How to identify queerplatonic attraction in your friendships

We spoke with Dr. Stefani Goerlich, a certified sex therapist and clinical and forensic sexologist, and Carly S., a pleasure educator, to unpack what queerplatonic attraction really means.

Understanding different relationship dynamics is important in a world where traditional labels often fall short. So, what does queerplatonic attraction look like? How does it differ from traditional romantic connections, and what does it mean for those who experience it? Let's get into it…

What is queerplatonic attraction?

Simply put, it is a deep emotional bond that transcends the typical boundaries of friendship. It's a connection that focuses on mutual emotional support, shared experiences, and feeling like you can fully be yourself with someone, without the expectations or pressures of romance.

"It's like finding a soulmate who completes you in every way, but you don't want to date them," says Carly S. "It's somewhere between a BFF and a chosen family member." This kind of bond can feel just as deep and significant as a romantic relationship, but it doesn't involve romance or sexual attraction.

Dr. Stefani Goerlich explains that queerplatonic attraction "is grounded in mutual affinity, rather than mutual desire." Instead of being driven by sexual or intimate responses, it's about an emotional connection that doesn't require physical touch, flirtation, or exclusivity. "Where romantic attraction is often expressed through practices like physical touch, flirtation, and hierarchical relationship models, queerplatonic attraction centers on mutual emotional support and rejects relationship exclusivity."

In what ways does queerplatonic attraction differ from “traditional” relationships? While romantic relationships often include elements like exclusivity, sexual attraction, and physical intimacy, queerplatonic relationships might take on many forms—emotional, legal, or even financial partnerships—without conforming to societal expectations.

Dr. Goerlich highlights that these relationships are "about choosing to form deep, lasting emotional bonds not because society says you have to, but because of a genuine, personal connection."

Ultimately, queerplatonic attraction challenges the idea that love has to fit into a certain mold. It shows us that emotional intimacy can take various shapes, all equally meaningful and fulfilling, without needing to conform to conventional romantic or sexual labels.

Signs of queerplatonic attraction

How do you know if what you're experiencing is queerplatonic attraction? There are a few signs that might help you recognize this deeply distinctive and meaningful connection. While queerplatonic relationships can look different for everyone, there are some common traits to look out for.

Emotional intimacy and depth

One of the strongest indicators of queerplatonic attraction is the depth of emotional intimacy you share with someone. It's a bond that goes beyond traditional friendship—a connection where vulnerability is embraced and emotional closeness feels natural and comfortable.

"You feel like you can be your true self around this person, without any pretense," says Carly S. "It's a deep intimacy that doesn't rely on romantic gestures or expectations."

In practice, this emotional intimacy might look like confiding in each other about your struggles or achievements, knowing that you'll receive unwavering support in return. It's the kind of connection where you don't need to filter your feelings, and that emotional safety strengthens the bond.

Commitment without romantic elements

In a queerplatonic relationship, commitment is about choosing to be there for each other—not out of love, but because of a deep emotional connection. This means being there for each other during tough times or sharing important life moments but without the other expectations often tied to dating or romantic partnerships,  such as exclusivity or sexual involvement.

"Queerplatonic attraction isn't about the need to make someone your romantic partner, but about creating a lasting bond of emotional support and loyalty," explains Dr. Stefani Goerlich. For example, if you're feeling down and instinctively reach out to this person, or they're the first one you want to share good news with, it's a clear sign of that commitment. It's about prioritizing each other's well-being because of the bond you share, not because of any preconceived obligation.

Intense connection and partnership

Queerplatonic relationships often involve an intense, unshakeable sense of partnership that is as meaningful—or even more meaningful—than a romantic relationship. This deep connection is built on shared experiences, mutual support, and a sense of "chosen family."

"When you get good news, you want to tell them first," says Carly S. "It's not about romance—it's about knowing that this person is your person. It's that sense of deep partnership and knowing you're there for each other, no matter what."

This partnership often extends into practical areas of life, such as making decisions together, handling finances, or supporting each other in long-term goals. 

Shared experiences and long-term plans

Another sign of queerplatonic attraction is the desire to share life experiences and even make long-term plans together. This  might look like envisioning life with someone by your side—whether that's living together, traveling, or simply growing together over time.

"In a queerplatonic relationship, there's no pressure to fit into a romantic mold, but you're still deeply involved in each other's lives," notes Dr. Goerlich. "This includes making long-term decisions together, but without the traditional framework of romance."

For example, you might find yourselves talking about where you'll live in the future, or sharing financial goals. You could even discuss co-parenting or sharing a home based solely on your deep commitment to one another's well-being. It's about sharing life's journey, whether it follows traditional paths or not.

How to identify queerplatonic attraction in your friendships

It can be a little tricky to tell whether you're feeling queerplatonic attraction since it doesn't always fit within traditional romantic or friendship boundaries. In fact,  it often blurs them. But if you're experiencing something strong but aren't sure what it is, it might help to reflect on a few things.

Reflecting on your feelings

The first step in figuring out if you're experiencing queerplatonic attraction is to take a moment to reflect on how you feel when you're around this person. Do you feel something deeper than friendship but like being in love? This type of connection can feel like an intense closeness that isn't about physical intimacy, but it's also more than just a typical friendship. It's the kind of bond that feels natural and comforting, without any pressure to take things further.

"When you're experiencing queerplatonic attraction," says Carly S., "you feel like this person is a huge part of your life. You cherish their presence in a way that's intimate but not romantic. You want to be there for them, not because you are in love with them, but because you love the bond you share."

