The Feeld Guide to “closing” a relationship

There are plenty of resources on how to take those first steps into open relationships and polyamory, but one of the trickiest things to navigate can be the opposite—how to go from a relationship that is open, to one that is monogamous. It’s a process of acceptance, communication, and forging new boundaries.

The problem starts with the language itself: to take something that is “open,” and to take the action of “closing” it feels somewhat accusatory—a spooking, a rejection of the qualities implied by “open.” The term itself might feel judgmental, implying a shutting down, a folding in. To use it, especially if you have been very active in the ENM community, may harken back to a time when relationships were jealously guarded hermetic units; maybe times that we ourselves remember from earlier relationships, ones that were unhealthy, the very relationships that led us into exploring alternate modes of intimacy in the first place.

Being in a relationship that’s monogamous from the get-go is one thing; it’s still, generally, the default societal relationship setting. But to try something new, and to then make the—possibly painful—decision that it’s not working for you and your partner(s), is a difficult, vulnerable thing to admit.

And yet, no relationship remains static. Our relationships, and what we need from them, evolve all the time. It’s not unusual for there to be times during open relationships where, functionally, they are monogamous, if partners aren’t currently dating others. And there shouldn’t be shame or a sense of failure during times when partners decide that, whether for the moment or permanently, the relationship should be intentionally monogamous.

What this article discusses is a distinction between monogamy as control and monogamy as intentionality. Between one partner imposing their wishes on another in a jealous way—using monogamy to dictate who the other person can or can’t date, or setting an ultimatum—and what it means to make an informed and loving decision by both (or more) parties that monogamy is what best serves the relationship in its current state, for reasons that everyone agrees on. And this isn’t limited to a relationship of just two people—a relationship of several people can be “closed” too. The key thing is that new partners are not introduced into the dynamic, and there can be many reasons for this.

Capacity issues

 Dating more than one person is an experience that even the most enthusiastic polyamorist can’t deny takes up a lot of capacity—whether emotional, practical, or even potentially financial, if you’re a committed date night person. There are times when this capacity simply isn’t there, and you are not able to dedicate time and energy to dating. Or it might be that this lack of capacity has resulted in a kind of dating burnout.

 Sometimes the decision to “close” a relationship isn’t even about the primary relationship itself, but a question of fairness to other people you date outside of it. Everyone in the relationship needs to be treated with respect. If you are unable to give a sufficient amount of your time or care to any of the people you are dating, at whatever stage you are dating them, this needs to be acknowledged and accepted.

Life changes

Life happens all the time. A bereavement, physical or mental health problems, a pregnancy. During times of big change, dating other people may be a way to incorporate more love and support into a relationship—we all need connection. However, it’s also possible that at times of great change we simply are not in the place to date others outside of our primary relationship. As well as this, devoting too much time to others can take our focus away from the issues at hand, or be used as a distraction technique in order to avoid processing major changes. As an example, two people who have just had a baby might decide to keep things monogamous at a time of intense vulnerability, exhaustion, and emotional and physical change.

Working through issues

Similarly, there are times during every relationship where issues and crises come up that need to be addressed. If you are dealing with conflict or stressors within your relationship, sometimes focusing energy on overcoming these issues can be more beneficial than continuing to date, spreading yourself too thin or not fully addressing need within the primary relationship.

Am I doing polyamory “wrong”?

Even with the knowledge that we are “closing” a relationship for healthy reasons, there can still be a sense of shame, or even guilt, attached to the idea that we have somehow failed at polyamory. We may worry about judgment from others in the community, worry about our own capacities for jealousy, or berate ourselves for poor emotional health, when the reality is that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Closing a relationship can be, in its own way, an opportunity for deepening intimacy and self-knowledge, as much as exploring with others can be. It focuses attention back on the other partner(s), as well as the self, and can be a prime time for reflection. What are the reasons for “closing” the relationship, and what do you hope closing it will give you? A chance to gain more time with yourself, some breathing space to work through a difficult time with your partner(s), or some time to address some issues that you’ve been trying to avoid?

There can be a sense of grief, too, to the decision, whether or not you were actively dating. To “close” a relationship can feel like a retreat from intimacy and the possibilities of dating many people, in a way that we can internalize as failure. But dating several people, dealing with their needs and with the dynamics of these structures, can feel overwhelming. Sometimes we may not be in the space to embrace this level of intimacy, and we may not ever be. It’s a lot. Wanting to focus more on fewer partners, whether temporarily or permanently, is a perfectly understandable choice.

It can be an opportunity to look inwards at the feelings this decision stirs up in you, and the narratives we build around them; rather than feel despairing at an inability to deal with jealousy, for example, it could be a chance to think about where these insecurities are coming from, and working through that with a trusted partner(s).

It doesn’t have to be forever

The same way many “closed” relationships become “open,” a relationship can switch between states of opening or closing over time. We are learning in all our relationships, trying things out and attempting to work together better and more honestly, and sometimes this comes with mixed results. Trying out monogamy isn’t a rejection of radical relationship potential, or an indication of failure, but rather just another approach in the weird, wild, and wonderful ways we can care for and be intimate with other human beings. It can be a way into intimacy, or a different kind of intimacy, rather than a way to avoid it. If it’s the right decision for a relationship at that time—and only the people within the relationship know this—then it’s the right decision, with no one size fitting all.