Living with your parents and dating is a Venn diagram with a particularly tricky overlap. Little talked about, Arielle Domb interviews the class of 25-34-year-olds who have found ways to make it work. (Park sex being just one solution.)
It wasn’t working. So, in the last week of August, we decided to break up. I crammed my things into two suitcases and said goodbye to his bright, airy East London flat—where we would take nighttime walks down the canals in Limehouse or lick strawberry-swirled vanilla ice creams in Victoria Park. My younger brother picked me up and I cried all the way home—all the way back to my parent’s house in suburbia, all the way back to my childhood bedroom at the other end of the Northern Line.
When we arrived home, I felt like I’d been winded. I lay down on my floral bedsheets in my floral-themed bedroom and glanced at the wall, patchworked with photos of me and my school friends at Reading Festival, high on hash and flying saucers and post-GCSE bliss. I was now 27. How the hell did I get here?, I asked myself, and, when I was ready for it: How the hell was I going to date?
Living with your mum and dad isn’t sexy. But in the UK, where I was born and raised, it’s becoming increasingly common, with rents rising at the highest rate in decades. In the last 18 years, the number of 25 to 34-year-old adults who live with their parents has increased by more than a third, up to 18% in 2024. And yet while this living arrangement is no longer a rarity, when it comes to dating, it still feels taboo. How does one return to the nest while maintaining their sexuality? Can one cohabit with one’s parents (not to mention teenage trauma) without losing one’s mind? What is the secret, or hack, to dating while living back home?
“A lot of park sex,” joked Sam,* a 28-year-old designer who moved back in with their parents last year after “four years of intense financial stress.” Rents in London rose a record 11.6% between 2023 and 2024, and for Sam—like many other young professionals in the city—£1000/month for a SpareRoom sublet no longer made sense. Sam had begun turning down social plans, unable to keep up with their friends with higher salaries. “I felt so boring,” they told me.
Moving back home lifted their financial burden. “It’s given me headspace I didn’t imagine enjoying,” Sam said. But when it comes to dating, it’s been tough. “It feels okay to go on the odd date here and there,” they said. The trouble is when you want to go beyond that. “It’s not having the space (emotionally and physically) to… get to know someone from the comfort of your own environment,” they said, “You’re either going to someone’s house or you’re introducing them to your parents.”
In 2022, psychologists coined the term “erotic equity” to describe the way in which constrained socioeconomic conditions seemed to correlate with poorer sexual wellbeing, like satisfaction and overall functioning. While it’s difficult to quantify, one 2006 survey found that around 2 million Brits said that they’d lost their sex drives as a result of worrying about money.
“There's less spontaneity,” said Joshua,* a 26-year-old teacher who moved back home with his mum in London last summer. While she’s fine with him bringing girls back to the house, she’s less keen on one night-stands. Joshua respects that it is her home and reckons that openness and honesty are the best approach. “You're being an adult, doing adult things,” he said, “Probably the worst thing to do in that situation is to try to be shady about it.”
According to Lorraine Grover, a psychosexual nurse and therapist, there are numerous aspects of returning to one’s family home that can impact one’s sexual behavior. Adults back in their childhood bedrooms may “have all the thoughts and emotions that may have been going on for them growing up,” she told me. “The environment may not lend itself” to cultivating a mindset “that you want to be sexual in.”
Grover says that making small changes can go a long way “to help you get your head into a frame of mind to feel sexual.” She suggests tuning into your five senses to set a scene—whether that’s purchasing soft linen sheets or an aromatic room diffuser. “The brain is the biggest sex organ,” she says, “We need to feel that we're in a safe, secure environment to have good sex.” Grover adds that needing to be quiet can add a “frisson” to intimate moments, while erotic audiobooks and quiet sex toys can be useful for those wanting to engage in solo or partnered play without their parents hearing.
Inevitably, though, returning to the family home will be more complicated for some than others. Ashley, a 28-year-old woman who moved in with her mum in California earlier this year, told me that while her mum has “always been incredibly, incredibly accepting” of her sexuality, she recognizes that not all LGBTQ+ people have that relationship with their parent(s). “Center yourself first, what you're feeling,” she said. “You do what you need to do to make yourself feel loved and accepted but also safe.”
For some adults I spoke with, returning to their family home meant that they’d decided to take a break from dating, and in doing so, were able to tune into their own desires. “I found my own inner confidence,” said Siobhan, a 33-year old research assistant who moved in with her mum and stepdad in West Cork, Ireland, after a break-up last year. “The next time I go out dating, it's like: these are my non-negotiables. Take it, or leave it. I'm not going to sacrifice anything.”
On March 2nd, I left my parents house and moved into a flatshare south of the river. By then, the move felt bittersweet. Yes, there were times I’d felt like an overgrown baby, moping around the house in my John Lewis nightgown. But, for the first time in years, I’d been able to spend time with my family that didn’t feel rushed and confined to two-hour-long lunches or dinners. I was more intentional about where I wanted to put my energy—honing my calculation of what was worth doing and who was worth seeing when it would take me an hour to get there.
Chances are, you won’t live with your parents forever, so if you are able to, make the most of what financial circumstances may have made necessary: find joy and stillness in this temporary and precious time.
*Names have been changed.
