How to meet and treat a unicorn

Looking for a third person to bring into your bedroom or your relationship? Finding your unicorn (or your unicorn finding you) can be a fulfilling experience for everyone involved. When it comes to threesome dynamics, it’s important to treat everyone’s desires, feelings, and boundaries equally and respectfully. Here’s how…   

What is a unicorn?

Unicorn is a term used to describe a person who is interested in meeting a couple, usually sexually and for a threesome. They might be looking for one great night, frequent but casual meet-ups, something more serious and long-term (like dating a couple exclusively), or anything in between.

Some unicorn scenarios might involve fantasy, kink, or role play—but everyone’s desires and dynamics will be different.  The only way to find out exactly what that person is looking for is to ask them.

Where to find a unicorn

There's no single place unicorns gather, but there are environments where people who are open to meeting couples naturally connect.

Online dating apps and communities can be a good starting point, especially platforms designed for non-monogamous relationship dynamics, like Feeld. You can add different desires to your profile—including things like Threeway, MMF, and FFM—and can add partners to your Constellation, allowing you to connect with others (including potential unicorns) together. 

For those who prefer to take things offline, local polyamory and kink gatherings can be great for meeting people looking for the same things you are. Poly socials, kink munches, and ENM gatherings are relaxed, community-focused spaces where conversations unfold naturally. Feeld also runs IRL events, friendly, low-pressure socials where members can connect beyond the app.

If committing to dedicated meetups feels too forward, but you still want that in-person connection, then LGBTQ+ spaces (such as queer socials, workshops, and community events) can be a great way to meet people who might be curious or open to dating couples. 

Tips for couples seeking a unicorn

Bringing another person into your relationship can be exciting, but it also calls for clarity, trust, and emotional readiness. These tips help lay the groundwork to make sure you and your partner feel genuinely prepared.

Honest communication

A good starting point is talking openly with each other. Share what you hope to explore, where any nerves or insecurities sit, and what you need to feel comfortable. Discussing these things together first can make your approach to someone new feel more relaxed and respectful. Many unicorns notice that couples who have not checked in with each other can come across as rushed or intense, even when they mean well.

Clarifying boundaries and expectations

It helps to have a shared understanding of what you’re looking for, whether it’s a one-time threesome, an ongoing connection, or something more open-ended. Clear intentions make conversations with potential unicorns easier and more transparent.

Try to stay flexible, too. Some couples arrive with lists of “rules” before even meeting someone, which can feel restrictive or dehumanizing. Healthy boundaries are shaped by everyone involved, not predetermined in isolation. Start with your non-negotiables and stay open to adapting as the connection grows.

Building trust before sex

Trust tends to deepen the experience for all three of you. Meeting in a low-pressure setting, such as a drink, coffee, or social event, gives everyone a chance to see if the chemistry feels comfortable and natural.

Unicorns often say that couples skip these early steps, which can leave them feeling like an accessory rather than an equal participant. Taking things slowly, chatting, and checking in helps your unicorn feel supported, and usually leads to a more enjoyable experience if intimacy develops later.

How to approach a unicorn respectfully

Finding a unicorn is one thing. Approaching them in a way that feels respectful, comfortable, and human is another. How you open the conversation sets the tone for the entire dynamic, so here are some key pointers to get things off to a good start.

Avoid objectification

A unicorn isn't a mythical creature, despite the name. They're a real person with their own desires, boundaries, and comfort levels. Treat them with the same warmth, respect, and interest you would offer anyone you genuinely want to get to know.

Keep in mind that the term unicorn works as a useful shorthand for humans to signify (in their bio or elsewhere) what sort of dynamic they're seeking. Beyond that, it doesn’t define that person. An ideal way to approach a unicorn is to be honest and upfront about what you're all looking for. 

Taking the time to have a genuine conversation, before jumping into logistics or making assumptions, shows that you're interested in them as a person, not just as a role in your fantasy.

Understand that not all unicorns are bisexual

As always, avoid making assumptions about anyone’s sexual preferences. There are lots of reasons people are interested in dating couples. Not all unicorns are bisexual, so if you're a mixed-gender couple, don't assume they will be interested in having sex with both of you. Some unicorns may be pansexual, queer, bi-curious, or simply more interested in one partner than the other. Asking what they're comfortable with is respectful and prevents misunderstandings.

Set boundaries early

Don’t reach out before you’ve agreed on what you actually want as a couple, and don’t show up with a long list of rules that only protect the two of you. Approaching someone without shared expectations creates confusion, and presenting rigid, couple-centric rules leaves no space for the unicorn’s needs or preferences, setting the relationship up for imbalance from the start.

One Redditor shared their frustration that, in their experience, “None of these boundaries [apply] equally to all partners in the relationship; they are all restrictions on the unicorn and not the couple." Healthy boundaries work best when they’re co-created with everyone involved. Create agreements that reflect the needs and meet the desires of all three people.

Discuss exclusivity through open discussion

Not all unicorns want the same level of involvement. Some may want to sleep with other people, some don't. Some may feel equally attracted to both partners; others won't. 

Instead of relying on assumptions or stereotypes, create space for honest conversations about what each person wants, and is looking for. The most reliable way to understand your unicorn’s preferences is to ask them, and listen with care. To discover more about connecting with a third, take a look at our guide to ethically approaching a unicorn.

Create space for a unicorn’s autonomy in the relationship

Even when the practical details are clear, unicorns often describe feeling overlooked once intimacy begins. This can happen when couples center their own comfort, exclude the unicorn from conversations, or only include them during sex. Entering a couple's dynamic can feel vulnerable, and emotional neglect can deepen that vulnerability quickly.

