What does it mean to be in a situationship?

Situationships are a topic of contention alright. Coined by the journalist Carina Hsieh in 2017, when dating apps were on the rise, the term speaks to that gray area between hooking up and being in a committed relationship: when things are more serious than the former, but more casual than the latter (and beyond that, it’s anyone’s guess).

Since we found a word for them, many folks have considered situationships as inherently negative things: a set-up where one person wants commitment, and another person is eluding it, causing confusion and insecurity. But others have reclaimed the term as a low-pressure kind of connection that can be healthy and fulfilling—so long as everyone’s on the same page. And there’s evidence to suggest that more young people are actively seeking some version of a situationship today. 

So what does a situationship look like in practice? What makes a healthy or unhealthy one? And if yours just isn’t serving you—how the hell do you get out of one? With the help of sex and relationships therapist Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, let’s talk about it.

What is a situationship?

Like committed relationships, a situationship might involve sex, dating, or hanging out, varying degrees of emotional connection, and any other kinds of intimacy. But it falls short at being clearly defined or consistent in much. 

Perhaps those involved haven’t agreed “what they are,” or talked about future plans. They might not be moving in a linear way towards certain relationship “milestones,” or expecting as much from one another vis-a-vis, say, time and support. It may be one-sided, meaning one person wants more. Or it may fulfill the needs of both people.

There are no rules around how long a situationship can last. It could be anywhere from a few weeks, to a few months, or even a year plus. How long you should be in a situationship depends on how well it’s serving you. And that’s for you to decide.

What’s the difference between a situationship and a relationship?

First off, situationships are a kind of relationship. But let’s talk about the implied differences when people use these terms colloquially.

Relationships and situationships—both umbrella terms in their own right—look different to everyone. Whether or not they’re fulfilling or frustrating really depends on the people and needs in the mix. So if both can involve a lot of the same things—like sex, emotional connection, and quality time together—then how do you know which one you’re in?

Relationships 

• Relationships—at least considering the term as it's often used in comparison to “situationship”—inherently imply a mutual commitment. They might involve clear and public labels, whether that’s being a “girlfriend,” “boyfriend,” or “partner” to one another. 
• You might establish clear boundaries for how you sexually and romantically interact with others: maybe you’re monogamous, ethically non-monogamous, or something else. 
• You might plan, to varying degrees, for the future: maybe you talk about going on trips, buying a pet, living together, or having a kid someday.
• You might integrate into one another’s lives: hang out with each other’s friends and families, say, or keep things at each other’s house.

Situationships 

• Situationships might feel a lot looser—maybe you haven’t talked about, or have talked about and decided you don’t want, a “label.”
• They exist in more of an of-the-moment state of mind, rather than a linear progression towards future “milestones.” 
• They might be inconsistent. Maybe you don’t know when you’re going to see or hear from someone next, and vice versa.
• Obligations to one another might be ill-defined. Maybe there are no rules or expectations around how often you see each other, or whether you date other people.
• Things might be based on convenience. Maybe you only connect when you’re in the same place, or when you have some spare time on your hands.

There are other terms for casual relationships that get thrown around, too, of course. Some might consider what’s often called “the talking stage” as a kind of situationship: that early period where you’re texting someone a lot, dipping your toe in, testing the waters…but supposedly not dating dating (yet). Or the classic “friends with benefits”—a hook-up dynamic built on mutual care and respect, which might involve friendship, or at least other forms of social interaction, too. 

At the end of day, these are all broad-brush terms with a lot of overlap and inadequacies. So pick whatever resonates with you, and disregard what doesn’t.

Is a situationship healthy?

Like we said, a situationship is still a relationship. And all relationships have the potential to be healthy or unhealthy, depending on how they make you feel. “If there’s confusion, insecurity, a mismatch of desire, and an overall lack of communication, then that’s unhealthy,” says sex and relationships therapist Rafaella Smith-Fiallo. “But if whatever you’ve got going on has boundaries and clear expectations, where you both know what it is, and you feel calm and at peace, then great.” 

After all, rich, fulfilling intimacy and connection can come in many shapes and forms—and there are valid reasons why people might prefer loosely structured, lower pressure set-ups. But there’s a big asterisk here, which is that everyone needs to be up front about what they want from one another, and communicate it with care and compassion. 

Beware of the one-sided situationship

Like in any kind of relationship, a lack of clear communication can cause confusion and insecurity. Especially when one person is looking for more—but the other person is eluding it. Enter the one-sided situationship.

“Maybe someone’s giving you these pops of energy that makes you feel so seen and loved,” describes Smith-Fiallo, “but then it keeps dropping off, and you’re like, ‘wait, what?’” This is also known as “breadcrumbing.”

If you’re the person who wants commitment, it’s easy to hang around, hoping things might change, but this can be harmful to your happiness and self-esteem. So if you find yourself on the wrong side of a one-sided situationship, it’s important to advocate for yourself. If someone can’t give you what you need, it might be time to walk away.

“We give our power away in relationships by having the other person always make the choice—by just waiting for them to choose us, instead of knowing that we can also choose,” says Smith-Fiallo. “We can have so much more fun when we can really own up to what it is that we're feeling and wanting. And, if that differs from the other person, we can honor them by letting them go.”

Do situationships have rules?

Whether you’re calling it a situationship, a casual relationship, friends with benefits, or something else—yes, there are rules for keeping low-commitment intimacy healthy and happy. So let’s get into it.

