D’eau d’Attachment

Astrology. The Five Love Languages. Human Design. Attachment Theory. The Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator. For those with even a passing interest in human behavior and classification, there are countless psychometric tests (and systems of divination) to determine romantic compatibility. What if I told you the key to understanding your romantic life is sitting on your perfume shelf?

Perfume is an inherently reflexive and relational medium; perceiving a scent means acknowledging ourselves within a larger network of physical bodies. Olfactory information takes an express route to the limbic system, the part of our brain that governs attachment and creates a link between physical and emotional safety. This primitive part of us is motivated by desire and the avoidance of pain, so it’s no mystery that the scents we choose are woven into a larger network of primary instincts, including the primal need to be accepted. Oh, you thought perfume was just a frivolous flight of fancy? Whether you wear it to feel delicious, alluring, powerful, or confusing, the way you smell is a backstage pass to your psyche.

I’m not technically qualified to offer advice on relationships (I’m single), but perfume psychology is a field of study I invented, meaning I’m an expert. Because I love all perfume and think that people should wear more of it, I’m uninterested in policing what people wear, but fascinated by why they choose to wear it. Like all our decisions, your fragrance selection is a product of your emotional schema, including your attachment style. Read on to learn whether yours telegraphs avoidance, anxiety, dependability, or chaos. 

Type 1: The Perfume Anxious

Who they are: The Perfume Anxious among us will gravitate towards fragrances that are both extremely strong and extremely sweet. They lack confidence in their own preferences and make decisions by committee, trolling Perfume Tok for frags that “last through a shower,” and “will make him fall in love.” What is this effluvious sorcery? Longevity reigns supreme for the Perfume Anxious, citizens of Youtube Nation for whom Fragrantica.com is a town hall in which to demand a $30 eau de toilette to outlast the Temples of Malta. 

The Perfume Anxious will seldom deviate from democratizing crowd-pleasers; think creamy vanilla, juicy lychee, floaty marshmallow, and Froot Loop-scented neroli. These are pretty fragrances, but they’re not challenging or surprising. I call them bridesmaid perfumes because they’re nice enough for the night but too generic to cast a love spell. 

How to date them: Being courted by a Perfume Anxious can be as suffocating as their Maison Francis Kurkdjian dupes; if you can smell your date (and their olfactory desperation) from across the street, politely compliment them on their perfume and maintain healthy boundaries. Also, please keep in mind that anxiety manifesting as chronic overapplication is gender agnostic–as my co-host and I have said before on our podcast, Nose Candy: “If he reeks of sandalwood, we sandal-wouldn’t.”

Type 2: The Perfume Avoidant

Who they are: On the far opposite end of the spectrum is the Perfume Avoidant. This person may wear perfume with regularity, but they’ll twist themselves in knots to conceal any degree of olfactory intention. Their choice of what to spray reflects a fear of smelling “bad,” but to a Perfume Avoidant, to smell bad simply means to smell the effort. This too-cool-to-care mindset manifests most heartbreakingly as a desire to smell like nothing at all. Perfume Avoidants may complement a lover’s scent, but when it comes to selecting our own, they’ll demure. On them, everything smells too strong, too sweet, too overbearing. They get headaches, so more than one paltry spray is overkill. 

Skin scents are the olfactory equivalent of the Emperor's New Clothes, well-suited to Perfume Avoidants because they’re as close as it gets to a perfumed placebo. These taciturn scents run along a spectrum from faintly woody (ISO E Super) to faintly shampoo-y (Ambroxan). They’re nice! But borderline imperceptible in their timidity. 

How to date them: Wearing perfume is an act of vulnerability because smell is an intimate reflection of personal taste, and Perfume Avoidants are allergic to intimacy. If you’re on a date with someone who smells like nothing, my advice would be to run, but you likely won’t have to. They’ll tell you they didn’t text back because they were napping for three days, then disappear as quickly as their Molecule 01.

Type 3: The Perfume Secure

Who they are: The Perfume Secure are the most emotionally balanced genre of Perfume Enjoyer, which might sound boring, but smells amazing. These evolved types maintain psychological distance between themselves and the perfumes they wear, which means they’re unfazed by trends and know a beautiful scent can just as soon be found at the discount outerwear factory as at the niche boutique. They’re keenly aware that one woman’s trash is another’s Trésor, and you might catch them dusting off an ancient bottle of Coco Mademoiselle to wear with vintage abandon. We all know food tastes better when it’s cooked with love, and perfume is similarly colored by the wearer’s intent; nothing smells better than a scent worn with confidence.

Someone Perfume Secure knows that the purpose of a fragrance is not to mask the musky, humid reality of the body, but to refer back to it. Authenticity is the north star that guides each purchase and application, and what is more authentic than the day-old rank of the mortal coil? These types may gravitate towards notes like labdanum (dried saliva), oud (taint), or indoles (cat piss). They can defuse even the most confrontational frags by their fearlessness, so self-possessed in their olfactory decisions that they might even make semen-scented perfume smell endearing.

How to date them: Buckle up: if your date wears a perfume that smells like a rim job, it’s evidence they’re ready to commit. You should be too.

Type 4: The Perfume Chaotic

Who they are: You can smell a disorganized perfume attachment style from a mile away. Oftentimes they’ve been traumatized by perfume (and can’t bear the thought of smelling like their mother), but they’re so out of touch with their own desires that they’re rendered emotionally anosmic. Rather than understanding a perfume as a finished product, they’ll layer 6 frags like they’re ordering at Chipotle. They’re unpredictable in their decision-making, forcing interactions with sales associates that border on harassment. They don’t use their indoor voices. They blind buy. They say they love perfume but the way they wear it is hateful.

You can always count on Perfume Chaotics to have the best collections. These olfactory assassins understand perfume as an opportunity to wreak havoc on their surroundings, drawn to demented gourmands that smell like funnel cake, rind-washed goat cheese, or chili steeped in milk. 

How to date them: In my opinion, these are the most eligible of the lot, but remember, I’m single. If your date shows up smelling like a chemical spill my personal advice is give them a chance; even a romantic mismatch is an opportunity to expand your olfactory horizons.