Lavender marriages—what are they and why are they gaining in popularity again?

Lavender marriages are more than just the latest buzzword or social media trend. They're a part of queer history dating back over a century. Originally born out of necessity, these partnerships are being reclaimed not to hide who we are, but to build intentional, affirming lives that reflect how we really want to love and connect.

"Reasons for lavender marriages are cultural, social, and personal, but often come down to protecting safety,” notes Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist. "Some people live in places where same-sex relations are still criminalized. Others are navigating a shifting political landscape around LGBTQ+ rights." But in the face of constraint, many are choosing something else: partnerships based on care, clarity, and autonomy.

We spoke with sex, relationships, and trauma therapist  Rafaella Smith-Fiallo to unpack where lavender marriages come from, what they look like now, and how to navigate one with honesty and intention.

What is a lavender marriage?

A lavender marriage is a marriage between a man and a woman where one or both partners are queer, and the relationship is usually non-romantic and non-sexual. These kinds of marriages were often a way to hide someone's sexual orientation, to protect themselves from social stigma, homophobia, and professional discrimination. It helped them blend in, keep their families happy, and stay safe in a world that wasn't accepting of who they really were.

As Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, founder of Healing Exchange LLP, puts it: "Lavender marriages were a survival strategy. Queer folks (often gay men and lesbian women) paired up to 'pass' as straight in a deeply unsafe, unjust world. It was all about staying hidden and accessing resources."

She continues, "Today? We're seeing a shift in the intentionality in choosing this partnership structure. It isn't completely about safety and 'passing' for some; in fact, some people are vocal about seeking a lavender marriage and are open about their relationship dynamic. But whether it's between queer friends or platonic life partners, it remains rooted in mutual care and a shared vision of building a life, even if it doesn't follow the classic rom-com script." To put it simply: "It's less about hiding and more about rewriting what love, home, and commitment can look like."

The term comes from the color lavender, which has long been associated with queerness. Back in early 20th-century Hollywood, some gay and lesbian actors entered into these marriages to keep their true sexual orientation private, especially when being out could destroy a career (more on this later). "Lavender" became a subtle code word for these arrangements. And the association with lavender goes back even earlier in time—one of the first public mentions appeared in the British press in 1895.

The historical context and evolution

Lavender marriages rose to prominence during Hollywood's golden age, when being openly queer could destroy a career. Studio contracts often included strict morality clauses, and gossip magazines like Confidential thrived on scandal. For many LGBTQ+ actors, marrying someone of the opposite sex became a strategy to protect their image and avoid professional or personal fallout.

But these marriages weren't just PR stunts—they involved real people making complex, deeply personal choices in a world that wasn't safe for them to live authentically. Take stage actress Katharine Cornell, often referred to as "The First Lady of the Theater," who married director Guthrie McClintic. The two collaborated on countless productions and shared a home for decades. Their relationship, widely believed to have been rooted in friendship and creative partnership rather than romance, gave them both the space to flourish professionally and personally.

Swedish actor Nils Asther briefly married vaudeville performer Vivian Duncan. Though they had a child together, Asther was known to have a long-term male partner, a truth many believe the marriage was meant to mask.

Author Vita Sackville-West and politician Harold Nicolson had two children and remained married for decades, all while maintaining same-sex relationships outside their union. Their marriage wasn't just about appearances. It reflected a pragmatic, mutual understanding of what they needed to thrive both privately and publicly.

One of the most famous (and turbulent) examples was between 1920s heartthrob Rudolph Valentino and actress Jean Acker, who was in a relationship with another woman. Though it seemed like a convenient solution, it fell apart quickly: Acker locked Valentino out of their hotel room on their wedding night, and they soon divorced.

And lavender marriages weren't limited to the silver screen. In conservative or religious communities, queer people often entered similar partnerships to avoid familial rejection or social ostracization. Sometimes, it was about survival, a way to navigate a world that punished deviation from the norm.

Everything began to shift in the decades following the 1969 Stonewall riots. The LGBTQ+ rights movement offered more visibility and the power to challenge societal norms. Lavender marriages in Hollywood became less common, not because the risks disappeared, but because more people began living openly and rejecting the idea that heterosexual romantic love was the only "real" kind of partnership.

What began as a survival strategy has, for many, become a liberating redefinition of what love, partnership, and home can look like.

Modern lavender marriages

A modern interpretation of lavender marriage has emerged, particularly among Gen Z, who are embracing these partnerships in a vastly different cultural and economic landscape. With skyrocketing housing costs, precarious job markets, and a growing rejection of compulsory romance, many are reimagining what it means to build a life with someone. Lavender marriages today often look less like secrecy and more like strategy—a way to prioritize mutual care, financial stability, and chosen family. 

As Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, founder of Healing Exchange LLP, explains: "It's about resisting the idea that marriage has to be romantic to be real. You can have a deeply meaningful relationship that doesn't include sexual or romantic attraction, and that's still valid as hell." She adds that these partnerships reflect "a shift in intentionality"—moving away from the need to pass as straight and toward creating affirming lives on your own terms.

This shift is visible online, where people openly seek lavender marriage partners on platforms like TikTok. One creator, @robbiesmoonmusic, a gay music artist, posted a video inviting potential spouses to apply, quipping: "You can mess around with whoever you want, whenever you want. All I ask is that when that monthly payment is due, you are showing up with your half." The video resonated widely, with one commenter reflecting, "Currently in a lavender marriage and have felt more love and care in 8 months than I did in 20 years with my ex. Never going back."

These modern partnerships prioritize emotional intimacy, shared goals, and a deep sense of companionship, without centering romance or sex. Smith-Fiallo notes that they can be "an act of queer autonomy, choosing connection on your own terms." For many, it's a personal decision and a political one, challenging the cultural script that equates love with romantic or sexual exclusivity. After all, we live in an economy that favors couples.

But these relationships aren't without complexity. "Despite the absence of traditional romance, emotional vulnerability is still very much a part of the equation," Smith-Fiallo explains. "These partnerships work best when they're rooted in authenticity and consent. That means regular check-ins, transparency, and a willingness to renegotiate the relationship as needed." Therapy helps, she adds, but so does journaling, community care, and open dialogue.

Rules and dynamics of lavender marriages

There's no one-size-fits-all model for a lavender marriage. Some are entirely platonic, while others include emotional closeness, physical affection, or even co-parenting. What they tend to share is a foundation built on honesty, mutual respect, and a clear, shared understanding of what the relationship is, and isn't.

"How do these partnerships usually navigate intimacy, boundaries, and external romantic or sexual relationships? With a lot of talking, a lot of honesty, and usually a group chat or shared calendar," laughs therapist Rafaella Smith-Fiallo. "Some lavender marriages are totally platonic; others might include cuddling, caretaking, or other kinds of intimacy. Many folks date or have romantic or sexual relationships outside the partnership, but again, it's about co-creating the structure that works for each of you."

That co-creation starts with deep, intentional conversations. "You'll want to talk through finances, living arrangements, parenting (if that's on the table), dating boundaries, emotional needs, and what 'commitment' actually looks like. Leave no question unasked," she says.

She also recommends looking outward for inspiration. "Search the web for similar conversations to see if there's something you hadn't thought about and discussed." Hearing from others in similar partnerships can reveal blind spots or spark new ideas.

And like any long-term relationship, lavender marriages grow and shift over time. "People grow and change, just like in any other relationship, the beauty of chosen partnership is that you get to evolve together, on purpose."

Still, Smith-Fiallo encourages folks to stay aware of how broader cultural pressures can subtly shape these relationships. "We can unintentionally mimic traditional gender roles or uphold couple-centric culture if we're not mindful," she says. "Lavender marriages may even have roots in compulsory heteronormativity, homophobia, or other forces we haven't fully named and addressed. But the goal isn't to replicate and pretend. It's to build something liberatory."

Lavender marriage vs. beard: Understanding the differences

While they may seem similar on the surface, lavender marriages and bearding are fundamentally different, especially when it comes to consent and intent. A beard is someone, often unknowingly, used to make someone else appear straight. These arrangements are usually one-sided: one person is hiding their true identity, and the other believes they're in a conventional romantic relationship. 

The term "beard" itself appeared in Robert Campbell's 1986 crime novel The Junkyard Dog: "He also has a respectable friend he uses as a beard." These setups often relied on secrecy and, at times, emotional deception.

One of the most famous examples of a public-facing relationship possibly rooted in concealment was that of Rock Hudson. The Hollywood heartthrob faced being outed in 1955 when Confidential magazine threatened to expose his relationships with men. Not long after his agent reportedly cut a deal with the media to suppress the story, Hudson married Phyllis Gates, his agent's secretary. Gates later wrote in her autobiography, My Husband, Rock Hudson, that she had married him for love and denied it was a cover-up. Still, the marriage lasted only three years, and Hudson was posthumously outed after dying from an AIDS-related illness in 1985.

Elsewhere, Golden Girl Betty White once implied she played that role for her close friend Liberace, too, accompanying him to premieres to help deflect speculation about his sexuality. While many notable "beard" relationships were one-sided, some were mutually agreed upon.

But lavender marriages are different. They're intentional, mutual partnerships built with full transparency between both people. Rather than being rooted in secrecy or manipulation, they're based on shared goals, open dialogue, and trust.

