In the early 2010s, a pithy slogan took off among sex educators—especially those working on American college campuses: Consent is sexy!
The mantra was part of a wider effort to get young people excited about affirmative (that is: informed, voluntary, and enthusiastic) consent, explains Sarah Casper of the Comprehensive Consent school education program, by framing it as a hot, erotic experience, as well as a moral and legal imperative. However, Casper and several other educators I spoke to acknowledge the young people they work with usually start out pretty skeptical about this gung-ho motto.
Many of them have seemingly absorbed the widespread misconception that, while consent is necessary, the sort of clear communication required to get explicit consent can be awkward—and might derail a sexy vibe. This view is both reflected in and reinforced by pop culture, which often suggests that the sexiest thing you can do is build tension with someone, then wordlessly and effortlessly go for it. And by porn, which—ostensibly in an effort to give the people/the market the fantasies they really want to see—has historically glossed over any mention of consent in favor of getting to the good stuff.
But, despite the conventional wisdom that realistic consent doesn’t sell while ravishing fantasies do, a few corners of the adult content ecosystem reasonably insist on depicting affirmative desire. Notably, in 1985 a group of women walked out of a romance publishing conference to protest the field’s focus on “forced seduction” fantasies, kicking off a movement that produced a steady stream of consent-forward erotica. Indie and feminist porn, which emerged around the 1980s as well but gained wider visibility in the 2010s, also tend to integrate explicit consent into their sex scenes.
In 2020, a few academics decided to test the consent is sexy mantra—and popular skepticism of it—by showing a group of American adults excerpts from erotic stories, some of which featured explicit consent and some of which didn’t. In a result that will (hopefully) come as no surprise, they found that, on average, their subjects actually preferred consent-infused stories. This, the scholars argued, showed that consent can be sexy—and suggested that consent-forward adult content can be a good source of inspiration for folks trying to figure out how to make consent sexy in their own lives.
To learn more about the ideas people can take from consent-focused adult content, I reached out to about a half dozen erotica authors and indie porn auteurs to find out how they make consent sexy within their works—and what we can learn from them.
Make consent part of the experience
One of the reasons some people seem to struggle with the idea of making consent sexy is because their understanding of the concept is too narrow: They view it as a legalistic process of asking for official permission to engage in an action before actually enacting it—which must be repeated, in sequence, for every action they may want to take. In reality, as the educators I spoke to for this piece explained, consent can take many forms. Everyone should clearly discuss their wants, needs, and boundaries with their partner(s) before getting intimate. But rather than periodically stopping a good, sexy time for a dry check-in, consent can take the form of a nonverbal cue, guiding dirty talk, or any other type of clear direction—so long as everyone in an encounter is on the same communicative page.
“Consent is about looking at someone and saying, ‘I want you,’” says educator Cate Osborn. “‘I want you to feel good and safe and valued as my partner in this moment. How can I make you feel good? How can I give you the best experience possible?’… And that’s hot as fuck.”
Your frame of mind affects the way you’ll project and receive consent, explains LGBTQ+ and reverse harem erotica author Emery Rachelle. Focus on that legalistic vision of consent and a fear of the unfamiliar, and consent will start to feel and sound alien, taking you out of the moment. Treat it as a sign of desire, and you’ll find desire in it.
Ask for more
Erotica authors have developed detailed guides to writing spicy consent, Rachelle explains. But TL;DR, they suggest that it can help to think of consent within a framework of sexual tension. Authors use stolen glances, internal monologues, and other devices to build a sense of mutual but unrealized lust. Then they have one character ask the other if they want to act on that desire—“move sexual tension and chemistry from unspoken to spoken,” as Rachelle puts it—turning consent into a logical climax rather than a break in the action. “That first acknowledgement of the feelings that have been building up for pages is an incredibly satisfying moment for readers,” they argue.
