A dating guide for recently out lesbians

Whether you're discovering your sexuality for the first time or stepping into a long-awaited reality, exploring your first same-gender relationship can be exciting, daunting, empowering, and everything in between, with lots of uncertainty and new things to learn. From where to meet and how to flirt with a lesbian to navigating sexual firsts, we've got you covered. 

What to expect from your first lesbian experience

It's important to remember that there's no one way to approach a relationship, especially when you're queer. As Erica Smith M.Ed, a sex educator specializing in queer sex education, says: "One of the best things about being queer is that we get to design our relationships outside of societal scripts and norms. There is no one-size-fits-all queer relationship." 

Whether you just have crushes, are casually dating, or getting into a relationship we’ve enlisted Feeld Members to share their insights on lesbian experiences to give you a taste of things you may encounter along the way:

• Increased emotional intensity: Lesbian relationships are often characterized as being deeply emotional and intense, sometimes more than what you might expect or have experienced before. This is sometimes referred to, in a jokey or meme-ified way, as "U-Hauling" or the "urge to merge," to describe a common tendency for quick and profound emotional connections. 
  
• A journey to self-discovery: Don't rush to figure everything out immediately. Maggie, 33, reflects on societal pressure, saying, "Don't be hard on yourself. I promise you're enough, whoever you are or however you identify, the people worth being around will want you around." Take your time, communicate openly with your partner, and remember—there's no rush to label or understand everything at once.
  
• Platonic connections: You might find that some connections feel more platonic than you anticipated. Not every relationship needs to be intensely sexual. Many are grounded in companionship and emotional support. Steffi, 39, shares, "With a few women, I am friends now because it was okay for us to not have a sexual vibe but still liked each other." It's perfectly valid for deep friendships to evolve from romantic connections, and that's something to embrace rather than stress over.
  
• Falling for friends: It's a stereotype that many lesbians fall for their best friends, but just like with any friendship, romantic feelings can and do develop over the course of a platonic relationship. This can be challenging, so it's important to manage your expectations and communicate openly to see if they are on the same page. "Keep your friends close because they are the key to life,” advises Alana, 27. “Avoid dating friends or having casual sex with them because it very rarely ends well." Setting clear boundaries from the beginning can help prevent heartache and maintain healthy relationships.

First-time lesbian sex: What you need to know

While your first time being intimate with a woman might be an incredible, life-changing experience, offering deep affirmation of your sexuality, it’s also totally normal if it doesn't feel that way, and it doesn’t mean that anyone is doing "it" wrong. First or early experiences of sex can be very awkward, fumbly or underwhelming. Sometimes, sex is just "okay," and it might even present more confusion than clarity. With so much to explore—physically and emotionally—it’s normal to feel a mix of excitement and uncertainty. So before diving into the pleasures of fingers, tongues, lips, toys, straps—take a moment to breathe and embrace whatever happens.

It's completely natural to experience a mix of emotions, especially if queer relationships are new to you. Everybody and every body is different, so what feels good for one person might not work for another. While there’s no one-size-fits-all guide to having great lesbian sex complete with mind-blowing orgasms, there are some key tips to help ensure it’s a positive, consensual experience for both of you.

Go at your own pace
Feeling emotionally and physically ready before anything happens is important, but sometimes you won’t know for sure until the moment arrives—and that’s okay. It’s less about having everything figured out beforehand and more about being open to what feels right in the moment. Trust yourself to go at your own pace, whether you feel fully prepared or are discovering things as they unfold.

As G, 32, shared, "I was nervous that I wouldn't know what to do, and I didn't, but they did, and they were patient with me."

Not knowing what to do is perfectly okay. "The first time I spent the night with a woman, we didn’t have sex,” says Kat, 43. “But we fooled around a lot. It was mind-blowing and felt like something finally clicked."

Communicate with your partner
A lot of people worry about making sure their partner is happy. Clear communication is always the solution. "Try not to be too nervous; it's meant to be fun and enjoyable.” says Alana. “Make sure you pick a partner who respects your boundaries. Be open and communicate what you like, and ask the other person to do the same. If you are both open and honest about your likes, you will both have a much more positive experience!"

"It’s more important to be open than to act like you know what you’re doing,” says Maggie, 33. “Everyone has different preferences—ask her what she likes! For me, asking for permission doesn’t ruin the mood; it can be really sexy."

Tam, 30, mentioned, "I pretended I had more experience than I did and only told her later it was my first time. Be upfront but confident—it’s all part of figuring out what you like." Another Feeld Member shared, "We kept laughing while figuring out each other's bodies. The humor made it sweet and loving."

Take the pressure off—and have fun with it!
Everyone starts somewhere. No one expects perfection the first time. As Erica puts it, "My best advice is to remember that we are all beginners at some time, and that you don't have to apologize for your lack of queer sexual experience." It’s totally okay to feel like you’re still figuring things out.

Kat shared, "I had no idea what I was doing, and it was the worst sex of my life! Ha! But, in the end, it felt natural." Another added, "It was awkward, but the intimacy made it beautiful."

The truth is, practice makes perfect. As you get to know each other better and learn what you both like and don’t like, sex naturally improves. Naomi, 33, shared her experience: "The first time I had sex with a woman, we kept our clothes on and both reached orgasm. I was nervous I’d do something wrong, but we connected deeply—it was profound."

So, if your first time isn’t perfect, don’t worry. It’s rarely smooth for anyone, and as your connection grows, so will the experience!

