Holding Out For a Slow Burn

When asked whether they’re able to meet their sexual and romantic needs through real-life connections, 80% of our participants reported that it’s difficult to do so. 

Building upon this, we also asked participants to rate the extent to which they agreed with the statement “modern dating often feels like it’s missing something.” Overall, 73% said they either somewhat or strongly agreed. Just 6% disagreed, with the remainder expressing ambivalence (20%). 
These results highlight a hard truth about modern dating: something crucial seems to be missing, and meaningful connections are elusive. 

When asked what specifically was missing from dating today, the majority (58%) pointed to a lack of authenticity and clear intentions as the biggest missing piece. Authenticity and clear intentions are two sides of the same coin. Authenticity is about being able to be your true self, while clear intentions are about being transparent about one’s motivations and desires. 

This sentiment was reinforced by participants’ open-ended responses to the question of how to fix modern dating. A clear pattern emerged: honesty and vulnerability were core to establishing a meaningful connection. These sentiments spanned demographics. Regardless of gender, age, and sexuality, strikingly similar themes emerged. In the words of some of our respondents, they said they wished that daters today would be:

What all of this suggests is that modern dating has an ambiguity problem: all too often, we feel uncertain about not just who we’re dating, but what they want from us, too. And that may be a reflection of the shift to connecting largely online, which has engineered out some of the cues that make a connection feel real. Conveyor belt dating and swipe culture encourage us to make rapid judgments based on appearance, leaving intentions and authenticity much harder to discern.

Interestingly, while the feeling that something is missing from modern dating was common across sexualities, we found that heterosexual adults were more likely to agree with this idea than LGBTQ+ folks. We can’t say for sure why that is, but it may be because the ambiguity problem is amplified for them. Gendered scripts around heterosexual dating have changed in recent years, but that has raised questions around who initiates and pays for dates, as well as what’s acceptable when it comes to conveying your interest in someone else. Because they’re less reliant on gendered scripts, LGBTQ+ persons may be more accustomed to communicating their intentions and expectations. 

Dating culture has historically placed a lot of emphasis on first impressions and an immediate spark or chemistry. But for most adults, attraction isn’t instantaneous; rather, it grows, develops, and builds over time. 
In fact, just 13% (about 1 in 8) of adults we surveyed said that attraction is something that develops instantly. In addition, the vast majority (86%) agreed with the statement that “attraction typically becomes stronger when two people create a shared story together through conversations, experiences, and future plans.”

This idea is consistent with what we’ve learned from the broader scientific literature on how romantic attraction forms. For example, as relationship scientist Dr. Paul Eastwick has observed based on extensive research, “Very commonly people’s impressions start near rock bottom and grow to be something meaningful eventually.” While an immediate spark may feel exciting, its absence doesn’t necessarily mean that attraction or deep connection won’t develop. Social psychological research finds that repeated interactions tend to facilitate attraction, which suggests that how we feel about someone upon first contact may not tell us how we’ll feel once we have a chance to actually get to know them (Reis et al., 2011). 

In today’s dating landscape, initial chemistry is no longer enough. The spark has to deepen as we get to know someone, and that requires authenticity. Chemistry can only grow into something real when we show someone who we really are. 

Authenticity creates opportunities for genuine discovery about someone else. It’s the process of unraveling the mystery of who that person is. That process of discovery is a big part of what makes a new connection so tantalizing—and neuroscience can help to explain why.

When someone surprises you because it turns out they were funnier than you expected, they secretly share the same guilty pleasure as you, or they made an unexpectedly intimate disclosure, that can trigger a neural response known as a positive prediction error. In simple terms, we experienced something that was even better than our brain was expecting (Schultz, 2016). That surprise can trigger a burst of dopamine that not only feels good, but leads us to want more. 

Authenticity creates the conditions for the slow drip of discovery that fundamentally fuels attraction. When we’re consistently surprised by someone (in a good way) as we get to know them, that only increases our motivation to keep spending time together. 

That’s part of what being authentic means: letting others see our imperfections. Dating inevitably involves occasionally saying or doing the “wrong” thing, but that doesn’t necessarily have to kill the attraction. Sometimes those moments of imperfection are the things that finally allow another person to see the real you.

