How to know if you're demisexual

Though exact numbers are hard to pin down, awareness of demisexuality is on the rise. In 2019, The Guardian reported that thousands of people in the UK were identifying as demisexual. Meanwhile, in the US, the 2019 Asexual Community Survey found that 9.5% of those on the asexual spectrum considered themselves demisexual. These numbers reflect a growing conversation about the diverse ways people experience attraction.

Demisexuality exists within the asexual spectrum and, like all orientations, is about personal experience rather than strict rules. Some demisexual individuals may be open to sex, while others may be neutral or uninterested in it. The key factor is that sexual attraction isn't immediate—it only develops after an emotional connection has been built.

If this resonates with you or you're curious to learn more, read on as we explore what demisexuality is, how it shows up in relationships, intimacy, and sex, and how to navigate dating as someone who identifies with the label or is interested in someone who does.

How do you know if you are demisexual?

Figuring out if you're demisexual isn't always straightforward. Since demisexuality is about how attraction happens rather than who you're attracted to, it often takes time to recognize. Many people come to this realization after noticing that their experiences with attraction don’t quite match those of the people around them.

It's also worth knowing that for some, this experience can shift over time. You might identify as demiflux, which means your connection to demisexuality can vary—sometimes feeling more or less strong. That can happen for all sorts of reasons, like changes in hormones, life events, or even past experiences like trauma. These kinds of shifts are totally normal, and they’re just one of many ways of being demisexual.

For instance, some people never feel an instant spark with someone they've just met. Instead, attraction develops only after forming a deep emotional bond. As Reddit user LostNotice shared in a thread on the subject, "I knew that I wasn't gay or bi but at the same time I found it impossible to understand or relate to a lot of my straight guy friends and family who would always be gawking at any attractive women they'd see out and about. I didn't have a word for it at the time but I'd just always think 'I don't get it, sure that girl looks nice (physically) but why are you so interested in her for no reason? You don't even know her??'"

Others realize their demisexuality through the kinds of romance stories that resonate with them. As MirrorMan22102018 reflected, "I realized why I was a fan of the 'Childhood Friend Romance' subgenre of romance, compared to any other kind of romance. It just 'made the most sense' to me, the idea of being in a relationship with the person you are the most familiar and comfortable with. Before that, I never understood the idea of wanting to date somebody purely for looks, within a day of meeting that person."

Demisexuality also isn't limited to any one sexual orientation. As KayyBeey explains, "I'm bisexual and demi. You can be both. I'm romantically attracted to both men and women and only feel sexual attraction when I'm in love."

If you're wondering whether you might be demisexual, reflecting on your experiences with attraction can be helpful. Try asking yourself these questions:

• Do I only feel sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond?
• Have I rarely (or never) felt instant sexual attraction to strangers or acquaintances?
• Does emotional intimacy feel more important than physical attraction in my relationships?
• How do I feel about casual hookups? Do they appeal to me, or do they feel uninteresting or uncomfortable?
• Thinking about past crushes or relationships—was I attracted to them from the start, or did it develop over time?
• When I imagine my ideal relationship, does it start with deep friendship and trust?

There's no definitive checklist for demisexuality, but if you find yourself nodding along to these questions, exploring the concept further may help things click into place.

Demisexual vs asexual: What’s the difference?

Demisexuality and asexuality are often mentioned together because they both exist on the asexual spectrum, but they're not the same. Asexual people generally don't experience sexual attraction—regardless of how emotionally close they are to someone. Demisexual people, on the other hand, can experience sexual attraction, but only after forming a deep emotional bond.

Think of it this way: a demisexual person might not feel sexually attracted to someone until they truly know them, while an asexual person might not experience sexual attraction at all. Asexuality itself exists on a spectrum—some asexual people may rarely feel attraction, while others might experience it but have little interest in acting on it. If you're curious to learn more about asexuality and dating, we've put together a guide here.

Because demisexuality involves a lack of immediate sexual attraction, it's considered part of the asexual spectrum. According to the 2014 AVEN Census, two-thirds of demisexual people report being uninterested in or even repulsed by sex, while others enjoy it. Demisexual people have a wide range of feelings about sex and sexual activities, like masturbating or watching porn, which is why demisexuality—like all orientations—is a deeply personal experience. The defining factor isn't whether someone enjoys sex but rather how and when they experience attraction.