Likewise, within a sex scene, as action progresses, an erotica author might use consent to break the action in a way that heightens tension, and acts as a tease rather than a derailment. Think of a hand drifting down towards a belt for the first time, only to stop short of the buckle as the character driving the action looks down at the object of their desire and asks, slyly, “More?”
“‘Do you want more?’ Or ‘beg for it.”… Anything along those lines can be a way of getting consent,” explains Osborn. Granted, when taking this approach into real life rather than a narrated story, she adds, “it’s important to make sure your partner knows they can always opt out—they can always say no—and you are genuinely asking them for permission to proceed.”
Talk through it
Rather than write consent like a legal contract, Rachelle explains, erotica authors often write it like dirty talk. “To paraphrase Dan Savage,” says feminist porn director Inka Winter, “dirty talk is just saying what you’re doing right now, what you’re about to do, or what you want to do.”
“‘Do you want to have sex later?’ is a lovely, clear-cut place to start from,” Osborn agrees, “But leaning over and whispering, ‘How would you feel about me pushing you up against the wall and kissing you until you can’t think straight?’ can add a lot of flavor to the evening.”
Finally, Rachelle adds, tone and context are key to a good erotic scene. Use stilted, unnatural language, and your attempts at consent-affirming dirty talk will start to sound uncanny-valley robotic. Conversely, in real life, use your sexy voice and the right mood lighting, and even a word that might sound overly clinical in one context—say, penetrate—can build on sexy vibes instead.
Granted, Winter acknowledges, it’s not always possible to work an ideal form of consent into adult content—for example, in a piece of historical fiction where an author’s trying to reflect and play with the era’s skewed power dynamics. So, at the end of the day, Rachelle says, we can’t look to fantasy and fiction for consistent, perfect modeling.
But as sex educator Julia Feldman points out, it’s broadly clear that we can usually make consent sexy if we really want to. “A lot of it comes down to motivation and creativity,” she argues.
Should consent (always) be sexy?
Just because it’s usually possible to make consent sexy using the tricks and tools of erotica, that doesn’t mean we should always do so, Osborn argues. Some people need pause-the-moment direct communication to feel clear, safe, and fully onboard, she explains. An imperative to work consent into the erotic flow of a moment may actually hurt those individuals. Likewise, straining towards sexualization runs the risk of distracting folks from the core goal of consent: making sure everyone in an encounter honestly understands each other’s wants, needs, and desires.
“In real life, sexy consent is a perk, not a requirement,” Rachelle cautions. “Consent is necessary in every sexual encounter, whether or not you can find a sexy way to ask for it [in real time]."
Even if you do have to break the flow of a sexual moment for a bit of unsexy but necessary consent conversation, that doesn’t have to derail a sexual encounter entirely, Rachelle adds. “There are many things that can hypothetically ‘kill the mood,’” they explain. “The cat jumping on the bed. The phone ringing. Accidentally elbowing an unfortunate location. These things are just part of life… You and your partner can laugh it off. It’s all about attitude and approach.”
Embracing the awkward and absurd elements of sex—finding the humor in them before rolling right on—is a big part of what makes an experience comfortable, and makes space for everyone involved to be playful. Even if it’s not sexy in a given moment, that ease and acceptance will almost always make an encounter overall more fun and enjoyable.
“Conversations about sex can be clunky and awkward and silly,” Osborn adds. “It doesn’t mean those conversations aren’t worth having. If you value your relationship—if you value the health and safety of your partner—it’s important to get comfortable with being uncomfortable… and the more you have those [unsexy, uncomfortable] conversations, the less awkward they are.”
If you're concerned about a quick consent check-in ruining the mood, don't worry. It generally won't. And if your partner isn't open to conversations around consent, that's a major red flag.
So, talk to your partner(s) about what they want or need these conversations to look like. Get comfortable with sexy (or unsexy) consent communication. And, if everyone's down with the idea, consider dipping into your favorite piece of erotic content for inspiration once in a while.
Curious about delving deeper into all kinds of connection? Find what’s waiting for you on Feeld.
