Understanding the brat role: A dynamic within BDSM

And within this space, there's one role that stands out for being especially cheeky, playful, and, let's be honest, a little bit infuriating: the brat.

You might have seen the word pop up in a Feeld bio, on kink TikTok, or in a heated Reddit thread where someone swears they're "a brat, not a bad sub." But what does that actually mean? Is it just a naughty submissive? Is it about resisting authority—or flirting with it? And what makes someone want to play this way in the first place?

To help us unpack what the brat identity is, what it isn't, and why it's so misunderstood, we spoke to Lola Jean, a sex educator, mental health professional, pro Domme, and writer with deep insight into the psychology of power and play. With her guidance, we explore what makes brat dynamics so compelling, how they differ from other forms of submission, and why misbehaving can be just as intentional (and intimate) as obeying.

So, whether you're brat-curious, dating one, or figuring out what kind of submissive you might be, you're in the right place. Read on to find out more, and download Feeld to start exploring.

Defining the brat role

While some submissives thrive on structure, obedience, and praise, others find connection through resistance, mischief, and a little bit of chaos. That's where the brat comes in. A role that turns power dynamics into playful defiance without losing the core elements of consent, care, and intimacy.

"A brat," explains Lola Jean, "is an individual who likes to be defiant or cause chaos as a means of self-expression—often looking for a certain type of reaction from their partner." That reaction might be disciplinary, but it could just as easily be "withstanding, it could be attention, it could be care," she adds. Not all brats want to be punished. Sometimes, they want to be met.

This is where common misconceptions start to creep in. Mainstream portrayals often reduce brat behavior to "misbehave and get spanked," but that misses the emotional nuance. Bratting isn't just about pushing buttons to be corrected; it's about leaning into your chemistry unafraid of the push and pull that makes it feels exciting, emotionally validating, or empowering.

"When people playing with brats assume the play is only about physical punishment," says Lola, "they try to stop the brats from bratting. But that's the fun for the brat, being playful and cheeky. When you squash that, you're cutting off their self-expression."

Within the BDSM community, brats sometimes carry a challenging reputation. This stigma often stems from misunderstandings about brat behavior. Rather than treating labels as definitions, Lola encourages curiosity: "I always tell people, when someone says 'I'm this, I'm that,' ask, 'What does that mean to you?' All of these words mean something different to each of us. There are always going to be new terms that help us define ourselves."

How to be a brat in BDSM

Once you know what a brat is, the next question is: what is brat play? How do you brat during sex? It's not just about being sassy for the hell of it, it's about intentional mischief, creative tension, and emotional connection, all within a consensual power exchange.

It’s also important to acknowledge the role of the brat tamer, the partner who enjoys the brat’s playful resistance, and knows how to respond to them.

"For people new to brat play, communication and understanding are vital," says Lola. "The key, I think, for brat play is understanding the motivations of the brat. What are they looking for from their partner when they brat? How can they [the tamer] get them to behave or communicate when they cross the line? And what are some fun ways they can poke and prod at their partner?"

Before anyone starts pushing buttons, it's important to agree on boundaries and signals. Brat play can involve teasing, rule breaking, or mischievous refusal—things that might look like "topping from the bottom" in other relationships or connections. "Talking about these things before you play means that you can then have an understanding, but also be able to get excited about it," Lola explains.

Because bratting often involves deliberately ignoring orders or saying "no" when you don't mean it literally, communication systems may need to shift. "It's a little bit close to consensual and non-consent play in that no doesn't always mean no," she says. "But then, if no doesn't mean no, what does it mean? You have to change all of your communications." This is where safe words or clear opt-out phrases are not just useful, but important. "When you're doing something and I want you to stop, how do I get you to do that? Do we need a timeout?"

In other words, brat play needs a flexible framework. Build a shared language around consent, and also around tone, intent, and pacing. Don’t rush things. Instead, feel them out, and allow room for both roles to evolve.

"Like a lot of new things in kink, it's about going slowly. Don't go for broke," Lola advises. "Have small, contained scenes with single motivations [and] single goals, but really play with it from a cerebral level." Brat and tamer connections thrive on tension, not speed. Jumping into punishment too fast or treating defiance as disrespect can shut down the play before it gets fun. "A lot of the times where things go wrong is with too quick of an escalation, and there's not enough time to character-build or for the brat to brat. Let the scene come to you, allow it to breathe."

If you’re in more of a dom/sub setup then maybe you "accidentally" forget to use the honorific your tamer likes, refuse to count your spanks correctly, or sneak out of your restraints mid-scene. Some brats love to hide toys, roll their eyes, interrupt when their partner(s) is talking, or use sarcasm to push buttons in a flirtatious way. Others might text something bratty before a scene even starts, setting the tone early and inviting a response. Of course, being a brat doesn’t automatically mean you’re submissive—you can absolutely be a brat while still holding the power. Bratting is about attitude and play style, and there's no one-size-fits-all. The possibilities are endless, but knowing why you're doing it and how you want your partner to engage is the perfect place to start. It's all about discovering what feels hot, safe, and satisfying for you. 

Interacting with a brat: tips for dominants

Brats can throw some Dominants off balance, especially if you're more familiar with obedience than saucy resistance. But the goal isn't to squash the brat's energy; it's to meet it with intentionality, creativity, and control that's as playful as it is firm.

