For much of recent history, society has treated gender as a fixed binary. At birth, people were (mostly) labelled as either a man or a woman. That label was assumed to be natural, obvious, and unchanging. And, crucially, it came with certain roles, expectations, and limits on who you were allowed to be.
Except, this framework has never fit everyone. Many trans people have known internally that they were one gender, despite being labelled as another. Across cultures and throughout time, mixed, non-binary, and additional genders have existed, too: from the Native American Two-Spirits and Hindu hijras to the Zapotec muxes of Oaxaca, Mexico.
Put simply, gender identity can be thought of as “your own personal sense of what your gender is,” as defined by The Trevor Project. And that identity might shift and change over time. But, ultimately, the only one who actually knows is you.
If you're on your self-discovery journey, we’re waiting for you on Feeld. Join us to connect with like-minded people, and to explore which labels feel right, with over 20 gender identities to choose from.
What is gender identity?
Sex vs gender
Unlike biological sex, which refers to our genitals, organs, and chromosomes, gender has historically meant the social roles and behaviors tied to being a man or woman (when restricted to thinking of gender in binary terms). It’s a set of expectations society projects onto us—about how we should look, act, and move through the world.
However, for some people, a sense of gender can feel natural and intuitive. As legendary philosopher and gender studies scholar Judith Butler frames it, gender isn’t just projected onto us; but it’s also not wholly innate, either.
“Perhaps we should think of gender as something that is imposed at birth, through sex assignment and all the cultural assumptions that usually go along with that,” Butler tells the Guardian. “Yet gender is also what is made along the way—we can take over the power of assignment, make it into self-assignment.”
Gender identity
When we talk about gender identity, it’s about how we see ourselves. That personal sense of feeling or knowing that you identify with one gender, multiple, or neither. For some people, their gender identity will be the same as the gender they were assigned at birth. But for plenty, it’s a different one.
As of 2022, around 2% of US adults under 30 identified as trans, and 3% as non-binary. Within that non-binary umbrella, folks might be bigender (where you identify with two genders), pangender (where you identify as a multitude of genders), genderfluid (where you fluctuate between genders), or agender (where you don’t identify with any gender).
It’s worth noting that gender identity is related to, but not the same as, gender expression, which is how you present yourself to the world through things like clothing, hair, and behavior.
You can discover more about expansive genders in our guide to non-binary identities, and learn about gender terminology with the Feeld glossary.
Common feelings when questioning your gender
Ask many people, “what gender do you identify with?” and it will be an easy answer for them. A lot of cis people might have never considered that they could be anything other than the gender they were assigned at birth. But if it’s complicated for you, you’re not alone.
“For those in the midst of questioning, there’s often a painful disconnect between how others perceive and treat them, and how they wish to be seen and affirmed,” says sex and relationship therapist Nikita Fernandes. “They may become acutely aware of the unspoken social scripts tied to their assigned gender and feel intense pressure to follow them, even when doing so feels inauthentic or distressing.”
Some other experiences might include feeling uncomfortable with “gendered” parts of your body, or feeling more “yourself” when imagining or presenting as another gender(s). But, as Fernandes points out, people’s journeys can vary significantly. There’s no one way for it to look.
For some people, what starts as questioning their gender can develop into gender dysphoria—a more intense emotional distress at the mismatch between your assigned gender versus how you feel.
But, for others, it might look more like gender euphoria: finding joy and relief in affirming a self that feels more like you.
If you feel confused or uncertain, that’s OK. There’s no single path, timeline, or deadline here. And any progress you make doesn’t have to be fixed or permanent, either. “Like sexuality, gender exists on a spectrum and can shift over time,” says Fernandes. “We owe it to ourselves to remain curious and open, allowing space for exploration and change.”
At what age do people typically know their gender?
There’s no simple answer here. As Fernandes puts it, “You're never too old—or too young—to explore your gender identity.”
It’s true that a lot of people may know their gender early on. Generally, children have a grasp of their assigned gender by age 3, and will become well acquainted with gender roles, and where they’re “supposed” to fit into them, by age 5-6.
A 2020 study of trans adults pursuing gender-affirming surgery found that 78% had experienced symptoms of gender dysphoria by age 7 (going on to live with it, unaddressed, for an average of 20 years).
But it’s crucial to note that research on this topic is very limited, and by no means accounts for the spectrum of valid experiences. Anecdotally, there’s a wealth of stories from trans and non-binary people about realizing much later in life.
“It hit me when I was in my mid 40s,” says one Reddit user. “The signs were there. Of course they were. It's just that nobody was looking for them, so they all got interpreted as something else.”