That also means demisexual people might choose to have sex for many different reasons, whether that's to connect with a partner, explore intimacy, start a family, or just because they feel like it at the moment. Like all identities, demisexuality isn't a strict set of rules—it's about understanding what feels right for you.

Can you be demisexual and demiromantic?

Yes, and here's how it works.

Demisexuality and demiromanticism are two different but related identities. Demisexual people only feel sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional connection, while demiromantic people only develop romantic attraction under the same conditions. One refers to sexual attraction, the other to romantic attraction—but both require emotional bonds first.

In an interview with Glamour magazine, dating, sex, and relationship expert Annabelle Knight explains, "While demisexual people must feel a strong emotional connection in order to feel sexual attraction, folks who are demiromantic must feel a strong emotional connection in order to feel romantic attraction."

For many demisexual people, having a specific label helps them navigate relationships and understand their experiences, especially if they felt different growing up. Knight adds, "If someone didn't have similar feelings of sexual attraction or as much interest in sex as their friends, having a label that they can identify with not only provides a sense of belonging but also explains and validates their feelings."

In the same interview, therapist and counselor Danny Zane highlights the importance of identity and community: "People seeking community and belonging may find that their label will attract other, similar people. By defining their experiences, demisexuals can communicate their needs and boundaries more effectively in relationships, which can improve their emotional wellbeing and bring fulfillment."

Being demisexual, demiromantic, or both is about understanding your own needs and forming relationships that align with them. There's no one-size-fits-all approach.

How common is demisexuality?

The term "demisexual" was first coined in 2006 on the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) forums, but it wasn't until March 2022 that it was officially added to the Oxford Dictionary.

In recent years, demisexuality has gained visibility, particularly on social media. The demisexuality subreddit has over 101,000 members,, and there are more than 136,000 posts featuring #demisexual on TikTok. Despite this growing awareness, demisexuality remains underrepresented in both research and mainstream representation. While asexuality has been studied more extensively, there are fewer books or academic studies dedicated specifically to demisexuality. However, some valuable resources exist, such as All About Demisexuality by the Demisexuality Resource Center, which provides an in-depth exploration of the identity and its experiences, and Demisexuality: Deepening Romantic Connections, which highlights the role of emotional bonds in sexual attraction.

While academic research may be catching up, demisexuality is gaining recognition in pop culture. In 2024, singer Tulisa openly discussed identifying as demisexuall on I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, saying, "I feel like I'm demisexual, I need to have a really close emotional bond with someone. I need actual depth. I'm a slow, slow burner, I've been celibate for over three years." Her openness brought further awareness to the term, sparking conversations about what it means to experience attraction in this way.

However, not everyone sees demisexuality as a distinct identity. Bhavna Raithatha, an accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, told MailOnline, "Developing attraction to someone based on emotional connection has been around forever. Just because we've labelled it now doesn't make it a new thing."

Demisexuality shows up in fiction all the time—whether it’s named or not. Romantic novels often lean into "compulsory demisexuality," where the most meaningful relationships are the ones built on deep emotional connections. This idea, especially when tied to female characters, can shape how we think about attraction, making it seem like love and sex always have to go hand in hand.

But demisexuality isn’t just about preferring emotional connections, it’s about how someone experiences attraction at their core. As more people talk about it, it’s becoming clear that there’s no single way to experience attraction. 

How to tell if a demisexual likes you

It's totally normal to wonder if someone likes you, especially if you're developing feelings for them. But when it comes to demisexuality, attraction doesn't always follow the usual patterns. Unlike those who might feel immediate chemistry, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional connection.

That means reading into traditional flirting cues might not be the best approach. Just because someone isn't openly expressing interest or reacting to physical attraction the way you expect doesn't mean they aren't into you—it just means attraction works differently for them. Instead of focusing on signals that might not apply, the best thing you can do is build a genuine emotional connection and see where things naturally go.

