A24’s 2026 film Pillion explores what can happen when desire, power, and intimacy move faster than the conversations meant to hold them. Colin and Ray’s relationship in the movie is intense and magnetic, but it is also messy by design, demonstrating how intoxicating a Dom/sub dynamic can feel when it’s driven by chemistry, rather than the necessary communication and clarity.

Some people might think that talking about boundaries, consent, and expectations kills the mood. That desire should be instinctive rather than discussed. But Pillion reminds us that we're not mind readers, and that healthy dynamics are built through conversation, trust, and the ongoing ability to say "yes," "no," or "how about this instead?"

We sat down with sex educator, mental health professional, and pro-Domme Lola Jean to talk about how boundaries and communication really work in Dom/sub dynamics, why they’re so important, and why it’s an ongoing conversation, not a checkbox you tick once.

Why boundaries and communication come first in BDSM

All strong connections require communication, but in BDSM dynamics, this becomes even more important, especially when one person is taking control, and another is choosing to surrender it.

Talking things through beforehand helps ensure that everyone understands what they are agreeing to, what feels supportive, and where the edges are. 

"One of the most common pitfalls is assuming we already know all of our boundaries, and that we can communicate them perfectly from the start," Lola explains. "In reality, our boundaries, triggers, and vulnerabilities can shift depending on the person we're with and the moment we're in. There's often a hope that naming everything upfront will keep us out of harm's way. Still, it's ongoing communication, practice, and repair that allow a Dom/sub relationship to deepen over time."

Popular culture has also shaped how some of us imagine these conversations. Some picture a formal contract, like in Fifty Shades of Grey, where every rule and desire is laid out in advance. While contracts can be meaningful tools in some dynamics, more often communication in BDSM looks like a series of open, evolving conversations. These conversations are then revisited as trust grows, experiences shift, and people learn more about themselves and each other. 

Understanding boundaries in BDSM dynamics

There's a common misconception that because people are kinky or interested in BDSM, anything goes, when really, healthy BDSM dynamics are built on clearly defined boundaries. 

Physical boundaries

Some boundaries are about the body. They cover what kinds of touch feel OK, what positions or sensations work for you, and what your physical limits are. These boundaries help make sure you feel safe, respected, and comfortable in what’s happening. For example, somebody might enjoy spanking or light bondage, but prefer to avoid sensory play or take breaks during more intense scenes.

Emotional and psychological boundaries

Some boundaries are emotional or psychological. They relate to how language, tone, roles, or dynamics affect you mentally, and help to define and establish what feels safe or overwhelming. For example, someone might be OK with teasing but not humiliation, they might want to avoid certain scenarios or language that feels loaded, or need reassurance and aftercare.To help clarify this complexity, some people use a traffic-light framework to communicate during scenes: “red” signals a clear “no” or “stop”, “yellow” suggests caution or the need to slow down, and “green” indicates comfort or enthusiasm to continue.

Hard limits mark what is firmly off the table. These are areas where consent does not waver—activities or dynamics that feel unsafe, destabilizing, or incompatible with someone's sense of self. Like a red light, a hard limit is not an invitation to negotiate or push. It's a clear signal designed to protect trust, safety, and emotional well-being within the dynamic.

Soft limits are a little more flexible. Someone might enjoy a particular kind of play only up to a point, or need certain conditions in place before saying yes. Soft limits are like yellow lights, a call for attentiveness, and for space to check in, slow down, and adjust as needed.

These boundaries can evolve over time. "Many limits or boundaries may change as more trust develops or the relationship changes," Lola explains. "It's important to approach any changing boundary cautiously and with curiosity, to understand where the shift is coming from, and to make sure it's not rooted in people-pleasing or fear of abandonment, but in genuine desire or curiosity."

Because BDSM is as psychological as it is physical, boundaries are also about how experiences during a scene land afterward, what they stir up emotionally, what they reveal, and how they're held over time. "Most things in BDSM are cerebral," Lola adds. "It really takes time to think, talk, negotiate, and even journal to understand what you're getting out of it emotionally."

Consent in BDSM, and why it's not a one-time thing

When power is exchanged intentionally, and vulnerability is part of the appeal, consent has to remain present and responsive. That usually means talking things through before anything happens, and continuing to pay attention as the scene unfolds. Realizing mid-scene that something isn't working or that you need to slow down isn't a failure. It's part of listening to yourself and being honest with your partner(s).

Consent can be withdrawn at any point. Saying yes once doesn't mean saying yes forever, and agreeing to something at the start doesn't obligate you to continue if it stops feeling good or right. You can take a look at our complete consent guide here.

"If we think of consent as ongoing communication, it becomes about trying to understand the other person, having clarifying conversations, and staying curious about their experience," says Lola. "You have to create a safe environment and show, through your reactions, that their honesty is respected."

This is where check-ins become part of the dynamic itself. They might happen before a scene, during aftercare, or through small cues along the way that make slowing down or changing direction feel natural in the moment.

Verbalizing consent is the clearest way to understand what each person wants. At the same time, many sexual interactions involve non-verbal cues. If your partner's body language shifts, it's worth checking in to see whether they're still enjoying the experience. That might sound like, "Is this alright?" "Are you OK?" "Does this feel good?," or "Do you want me to stop?"