Help! I don’t know how to flirt with a lesbian

Here’s a secret about flirting that shouldn’t stay secret: it’s really just talking. Flirting with anyone is all  about showing genuine interest—asking questions, keeping the conversation going, and listening attentively. Sure, there are common indicators of attraction such as paying compliments, holding eye contact, light touches and playful teasing.

But flirting can be tricky, especially when trying to navigate queer spaces where friendship and romantic interest might blur. Despite all the decoding of body language and subtle gestures, the most reliable way to know if someone likes you is to ask them directly. As Erica puts it, "When in doubt, be direct! 'Hey, I think you're really cute and amazing. Would you like to go out sometime?' is a great way to ask."

With this in mind, let’s go over a few dos and don’ts for flirting as a newly out lesbian:

Do:

• Be upfront about your feelings. For many people, directness is appealing, and it helps clear up any confusion. It doesn’t need to be a huge build up. Try casually asking them out and be clear that you mean as more than friends. 
  
• Compliment respectfully. Mention something you genuinely like about her—whether it's her style, energy, or sense of humor. It's a great way to start a conversation.
  
• Give her space to respond. Allow her time to process your feelings without putting on pressure. Respecting her space is key to healthy flirting.

Don't:

• Play games or make her guess how you feel. Queer spaces value honesty, and mixed signals can be frustrating.
  
• Make assumptions based on stereotypes or body language. Direct communication is more effective than trying to interpret subtle cues.
  
• Stress about whether you're "doing it right." Flirting should be fun! Be yourself, and as Erica says, manage your expectations. Whether it leads to a date or not, each experience helps you learn and grow.

How to meet other lesbians

Meeting other lesbians might seem daunting at first, but there are plenty of ways to connect online and in person. Erica suggests exploring queer events and group activities, such as LGBTQ+ sports leagues or going to gigs of queer artists. "Gay bars are a great place to meet people, but so are activities that don't involve booze. And of course, there are many apps for women who want to date women, including Feeld!"

When it comes to finding local opportunities, Feeld Members recommend various activities. Alana, for instance, highlights the value of engaging in LGBTQ+ events like volunteering at Pride, or local book clubs and other groups. 

Similarly, Harley suggests "attending in-person queer events, especially if they involve sex as a topic or activity." In the UK, there are G.IRL events hosted regularly in London and other cities such as Manchester, which aim to bring queer women and non-binary people together. There are also a bunch of queer events for women throughout the US, from Girls in Wonderland to She Fest. And, of course, we run Feeld events, too. With a bunch of locations to choose from, our Experiences are designed for members to take it offline and connect IRL.

It's all about putting yourself out there and finding spaces where you feel comfortable and excited to connect.

Late in life lesbian? Your journey begins now

"So many later-in-life lesbians feel bad for being out late, and this can lead them to feel like imposters in the queer world," says Erica. "It doesn't matter how long it took you to come out, you are no less queer because you came out at 50 than if you came out at 15. Queerness is who you inherently are inside. There is no queer hierarchy. Remember that everyone starts somewhere, and that you absolutely belong in queer community."

Many women share that their later-in-life coming-out experiences have been deeply transformative. Some talk about regret over lost time, while others emphasize the joy and freedom of finally living as their authentic selves. One Feeld Member reflected: "I feel like the person I used to be was just this fake version I'd created, but I really believed she was real for so long...I had imposter syndrome at first and grief for the life I could have had if I'd known. And acceptance and gratitude because where I am now is fucking awesome. Just be. Live in the moment, be present, and accept yourself as you are right now. You get to start over and be anyone you want!"

Susan, 54, who came out at 50, offers this simple yet empowering advice: "Be brave, do it scared. It's always a good time to be yourself. Start dating, see how it feels, and the rest will follow."

Building a support system, finding friends within the queer community, and seeking out advice from others who've gone through similar experiences can make all the difference. While the challenges may be real, so is the opportunity to create a new chapter filled with love, connection, and self-acceptance.

How to tell if your crush is also into women

It's totally normal to be curious about someone's sexual orientation, especially if you have a crush or are starting to develop feelings for them. But remember, nobody owes you that information. The only way to truly know if someone is queer, and whether or not they are interested, is if they choose to tell you. Or, if you ask them.

Trying to figure out someone's sexuality by reading into their behavior or appearance can be tricky and might lead to awkward situations. And to state the obvious, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. There are many different lesbian identities that may choose to present themselves in a certain way. Instead, focus on building a genuine connection based on shared interests and mutual respect. Sexual orientation is personal, and everyone comes out in their own time and way.

That said, some people use subtle signals—known as "flagging"—to express their identity, especially in the queer community. For example, the "femme-icure" is a manicure style where most nails are long, except for the middle and pointer fingers, which are kept short. This is often used to signal that this is someone who is into other women.

Creating a safe and welcoming space can encourage them to open up, but remember, it should always be their choice to share, and should never be forced. Not everyone uses these signals, and even if they do, it's not a surefire way to know someone's orientation.

Embracing your journey as a first-time or recently-out lesbian is both exciting and transformative. There's no one right way to be queer, and your path is yours to create. Remember to communicate openly, respect your boundaries, and seek out connections that enrich your life.

Your journey is unique and valid. Whether you're exploring new relationships, finding your community, or learning more about yourself, take pride in who you are and the path you're on.

Explore connections and find your community on Feeld.