So, ask yourself: How do you feel when you're with them? Can you be completely yourself around them without needing to hold anything back? Do you share personal experiences with ease, knowing you'll be met with understanding and support? If that resonates with you, it might be a sign of queerplatonic attraction.

Assessing the depth of your connection

Another big sign is the emotional depth of your connection. It's not just about spending time together or having fun—it's about feeling understood on a deeper level, often in a way that's hard to explain. Queerplatonic relationships tend to involve an emotional closeness and commitment that isn't about those loving feelings but instead is based on mutual support, shared experiences, and unconditional care.

Dr. Stefani Goerlich explains it like this: "In a queerplatonic relationship, you may feel like you've found someone who truly understands you. It's not about the conventional framework of romantic relationships, but about emotional closeness that is committed and lasting."

Think about this: How does this person make you feel when you need emotional support? Do they give you the kind of comfort and stability that you might expect from a partner, but without any romantic or sexual expectation? If you're going through a tough time and they're the first one you turn to, or you have inside jokes that are meaningful only between the two of you, these could be signs of queerplatonic attraction.

Common experiences and mutual interests

A big part of the queerplatonic attraction is the shared experiences and mutual interests. It's about having common ground—whether that's hobbies, life goals, or experiences—that shape your connection.

As Carly S. shares, "It's not just about having similar interests, but about sharing experiences that [make you] bond on an emotional level. It could be something as simple as staying up late, talking about your hopes and fears, or being the person you can always count on to show up when things get tough. It's a partnership based on shared experiences."

For example, you might have a friend you make big life decisions with—whether it's planning vacations, buying a house, or celebrating milestones together. These moments are full of excitement, and they create a feeling of doing life together but without the pressure of following a traditional relationship blueprint.

Navigating queerplatonic relationships

Queerplatonic relationships, like any meaningful connection, require intentionality and care. While they don't always follow the traditional expectations of romance or friendship, there are key practices that can help foster a healthy and supportive bond. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Set clear boundaries and expectations

Starting with a conversation about what each person needs and expects from the relationship is key. This includes everything from how much time you spend together to how emotionally available you are for one another. Setting boundaries helps prevent misunderstandings and creates a solid foundation for your connection. Stefanie notes, "Start by getting on the same page about what each of you envisions when you talk about a queerplatonic relationship. What does that look like in your everyday life?"

Communicate openly and honestly

Good communication is the heart of any relationship, and it's especially important in queerplatonic ones. Regularly checking in with each other and being upfront about your feelings, needs, and challenges helps keep things healthy and ensures you're both on the same page.

"Communication is the key to all connections," says Carly S. "We have to make our feelings known, otherwise assumptions might get made, and that's how problems can grow into much larger issues."

Respect and adapt to the relationship's unique nature

Queerplatonic relationships don't always follow the same patterns as romantic or friendship dynamics. Being open to how your connection is unique and understanding how you both experience it can help you respect each other's emotional needs. Stefanie emphasizes that "Queerplatonic relationships are predicated on deep, mutual investment in one another. It's not about one-sided emotions, but about understanding each other's needs and desires."

These principles apply to any relationship, but they're particularly important for queerplatonic ones. By approaching your connection with clarity, honesty, and respect, you create the space for a deep and meaningful bond—no matter how it looks or what form it takes.

Common misconceptions about queerplatonic relationships

One of the biggest misconceptions is that queerplatonic relationships are just a variation of friendship. While they do share some elements of friendship, they go much deeper, offering a strong bond and commitment that isn't present in more typical platonic connections. However, unlike romantic relationships, they don't include the intimate or sexual components, which is what makes them distinct.

Another common misunderstanding is that people in queerplatonic relationships are asexual or aromantic. As Dr. Stefani explains, "One of the biggest misconceptions is that people in QPRs are asexual or aromantic [LINK TO AROMANTIC GUIDE WHEN LIVE]. Queerplatonic partnerships develop for many reasons and fulfill an important emotional, relational, and familial role in the lives of those involved. The fact that they don't include sexual intimacy or romantic love does not mean that they are less than traditional erotic/romantic relationships. In fact, queerplatonic partners might have vibrant, active sex lives… just not with each other."

Some people also find it hard to understand how relationships that are so intimate can remain non-sexual. Carly S. notes, "I think the most common misconception in general is that it's hard to keep relationships that are intimate non-sexual. When people see a certain level of intimacy, they assume that sexual activities must have occurred, and it's impossible for a lot of people to wrap their head around that people can have very close intimate relationships without sex."

The importance of queerplatonic relationships

Queerplatonic relationships offer more than just companionship; they provide a foundation for personal growth and emotional support. These connections help people grow together, creating a sense of stability and a lasting bond. They allow for a unique closeness that can be deeply transformative, helping people understand their own needs and desires on a much deeper level.

"The emotional support from a queerplatonic relationship can help people navigate life's challenges while also offering a deeper insight into their own needs and desires," says Dr. Stefani.

Carly S. highlights: "These relationships offer the kind of stability that many people look for in romantic relationships but without the pressure to fit into a romantic mold. It's about knowing someone will always have your back." In this way, queerplatonic relationships offer a unique and meaningful type of support; one that isn't defined by romance but is just as significant and fulfilling.

If you're reflecting on your relationships and feeling something profound, yet not necessarily romantic, you're not alone. Queerplatonic attraction shows that it's possible to have emotionally intimate and deeply fulfilling connections that go beyond friendship—without the need for romance or sexual involvement. 

If you're curious to discover and explore relationships that aren't limited by labels, join Feeld today.