Be curious, not reactive

"Brats are a very challenging group to deal with," explains Lola Jean, who identifies as a brat herself, "because [they] can bring out a lot of insecurities in the tamer that a lot of people aren’t ready to deal with. If the [tamer] isn't equipped to be curious about the brat's experience, or if they become triggered and resort to aggression or needing to be in control, that can damage the dynamic."

Brats push back to provoke a response, but that doesn't mean you need to power-trip. Instead of reacting with frustration, anchor yourself. Meet their defiance with deliberate calm, a raised eyebrow, a smirk. The confidence to stay playful while holding your ground is often more effective than any threat or punishment.

Get to know what kind of brat you're playing with

Not all brats want the same kind of attention, or the same consequences. "The key for brat play is understanding the motivations of the brat,” says Lola. “What are they looking for from their partner when they brat?"

Some brats thrive on physicality and punishment. Others want attention, emotional engagement, or to challenge authority without being shut down. When you know what your brat really wants, be it aftercare, control, or containment, you can calibrate your response accordingly.

Don't mistake control for constant correction

“The big thing brats push up against is people who get into BDSM or domming just to play with control,” says Lola. “A lot of the time, it’s rooted in insecurity. Someone who isn’t fully secure in their dominance feels threatened or off-balance, and their instinct is to shut it down immediately.” 

Instead, she encourages confidence: “Let the scene come to you. Let the scene live and breathe. You don’t have to own every single tiny little moment of it, because then you’re not allowing for enough self-expression.”

Create scenes together

It might look like a battle of wills, but brat dynamics only work when both partners feel engaged, respected, and turned on. "Ask your top what they enjoy and don't enjoy," says Lola. "How can we get a fulfilling experience for both of us—not just one of us?"

Talk to your brat, too. Ask what kinds of control excite them, what punishments feel sexy, and what kind of pushback feels playful versus overwhelming. The more clarity you both have, the more room you'll have to play.

Want more ideas on scene planning, power moves, and how to handle your brat just right? Check out our guide on the art of taming a brat (including strategies for Dominants) for creative, consent-forward ways to take control without killing the fun.

Cultural perception and acceptance of the brat role

Despite being a well-established role in kink, brats remain one of the most polarizing. Within the BDSM community, they're often adored or avoided—sometimes both at once. Lola notes that brats frequently get a bad reputation: "Some people say, 'I'll play with anyone but brats.' While we're allowed to have our preferences, it perpetuates this [idea] that brats are difficult, and that play with them is not as fun [as a result] because it is difficult and challenging for what it brings out in the other person." 

In reality, those who label brats as "difficult" are often experiencing their own discomfort with a style of play that challenges assumptions about power. Brats don't just surrender—they resist, flirt with control, and poke holes in the fantasy of absolute dominance. For some partners, that's thrilling. For others, it's confronting. As Lola puts it, "Brats are challenging because they can bring out a lot of insecurities in the tamer." Especially if a Dominant equates control with constant compliance, bratting can feel like rebellion rather than connection.

But that tension is the point. Brats thrive on pushing back in ways that are intentional, intimate, and often quite vulnerable. When that resistance is misunderstood, the connection risks collapsing into frustration or miscommunication. When it's embraced, though, brat play becomes a dance of push and pull, trust and challenge, sass and surrender.

Mainstream culture doesn't help much. When brat behavior does show up in the media, it's usually flattened into tropes: the "tease," the "spoiled princess," the "difficult woman." Rarely do we see the emotional intelligence, strategic play, or deep trust that underpins actual brat dynamics. Instead of portraying brats as thoughtful participants in a consensual power exchange, they're often framed as manipulative or immature.

This misperception can leak into the kink world, too. "Some brats who don't like pain or who only [brat] to get the reaction they want, run into issues—because the assumption is that all brats want punishment," Lola explains. But bratting isn't a monolith. It can be about attention, care, the emotional push and pull, or simply the thrill of testing limits. The desire to break rules doesn't mean a desire to break trust.

At its heart, bratting is about self-expression. As Lola says, "Brat play can be an identity or a part of someone's persona—a way to be bold, cheeky, and a little defiant. It’s part of mine and how I assert my autonomy and how I explore trust. BDSM gives us a contained environment to safely express that. With BDSM play, things get negotiated more in sex, but it's not just about sex or intimacy.“

And that's the irony: while brats are sometimes viewed as rule breakers, they're often actually playing by a deeper set of rules—ones rooted in mutual awareness, flirtatious friction, and emotional nuance. It just doesn't always look like submission. And that's kind of the point.

So, if there’s one piece of advice Lola swears by when it comes to brat play, it’s this: "Brat play takes time—[make] time to think, talk, negotiate, and even journal to really understand what it means to you."

Bratting isn’t something you just jump into—it requires intentionality and openness. Whether you're a brat, a tamer, or just curious, the foundation of a healthy brat/tamer relationship is clear communication, mutual respect, and consent. When you take the time to understand each other’s boundaries and desires, play becomes safer, deeper, and way more fun.

Feeling seen? Download Feeld to connect with a community that gets it—chat, play, explore, and define your own rules… or break them. We’re not here to judge.