That said, demisexual people may have their own ways of showing interest. Maybe they prioritize deep conversations with you over surface-level small talk. Maybe they go out of their way to make you feel safe and supported. Or maybe they just seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with you in a way that feels different from how they interact with others.

At the end of the day, the best way to know if a demisexual person likes you is to create a space where they feel comfortable expressing their feelings on their own terms. 

How to date as a demisexual

Figure out what works for you

Before jumping into dating, take a step back and think about what you actually want. Do you need a strong friendship first? Do slow-burn connections feel better than the fast-paced world of dating apps? Understanding what works for you will make dating feel more natural and less frustrating.

Look for connection-first spaces

If swiping through endless profiles and relying on instant chemistry doesn’t feel right, you’re not alone. Try spaces that encourage deeper connections, like Feeld, or step outside of dating apps altogether. Join book clubs, hobby groups, or online communities where real conversations happen naturally.

Be honest about what you need

You don’t have to spill everything about being demisexual on the first date, but a little honesty can help avoid misunderstandings later. You could say something like, "Attraction builds over time for me. I don’t feel chemistry right away, but I love forming deep connections and seeing where they go." This keeps things clear while staying open and positive.

Take the time to build your bond

Since emotional connection is key, focus on doing things that will bring you closer:

• Play deep question games that spark meaningful conversations about love, values, and life.
• Take a personality test together (like Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram) and chat about how your results shape your views on relationships.
• Make a shared playlist of songs that remind you of each other or capture your moods.
• Write letters to each other—funny, heartfelt, or reflective. Sometimes, writing things down makes emotions even clearer.

Check in with yourself and your partner

Demisexuality exists on a spectrum—some demisexuals eventually feel sexual attraction, while others don’t. The key is communication. You might say, "I need to feel emotionally close before I know how I feel about physical intimacy. Can we take our time and check in with each other along the way?" Honest conversations help make sure both of you feel respected and comfortable.

How to date someone who is demisexual

Broaden your understanding

There are many misconceptions about demisexuality, but the key takeaway is that attraction isn't immediate—it develops over time with emotional closeness. This doesn't mean a demisexual person will never want sex; rather, it's about when and how attraction forms.

So, first things first: do your research. Check out resources like AVEN, the Trevor Project, and GLAAD to get a better understanding of demisexuality and the breadth of identities and sexualities that exist in general (more knowledge is always a good thing!). Then, talk to your (prospective) partner about where they fall on the spectrum and what intimacy looks like for them

Discuss boundaries—and respect them

As with any relationship, communication about needs and boundaries is essential. If you're dating a demisexual person, be clear about what you both want from the relationship early on. But remember that boundaries can evolve over time. Take it nice and slow. A demisexual person may be okay with some things at first, but others might take longer—or never happen at all.

If your needs are too different, it's okay to acknowledge that you might not be the right match. But what's never okay is pushing a demisexual person's boundaries or expecting them to change for you.

Find your compromises

Even if you experience sexual attraction differently from your partner, there are plenty of ways to create a fulfilling relationship. Maybe sex is something that happens after a deep emotional connection, or maybe intimacy takes other forms—like deep conversations, affectionate touch, or shared experiences.

Whether it's focusing on emotional closeness, exploring physical affection like cuddling and kissing, or enjoying non-sexual expressions of love, there's a joyful middle ground to be found. Talk openly with your partner to discover what works best for both of you.

Try not to take it personally

Some people feel hurt or insecure if a partner doesn't experience instant sexual attraction toward them. But if your partner is demisexual, understand that it's not about you—it's just how their attraction works.

A demisexual person can be incredibly drawn to you emotionally, romantically, and intimately, even if they don't feel sexual attraction right away. Attraction looks different for everyone, and that doesn't make it any less meaningful.

Figuring out if you’re demisexual is a personal thing. By now, we all know that there’s no checklist, no right or wrong way to experience attraction. If you find that emotional connections are a big part of if, how, and when you're attracted to somebody then you might identify as demisexual.

If you're still exploring your sexuality or have questions about being demisexual, take your time and explore your feelings. There’s no rush to put a label on yourself. What matters is that you feel understood and supported. After all, dating should be fun for everyone involved. If you're ready to connect with others who get it, or who are down to find out more, why not join the conversation on Feeld?