”
• “Well, for my partners and I, we might navigate that issue by…”
•  “There are lots of different ways to be polyamorous, but for me…”

You could also ask them questions in return, in a supportive and curious way—which could help to reframe their thinking. For example:

• “What’s making you feel uncertain about my relationship dynamic?” 
• “Is there any one thing in particular that concerns you about this relationship style?” 
• “How can I help you understand why this works for me?”

Polyamory can be a process of unlearning a lot of conditioning around monogamy—for both those practicing it, and for their friends and loved ones. 

How to respond to misconceptions about polyamory

Explaining polyamory might also mean addressing misunderstandings—whether that’s around jealousy, cheating, longevity, or polyamory being “only about sex.” If you choose to enter into this conversation, some responses could include:

• “Just like in a monogamous relationship, sex is a part of my relationships, but there are lots of other things I enjoy about being polyamorous too…” 
• “Jealousy is an emotion. Many polyamorous people do still feel jealous at times, but we often try to communicate this with our partners…” 
• "Relationships can end for all kinds of reasons. Being polyamorous doesn’t automatically mean my relationships won’t last…” 

• “I believe cheating is about dishonesty. In polyamory, communication and honesty are vital…”

   

Talking to friends

Many poly people choose to talk about their relationship style with friends before coming out to family members. Your friends might be more embedded in your day-to-day life—and you might want to involve your partner(s) in social events.Depending on how familiar your friends are with polyamory, they might have some questions. Consider the setup that you’d feel most comfortable with—whether this is one-on-one over coffee, or as a single message on the group chat.

You might also want to think about how news travels in your friendship group, and whether there are certain friends you’d prefer to speak to first.Try to be as open and honest as you can be.

Communication is key to polyamorous relationships, but it’s so important in our platonic relationships too. At the same time, remember that you can still uphold boundaries about what you are and aren’t willing to talk about with friends. 

How to talk to family about being polyamorous

When (or if) you choose to tell your family about being polyamorous is entirely up to you. Some people decide to do this when they hit an important milestone with their partner(s), such as moving in together. Other people feel that they want to come out as poly to their families regardless of their current relationship status. There’s no right or wrong way, but here are some things you might want to consider. 

Talking to parents 

Just like in a monogamous relationship, telling parents about a new poly relationship(s) can feel like a big step. It can be especially tricky for people who were previously in a monogamous and/or heterosexual relationship, who have since opened up to a poly and/or queer dynamic.

Your parents’ response may depend on their background and values. Some parents have certain expectations for their children around marriage, monogamy, and family life—and they might be uncertain about the stability or longevity of poly dynamics. You could gently challenge these assumptions by pointing out that many monogamous relationships also end in break-ups (but we don’t tend to blame monogamy for this). 

You might want to explain to your parents why the relationship style works for you, and explain that you are telling them now because it’s a significant part of your life. By focusing on your experience and your feelings, you can help to counteract some preconceptions that parents might bring to the conversation. 

Talking to extended family

For extended family who you don’t see so often, and who perhaps don’t know you so well, talking about polyamory may feel more difficult. You might want to think about the context in which you spend time with them. If this is at large family gatherings, for example, do you feel comfortable speaking about your polyamory to several aunts, uncles, and cousins all at once? This might be a little overwhelming, and you might end up feeling put on the spot by unexpected responses or questions.

Would sending a text or making a phone call feel better? In some cases, it might feel appropriate to give permission to a parent or sibling to tell other family members the news. Whether this feels right will depend on how well the designated family members understand you and your choices, and your level of comfort and trust that they’ll pass the information on in a respectful way. For some people, this can be a good way to take the pressure off. For others, they’d rather tell their family the news themselves. With older relatives, such as grandparents, you might want to consider possible generational differences. It could be worth explaining that polyamory is becoming more commonly talked about today, and connect this to other changes they will have seen in their lifetimes.

If you have a close relationship with your extended family, you might be comfortable telling them everything about your relationships. But if you don’t, consider the level of detail you are willing to go into and what kinds of questions you are able to answer. Get clear on your boundaries in advance of a conversation. Some polyamorous people think of it like this: if you wouldn’t get asked that question as a monogamous person, you shouldn’t have to answer it as a poly person.

Talking to kids about polyamory

Many polyamorous people feel that explaining their relationships to children can be easier than explaining them to adults. Often, children have fewer preconceptions, and will accept new things more easily. Of course it’s important to keep the conversation age appropriate. And it can sometimes be helpful to relate things to the child’s own home life. 

What could this look like in practice? You might keep it really simple, and say something like:

• “This is my boyfriend and this is my girlfriend. Some people like us have more than one boyfriend and girlfriend.”
• “We all love each other equally. Just like how your parents love you and your sister equally.”
• “A bit like how you have different friends at school, I have different boyfriends/girlfriends who I spend my time with.”

When answering questions from children, it’s important to be honest and patient. Again, focus on yourself and your experience. You might want to use phrases like: “for me…,” “I feel like…,” “we do things this way because…” 

You might also point out that people are different, and that there are many different types of relationships—perhaps using examples that the child has already come across. For example: “Your friend has two Daddys…” Or “Your friend whose Mummy and Daddy live in different houses…” This can help them to recognize polyamory as one type of relationship among many, and one that is no less valid.

When conversations don’t go well

If someone in your life does react badly, this can be really unsettling. Try to remember that their response is not about you personally. It is more likely to come from internalized ideas about heteronormativity and monogamy which they’ve learned throughout their lives. Nevertheless, it can be upsetting to feel rejected or misunderstood by people we care about. Give yourself (and them) some time. Sometimes people will come around, or return to you with more questions or a more processed response. They also might not. In either case, protect your own mental health and don’t feel that it is your responsibility to make them change.

Lean on your chosen family. The people you have surrounded yourself with because they accept you for who you are will be there for you. You might also consider speaking with a therapist who specializes in working with polyamorous people. Coming out as polyamorous can feel like a big step, whatever your history or poly dynamic. How you choose to do it, when, and with whom, is entirely up to you. Finding community with other poly people can also be useful—particularly if they’ve already navigated explaining their identity to loved ones. You can explore new connections at a Feeld social, or in the Feeld app. We’re waiting for you.