A new sub’s guide to building trust, safety, and desire

I met my Dom on Feeld. From our initial messages, I was drawn to the idea of connection through power exchange. I wanted to experience a relationship built on trust and mutual understanding, rather than simply following orders. But being new to submission can intertwine with feelings of uncertainty and intrigue—much like the journey experienced by Colin in A24’s 2026 film Pillion, as confident biker Ray opens up his world via their D/s dynamic.

If, like Colin, you’re drawn to being a sub but feel unsure about how to begin safely, this guide shares my experience as a new submissive, with insights from sex and kink educators Lola Jean and Sophia Rose to provide practical guidance on boundaries, consent, trust, and aftercare.

Lola Jean is a sex educator, instructor, coach, wrestler, and writer known for her no-frills approach to sexual communication. Her work focuses on consent, emotional connection, and inclusive kink guidance, bringing practical experience into discussions about desire and boundaries.

Sophia Rose is a somatic sex educator and intimacy coach who works with kink, trauma-informed consent, and embodied communication through her platform Venus Hour. There, she supports people in building safer dominant and submissive dynamics with nervous system awareness, ongoing consent, and aftercare, and insights into how power exchange affects trust, vulnerability, and connection.

For more information on connection and communication, Feeld’s Not Just a Blog offers practical resources on all elements of self-discovery, including BDSM dynamics—from what it means to enter subspace, to how to communicate aftercare needs.

Micarah is a Feeld member, writer, and intimacy researcher focused on the psychology of connection and power exchange.

Understanding submission and its forms

Submission is a conscious, intentional choice. It is about allowing someone to hold aspects of you with structure, mutual agreement, and consent. Submission can be emotional, physical, or psychological, or a combination of any of these. Let’s take a look at the difference:

Emotional submission

This often looks like allowing a partner to lead in making decisions within agreed boundaries. For example, choosing how a scene unfolds, setting the tone, or guiding emotional pacing. Some submissives find comfort in being directed or reassured, while others value verbal feedback, praise, or correction.

Physical submission

This focuses on the body. It can include bondage, sensation play, positioning, or endurance. Examples include being restrained, blindfolding, following physical instructions, or receiving agreed forms of impact or touch. Safety, skill, and communication matter here.

Psychological submission

This centers on the mind. It can involve role play, structured routines, or acts of service. Examples include following daily rituals, completing assigned tasks, earning rewards, or receiving consequences within agreed roles. Some dynamics include praise, discipline, or control over how and when tasks are completed.

In all realms of submission, curiosity and communication are more important than performance. Submission is personal. There is no script or “one right way” to act, and what works for one person may not suit another.

Sophia Rose advises moving steadily and with care: “You only know your limit when you reach it. Go slowly with your hand out, bit by bit. You can always do more later, but it is difficult to do less once you are overwhelmed.” Recognizing boundaries gradually allows you to enjoy submission while staying safe.

Bringing your own interests to sessions is equally important. Consider what excites you, whether it’s a type of sensation, role, or equipment, and communicate it clearly. Sophia Rose also highlights that play does not always need to be intense. Scenes can be playful, creative, or low-key. Approaching your dynamic authentically can help ensure that submission supports your wellbeing and desire, rather than feeling like an obligation.

Self-reflection can also be useful to help discover what you’re most attracted to and interested in exploring. Some questions to ask yourself might include: What activities genuinely interest you? Which aspects of surrender feel safe and appealing? How will you introduce these interests to your Dom or partner?

First conversations: Limits, boundaries, and desires

When I first spoke with my Dom, we went beyond exploring physical boundaries to discussing how certain actions made me feel emotionally as well. These conversations set a strong foundation for trust, and helped us to begin to develop our relationship.

Early discussions about limits, boundaries, and desires can help to set the tone for how safe and connected a dynamic may feel. You might choose to talk about soft and hard limits, your preferences, and any activities you would rather not engage in. You may also choose to prioritize conversations about safe words, aftercare preferences, and the understanding that consent is informed and ongoing.

Opening the discussion

Lola Jean suggests asking how each person wants to feel rather than only focusing on physical limits: “What type of feelings do you like and dislike? What does this person look like when they are engaged versus despondent?” This approach can encourage honesty and create space for deeper connection.

Sophia Rose emphasizes that trust-building can require acceptance of the fact that mistakes are inevitable. Early discussions are not about creating perfect sessions, but about learning how to respond when things are uncertain or go off course—and planning how to repair trust after a misstep. 

Setting expectations

Some tools I’ve found helpful for establishing boundaries include writing down your limits, desires, and aftercare preferences in advance, and sharing and discussing them openly with your partner(s). It’s important to remember that boundaries may change over time, and as trust develops. Keep the conversations ongoing, rather than thinking of discussion as a one-off event. 

Useful questions for both submissives and dominants entering into these conversations with partners could include: How will you ask about limits without pressure? How will you respond if your partner shares unexpected boundaries? How will you continue the discussion as your dynamic evolves?

