Affirmations In An Emergency

Day 1

If my boyfriend holds my hand tightly enough during takeoff and landing, the plane will not crash. If I am carefree and sweet and game on this trip, my boyfriend will fall more deeply in love with me. Really, the sky is thrilled to find that I am higher up in it. 

The woman with the perfect lip filler making fuck-me-eyes at my boyfriend from across the bar actually thinks we’re both insanely hot and is dying to have a threesome with us. The sex I have is hot and loving and it also pleases my boyfriend immensely. The fact that we’re open doesn’t mean my boyfriend hasn’t chosen me. Jealousy is for lesser hearts. My pussy is exactly the right amount of tight.

Just because we’re staying in Laurel Canyon doesn’t mean we’ll get Manson-ed. That said, Sharon Tate would almost certainly enjoy my company and give me the fellow Hot Girl Nod. In an alternate universe, Sharon Tate is safe and happy and she is playing with the wondrous baby she never got to have in our regular, fucked-up universe. In this other universe, I too am playing with a wondrous baby, the baby I’ll never get to have. 

Day 2

I am not the most gorgeous woman in L.A. but I am in the top one thousand, maybe. My aura is so powerful the angels look at me with envy. I could be bicoastal if I felt like it, I’m just more of a New York girl for the time being. 

My boyfriend’s friend’s baby chose me as his pool buddy because he senses I would make a good mother. I will make a good mother. The alternate universe scenario will be mine. It will prove challenging but not impossible for me to become a mother, and when I do, I’ll be a very hot one. My baby will grow up with everything she requires, and she’ll be safe and secure because I will provide a safe and secure world for her. Apocalypse will be diverted and all the bombs everywhere will stop dropping. 

I am as fertile as I want to be. My boyfriend looks at me with a baby in my arms and thinks how beautiful I look; God, too, thinks I look rather beautiful with a baby in my arms. Tonight’s the night all our trying will overcome the odds. Despite my uteruslessness I will soon be pregnant in the normal way. 

Day 3

Even though the affirmations I am writing this week are sort of melancholy, they bring peace and pleasure to others. Curiosity and deep feeling radiates from me like a sort of supernatural light. All the people on Instagram who began copying my affirmations posts lately do so out of care and esteem for me. Everyone agrees that mine are still the best.

My jacked Russian Lyft driver driving me from the Canyon to Sunset Boulevard in this enormous Escalade believes I’m an A-list actress on her way to a fancy event, which, in a way, I am. Thousands of adoring fans will show up to my little book launch tonight. I will write books that matter to people for forever. 

Day 4

San Francisco is cold and gloomy during our visit to make my shine seem even brighter. I could run across the Golden Gate Bridge if I really set my mind and perfect ass to it. 

Day 5

When I cried from just looking at my boyfriend while he drove us through the redwoods, it was the normal thing for a beautiful woman to do. My softness is hard won; my profound tenderness toward him is not suffocating or silly-seeming. The astonishment of the world and of being alive and open and in love inside of it overwhelms me sometimes and this, too, is normal, it is good even. 

Day 6

Couples fight sometimes and this is normal. My boyfriend isn’t going to throw me out like garbage just because we weren’t communicating well one time. No pair of people fits perfectly together, but we fit together pretty fucking well. 

Day 7

The lump I found last month in my left breast is probably just a self-resolving cyst. If it’s not a cyst and is a tumor instead, the tumor is almost surely benign. If it’s a tumor and it’s not benign I have discovered its malignancy early enough and the doctors will take care of it quickly and without issue. I will be ok. My boyfriend isn’t acting worried because there’s no need for us to worry. We are ok. We are ok.

Day 8

The child in the aisle behind us screaming like he’s being stabbed to death is very scared of the plane but he is safe. His parents are doing the best they can. The rest of us will be fine, even if we spend all five hours of this flight listening to a child’s violent shrieks. Patience is something I am ok at and I grow more patient with each passing day. We all are, I think, or hope, or believe, doing the best we can.

It is right to feel hope, even in this moment, even as the world appears so profoundly evacuated of it, even when hope isn’t fashionable. Hope is a feeling no one can ever steal from me.