Although people largely say they want authentic connections and to know their partners on a deeply personal level, there’s an interesting paradox: this desire for authenticity co-exists with the era of “looksmaxing” where so much focus and emphasis is placed on optimizing one’s appearance. But the pressure to appear perfect extends far beyond this. The rise of the “Instagram face” has been linked to a flattening of diverse human features toward a common aesthetic ideal, while dating profiles can now be optimized through professional photography, photo ranking and testing, and even AI tools that select our most appealing images.

All of this may help to explain why authenticity has become so desirable in the first place: in a dating culture where enormous pressure exists to present the ideal version of yourself, authenticity has become a rare commodity.

While fantasy has always been an important outlet for sexual and romantic expression, in a world where meaningful connection has become a scarcity, fantasy appears to have become all the more vital to our well-being. In fact, in our survey, 9 out of 10 adults (90%) said that fantasy plays a central role in their intimate lives.

A sexual fantasy is a mental thought or picture that turns you on. Previous Kinsey Institute research has found that nearly everyone (97–98%) reports having fantasies, making them a near-universal aspect of human sexuality (Lehmiller, 2018). This research also revealed that most people are fantasizing pretty often, with 52% of adults saying that they fantasize at least once a day or nearly every day. 

Fantasizing is normal and healthy, and it can serve a number of different functions and purposes in our lives. So what role(s) is fantasy taking on for people today? According to our respondents:

Further highlighting the importance of fantasy, daydreaming was amongst the top outlets that both men and women reported turning to when real-world intimacy needs were not being met.

While fantasy often serves as a way of fulfilling unmet needs, this isn’t to say that fantasy is becoming a substitute for real-life intimacy or that it’s somehow a threat to our ability to connect. Rather, it just appears that we lean more on fantasy when connection is otherwise difficult.

According to Kinsey Institute research, a distinct rise in romance fantasies occurred during the COVID-19 pandemic. In a survey of 1,559 adults conducted in the early days of the pandemic, 39.6% of participants said they fantasized about romance every single day, compared to 28.8% who said the same prior to the pandemic (Lehmiller, 2026). 

In that survey, many people described their fantasies as being less about sex and more about connection. For example, in the words of one participant: “I quite often fantasize simply about touching or kissing my partner now, whereas before the fantasies would have been much more explicit.”

While the pandemic has receded from our cultural consciousness, its effects linger—and one of them is that romance has moved to center stage in our fantasies. Kinsey Institute surveys from the past few years consistently show a higher prevalence of passion and romance fantasies across gender compared to pre-COVID times.

In fact, passion, intimacy, and romance are now the most commonly reported themes in people’s fantasies. And in some surveys, men report fantasizing about these themes even more than women. In a 2024 Kinsey Institute survey that involved a demographically representative sample of 1,504 US adults, 79.7% of men and 73.4% of women reported fantasizing about romance.
 
This pattern suggests that our need for emotional connection was heightened during the pandemic and started playing an even more central role in our fantasies in a way that has carried through to the present.

Another key factor that may be contributing to the rise of romance fantasies is the growing loneliness epidemic. According to recent data from the CDC, 32.1% of adults reported loneliness, with the number rising to 43.3% among young adults ages 18–34 (Bruss, Seth, & Zhao, 2024). 

All of this may be fueling a rise in fantasy—and, in particular, fantasies about connection. 

Popular media narratives suggest that, for young adults, porn has become a substitute for intimacy. In our survey, however, we found that nearly 60% of Gen Z men and more than 70% of Gen Z women reported that they do not turn to porn when real-world intimacy feels difficult. 

Part of the reason these numbers are so high may be because a growing number of young people aren’t even watching porn.

In a Kinsey Institute survey conducted in the mid-2010s, just 1.2% of men and 7.5% of women ages 18-29 reported that they never watch porn. However, in a 2026 Kinsey survey conducted in conjunction with Playboy and Julie Care, 34% of young men and 53% of young women said porn is something they never watch.

So why might Gen Z be consuming less porn than generations past? There are several plausible explanations:

Popular media narratives about Gen Z paint this generation as one that has been raised on porn, that they’re watching it non-stop in their “goon caves,” and that porn is the reason young adults are having less sex and fewer romantic relationships. However, porn use appears to be less ubiquitous in this generation than previously assumed, and it’s not their default when connection is challenging. 