Trust before play: Building emotional and physical safety

As Sophia Rose explains, “Trust is not built by preventing anything from going wrong. It’s built by knowing how to respond when something doesn’t go as planned.”

Trust is the foundation for any submissive-dominant relationship. Emotional safety is based on openness, transparency, and respect for boundaries. Physical safety might require adhering to limits, sticking to an agreed technique, and using clear signals to stop or adjust activity. Shared vulnerability and responsiveness to feedback are indicators of a healthy dynamic.

Noticing discomfort

If you’re feeling uncomfortable about the dynamic with your partner, you might consider whether you’re noticing any red flags. For new submissives, these may include: pressure to escalate or disregard boundaries; ignoring aftercare needs; secretive behavior; or unclear expectations. If you are experiencing any behavior that makes you feel unseen or disrespected, you may want to slow things down to communicate how you’re feeling and what you need, and consider how safe you feel continuing in the dynamic.

Moving at your own pace

When it comes to building trust, Lola Jean emphasizes pacing. Newcomers may feel pressure to jump straight into intense experiences, she explains, but slower, gentler interactions can allow you to build rapport and assess trust.

A dynamic may be moving too fast if you feel pressured to escalate intensity, or feel discomfort during the activities previously agreed upon. If there is too little time to process and reflect after sessions, you may feel rushed or dropped. If you experience any of these feelings, renegotiation can be key. Adjusting expectations ensures that trust and safety remain central.

First-time dominants, or dominants interacting with first-time submissives, may find the following questions helpful for reflection: How do you ensure your partner feels safe and respected? How will you recognize when a dynamic is moving too quickly? How can you maintain flexibility without losing structure?

Transitioning from online to in-person dynamics

Online conversations can differ from in-person experiences. Some people might prefer chatting before meeting up in person, which can allow for the dynamic to develop over time, and can create space for you to consider boundaries and communicate safely together. Once you choose to meet offline, this can introduce new energy and vulnerability. Think about what might make you feel more comfortable when meeting in person for the first time. This may include scheduling a neutral meet-up in a safe, public space; starting with low-stakes interactions; and checking in consistently about physical and emotional comfort.

Sometimes, you may find that online chemistry does not automatically translate offline. You might gauge the dynamic by observing body language, energy, and emotional cues when meeting in person—and following your instincts. Sophia Rose notes that consistent, respectful communication during this transition stage can lay the foundation for future sessions.

Aftercare and ongoing communication

Aftercare is not only physical. It includes emotional reassurance, reflection, and grounding too. By prioritizing a space where you can process intense moments together, an emphasis on aftercare strengthens connection and reinforces trust.

In my own dynamic, aftercare includes sharing what we enjoyed, discussing adjustments for future sessions, and taking time to reconnect. Even small gestures, such as checking in or acknowledging each other’s contributions, sustain emotional safety.

As for why aftercare can be beneficial, Sophia Rose explains that the expression of feedback, reflection, and gratitude can help both partners feel secure. Regular check-ins can prevent misunderstandings and ensure concerns are addressed promptly and responsibly. Some effective aftercare practices include: asking your partner what they need emotionally and physically; offering feedback and listening actively to theirs; creating small rituals to reconnect after intense sessions; and revisiting agreements and discussing adjustments for next time.

When approaching aftercare, some questions that might be useful for new submissives and dominants to consider and reflect on together: How will you create routines for emotional grounding? What signals indicate your partner needs reassurance? How will you maintain trust after miscommunication?

To dive deeper, take a look at our guides to communicating your aftercare needs, and  navigating aftercare in a new relationship.

Consent as a living conversation

Consent and emotional safety are essential to any fulfilling dynamic, including BDSM relationships.

Active consent is ongoing, reversible, informed, and specific. Boundaries can shift as desires, experiences, and comfort levels evolve. Submission does not remove agency—it’s an active and enthusiastic choice, one which prioritizes self-awareness and communication.

As part of this, it can be beneficial to regularly revisit agreements, discuss desires, and adjust dynamics as needed—ensuring that all partners feel engaged and respected. Sophia Rose emphasizes that flexibility matters—and a healthy dynamic can allow for negotiation and adjustment rather than rigid adherence to initial agreements.

Lola Jean reminds us that submission is guided by choice, not obligation, and recommends regular reflection on feelings, limits, and responsibilities. You might ask yourself: Are you actively listening to feedback? How do you address changing needs without pressure? How can submission support agency rather than diminish it?

Being a submissive has taught me about trust, communication, and self-awareness—and I’ve learned to prioritize clear boundaries, reflection, and honest feedback. 

Whether you’re curious about submission, are looking for a partner, or hoping to deepen an existing dynamic, you can find like-minded people and open communication on Feeld, where safety and trust are paramount. Your discoveries may surprise you.

Pillion releases nationwide in the U.S. on February 20th.