1. Know what you want

It’s okay to want commitment. It’s okay to not want commitment. It’s okay to change your mind as time goes on, too. But to find a fulfilling arrangement, first you have to be “radically honest and authentic with yourself about what you really want,” says Smith-Fiallo. 

Try thinking up a list of priorities in your romantic relationship(s). Then plan how you’re going to honor it. How much or little time are you looking to spend with your partner(s)? How much emotional investment are you looking for versus sex? How much or little are you looking to integrate into someone else’s life? How free do you want to be to explore other connections (and vice versa)?

“Be open to evaluating and reevaluating the situation,” adds Smith-Fiallo. “Keep checking in with yourself, like, ‘how am I feeling now? Has anything changed?’ Because it's easy to settle into something and just not look up.”

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate

Don’t expect your partner to guess your intentions based on “signals” you are or aren’t giving out. And if you feel confused about their intentions, don’t think your only choice is to read their mind. 

We know: Vulnerability is hard. “Especially in cis-het relationships, or relationships where there’s some type of power imbalance,” Smith-Fiallo adds. “Women are often taught they’re not supposed to be clingy or needy—and that expressing needs can make us less desirable.” But there is power in direct communication. 

So be clear about what you want. Be curious and inquisitive about what your partner wants. And keep checking in with one another every now and then as time goes on. 

…Like, “Hey, I’m really enjoying what we’ve got going on here—I like that we can connect and have fun together while keeping things non-committal. How are you feeling about it?” 

Or, “Hey, I’m having a great time with you. But I’m starting to think I’m looking for something more committed. Where’s your head at?”

3. Treat each other with care and respect. Always.

There’s a sad misconception that if you’re not in a committed relationship with someone, you don’t “owe” each other anything. But that’s not true. Situationships are still relationships. “All relationships should be treated seriously,” says Smith-Fiallo.

She advises to ask yourself: “‘Is everyone moving with love and attention and care?’ Of course, she adds, “it doesn’t have to be about being in love. But there should be love—like I want my friends, coworkers, even people I meet on the street to show me love! So we definitely shouldn’t settle for less than that from people we date or have sex with. No matter how ‘casual’ it is.”

Do exclusive situationships exist?

Situationships are still a relatively new concept, and, as we’ve covered, people interpret the word in different ways. If you want to choose elements of more casual set-ups that work for you (like fewer obligations to one another, or non-linear progression) and combine them with elements more typical of committed relationships (like exclusivity), there’s no reason why you can’t. As always, it’s just a case of communicating clearly about it, and ensuring everyone’s on the same page.

Can a situationship turn into a relationship?

It can happen. Maybe things started casually, but now you’ve caught feelings: the connection has deepened, you’re starting to picture some kind of future together, and you want them to meet your mom. No surprises what the advice is here: Communicate.

Say something like: “Hey. I’m having fun with you. I’d love to think this has potential to progress to [insert the kind of relationship you’re looking for]. What do you think?” (It’s a good time to state whether you’d be looking for something monogamous, if you are, and anything else that’s important to you.) 

What isn’t advised, though, is to wait around hoping for a situationship to turn into a relationship if the other person is demonstrating a reluctance to it. The bottom line is, if you’re feeling confused, insecure, and uneasy about what you mean to someone, then—as Smith-Fiallo said—it’s not a healthy dynamic to stay in. And it’s important to try to protect yourself.

For further reading, check out Feeld columnist Mimi Zhu on championing honesty in situationships.

How do you end a situationship?

Be direct. It could be as simple as telling them, “I’ve had fun with you, but I’m in a different space now,” says Smith-Fiallo. It may be nice to have the conversation in person, depending on the nature of your relationship. And be compassionate: honor your own boundaries, while also holding space for—and being open to talking about—any feelings that come up for your partner.

We know it can be tempting to let a situationship just…fade out. To stop texting someone, stop being available to meet up, possibly even ghost them altogether. But when you communicate, you’re allowing closure for both of you.

You can still be friends after ending a situationship. You might agree to continue talking or hanging out in a more platonic way. But it’s also valid to want a clean break—especially if there’s risk of one-sided sexual or romantic feelings getting in the way.

How to move on from a situationship

It’s valid to grieve. We repeat: Situationships are relationships. “We can grieve what was—maybe you were going on cool dates, buying gifts, being vulnerable,” says Smith-Fiallo. “But we can also grieve what never was: we can grieve what we thought or hoped would come to be. There is nothing silly or weak about that.”

Find friends who can understand. “Try to reach out to people who hold space for the reality of what you feel—instead of dismissing it, because the relationship was casual,” says Smith-Fiallo. “Find the folks who can give you a safe and supportive space to just let loose and really process.”

Reflect on what you learnt. “Ask yourself, ‘in the future, what would I want to do differently?’” Maybe it’s about what you do or don’t want in your next relationship; whether the situationship life has served you, or if it’s a set-up to avoid next time. Maybe you learnt something about how you can be a better partner, or better honor yourself.

Ultimately, the only person who knows what kind of relationship style works for you is you. Never think you need to follow the traditional, linear relationship scripts if they’re not the best fit for you. At the same time, if you want that commitment and stability, honor it—and don’t settle for people who confuse you or can’t meet your needs.  

There are so many ways to connect in this world. There are so many people to connect with. Whatever you’re looking for, it’s out there. And Feeld is here to help you find it.