In our survey, 81% of respondents reported that digital intimacy (i.e., obtaining closeness and vulnerability via digital communication) plays at least some meaningful role in their intimate lives, a figure that was relatively consistent across genders and generations. And some appear to have become reliant on such technology in order to connect. In fact, 1 in 6 participants said that digital intimacy is the primary way they explore intimacy today.

When asked what they do when real-world intimacy feels challenging, 1 in 3 adults said they turn to digital flirting or messaging, and about 1 in 10 said they turn to AI companions.

Many participants agreed that digital intimacy can help in building connections (41%), filling real-world gaps (37%), exploring desires and vulnerability (30%), and enhancing real-world relationships (29%).  

As we spend more of our lives in virtual worlds, we’re finding new ways to connect through technology, whether that’s sharing personal information over text or social media, sexting, video calling, or turning to AI. And while there is a lot of fear and concern around this, it’s worth highlighting that many people are finding that these digital tools are helpful enhancements to their real-world relationships, not replacements for intimacy.

One of the reasons so few people report that attraction develops instantly may be because singles today are asking more and more of their partners. They want someone who checks all the boxes, and that’s not something you can figure out at first glance. 

In our survey, 90% of respondents reported that looks, sense of humor, emotional openness, shared values, and intellectual connection were all at least somewhat important in developing attraction. Of these traits, only physical attraction can be assessed instantly. Most of the other qualities that daters value can only reveal themselves over time. 

This points to another struggle with modern dating: the bar for compatibility seems to be higher than ever, which can make finding someone who meets all of your standards difficult. Simply being attractive isn’t enough. We also want partners we can connect with on emotional and intellectual levels.

The high level of importance that singles today are placing on traits like authenticity, vulnerability, and emotional availability may be due, in part, to a shift in romantic media portrayals emphasizing these ideals. It turns out that a surprising number of adults connect their desires directly to romance media.

In our survey, a majority (56%) of participants reported that their ideas about relationships and connection have been shaped by romantic films and television shows, romance and fantasy novels, and even fan fiction. Gen Z (64%) in particular reported being influenced by this form of media, even more so than older generations (53%).

And while the common stereotype is that romance media is made for women, it has surprisingly popular appeal to men, too, especially younger guys. Nearly 2 in 3 Gen Z men (59%) reported that romance media had shaped their desires, a number that’s on a par with that of older women, who have long been the core audience. 

On the one hand, this might be setting healthier expectations for relationships by putting more priority on traits that can facilitate authentic connection. Being open about your feelings, attentive to your partner’s needs, and willing to work on yourself are all things that may help lay the groundwork for healthier relationships.

At the same time, however, we have to recognize that what we’re seeing is a Hollywood fantasy. And if we start comparing our real-life partners to the “perfect” or idealized partners we’re seeing on-screen, we might be creating unrealistic expectations. 

Likewise, romantic media may sometimes create pressure to demonstrate emotional vulnerability if that’s what we come to think other people want. For some, it may lead to performative authenticity, where we’re not really being ourselves, but rather displaying the qualities we think we’re supposed to.

What makes sex and dating exciting today? Anticipation. In our survey, we found that for 8 in 10 adults, having anticipation and buildup is crucial to erotic excitement. Waiting is part of the reward. In addition, 86% said that attraction gets stronger when two people build a shared story together.

The high level of importance attached to anticipation may reflect increasing recognition and understanding of responsive desire (Basson, 2000). For many people, desire isn’t something that just pops out of nowhere—it needs space to grow. However, it may also be a product of the time we’re living in, where levels of stress and anxiety are running high amid the lingering effects of COVID, rising political turmoil, and growing economic uncertainty. It’s not easy to switch those feelings off instantaneously and suddenly be in the mood for sex. Meanwhile, hookup culture has receded, particularly among young adults, which may be creating more space for alternative models of intimacy. Against this backdrop, the appeal of the slow burn makes sense: it gives desire and attraction time to build. 

Popular culture seems to be reflecting our appetite for anticipation. Rather than reinforcing ideals of love at first sight and spontaneous passion, some of today’s most popular romantic stories center yearning, sexual tension, and the slow burn. This brand of intimacy has become a central theme of some of the most culturally significant, books, films, and television shows of the last few years:  

At a time when dating and real-world connection feels increasingly difficult, romantic media is booming, perhaps because it depicts precisely the kind of intimacy that so many of us find to be missing in our lives. These stories offer anticipation, emotional intimacy, and connections that gradually build through genuinely getting to know someone else—all of which are the exact things people today say they want in dating. 

