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The Challenges of being Achellian

January 7th, 2025

We’re lucky enough to be dating at a time when self-expression and identity exploration are encouraged and celebrated. Amongst open-minded individuals (like ourselves), men are no longer expected to fall into one, neatly packaged category—gay or straight. This is where the more inclusive words come in, like Achellian. Heard of it?

If you aren’t crystal clear on what it means, you’ve come to the right place. Before you ask, we’re not talking about praising someone for their invincible strength or checking in on the tendon in your heel. To put it simply, Achellian is the umbrella term for gay, pansexual, bisexual, and queer men (including male-identifying individuals) who are sexually or romantically interested in other men. However, it’s important to make clear that the umbrella isn’t big enough to shelter heterosexual, cisgender women who are attracted to men, too; the term “Achellian” is only applied if you identify as a man. 

With an ever-increasing appetite to understand different sexual identities, we’re here to fill your plate with what it means to be Achellian, its history, and its relevance within the LGBTQIA+ community.

What does Achellean mean?

“Their hands meet and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun [...] We were like gods, at the dawning of the world, and our joy was so bright we could see nothing else but the other.”

― Madeline Miller writes about two best friends, The Song of Achilles

First, let's start with a quick Greek mythology lesson. There was once a Greek hero called Achilles. He played a pivotal role in the Trojan War. But what we're interested in is his close relationship with his friend, Patroclos. If you and your bestie “see nothing else but the other” at any given moment, then it might be time to wake up and smell the coffee. Achilles and his close friend, Patroclos, sound more like lovers, right? 

In Ancient Greece, homoerotic relationships were commonplace, and an accepted part of the country’s cultural fabric. This long-thought-of “close relationship” between Achilles and Patroclos is now more widely theorised to have been romantic—and it’s where we get the word Achellian from. 

Terms like Achellian and MLM (the acronym for men loving men) are both more inclusive, as they refer to gender non-conforming people who don’t have to identify as a man themselves but are still drawn to people who do. After all, identity is ever-changing. In line with its fluid meaning, PinkNews also explains that Achellian doesn’t have to label an “exclusive” attraction, “as the label is used in a way to unify all men who love other men such as gay (vincian) men, bisexual men, pansexual men, etc, promoting solidarity among men of all identities.” 

LGBTQIA+ activist, Sylvia Rivera once said, “We can no longer stay invisible. We have to be visible. We should be unashamed of who we are.” Whether you identify as Achellian yourself, or simply want a better understanding of queer words and how to use them, unifying terms like Achellian teach that sexuality, like gender, isn’t restricted to a binary. 

The Achellian community has a (very new) flag that features a flower that pays homage to the celebrated author Oscar Wilde, who notoriously wore a green carnation pin as a symbol of gay identity. He often spoke about how men loving men were often “misunderstood,” and he was subsequently imprisoned for being homosexual. Society may have come a long way since the 19th century, but there are still many obstacles that the Achellian community faces regularly. 

Social challenges

Like any member of the LGBTQIA+ community, being anything other than heterosexual comes with its trials. If you identify as queer, you’ll know negative societal perceptions and stigmas all too well.

Stonewall writes that “when we make gendered assumptions, we’re centering men in our understanding of sexuality” and that labelling Achellian as gay is not only “queerphobic,” but another way in which “patriarchy manifests within our social culture.” We have toxic masculinity to thank for perpetuating that men who sleep with other men should be dismissed as gay, and that it somehow makes them less “macho.” But this idea of "macho" is increasingly irrelevant in today’s world. Many men who sleep with other men still embody traditionally masculine traits, proving that masculinity is not confined to outdated stereotypes. 

Bisexual male, Nathan, spoke to Verywellmind, and said that: “Heterosexual men seem to have a harder time accepting the gradients between hetero- and homosexual. It makes being taken seriously very difficult in all relations, friendly or potentially romantic or sexual. So you have to adapt and erase yourself as you go along so that you can navigate the world with more respect from others and have more likely chances of finding love.With such a lack of representation in the mainstream media, it's common for Achellians to say they’re gay in social situations, simply to avoid questioning and awkward interactions with people who don’t understand. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with identifying as gay. It just shouldn't be a blanket term for Achellians—it’s not who they are. Thankfully, the LGBTQIA+ community has shown a growing interest in learning about different sexual identities in recent years and sparked hope for the future. 

