Feeld Interviews: Esther Godoy

Questions of desire and pleasure are everywhere around us, and they are most exciting when we explore them with openness and imagination. In our new interview series, One Night Stands, we put a few playful questions to creatives who we believe are interrogating these questions in the boldest ways – whether through writing, film, art, or other mediums.

Introducing Esther Godoy, a LGBTQIA+ creator, consultant strategist, and the founder of Butch Is Not a Dirty Word, a media platform celebrating butch identity and amplifying butch voices. 

My love language is

When offering, I’m a huge “act of service” person. I’ve always found it challenging to express love and affection in the more traditional sense, but I’m very easily able to express myself through intuiting a lover, or friends, and desires, and needs, and planning, or providing for those through actions. This can obviously get a bit dicey if you don’t keep your codependent tendencies in check, but from a balanced place, there’s a lot of beauty to be found there. Though, as I continue to heal emotionally and spiritually, it becomes easier and more pleasurable for me to express love through society's more traditionally expected means. In terms of receiving love, I have a deep desire to be psychologically understood, to feel listened to in…a sense beyond just language. If somebody can make good enough sense of the mess that is my brain, and then add to it with more magic, then I’m hooked!

Pure pleasure for me is

Being completely present in the moment, or the pure sensation of completely relinquishing control. Both of these things can be one and the same in some sense. This comes super easily to many people, but to me, so far, it’s been one of my life's greatest challenges!

I feel good when I’m wearing

Quality, fashion-forward masculine clothes that fit my body. Which is an impossibly rare happening as a 5’2” tall woman.  This may sound like a minor inconvenience, but it’s actually pretty painful to never be able to step into self-expression in one of society’s most basic senses. Many things I’ve healed, but that one still hurts every time I see or touch a jacket or button-down [shirt] made from a beautiful fabric that I’ll never be able to step into. With masculinity, there’s an infantilization that comes through not being able to look polished – and at 36 I’m still having a hard time being treated like a 15-year-old boy thanks to my trusty-but-never-wavering blue jean and black tee aesthetic. 

I feel most connected to myself when

When my brain stops. Again, a rare happening but [it] tends to happen if I’m in the flow of doing something I really love. Skateboarding on a super sunny summer day, creative work, [or] post-yoga pre-bed. 

My most niche kink is

I’m really obsessed with hot-girl clogs with heels and ankle boots. Throw some hoop earrings and a matte lipstick of any variety into that mix and I’m stoked. Those things don’t even need to be “on” someone. Just put me in a room filled with heeled clogs and I’ll be fine. 

One thing I’ve learned about desire is

That if you don’t heal your traumas and/or bring all of your unconscious psychological, emotional, and spiritual mess into the light then they’ll be constantly pointed at all of the things that are terrible for you. 

I’ve always wanted to

To know what it feels like to be free of the constraints of my egoistic mind. But my brain-chemistry is far too fragile for hallucinogenics so it’s just me and my insufferable obsession with spiritual and quantum texts from here until the end of time.

My best date was

Hate to say it, but never have gotten over the time when my date’s best friend secretly followed me to the bathroom (while my date was buying us drinks at the bar) and then as I walked out of the stall, to my surprise, proceeded to shove me up against the wall, choke me out, and stick her tongue down my throat. There are so many things wrong with this entire scenario, but I was young, we were dumb, and you can’t curate anywhere near that kind of dopamine rush by behaving yourself! 

My most memorable one-night stand (sexual or platonic) is

I’ve never been a huge one-night stand person because I’ve got a lot of fear around safety. But I remember meeting a woman through a close friend. The next evening, I was out at a queer party and ran into the same woman. She was a little wilder than I remembered her being the night before and hitting on me pretty aggressively. Something didn’t feel totally right, but I knew my close friend was tight with her so kind of ignored my intuition and used this knowledge as a safety gauge. I went home with this woman and had sex, which was kind of fun but also pretty rough, and not really the kind I usually have without establishing trust, agreements, and boundaries with someone first. So, it was a little wild and I came out of the experience with mixed feelings. The next morning, I woke up super hungover on the other side of town without a phone, or any means of getting back to where I was staying. I began my hour-long walk home and stopped at the local hipster grocery store for a kombucha en route. When I walked into the grocery store, I ran into the woman I thought I had slept with the night before who was seemingly working her regular Sunday morning shift. Turns out the person I slept with was a total rando who had no mutual connections to anyone I knew, and who just looked very, very similar to my friend’s pal. I’ve never wanted to face palm myself harder for crossing my own boundaries and ignoring my own intuition since. 

On my nightstand you’ll always find

A whole lot of blank space, I can’t stand to sleep next to anything – apart from a lamp and a book – that close to my head.

I always gather inspiration from

I’m super visual; I love seeing beautiful photos that tell a story, branding, people, and spaces with good style. I love skateboarding culture, queer culture, country music, design, psychology, the culture of spiritual seeking, woo-woo shit, plant daddy life, vintage interiors etc. – a ton of things which aren’t typically thought of as going “together”. Inspiration for me ends up being a bit of a mishmash of visuals and energies from all over the place.

My ideal relationship is

Non-negotiably non-monogamous. I need a lot of psychological space and the freedom to express myself, explore, and grow. My ideal relationship is with a person or people who deeply understand, respect, and value this, not only for me but also for themselves.

I’m currently listening to/watching/reading

Listening to pop country always (sorry), watching the world go by, and reading self-help books trying to un-learn.

My style/life icon is

Being gender non-conforming means there aren’t usually social leaders, brands, people, or groups who you can immediately look to as an example of something or someone you strive to be or look like. No gods, no leaders, just me on this front

You can usually find me

Eating – every moment of every day

Recently I’ve discovered

The only way to get right with the world is to get right with yourself.

I wish more people knew

How to understand nuance.

I love sharing

My internal journeys and process with anyone who finds them useful, engaging and/or inspiring.

The thing I couldn’t do without

A calm, beautiful, and curated home space. My physical environment is everything; when things on my outsides are a mess then so are things on my insides.

I currently can’t get enough of

Eating fancy meals out on the town – mostly sushi, oysters, fresh greens, and a good glass of wine.

The work of art that changed everything for me is

Meg Allen’s photography project BUTCH.

The best advice I’ve ever received is

It’s the small, everyday, insignificant actions, that are just as easy to do as they are not to do, that will add up over time and ultimately be the determinant of your happiness and success.

The last thing I loved was

Not very good for me.

I’m most looking forward to

Releasing myself from the internal things that bind me. Continuing to learn how to occupy pleasure and presence without shame. 

I’m most turned on by

In no particular order: intelligence, sense of humor, and hoop earrings.