It’s common for people to be confused between polyamory and polygamy, as both practices not only sound very similar but they both fall under “non-monogamy”—having more than one partner. However there are some very big differences between the two.
Firstly, polygamy refers to people who are married to more than one person, often for religious reasons. Polygamy is the gender neutral word for the term, polygyny refers to men who are married to multiple women, and polyandry is the term for women who have multiple husbands.
People who practice polyamory refer to people who have multiple partners without the need for marriage. There are a multitude of ways to practice polyamory but all types involve multiple intimate, romantic, and emotional relationships, or dating several people, and they all encourage good communication and mutual consent for everyone involved.
It’s important to understand that although both practices involve having more than one partner, polygamy involves multiple marriages only, and polyamory just means having multiple relationships.
Polyamory vs polygamy: Key differences
Polygamy is illegal in most countries, but as polygamy is mainly practiced in Islam, it’s more likely to be legal in countries that are predominantly Muslim, such as the Middle East, Africa, and some parts of south Asia. However, according to Pew Research Centres, polygamy is actually relatively rare among Muslims, and only about 2% of the global population live in polygamous households. Where it is legal, people in polygamous marriages are permitted to marry more than one spouse, whereas in Islam only polygyny is permitted and a man can marry up to four wives.
There are many ways to practise polyamory: as a couple, solo, or with multiple partners dating each other. Married couples may also be in a polyamorous relationships, however they will only be married to one person. But the main difference is that you are choosing to have multiple intimate fulfilling relationships, rather than marriages. If you are practising a polyamory-based relationship, your partners should know that they are not the only person they are having a relationship with. Ultimately, you choose who you want to be dating. Polyamory is popular among all types of gender, whereas in polygamous relationships it is very unusual (and forbidden in Islam) for a wife to take more than one husband.
Both polyamory and polygamy come under scrutiny; polygamy often for religious reasons, and because of patriarchal societies and imbalanced decision making. Polygyny is much more common, and there are worries about gender power imbalances. But polyamory has been subject to disapproval too. Certain people claim that those who practice it are greedy, cheaters, or just obsessed with sex.
Polyamory vs polygamy: What’s similar?
Both polyamory and polygamy involve multiple partners, challenging the traditional binary or notion of monogamy. These types of relationships acknowledge that love and connection can be expansive rather than confined to a single person. You are a multifaceted person, and no two people are the same, however your beliefs and likes aren’t going to change from person to person, so your choice of partners are most likely going to align with your preferences on those things.
Regardless of the structure, having relationships with more than one person requires strong communication and organization. Jealousy can arise in any relationship, (yes, it's totally normal to feel jealousy even in polyamorous or polygamous relationships) so open and honest dialogue with all your partners is key. This might include checking in about how everyone is feeling, discussing ways to nurture your connections, or even planning logistics like shared calendars to coordinate time together.
Common misconceptions about polyamory and polygamy
There is a common misconception that polygamy is oppressive or even that polygamy is inherently oppressive or unethical. Any relationship, monogamous, or non-monogamous, can be abusive. Remember the majority of people in polygamous marriages are consenting adults, and very happy with their arrangements.
Practising polyamorous relationships most likely means you or you and your partner want to share things with more than just one person. For example you might want to have a relationship with someone of the same gender or sex as you and you have yet to explore one before.
Another could be that one of your partners is less kinky than you, and you want to find someone who is willing to fulfil those kinks, without having to break off your main relationship. Or sometimes it just comes down to that you or you and your partner both love each other, but just find other people attractive as well, and you want to explore or have relationships with other people at the same time.
A lot of people assume you can’t cheat whilst being polyamorous. Again all types of relationships should be based on consent. It’s important to make your boundaries clear. This could mean anything from, “please only date people we have vetted together” to “only date people we both know and trust.” If you were to then date a total stranger and not tell your partner/s this would be a breach of consent and would therefore constitute cheating. In a polygamous Islamic marriage, if you don’t tell your first wife about the existence of your second wife, this is actually haram (illegal and forbidden).
Polyamory also differs from an open relationship, where you and your partner have an arrangement twhere you might have one night stands, or enjoy swinging. If you are polyamorous you are in more than one committed actual relationship. Similarly those who practice “ethical non monogamy”are generally more open in their relationships. Although like polyamory everyone involved should be aware and consent fully, ENM relationships are usually based on arrangements where people can have multiple intimate or sexual partners rather than multiple invested intimate relationships.
Polygamous relationships : A closer look
In Islam, only polygyny is permitted. A man can take up to four different wives. However, according to the Koran, if a man is unable to fairly and equally look after even one of his wives, he is forbidden from pursuing marriage. Meaning if you can’t look after your (up to) four wives with equal amounts of not only time, emotion, and intimacy, then this is haram, but it is also forbidden to financially neglect them or cut them off.
Today, polygyny isn’t practised as much in Islam, but if a couple do decide this is something they want to pursue, then both the bride and groom can decide before the marriage if they want to be monogamous. Typically all spouses will live together in one house as a single family.
In most religions and cultures, polygamy was practised mainly because men had a much lower mortality rate than women (war, dangerous jobs etc.), and in fact there were more women being born than men, and it was seen as unfair to leave so many women single.
Polygamy is illegal in the United States but is unofficially still practised by some offsets of Mormonism (or Church of the Latter Day Saints), a Christian faith-based religion which developed in the US in 1830. Officially polygamy was outlawed by the religion many years ago, and Mormons who continue to practise polygamy aren’t recognized by the church today.
Some people, including polyamorous people, who typically live together and are in relationships with one another, decide to have (non legal) commitment ceremonies. As these aren’t legally recognised marriages, terms like “commitment", "bonding," or "union" are used. These can be as simple as exchanging rings or vows, or more elaborate “handfasting” or Unity Candle lighting” rituals.
Both polygamy and polyamory require you to always agree, keep communication clear and constant, and always manage your time with your partners fairly, and whatever boundaries you may have decided, to stick to them.
If you are polygamous, you are marrying your partners, which means committing your love to each other and to your God officially in front of your loved ones, but also committing legally. So you are emotionally, romantically, and even financially tied to each other.
If you are polyamorous then you have no such heavy commitments to your partners (unless you have a married partner of course). You have made a choice to have multiple loving partners at once, and there can be varying degrees of seriousness involved in those commitments.
If you would like to explore non monogamy, particularly polyamory, then be aware there are many different ways and different types of relationships that can be had. But always be sure to be consensual and ethical when entering into a polyamorous relationship.
If you want any more information on non-monogamy in all its guises, you might want to try The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures, or The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy. There is also more information at polyinfo.
