There are many ways someone can experience attraction. Sexuality and romantic attraction—or a lack of it—is an individual experience, and new words for the ways someone experiences desire are helpful for describing it to others and helping to distinguish our own attraction.
Understanding the spectrum of human sexual and romantic identity starts by being able to familiarize ourselves with the ever-evolving vocabulary around the topic. You can find out more about many common and lesser-known terms in our glossary, and in this article, we’ll look at what it means to be cupioromantic.
In a nutshell, what is the definition of the word cupioromantic? Is it the feeling of desiring a romantic relationship while not necessarily feeling a romantic attraction to a person? If that sounds familiar, or you’re just wondering how it works, we’re here to explain.
What does it mean to be cupioromantic?
Someone who identifies as cupioromantic likes the idea of a romantic relationship, but doesn’t feel much, if any, romantic attraction to other people. Being cupioromantic is similar to being aromantic, and is sometimes described as a subset of aromanticism. Aromantic people don’t experience romantic attraction in the traditional sense, and cupioromantics don’t either—but the key difference is that cupioromantic people desire the structure of a romantic relationship without feeling romantic love. People who identify as being on the aromantic or asexual spectrum sometimes call these subcategories micro-labels or micro-identities.
What is cupioromantic?
A cupioromantic person desires romantic relationships but does not experience romantic attraction. This means they might want the companionship, intimacy, and emotional connection often associated with romance without feeling that “spark” that grows into romantic attraction and love. The word comes from the Latin prefix “cupio” which means “to desire” or “I desire.”
Cupioromantic and aromantic people can and do feel sexual desire (the term for people who don’t feel sexual attraction to others, but like the idea of a sexual relationship, is cupiosexual). These identities shouldn’t be confused with being asexual—romantic and sexual attraction do go hand in hand for many people, but they are distinct feelings that can be experienced separately.
Cupioromanticism falls within the aromantic spectrum. Aromantic people don’t experience romantic attraction, and may not want to enter into relationships that look like a romantic union. Being cupioromantic, on the other hand, means that you like the idea of such a relationship and may want to be in one for reasons other than romantic love. The desire for a long-term companion, the reliability and comfort of a relationship, a deep friendship, or wanting to create a family structure to have children are all reasons other than romance that someone might seek out a relationship.
Cupioromantic vs aromantic: Understanding the difference
Neither cupioromantic or aromantic people feel romantic attraction, but as we’ve explained, the key difference is the desire for a relationship that cupioromantic people feel. Aromantic people generally don’t desire or want to be in romantic relationships, as they don’t experience romantic attraction, and don’t find the idea of a consistent partner appealing. In contrast, cupioromantic individuals might actively pursue or enjoy romantic partnerships despite lacking romantic attraction to their partner. While they don’t feel the romantic chemistry that alloromantic people (those who experience romantic attraction) do, they still enjoy being in a relationship and will have positive feelings toward their partner.
The distinction lies in the relationship between attraction and desire. Aromanticism implies the absence of romantic attraction and desire, but cupioromanticism means a desire to be in a relationship for its benefits, like companionship and shared experiences, while not experiencing romantic attraction.
Even among alloromantic and allosexual people (people who feel sexual desire), levels of desire and attraction vary from person to person. Romantic and sexual attraction don’t always equate to a desire to be in a relationship, and vice versa—someone’s choice of partner might be based on other factors than romance, like a sense of deep friendship as well as a “spark.” The fundamental point is that human desire is a complex and varied thing, and cupioromanticism is just one of a multitude of ways people experience it.
Common misconceptions about cupioromantic identity
Is cupioromantic valid?
Some assume that a desire for romance must inherently involve romantic attraction. But this ignores the real-life experiences of many people who find themselves interested in the idea of a romantic relationship, while not experiencing the attraction and love that people associate with traditional ideas of a relationship. The idea of cupioromanticism chimes with many people who feel a disconnect in their desire for a relationship and the attraction they feel to others, so it’s as valid as any other romantic or sexual identity. There’s no catch-all descriptor for how people experience romance and the desire for it, which is why these micro-labels are important to widen our understanding.
On Reddit’s asexual subreddit, many users discuss the cupioromantic identity and how it helped them understand themselves better. “The first thing I actually posted here was me questioning why I don't fall in love even though I would like to have a romantic relationship,” said one user, who later discovered the cupioromantic identity.
Can cupioromantic people fall in love?