“I was around 50,” says another user. “I had no signs that I recognized as dysphoria when I was younger. Of course now looking back through the lens of my transition I see that there actually [were] a lot… So there's no right or wrong amount.”
“Many older individuals may not have had access to the language, resources, or supportive environments that exist today,” explains Fernandes. “It’s entirely valid that, with greater visibility and community support now available, people of all ages are choosing to engage with their gender identity in new ways.”
The most important thing is to go at your own pace—and know that your timeline is valid.
How to figure out your gender identity
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “What’s my gender?”—the first step is recognizing that feeling. You don’t have to do anything right away. But when you’re ready, there are plenty of active ways to explore it.
With some help from Fernandes, here are a few to get you started.
Learn from trusted voices and organizations
“I strongly encourage anyone who is questioning their gender to seek out LGBTQ+ resources,” emphasizes Fernandes, “both within their local communities and online.”
Start with guidance from organizations like The Trevor Project, Planned Parenthood, PFLAG, Advocates for Youth, Human Rights Campaign and Mental Health America.
If you’re struggling, know that support is available, and you’re not alone—US-based support hotlines include TransLifeline, the LGBT National Hotline and The Trevor Project hotline. If you’re not in the US, search for similar services local to you, or try an international directory like Find a Helpline.
Lean on the queer community
“Many people navigating gender identity and potential transitions experience intense fear and anxiety, especially when they haven’t seen others go through similar journeys,” says Fernandes. “Having access to the stories and experiences of others can be deeply validating.”
If you don’t have any trans, non-binary, or gender expansive people in your life you can talk to, see if your school or local community center has an LGBTQ+ support group where you can meet others who’ve questioned their gender.
You might also want to explore online communities such as Trevorspace, Reddit, Transgender Pulse, or Facebook groups to connect with people going through a similar journey.
Explore how you’d most like to express your gender
“Trying out different forms of self-expression can be an important part of discovering what feels most true and affirming,” says Fernandes.
Again, it’s OK if you’re just imagining at this point, and it’s important to do whatever feels safest. But you might want to think about different pronouns, names, clothing, makeup, or body language. Maybe a more masculine vibe feels good to you. Maybe it’s more feminine. Maybe it’s a mixture, more androgynous—or something altogether different.
Consider a therapist
“Working with a queer-affirming therapist can be incredibly helpful in creating a supportive space to explore identity without judgment,” says Fernandes.
Queer-friendly therapy providers in the US include The Expansive Group, The Healing Exchange, and the Gay Therapy Center. Fernandes runs her own practice from New York City.
To find the best fit local to you, explore broader directories like The National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network, The Association of LGBTQ+ Psychiatrists, or Psychology Today.
If you’re outside of the US, search therapist directories in your country, such as the BACP in the UK or the CCPA in Canada.
When using any general directory, adjust the filter settings to find someone specializing in gender or LGBTQ+ issues.
Self-reflect through journaling
As you navigate your gender identity journey, journaling can be a great tool to help you make sense of your feelings.
Try reflecting on moments when you’ve felt aligned or misaligned with your gender. What roles or expectations have made you comfortable or uncomfortable? Are there parts of your body that make you feel good or bad? When do you feel most like yourself?
Supporting a loved one on the journey
If someone you care about is exploring their gender identity, your support can make a huge difference. You don’t need to be an expert—just curious, compassionate, and open-minded.
Do some reading
Take a moment to learn about gender diversity using the resources above. And remember, even if you don’t immediately understand someone’s experiences, it doesn't mean they’re not valid.
Ask thoughtful questions (without pressuring them for answers)
Showing curiosity about, and interest in, someone’s journey can help them process and understand their own feelings a bit better. One great—and really simple—question is, “How can I best support you right now?”
If they ask you to try out new pronouns or names for them, make the effort
If you slip up, just correct yourself and make a mental note for next time.
Avoid assumptions—and allow for flexibility
Not everyone’s gender journey looks the same. Some people may want to change their name, pronouns, appearance, or none of the above. Some people may want to explore different gender expressions, without “committing” yet. Let them lead.
Ultimately, it’s just about affirming your loved one’s right to exist as themselves, wherever that leads, and however long it takes.
There’s no single path to knowing your gender, and no “right” timeline to do it in. It’s a uniquely personal journey—sometimes straightforward; sometimes really not.
So, stay curious, keep learning and exploring, and know that there are communities, professionals, and resources out there to support you and keep you safe as you do.
After all, as Fernandes says: “Everyone deserves the opportunity to be seen, affirmed, and celebrated as their most authentic self—at any stage of life.”
Want to explore connections with people who just get it? Feeld welcomes all gender identities—and everyone who’s still figuring it out.