Emotional challenges

The NHS says that “men are often taught to prioritise self-reliance, emotional control, avoiding dependence, and physical toughness as essential traits of being a man.” But what does being a man really mean? While white, heterosexual, cis men undeniably benefit from societal privilege, it’s important to recognize the unique struggles faced by men who don’t fit that stereotype—whether because of their race, sexuality, or cultural background. For instance, while white gay men may encounter prejudice, gay men from marginalized communities often grapple with even more complex challenges, including cultural expectations, systemic racism, and societal biases. All of these things can make navigating identity and sexuality a lot more complicated and, for some, an isolating experience.

In the Western world, it’s often overlooked that “these expectations can have devastating effects on men and their ability to be open and honest. With such a heavy weight on their shoulders, navigating mental health as a queer man is no easy task. In cinema, this struggle is widely normalized. Whether it’s in Call Me By Your Name, Moonlight, or Brokeback Mountain, the trope is still perpetuated that being in an MLM relationship is hard to share with the world without facing some form of backlash, discrimination, isolation, or inward emotional trauma. 

On and off screen, it should be more widely understood that being an Achellian comes with extra hurdles, on top of society's opinion of what a man should be. Be it due to stress and doubt around their sexual preference or internalised phobia that being attracted to men is a weakness, the Achellian community is, even now, under continuous pressure. 

Relationship challenges

Every relationship has obstacles to overcome—but what specific challenges does an Achellian couple have to deal with? Here are some potential issues you should be aware of.

VALUES AND EXPECTATIONS

In any setting, having different values and beliefs from somebody else can be awkward, especially within the confines of a romantic relationship. For Achellian individuals, being in a partnership can be even harder when both parties come from contrasting backgrounds and religions. For example, there may be a distinct difference in how accepting one partner is of their sexuality than the other, or how open they are with their families about the relationship. Respecting each other's boundaries is key.

GENDER ROLES

Top. Bottom. Twink. Bear. Whether we like it or not, there are still subtly ingrained stereotypes and beliefs that are held up for male same-sex couples. The outdated view that there should be some manifestation of gender expectations still rears its head, making the pressure to define individual roles in the relationship more complex. Even for Achellians, the struggle that comes with inherited heterosexual relationship dynamics can hinder the balance and expectations of an MLM partnership.

IDENTITY

For the LGBTQIA+ community, it's expected that every relationship will come with different variations of self-acceptance. For example, an Achellian may be involved with a gay partner who doesn’t completely understand their sexuality. One partner may be comfortable with who they are and how they want to be seen by the world, whereas the other might still struggle with their wants and needs. Embracing identity is hard to do on your own, never mind with somebody else in the mix.

Support and resources 

For anyone, having a great support network of allies can do wonders for your mental health and sense of belonging. This is especially true for Achellian folk who face daily challenges that not everybody understands. 

As members of society who are hungry to learn and support, we must continue to educate where we can. Thankfully, there are some great resources to do that with.

  • FFLAG supports friends and family of LGBTQIA+ individuals with peer groups and educational materials.
  • Stonewall proudly provides support, guidance, and information on all things inclusion and strives to work towards a world where LGBTQIA+ people can live freely.
  • The GBTQ+ Men's Peer Support Group is an open-topic society for men who identify as gay, Achillean, trans, bisexual, pansexual, ace, aro, queer, or are questioning their sexuality.
  • Consortium is the largest group of LGBTQIA+ societies in the UK and their aim is to help their network become stronger and more sustainable. 
  • Mind runs its Rainbow Mind service to support LGBTQIA+ people with their mental health.
  • TransUnite offers access to over 100 Trans support groups across the UK and offers helpful details on scheduled meetings, useful contacts, and other support. 

To be loved is to be seen, and terms like Achellian pave the way for younger members of the LGBTQIA+ community to feel heard and understood. Whether you are Achellian, know somebody who is, or someone who is questioning whether they are, you must remember that every person’s individual journey deserves acceptance.

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