If you regularly use apps for dating, then you may have already experienced ghosting. Or perhaps you’ve been a victim of “slow fading.” With literally thousands of people at your fingertips, if you aren’t gelling with someone, for some people it means that they can move on to the next person and pretend like nothing ever happened.
A lot of the time, to avoid a confrontation about ending things, people will just ghost away; disappearing into the ether and never speaking to you ever again. Or they might “slow fade” you.
What is "slow fading"?
Slow fading someone is a way for someone to exit your relationship, no matter what stage it’s in, without having to tell you it’s over. You’ll probably receive fewer and fewer messages, or only very short ones. You’ll hear excuses as to why they aren’t chatting or meeting up with you, and slowly they will just fade away.
Ghosting vs. "slow fading": The key differences
Ghosting, widely considered to be poor form in the dating world, is different to slow fading. What they have in common is that they are both ways to distance yourself from someone completely without having to engage in any conflict.
So what is the difference between ghosting and "slow fading"? Ghosting means that the person you are talking to, or even dating, will cut off all communication completely without any warning. When someone decides to ghost someone,this can leave the other person wondering about what happened. Having no answer about the reason for something ending can leave you with more questions, and lead to self-doubt. It’s often hurtful and confusing.
A slow fade is a longer, more drawn out process. "Slow fading" could go on for weeks or even longer. The person will feign interest at first, or maybe they will have had genuine interest, but for whatever reason it’s tapered off. Those good morning texts might stop, replies to your paragraphs about how your day was will be met with just an “ok.” Over time, that person will leave it longer and longer before answering your messages until they stop responding completely.
Why do people ghost or slowly fade?
Some people think it might be kinder to simply slip away or let things fizzle out rather than have a lengthy conversation about why they don’t think it’s going to work out. Sometimes things fizzle out on their own naturally—you both might just stop talking. But if one person is actively pursuing the other without much response, it’s far better to be direct than to lead them on.
Cate McKenzie, a sex and relationship therapist, explains that avoidance often plays a role in ghosting or slow fading:
“Most people are not brought up [on] how to deal with conflict, and have a little bit of avoidance around conflict. It doesn't always mean they're a bad person, they may be dealing with ill parents or teenage children and a divorce, which is very stressful. There can be so many combinations of what's going on. So it's not always that people are awful and inconsiderate; different things are happening in different people's situations."
While the reasons behind ghosting can vary, McKenzie acknowledges how difficult it can be for the person left in the dark. She highlights the importance of focusing on your own response and maintaining balance in dating dynamics:
"If you've actually had a really nice date and you got a bit close, and then they've withdrawn and then there's no reason why, this can be very confusing. But it's all about how we handle it. If we take our power back and pull back, sometimes, these people come forward. Obviously some people will ‘ghost’ or ‘slow fade,’ but actually quite often, people will come back if we can chill out."
So how can you chill out? McKenzie suggests filling your calendar with fun activities and dating multiple people to avoid over-focusing on one person too soon:
“Make sure there's loads of fun in your diary, multi date! You should not just focus on one person, as that's intimidating.
I always suggest people don't do long dates initially. If we overbond too quickly, and we share too quickly, we don't know where the other person is. It can be unbalanced, where one person likes the other one more, and then you get attached, and that’s often when they ghost or fizzle away.”
How to handle ghosting or "slow fading" in dating
It’s quite likely, if you’ve been dating for any amount of time, that you will have been ghosted, or even slow faded, and you will probably feel pretty disillusioned about dating in general, or even a little bit hurt. The other person wasn’t emotionally mature enough to tell you the truth. It was not your fault. Relationships, especially in the early stages often don’t work out, and we are all mature enough to understand that. It might sting a little bit to hear that your latest crush isn’t feeling it, but it’s infinitely better to hear that and move on to someone who is into you than to be unceremoniously ghosted or slow faded out.
This is a great opportunity to think about how you communicate your needs and wants. For example, my only requirement (at any stage of a relationship) is to not be left on read when I have sent a message. A simple “ok” to acknowledge receipt is good enough for me. Or they might tell me they can’t message at work, so they aren’t ignoring me.
This is a reasonable boundary and you will have your own. If the other person isn’t in agreement, then that is a sign that this isn’t the relationship for you. A healthy relationship means prioritizing yourself and your needs as well as your partners. Communication is the key to any relationship, old or new.
If you are unsure if you have been ghosted or slow faded, you should chat with friends who might have been in the same situation, and can guide you through on how to handle it. You can also check out the Feeld Guide to ghosting, or read more about peoples’ experiences on how they processed it.