While cupioromantic people might not experience romantic attraction, they can still form deep, meaningful bonds that feel similar to love. These bonds may be based on shared experiences, emotional intimacy, or mutual respect, rather than traditional notions of romantic attraction. Sometimes cupioromantics are referred to as “romance-favorable” within the aromantic and asexual communities, as many are open to being in a relationship or actively want one.
Sexual vs. romantic orientation
Another misconception conflates sexual and romantic orientations. Cupioromanticism specifically refers to romantic feelings and desires, and doesn’t imply anything about someone’s sexual identity. Cupioromantic—and aromantic—people can feel sexual attraction, and usually experience this as a separate entity to their capacity for and interest in romance.
Relationships and cupioromantic identity
On a forum post on asexuality.org, one user described the disconnect between the desire for a relationship and feeling romantic love. “I definitely don't have a romantic attraction to people,” they said. “But, what counts as wanting to have a romantic relationship? I want to fall in love… But I don't connect that love to things like romantic dinners, or kissing, or any of the typical ‘romantic’ things.”
Some people might struggle to understand that the desire for a relationship can exist without romantic attraction. If one partner is alloromantic, they may find the idea that their partner isn’t romantically attracted specifically to them difficult, or take it personally, because cupioromanticism is so different to how they experience romantic attraction. It’s important to understand what cupioromanticism means and to ensure both parties are happy to enter into a relationship where one of them may not be able to reciprocate romantic feelings.
A cupioromantic relationship will probably be based more on friendship, shared goals, mutual respect, and enjoyment of each other’s company than romantic love. A cupioromantic person might find joy in the safety and structure of the relationship rather than the notion of being with a specific person, but this doesn’t make it any less valid.
How to support and validate cupioromantic individuals
If someone you know identifies as cupiosexual, it’s vital to accept and validate that that’s how they feel comfortable identifying. Alloromantic and allosexual people may not be aware of the micro-identities within the aromantic spectrum, and that’s okay—as long as you’re willing to listen and learn.Supporting someone who identifies as cupioromantic is all about respecting their identity and being there for them in a way that feels right for them. As with any healthy relationship, you can support a cupioromantic partner by:
- Listening without judgment. When they share their experience, try to really listen. Instead of assuming, ask, “What does being cupioromantic mean to you?” This helps you understand their perspective without jumping to conclusions.
- Respecting their relationship choices. They may want a relationship, but not for the traditional romantic reasons. Acknowledge that their desire for companionship or other kinds of connection is just as valid as romantic love.
- Being open and curious. If you're unsure, ask how you can support them. A simple, “How can I be a good ally for you?” can go a long way in showing you’re willing to learn.
- Affirming their experience. Saying things like, “I respect how you feel,” or “I’m glad you shared that with me,” helps cupioromantics feel heard and validated.
As well as things that are helpful to do, there are a few things you might want to avoid:
- Don’t diminish their feelings. Avoid comments like “You’ll change your mind,” or “Everyone feels that way.” These can make them feel misunderstood or dismissed.
- Don’t assume what they want in a relationship. A cupioromantic person might want a romantic relationship, but without the typical romantic attraction. Don’t assume their desires look the same as traditional relationships.
- Don’t pressure them to explain themselves. If they’re not ready to dive deep into their identity or explain everything, respect that. Let them define their experience in their own time.
Cupioromantic in the broader context of LGBTQ+ identities
Can cupioromantic people be lesbians or LGBTQ+? Yes! As we’ve explained, cupioromanticism doesn’t imply anything about someone’s sexual desire, so a person can be sexually attracted to any gender while also being cupioromantic. Additionally, it’s widely accepted by most queer and LGBTQ+ advocacy groups that asexuality and aromanticism fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella.
Of course, how closely someone identifies with the wider LGBTQ+ community is up to them—some aromantic and asexual people might find any attraction they do have is toward the opposite sex, so they don’t identify as queer. But aromantic and cupioromantic lesbians, gay, bisexual, and pansexual people absolutely exist. Someone may have a romantic or sexual preference for the same or all genders, but experience low levels of attraction, or romantic without sexual attraction (and vice versa). So it makes sense to them to identify as being on the asexual or aromantic spectrum as well as lesbian, gay, bi, or any other sexual orientation.
Being cupiosexual is just one of the many ways people experience desire, and highlights the diversity of human sexual and romantic identity. Terms like cupiosexual, that fall under a wider descriptor, are useful for people whose experience has nuances that can’t be explained by broader terms. There are countless ways to have fulfilling relationships, and no one structure is superior to another. Communication is key to understanding and widening our knowledge.