At the same time, romantasy media may also offer an escape from the gendered roles, expectations, and pressures that often accompany heterosexual sex. For example, Heated Rivalry's mass appeal to women may reside in the fact that it's a romance that takes place between two men. Research on women who consume gay male porn suggests that many are drawn to it precisely because it allows them to focus on pleasure without mentally placing themselves in the scene (Neville, 2015). Heated Rivalry may offer women freedom to become immersed in sexual tension and intimacy without having to identify with a female character.

Popular media isn’t just an outlet for escape and tapping into unmet needs, though. It also helps shape our fantasies themselves. In a 2018 Kinsey Institute survey of 4,175 adults, nearly one-third of participants (29%) directly connected their favorite sexual fantasy of all time to something they saw in the media (Lehmiller, 2018). 

However, it’s worth noting that romance media also serves another important purpose: consuming it with a partner often creates the space in which vulnerability can happen. When we asked our participants to describe their most intimate (but non-sexual) memory, many of them specifically pointed to watching movies or shows with a partner as a way of building intimacy. For example, one Gen Z male participant described his most intimate moment as: “Watching TV and crying in my partner’s arm because the episode struck chords I was feeling because of a recent familial loss.”

Some of the other most intimate moments described by participants included:

Romance media has historically been associated with women. Today, however, the audience is more diverse than ever, and it appears that a growing number of men are turning toward it.

In a Kinsey Institute survey conducted prior to the COVID pandemic, 6% of men and 12% of women reported that romantic/erotic novels had shaped their sexual fantasies (Lehmiller, 2018). In other words, women were twice as likely as men to turn to romantic media as a form of erotic inspiration.

Flashing forward to the present, our recent data indicate that 42% of respondents said that romance novels, erotic fiction, and fan fiction had shaped their desires. Broken down by gender, the numbers were 37% for men and 48% for women. 

These findings suggest that interest in romantasy is on the rise overall, but that the gender gap has narrowed considerably. Today, it seems that similar numbers of men and women are taking erotic inspiration from romance media.

And young men in particular seem to be turning toward it. For example, among Gen Z men in our survey, 41% said that romantic media had shaped their desires, compared to 36% for older generations of men.

While men and women today report similar rates of loneliness, CDC data indicate that men are more likely to report a lack of social and emotional support than women (Bruss, Seth, & Zhao, 2024).

For men, sexual and romantic relationships are often the primary way that they experience emotional connection. Research has long found that men’s social networks typically don’t match the same level of emotional intimacy as women’s, leading men to rely more heavily on romantic partners to meet their needs for vulnerability, closeness, and emotional support. The absence of a romantic relationship may therefore be particularly consequential for men in terms of feeling any type of intimate connection in the world.

With singlehood on the rise and a “sex recession” taking hold, the primary source of intimate connection has fallen away for many men, which may be leading some of them to gravitate more to romantic media. For men who feel they have few other outlets for exploring their feelings, romance stories may offer a safe way to experience a kind of intimacy they aren’t getting elsewhere. 

At the same time, the stigma around men consuming romantic media may be lessening, opening the door to more exploration. In earlier times when romance media was associated with femininity and men who explored it faced questions about their sexuality, there was more pressure on men to distance themselves from it. But as romance has gone mainstream and has become available in formats that reach broader audiences, things are changing.  For instance, during the height of Heated Rivalry’s popularity, social media was flooded with videos of straight men watching the show, sometimes alone and sometimes with a partner. And while some of those videos centered humor and shocked reactions, for the most part, the viewers were into it. Many romance stories today are also packaged alongside complex fantasy worlds (e.g., A Court of Thorns and Roses), sports (e.g., Heated Rivalry), and historical adventures (e.g., Outlander), which may provide men with an easier entry point to the genre. 

However, it could also be that women are introducing romantasy to men. Men may be getting exposed to romance stories that they wouldn’t necessarily have chosen on their own and, in the process, discovering they enjoy it. 