Asking for what you want and checking that someone is still enjoying themselves is grounding, intimate, and super hot. If it feels right, you might even use spicier language to set the tone. For more inspiration, take a look at our guide to making consent sexy, with pointers from consent-forward erotica authors.

(L-R) Harry Melling, Alexander Skarsgård. Credit: Chris Harris.

Things to think about before starting a Dom/sub dynamic

Before you get to the fun part, there are a few things worth considering and talking about with your partner(s).

Discuss what control means to each of you

For some, control is mostly erotic or symbolic. For others, it's tied to care, guidance, or emotional presence. The language to talk about it can be tricky to navigate. "With BDSM and D/s, I encourage people who say 'I'm this' or 'I'm that' to pause and ask themselves to clarify: what does that actually mean to you?,” says Lola. "These words mean different things to each of us, and new language is always emerging to help us define ourselves. What matters is staying curious about what an identity means to the person you're exploring it with."

Be clear about where the power exchange lives

Some people want power exchange contained within scenes, with clear limits. Others are curious about experimenting with it outside of sex. Neither approach is more valid than the other. Not talking about it can quietly create confusion later on.

Decide how private, or visible, you want to be

Then there are the practical questions. Who knows about the dynamic, if anyone? How visible are you comfortable being, whether online or in shared social spaces? Discussing these details early on often makes everything else feel easier to relax into.

Take into account past experiences and emotional context

Because the emotional stakes are high, sharing what feels relevant from your past can help a partner move with care rather than guesswork, especially when power and vulnerability are part of the appeal.

But don't overthink it. A few simple questions can be enough to get the conversation moving:

• What is it about this dynamic that appeals to you?
• Do you imagine this as something that's mostly about sex, or something that carries into dating or a relationship?
• What are you hoping to get out of exploring this together?
• Is there anything you're excited to explore, or anything you already know you don't want to go near?

These questions can resurface, shift, and deepen over time. 

How to introduce BDSM into an existing relationship

Bringing up BDSM with a long-term partner can feel a little uncertain. There's the fear of saying too much too soon, or of discovering that what excites you doesn't quite line up with what excites them. Add in curiosity, anticipation, and a little momentum, and it's easy to feel pulled toward moving faster than either of you has really agreed to.

Explore your motivations first

Before getting into specific activities, it can help to pause and think about why BDSM feels appealing in the first place. Lola suggests starting with an honest check-in with yourself about what BDSM expresses for you: "Are you looking for attention? Are you looking to assert your autonomy? Is this a way that you build trust? It's about understanding those motivations."

Share your “why”

Sharing that understanding with a partner can allow them to see what's underneath the curiosity for you. This can ease fears of rejection, slow the urge to rush, and leave space for informed responses (including the possibility that your partner may not share your desires).

Accept that there might be different levels of interest

Mismatched interest levels are common, and they don’t automatically signal incompatibility. Approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than persuasion helps everyone feel respected, even when desires don’t perfectly align.

Take it slow

Pacing also matters, and this means avoiding trying to do too much too quickly. Lola recommends moving slowly rather than "going for broke," starting with small, contained scenes and a single motivation or goal. Starting with conversation, fantasy, or low-stakes exploration can help partners test the waters together without committing to too much or getting overwhelmed. Approached with care, these conversations can strengthen trust and emotional safety, regardless of where they ultimately lead.

Communication during and after BDSM scenes (and why aftercare is important)

Communication doesn’t stop once a scene begins. Some of the best sex involves communication all the way through. That doesn’t mean you have to talk throughout (unless that’s your thing), but it does mean staying attentive by reading body language, noticing changes in breath, and paying attention to eye contact and other small cues that guide you in real time.

Use safewords and non-verbal cues

Safewords and non-verbal cues give everyone a way to pause or stop if something isn’t feeling right. A safeword is a pre-agreed signal which communicates that consent needs to be checked or something needs to stop. You should decide on these cues together before intimacy, and use them as needed.

Check in after a scene

This can be as simple as talking about what felt good, what felt off, or what surprised you. These conversations don't need to be analytical or heavy. They're just a way to stay connected and learn more about each other.

Don’t forget about aftercare

Aftercare is part of sex. In fact, as of 2025, nearly one in 11 Feeld members listed aftercare as a specific desire, proof that it’s not an afterthought, but something many people actively value and seek. What aftercare looks like can vary widely. It might be grabbing water or a snack, cuddling, running a bath, offering verbal check-ins, or simply being nearby without expectation. What matters most isn’t the specific action, but the shared understanding that care doesn’t end when the scene does.

For some people, aftercare is something they want straight away; for others, it unfolds more slowly. “Aftercare acts as a transitional space that allows each party to come back down to earth and return to their baseline,” says Lola Jean. “While it can be a place of reflection, for many people, that processing comes in the days that follow.”

Dom/sub dynamics don't work without communication. Boundaries, consent, and aftercare make it possible to explore power, desire, and vulnerability without things slipping into guesswork or harm.

Whether you're just curious about power exchange, figuring things out with a partner, or already deep in a dynamic, communication keeps things grounded. It's what makes trust possible, and what allows desire to safely and responsibly grow.

Looking for your Dom, a sub, or just starting to explore what you're into? Feeld is a space where you can connect with people who share your desires, and are open to talking about them. 

Pillion releases nationwide in the U.S. on February 20th.