Therapist and author Joe Kort, Ph.D., who has worked with mixed-orientation couples, says that while lavender marriages are often misunderstood, they're far from hollow. "People tend to react with judgment," he writes, "assuming these marriages are deceptive or emotionally hollow." But many of these partnerships are built on deep emotional connection, co-parenting, shared values, and long-term support. "They fell in love with the person," Kort says, "not that person's sexual orientation."

In short, beards are usually part of a secret kept from one partner. Lavender marriages are conscious choices made together.

Benefits and challenges

Last year, an old BBC news clip resurfaced on social media. In it, a young woman from 1964 calmly shares what she wants from life: "As I don't particularly want to be a mother, have children, for me I think it's basically for a sense of companionship and security—and I think it'd be rather interesting to marry a homosexual." Her words went viral, not just for their boldness at the time, but because they still resonate today. Many women opt for lavender marriages because they feel safer, more respected, and more emotionally connected with gay men than with their straight male counterparts.

But what about passion, you might ask? Well, many long-term relationships shift over time. Studies suggest that the chemical intensity of romantic love tends to fade, and for many, marriage evolves into something more platonic. So you see, lavender marriages may not conform to the ”traditional” form of love, but a lifetime of mutual respect and companionship is not a tragic outcome.

And of course, platonic doesn't mean sexless. Many lavender marriages are open or polyamorous, allowing partners to explore romantic or sexual relationships outside the marriage.

Still, lavender marriages aren't a cure-all. They require emotional maturity, ongoing dialogue, and a strong foundation of trust. As Rafaella Smith-Fiallo explains, "Emotions are going to show up. You might run into jealousy, mismatched needs, or even the societal pressure of 'explaining' your relationship to others. What happens when one partner starts to develop stronger romantic or sexual feelings that weren't there before? Or feelings you didn't expect?"

Those kinds of emotional shifts aren't uncommon, especially as people grow and change. Boundaries that once felt clear might get fuzzy. One or both partners might start suppressing feelings for someone else, or discover their original agreement no longer reflects who they are or what they need. That's why regular check-ins, honest conversations, and a willingness to rework the structure together are so important.

Christine DeVore, a licensed clinical psychologist, told Business Insider, "While a lavender marriage may offer advantages, it doesn't guarantee lifelong happiness. No relationship is immune to heartache." Even with the best intentions, these partnerships still face the same emotional complexities as any other.

And yet, for many, lavender marriages are incredibly affirming. As Smith-Fiallo puts it: "You can have a deeply meaningful relationship that doesn't include sexual or romantic attraction, and that's still valid as hell. This opens up a world of possibilities for people to create relationships based on their true needs, not just what society has told them to seek."

How to find a lavender marriage

If you're considering a lavender marriage, it starts with a bit of reflection and clarity. And there are a few things you'll want to keep in mind. First, legal and social implications matter. Lavender marriages can carry different meanings and even consequences depending on where you are in the world. So, it's important to understand how it's perceived in your region—whether that's culturally, socially, or legally—to make sure it's the right choice for you and your partner.

It's also important to think about the potential for conflict. A lavender marriage isn't for everyone. It can be hard to make sure both people are aligned in terms of their wants, expectations, and the structure of the relationship. You might run into challenges if either of you isn't fully on the same page, so it's important to talk openly and set those boundaries clearly from the start. Rafaella suggests ”getting clear on your expectations and revisiting them regularly.”

And then there's the commitment. Lavender marriages are not just a short-term arrangement, and you'll want to think about how it fits into your long-term life plans. Relationships evolve, and sometimes challenges will arise as time goes on. So, make sure you're both comfortable with the journey and open to recalibrating things if needed.

Once you've got those big-picture considerations sorted, you can start searching for your person. You don't always have to start from scratch. You might already know them. A friend. A roommate. Someone you've built a platonic kind of love with. You might meet someone through queer-friendly spaces like friendship circles, online communities, or on dating apps like Feeld that celebrate all types of connection.

Lavender marriages aren't always about hiding, though for some, they still offer a much-needed sense of safety in a world that can feel unforgiving. But at their heart, these partnerships are about choosing. Choosing a connection. Choosing stability. Choosing a kind of love that fits your life, your needs, and your truth—even if it looks different from what the world expects. Not everyone needs butterflies or fireworks to feel seen and held.

Lavender marriages remind us that there isn't one way to love. Sometimes, love looks like paying the bills together. Watching Netflix on the couch. Parenting. Texting back. Choosing each other, every day, without the pressure or obligation for it to feel romantic or sexual.

As more people talk openly about lavender marriages, they're creating space for deeper conversations about queerness, chosen family, and what partnership can really look like. Ready to meet more like-minded folk? We're waiting for you on Feeld.