Yet another possibility is that romance media is doing something for men that porn isn’t: it gives them permission to fantasize about being desired. These stories are about so much more than just sex. They’re also about being wanted, being understood, and truly being seen. In a time when men feel increasingly disconnected both socially and emotionally, that may make this form of media uniquely appealing. 

While men and women seem to have become increasingly similar in terms of fantasizing more about romance, what “romance” means to men and women appears to differ.

In our survey, men were more likely to associate romance with physical affection and touch, whereas women were more likely to associate it with emotional openness and vulnerability.

Also, men’s most memorable sexual experiences overlapped with their most memorable romantic experiences more than women’s did. For men, sex and romance seem to be more deeply intertwined.
This means that while both men and women increasingly seem to want the same thing—romance—what men mean when they say they want romance might be qualitatively different compared to women.

However, while “romance” may mean different things to men and women, intimacy is another story. When asked to describe their most intimate non-sexual moment, men and women largely pointed to stories of true vulnerability. In the words of some of our participants, intimacy means:

Gen Z men may be more frustrated with modern dating than anyone else. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve given up on romance or relationships. In fact, as we’ll see shortly, there are some signs that young men may actually be a generation of hopeless romantics, seeking authentic connections that feel like they’re leading somewhere meaningful. 

We began this report by asking what’s missing from modern dating. When we explored participants’ responses to this question separately by generation and gender, we found that Gen Z men stood out as the group most likely to feel something is lacking in dating today.

Overall, 49% of Gen Z men strongly agreed that dating is missing something, a figure that was higher than any other demographic group. Specifically, Gen Z men were 26% more likely to agree compared to older men. They were also 23% more likely to agree than Gen Z women.

Interestingly, when asked to identify what exactly is missing from dating, Gen Z men largely pointed to the same reasons as everyone else, with a lack of authenticity and clear intentions topping the list. However, one difference that did emerge was that Gen Z men were the most likely to say that modern dating is too transactional, with more than 1 in 3 (37%) pointing to this as the biggest problem. 

This suggests that, while we largely seem to be aligned in terms of what’s wrong with dating, the issues appear to be magnified for young men. 

In a 2025 Kinsey Institute survey of single American adults featuring a demographically representative sample, 44% of adult men under the age of 30 classified themselves as virgins, indicating that they had never engaged in any partnered sexual activity, including intercourse, oral sex, and mutual masturbation (Lehmiller, 2025). In addition, 24% classified themselves as involuntarily celibate, meaning they would like to be having sex but cannot find a partner. 

These results highlight an important reality for young men today: a large number of them simply aren’t very experienced with intimacy, and that can pose an issue when it comes to making new connections. Less experience means they’ve had fewer opportunities to build confidence and communication skills. 
However, experience level likely isn’t the only factor playing a role here. Other potential explanations for Gen Z men’s struggles with dating include:

Coming of age while the rules of dating were redefined. Most of Gen Z’s dating lives have taken place in the wake of the #MeToo movement, which shone a light on issues relating to power and consent. This movement prompted a lot of important and much-needed change, but it also increased men’s “approach anxiety” (Manning, Sheffield, & Deshpande, 2026). Many young men feel worried about making the first move or feel unsure how to express their interest in someone else without coming across as a creep.  

Navigating dating with advice delivered by social media algorithms. In the past, the way we learned about dating was through experience, friends, and family. For young people today, however, it’s increasingly coming through algorithms. Gen Z men who are active on social media are likely to see content related to everything from looksmaxxing, the manosphere, and red-pill communities, which can provide an entry point into misleading ideas about what is supposedly “wrong” with them and what women want (Fisher et al., 2026). This may be fueling a perception that dating is more about competition than it is about connection and that it’s all about looks. In our survey, Gen Z men (38%) were twice as likely as Gen Z women (19%) to say that physical attraction alone is enough to feel interested in someone else.

What makes a man “datable” feels harder to attain. In previous generations, some of the traits that made men desirable were having a college degree, a stable job, a solid income, and their own home. However, Gen Z is an economically stressed generation, with surveys finding that 67% of young adults feel “consumed” by financial worries (Medaris, 2023)—a figure higher than any other generation. This feeling may be particularly acute for Gen Z men, who are lagging behind in obtaining degrees, have reduced labor force participation, and are living at home with their parents longer than before. To the extent that young men perceive economic stability as key to their attractiveness, that poses a hurdle to dating. Economic insecurity can also make the prospect of going on a date prohibitively expensive. 

