The Feeld guide to consent

What is consent?

Consent means agreeing to have sex or take part in sexual activity. It’s a non-negotiable aspect of intimacy—and sexual contact without freely given consent constitutes criminal abuse, sexual assault, and/or rape.

Receiving consent means you’re respecting your partner’s physical and emotional boundaries, creating safe and fulfilling sexual experiences. More than just sex, consent is simply a question of bodily autonomy—having control over your own body, your right to say “no,” and respecting the choices of others.  

Crucially, consent is:

• Freely given. This means a choice is made without pressure, coercion, or manipulation. It also means that the person giving consent is capable of wilfully doing so: They’re conscious, awake, and have sufficient mental clarity and sobriety. 
• Enthusiastic. Similarly, consent means that someone is actively and happily agreeing to sexual contact. If someone says “no” and then is convinced or worn down into eventually saying “yes,” that’s not enthusiastic consent.  
• Reversible and ongoing. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, for any or no reason. Even if somebody agrees to an activity initially, they might change their mind or become unsure part-way through. That’s totally fine, and consent should be continuous. 
• Informed. Consent is given when someone has all the information they need about what’s happening. For example, if someone agrees to sex with a condom, and then a condom isn’t used, they are no longer giving informed consent. 
• Specific. Just because somebody agrees to one type of sexual touch or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re agreeing to everything. Consent should be freely given for every new position, touch, or act, and can be withdrawn at any point. 

How to ask for consent

Consent doesn’t have to equal a serious or complicated conversation. It can—and should—be a natural and affirming part of sex. It’s an opportunity to find out what someone wants, and to share what you’d like to do with them, which can be a turn-on. Sarah Casper, a pleasure-focused consent educator and founder of Comprehensive Consent, shares some simple phrases to use: 

• “How does ___ sound to you?”
• “Are you interested in ___ right now?”
• “I’d really like to ___, would you be into that?”
• “If you’re into it, I’d love to ___.”
• “What are your thoughts on ___ right now, or maybe later tonight?”

If it feels right, you might try using some spicier language to set the tone. For more inspiration, take a look at our guide to making consent sexy, with pointers from consent-forward erotica authors.  

Verbalizing consent is the best way to have a clear understanding of what each person wants. However, a lot of sexual interactions involve non-verbal cues, which can be a starting point for continuing to talk about consent. If your partner’s body language changes, check in with them to see whether they’re still enjoying the experience. You might ask: “Is this alright?,” “Are you OK?,” “Does this feel good?,” or “Do you want me to stop?”

How to give consent 

Similarly, as well as asking your partner(s) for consent, it’s empowering to become comfortable verbalizing what you want and don’t want. Explore some phrases that feel natural for you. Casper shares some examples: 

• “I’d love that.”
• “That sounds great.”
• “I’m into that, as long as ___.”
• “Yes, but can you do it like this, instead of like that?”
• “Yes, but I might change my mind at some point.”

How to refuse or withdraw consent 

More than just giving consent, it’s equally as important to feel confident communicating your boundaries and refusing or withdrawing consent when you choose to. Remember: it’s OK to be firm and clear; this isn’t a space for negotiation. 

Saying “no” or withdrawing consent can still be a natural part of an intimate experience as it evolves—and it doesn’t need to feel like a big deal. Depending on the situation, Casper offers some ideas of things you might say: 

• “Um, let’s do something else instead.”
• “That’s not where I’m at right now.”
• “Nah, I’m good.”
• “This feels good, but I think I wanna pause for a bit.”
• “I’m good on this for now; wanna go back to watching TV?”

If somebody pushes back on your response, ignores you, or makes you feel unsafe, it’s OK to be firm, to leave the situation, and to seek support if you feel safe to do so.

Consent and BDSM

In BDSM dynamics, it’s important to plan your scene and discuss consent beforehand. Talk about what you’d like to explore, and what’s a hard “no” for you. If pushing boundaries or consensual non-consent is a part of your dynamic, make sure to establish clear safe words beforehand—which can signal that you want to stop the action.

“In addition to talking about what kind of kinky activities your partner is interested in, their desires, and their limits, BDSM negotiations require discussion about experience, risk tolerance, expectations, safe words/gestures, and aftercare needs,” Casper explains. “Depending on the scene, discussions about name-calling, character roles, medical history, marks, and equipment safety might also be necessary,” she adds.

For more information on how to navigate consent and BDSM, take a look at our consent guide created with educators from Sex School.

How to respond when someone doesn’t give consent 

If your partner doesn’t give consent, or withdraws it at any point, that’s totally fine, and it’s a decision that must be respected. It’s not OK to ignore it, push it, negotiate, or coerce them into changing their mind,and doing so may constitute a crime.

Withdrawing or denying consent also doesn’t need to “kill the mood.” You might find another way to be intimate that everyone is happy with, or decide just to cuddle, talk, or relax instead. 

If it feels right in the moment, you may want to talk further about your boundaries. Equally, a more in-depth conversation can sometimes be productive outside the bedroom. If you feel comfortable, find a time to talk to your partner(s) about your non-negotiable boundaries, as well as the things you do like, and the things you’d like to try. 

Remember: if anybody you’re having sex with is reluctant to discuss consent, you should consider whether it’s safe for you to continue engaging with them. And if somebody makes you feel unsafe, violates your boundaries, or ignores any denial of consent—you may want to seek support, including reaching out to law enforcement where appropriate.

How to report sexual assault or rape

If you have been the victim of sexual assault, harassment, or rape, we encourage you to contact law enforcement in your area, if you feel safe doing so. 

You might choose to confide in a trusted friend, partner, or family member, if you feel comfortable—and this may help you to feel safer and more supported. There are also a range of resources and organizations dedicated to helping survivors of sexual assault. The Chayn global directory can enable you to find support services in a range of countries. 

If you’ve experienced sexual harassment or assault from somebody you’ve met on Feeld, we advise you to report them in the app or contact our Support team with identifying details of the offender and a description of the incident. We have zero tolerance for this behavior and will remove perpetrators from our community as soon as we identify them.

For a deeper dive on ways to give, ask for, and talk about consent—plus advice on navigating sex in BDSM dynamics—take a look at our detailed Sex School consent guide. Giving and receiving consent is a non-negotiable part of any sexual interaction, paving the way for truly enjoyable, affirming, and meaningful experiences.