Living in the blurry era of modern-day dating, we’re sure we can all agree that romantic relationships aren’t exactly easy to navigate. Defining them can be even harder. From passionate hook-ups and periods of no contact, to on-and-off promises and misleading situationships, the glossary of casual courtships is ever-evolving—so much so that it can be hard to know how a potential partner feels about you. When it comes to NSA, or ‘“no strings attached” relationships, it’s important to be fully aware of the scenario you’ve signed up for.
So, what exactly is a “no strings attached” arrangement, you ask? Put simply, an NSA arrangement is when consenting individuals agree to have a physical relationship, without the commitments that come with traditional partnerships. We’re talking about a never-ending hot honeymoon phase with no expectations of a long-term liaison. Sounds good, doesn’t it? While an NSA arrangement can be carefree and fun, people who enter into them aren’t necessarily looking for a "happily-ever-after." It’s less about a perfect ending and more about enjoying the present moment—no strings, no pressure. Still, sometimes things can unfold in unexpected ways, and who knows? Life has a way of surprising us.
What does NSA mean in dating?
Certified sexologist, India Simms, explains that an NSA relationship is “when two or more people decide to connect sexually with the understanding that they are not exclusive.” Now, here’s where it gets more complicated. Simms goes on to say that NSA relationships don’t always mean “no feelings”—“many people might still be seeking companionship and connection from one another and things don’t have to be strictly physical.” Depending on what you agree with your partner or partners, the level of physical intimacy varies from connection to connection. This could be anything from regular flirty sexting and words of affirmation to routine steamy sessions. Whatever floats your casually anchored boat. Most of the time, an NSA relationship is agreed upon from the very beginning, to avoid any potential upset. A non-committal agreement only works if both participants are in the know—irresponsibly leading someone on is always a bad idea. That being said, NSA relationships can sometimes evolve naturally. For example, you may be dating someone and realize that you don’t want anything serious from it, apart from sex or some form of physical intimacy. Though tricky to navigate, there’s nothing wrong with changing an existing relationship into an NSA one, as long as no one’s feelings are compromised.
How does an NSA relationship work?
The question is, how does an NSA relationship actually work? Though it all sounds simple enough, closing off your mind to emotional entanglements isn’t as easy as you may think. Like any agreement, rules and boundaries need to be set. Sex and relationship expert Tara Suwinyattichaiporn suggests starting with a stripped-back discussion to “defin[e] the relationship”. Getting to the bare bones of what you want the relationship to be—or don’t want it to be—is integral to making sure expectations are set and agreed upon.
Dr. Wednesday Martin, author, and social researcher, says that “NSA agreements require as many or even more relational skills than other relationship styles.” Your list of potential dealbreakers should be fully unpacked to avoid any unwanted complications. How are you going to navigate safe sex? Are you in it for the right reasons, or are you hoping for something more? What scenarios make you feel uneasy? Will you keep each other informed about other physical partners? What will you do if one of you gets emotionally invested…?
NSA vs friends with benefits: What’s the difference?
Friends with benefits vs. “no strings attached”... are they the same? While both arrangements have tangible similarities, they have fundamental differences that are important to understand in the world of modern dating. “Friends with benefits” connotes a situation where two people are friends first, before they start engaging in any physical activity, and mutually agree to have sex without committing to anything serious—which usually means that respect and emotional awareness are already there.
With FWB, it can fluctuate from a one-time thing to regular casual encounters, depending on what you’ve agreed with said friend. NSA revolves more around the vacancy of emotional connection. More a situation of convenience, than friendship. More fulfilling a physical need, than enjoying each other's company. If we’re taking lessons from cinema, in Friends with Benefits Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are firm friends before they engage in a sideline sexual relationship, unlike Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman in No Strings Attached who are loose acquaintances, bump into each other on a whim, and decide to keep things strictly physical. Get the picture?
No Strings Attached and casual dating: What to expect
If you’re interested in a physical relationship and are not actively looking for a serious partnership, then an NSA arrangement may be the best thing for you. Before you dive in, it’s important to understand how your lifestyle might work with a “no strings attached” relationship. Let’s unpack the potential pros and cons of an NSA relationship, shall we?
THE PROS
SEXUAL EXPLORATION
Having a safe space, like an NSA relationship, to fulfill your sexual appetite and be more adventurous with your desires can be a good thing—talk about a confidence booster. According to Forbes, “individuals can experience a safe space for exploring and fulfilling physical desires in a casual arrangement, experimenting with diverse sexual preferences and expanding their understanding of intimacy.” You can have fun, intimate times with another similar mind without having to think about the obstacles that can come to light in a committed relationship.
PLAYING THE FEELD (sorry)
Family therapist, Bree Jenkins, says "NSA relationships can be low effort, easy to maintain, simple, uncomplicated, transparent, and emotionally easy to navigate if everyone involved has clarity, is openly consenting to the NSA dynamic and enjoying themselves.” Depending on what you’ve agreed upon, an NSA relationship isn’t normally monogamous—this “uncomplicated” agreement means you can have your cake and eat it without feeling guilty. You have the complete freedom to delve into other potential flames that pop up.