While all of this may point to a bleak portrait for young men, there are also some signs that the pendulum may be swinging. 

First, despite what the contemporary gender wars discourse asserts, Gen Z men want more intimacy than the stereotypes suggest. Young men value anticipation, the slow build, and emotional connection at rates quite similar to young women. In fact, 90% of Gen Z men (versus 85% of Gen Z women) somewhat or strongly agreed with the idea that attraction becomes stronger when two people create a shared story together through conversations, experiences, and future plans. This suggests that young men and women may have more common ground than might be assumed.

Second, dating scripts are being rewritten in ways that are less rigid. And while that has led to a period of uncertainty, it’s also creating opportunity. As the new rules of dating continue to evolve, they’re moving in the direction of offering the flexibility to co-create relationships built around what each person wants instead of strict adherence to socially prescribed gender roles. 

Finally, as the data we’ve highlighted in this report suggests, young people aren’t turning to porn as their default tool for intimacy struggles. That in and of itself is promising because we know that mainstream porn can provide inaccurate ideas about what sex and intimacy are “supposed” to look like. At the same time, a majority of young men in our survey (59%) said that their ideas about what real connection looks like are being shaped by romance media, which centers vulnerability, emotional connection, and the slow burn. Rather than this being a sign that young men have given up on relationships, perhaps it reflects their desire for richer forms of intimacy.

In a world where every aspect of dating is increasingly optimized, it hasn’t necessarily become easier to find what we’re actually looking for. The things we seem to value most–including authenticity, clear intentions, emotional intimacy, and vulnerability–can’t be easily optimized. This suggests that maybe what we really need isn’t more dating tools; rather, it’s intentionally creating opportunities that allow people to show up authentically, communicate their desires, and truly get to know one another. 

Our findings also challenge the popular notion that instantaneous attraction is the norm. Anticipation, build-up, and developing a shared story seem to be crucial for erotic excitement and true intimacy. The broader cultural embrace of the “slow burn,” then, may represent something far more significant than a trend in the world of entertainment. Perhaps it reflects a growing recognition that desire needs space to grow and that waiting can actually be part of the reward. In a dating culture that seems built around rapid evaluation, we might do well to slow down and acknowledge that we won’t always recognize “the one” immediately. Sometimes, attraction and desire need time to reveal themselves.

The rise of romance media also tells us something about what people today really want from relationships. One of the core functions of fantasy is to allow an opportunity to explore what’s missing from our lives (Lehmiller, 2018). So at a time when developing meaningful connections feels more elusive than ever, it makes sense that romance would become more central to our fantasy lives. And rather than dismissing these fantasies as escapism or looking at them as a replacement for real-world intimacy, perhaps we should view them as helpful sources of information about what we want and need more of in our lives. 

The increasing appeal of romance media to men is also quite revealing. Wanting to be truly seen, feeling desired, and being intimately connected are not unique to any one gender. Historically, media that spoke to these needs was rarely geared toward men, but that seems to be changing. Expanding the types of stories that men feel permission to engage with may not just provide new outlets for emotional expression, but also help men connect more with their desires in ways that may very well enhance their intimate lives.

Our findings also highlight some of the unique struggles that young adults (and, in particular, young men) are encountering when it comes to establishing romantic connections. But their dissatisfaction with the current state of dating doesn’t mean they’ve completely lost interest or have given up hope. New challenges also represent new opportunities. And Gen Z’s growing interest in romance media coupled with rising disaffection for porn suggests that they may be searching for new ways to find the kinds of connection that seem to be missing from their lives.

Seen this way, the cultural embrace of slow-burn romance may be more than a reaction to what dating lacks. It may be part of the solution: creating space for anticipation, vulnerability, and desire to develop over time. In a culture optimized for speed, we may already be rediscovering a different way of connecting.

What’s missing from dating now might be a harbinger of what’s to come. Daters today want more authenticity, vulnerability, clear communication, and space for desire to unfold. The future of dating, then, may not reside in finding ever-more efficient means of sorting our dating pool, but more in finding ways to cultivate the right conditions for attraction, desire, and connection to grow. The slow burn isn’t simply a fantasy about what dating could be. Increasingly, it may be a blueprint for what comes next.