If your connection starts to deepen, remember that you’re building something with them—not asking them to step into a role you’ve already decided on. A unicorn should feel free to express what they want, set boundaries, and move at a pace that works for them. Regular check-ins, reassurance, and genuine interest in their feelings help your unicorn feel valued rather than peripheral. When their emotional experience is taken seriously, the connection becomes far more enjoyable for everyone.

Steps for a healthy unicorn relationship

Whether you’re meeting for one night or exploring something longer term, consider these steps to help everyone feel safe, comfortable, and able to enjoy the experience fully.

1. Make sure you’re all on the same page

Before anything happens, check that each person understands what they, and each other, want from the dynamic. What are they hoping for? Why do they want to open up the relationship? This level of clarity helps to avoid misunderstandings later on, and allows everyone to relax and enjoy the experience.

2. Talk openly about desires, fantasies, and boundaries

Everyone should feel able to express what they enjoy, what they’re curious about, and where their boundaries lie. Honest conversations create trust and make it easier to explore the dynamic in a way that feels good for all three of you.

3. Establish agreements and practical plans together

Agreements are not just about what happens in the bedroom. They can also include simple logistics, such as where you’ll meet, whose place you’ll go to, and whether anyone will stay over.

4. Keep communicating during intimacy

Checking in with each other and paying attention to comfort and body language helps everyone feel safe, connected, and respected throughout the experience.

5. Anyone can change their mind at any time

Consent is something that is given moment by moment—giving everyone freedom to pause, slow down, or say no, for any reason at all, and without pressure or judgment.

6. Treat everyone's feelings as equally important

Your unicorn's emotions, boundaries, and needs matter just as much as anyone else's. Be prepared to approach the connection as three equals exploring something together.

What’s the difference between “unicorn hunting” and polyamory?

Polyamory is a relationship style where people form multiple romantic or sexual connections with everyone's consent. "Unicorn hunting" is more specific and usually refers to a couple looking for a third person to join them, often with expectations shaped by the couple's needs.

While plenty of couples want to explore threesomes or even build a three-person throuple, unicorn hunting has gained a complicated reputation within queer and polyamorous communities. Historically, the term was used to describe heterosexual couples seeking someone (often a bisexual woman) who is attracted to both of them and willing to fit into a very specific fantasy. Because that combination of chemistry, desire, and availability is so rare, the person they are searching for becomes "the unicorn."

While unicorn dynamics typically follow this established structure, polyamory can take many different forms. This might include hierarchical dynamics involving primary and secondary partners, a non-hierarchical polycule, or kitchen table polyamory, where all partners are friendly. When a throuple forms within polyamory, it can feel more collaborative—three people building a dynamic, instead of one person being folded into someone else's.

None of this means so-called unicorn hunting is less fulfilling. Many unicorns genuinely enjoy dating couples, and many couples are capable of creating balanced, caring, ethical three-person dynamics. The key is awareness: couples need to understand the power they hold as an established unit, and take extra care to make sure the unicorn's autonomy, comfort, and emotional needs carry just as much importance as their own.H2: How to treat and look after a unicorn

Once you've connected with a unicorn, the focus shifts to creating a dynamic that works for everyone. Leanne Yau—a writer, speaker, and certified sex and relationships educator who specializes in polyamory—offers clear guidance on what ethical triad unicorn dynamics can look like. She explains that a triad "isn't a couple+third, but four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and A+B+C all together. Each relationship must be individually nurtured for long-term success.” With that in mind, here are a few ways to build a dynamic that honors everyone involved.

Emotional respect

This can look like inviting them into conversations that affect them, checking in after time together, and staying aware of how a new person may feel overshadowed by an established partnership. Yau's advice to unicorns is equally important for couples: "Make sure your needs, desires, and boundaries are also being considered… instead of being forced to 'fit' an existing dynamic that you had no voice in creating." 

Clear communication

Communication isn’t just about stating what you want; it's about navigating the shifts, insecurities, and new emotions that appear along the way.

Yau notes that couples new to non-monogamy may become "insecure about the loss of their couple identity." As she puts it, "Polyamory is not just 'monogamy plus', but a whole new relationship dynamic that [can] upend the foundations of a relationship."

Talking openly about any growing pains helps prevent a situation where the unicorn feels pushed out or treated as a disruption. When everyone feels safe to speak honestly, the connection becomes stronger and more sustainable.

Avoid tokenizing or fetishizing

Unicorns, especially queer women, often report feeling reduced to their sexuality or treated as the "fun extra." Tokenizing can happen subtly: assuming their bisexuality exists for your benefit, expecting them to enhance your fantasy, or focusing more on their role than on who they are. This is rooted in the broader concept of couple privilege, where a couple sees themselves as the center of their world and the main characters in any sexual or romantic encounter.

Yau guides unicorns to be mindful of dynamics that feel dehumanizing, saying: "If you're in a situation where you feel like a toy being passed between two people, with no say on whether you actually want to spend time with either of them, [you may want] to think about whether this is the best situation for you." For couples, this is a reminder to check in, and to consider how a unicorn you’re engaging with feels.

Still, it’s worth noting that some unicorns may want to play a particular role in your dynamic, or to be treated as a “guest star”. Communicating these kinds of preferences helps to offer clarity.   

Whether you're looking for someone for one great night, or a third for ongoing fun, aim to let the relationship center around shared desire and communication, rather than expectation.

If you’re exploring different types of non-monogamy, searching for a unicorn, or considering the idea of becoming one yourself, you can discover your desires on Feeld.