SELF-DISCOVERY
A “no strings attached” arrangement is brilliant for those who don’t want to jump into a relationship that isn’t right for you and want to suss out what’s out there, as well as what qualities you may need in a future partner. Having the freedom to openly find out what you like and don’t like about a relationship within a trusted NSA relationship can help you discover what kind of partner you want—or don’t.
THE CONS
IMPACT ON CONFIDENCE
How we feel about ourselves can be hugely swayed by our relationships. Verywellmind claims that “some studies have found a correlation between casual sex and a variety of negative mental health consequences such as anxiety, sadness, feeling bad about oneself, regret, depression, and poor self-esteem.” Though an NSA relationship can see your confidence rocket, it can also bring it down if you’re not careful. We all want to feel desired and attractive, but at the wrong time or under uncertain circumstances, a strictly physical relationship can be detrimental to your self-esteem.
CATCHING THE FEELS
Sometimes, no matter what you might think you want, feelings for a sexual partner can manifest against your will. Oxytocin, or “the love hormone,” is released during sex and can cause you to experience “surge[s] of positive emotion” and feelings of “trust.” Sometimes, it has nothing to do with you. It’s literally biology. Things like cuddling after sex or sharing a kiss every now and then can be misleading for both parties, especially if they’re adamant about keeping emotions turned down.
Psychologist Mark Travers says that NSA relationships can leave “individuals feeling used, emotionally wounded, and unvalued, leading to negative emotional experiences in the long run.” If you or your NSA partners start to feel more than the other, it’s probably a sign that the arrangement is no longer working and that a touch-base conversation needs to happen.
TOO DISTRACTING
As ironic as it might sound, having an NSA relationship can be a cock block. If you’re interested in finding a serious relationship or meaningful connection, spending your spare time having casual consensual sex can make you too preoccupied to focus on finding someone else. It depends on whether you’re happy with continuing with your NSA, or if you want to invest your spare energy in dating more seriously. Neither path is wrong.
Top tips for navigating NSA relationships successfully
Are you reading this article and thinking, how do I know if an NSA relationship is right for me and how would I go about navigating one? Here are a few things we’d recommend doing if you’re considering entering into an NSA arrangement…
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF
It’s time to ask yourself the tough questions. Are you sure that a strictly physical relationship is something that would bring you joy? Are you secure in your non-attachment to this person or people? Are you ready to be vulnerable with them in a sexual way? Is there anything specific you need from an NSA relationship that you need to vocalize? Communicating openly and clearly defining your boundaries, with both yourself and your potential partner, is crucial in an NSA relationship.
MANAGE EXPECTATIONS
If you’re going ahead with an NSA relationship, you need to focus on the now. The future shouldn’t come into it. A casual partnership like this is about living in the moment and enjoying each other while you can (and still want to). If your mind keeps drifting into the realm of “what potential does this relationship have” then you should reassess whether a casual and non-committal situation is something you want. Any feelings of resentment or jealousy surrounding your partner's other sexual relationships are also a telling sign that it isn’t right for you. If you’re no longer having fun, then is it worth it?
STAY SAFE
It’s not only your emotions that are at play in an NSA arrangement, but your physical health too. Mutual trust isn’t as easy to build when you aren’t in a committed relationship, so the potential health risks are far higher. Make sure you’re fully in the know of any contraception your partners may be taking and take regular STI tests to keep all parties safe. Regular health checks are calling your name.
Common misconceptions about NSA relationships
Western society has a (not so) funny way of bashing concepts that aren’t traditionally well-trodden. According to research, casual physical relationships get “a bad rep because of internalised prejudice towards any form of relationship that goes against the grain of the societal norm.” For NSA relationships, this is only too true. Here are just some of the myths surrounding “no strings attached” arrangements:
- Insecure people can’t have a successful non-monogamous relationship
- NSA is simply an excuse for cheating
- NSA relationships never work
- These types of attachments are unhealthy
- People in NSA relationships don’t respect each other
- NSA relationships are all about casual sex
On the contrary, NSA relationships require just as much mutual respect, honesty, and boundaries as traditional monogamous courtships. They rely on constant communication and mutual satisfaction. Just because the end goal isn’t a detached house, wedding bells, and a labrador doesn’t mean that an NSA relationship is any less valid.
In today's dating society, sex doesn’t have to be that serious. We now have the freedom to explore our sexualities without holding back. NSA relationships are becoming more and more popular in today’s society, so it's essential that we all learn, process, and grow with it.
You may not have considered one before, but perhaps an NSA relationship is what you’re looking for? If you’re happy to get down to it without making any promises, and whatever you’ve agreed to do with your NSA partners feels good, satisfying, and consensual, then why shouldn’t you “do it like they do on the Discovery Channel?”
