What is fluid bonding, and what can it teach us about mutual care?

Disclaimer: Official health advice states to practice safer sex by utilizing a barrier method with casual partners, and when sexually involved with multiple partners. Always ensure you are regularly undergoing sexual health testing (recommended every three months) and utilizing a form of contraception, where applicable. For more information, you can access resources like BHOC, where you’ll find further guidance on safer sex.

As a sex and relationships writer, my social circle is filled with people involved in intimacy-adjacent spaces. So, it will come as no surprise that one of my friends works for a sexual health non-profit. What you might not expect is that, catching up over coffee, he explained one of the hardest parts of his job: trying to hand out condoms. Quite simply, nobody wants them. 

A World Health Organization report, published last year, highlighted an “alarming” eight-year decline in condom use among adolescents: falling from 70% to 61% in young men, and 63% to 57% among young women between 2014 and 2022. Of course, again, as a sex writer, I’m always beseeching my readers (aka people on the internet searching “how to finger someone”) to have safer sex and to embrace protective barriers like condoms or dental dams. 

But there’s a large disconnect between what the official recommendation is, and what happens in practice. Enter: the delightfully graphic “fluid bonding,” a specific term used in the polyamorous and ENM community (where conversations around sexual protocol can become—let’s be honest— extremely granular) to describe barrier-free sex.

Barrier-free sex

Despite the best efforts of sex educators, we all know that plenty of people—whether we admit it openly or not—are still hitting it raw. 

In queer communities, we can see why condoms might feel less popular than before—after all, with increased access to PrEP and PEP, condoms aren’t the only form of protection against HIV. There’s also DoxyPEP which, once rolled out, promises to drastically reduce the risk of bacterial sexual infections. 

For those whose primary concern is avoiding unplanned pregnancy, there are a range of long-term hormonal contraception options which some people may opt for over traditional barriers (like condoms, diaphragms, and sponges). In short, when it comes to taking control of our sexual health and reproductive agency, there are more options than ever before. 

To paint a wider picture of how individuals approach sexual health, we need to grapple with the fact that so much of the discussion around safer sex hinges on casual sex. (Many people will automatically defer to using barrier methods with casual partners). But what about sex with a recurring partner?

Naturally, agreements around sexual health vary when it comes to more regular arrangements. Within monogamous relationships, the risk of contracting new STIs is, naturally, hugely reduced. In that instance, people may choose to forego barriers—especially if both partners have been tested at a sexual health clinic before committing to sexual exclusivity, and if pregnancy risk is managed through hormonal contraception.

But in polyamorous and non-monogamous dynamics, these kinds of choices need to be addressed openly and transparently—so that everyone involved can make informed decisions about their own practices. The concept of fluid bonding helps us to better approach this. 

What is fluid bonding?

Fluid bonding: the agreement to engage in barrier-free sexual activities, involving communication about sexual health, testing, and boundaries. Used particularly in the context of polyamorous and consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships.

Often, fluid bonding requires a level of trust within a polyamorous or non-monogamous connection. It’s about assuming the physical and health risks that may come with sharing bodily fluids—semen, vaginal secretions, menstrual blood, saliva—and taking accountability for sexual health. 

For many people, there may be a level of exclusivity to fluid bonding, meaning you might only undertake the practice with one partner or within a closed polycule (where everyone is only sexually intimate within the group).

Some people may practice fluid bonding exclusively with their primary or nesting partner, and use barriers with secondary partners. But this doesn’t mean that fluid bonded or barrier-free sex is more intimate or "special" than sex using barrier methods.

Regardless of the specific conditions of your fluid bonding agreement, the terms often entail radical honesty—including speaking openly about any risks, concerns, and boundaries. Importantly, if you decide to start fluid bonding with one partner, let your other partners know so that they can make informed decisions about their own practices, too. And ensure you’re aware of all your partners’ fluid bonded statuses with others.

What can fluid bonding teach us? Safer sex as mutual care

Polyamory gives us so much to work with in terms of reconceptualizing how we think about sex and relationships.

Perhaps it’s useful to take the framework of fluid bonding—which is often underscored by intimacy, connection, and vulnerability—and extend it to the wider safer sex conversation at large. 

After all, we often think of sexual health in terms of obligation, as if it’s a chore. In actuality, however, it’s an act of commitment to ourselves, as well as anyone we share our body with—a way of looking after ourselves and those who we are intimate with, no matter for how long or how little.  

For some people, particularly individuals who may be living with HIV, sexual health disclosure can come with a fear of stigma, rejection, or even violence. When potential sexual partners open up to us in this way, no matter how it impacts our sexual decisions thereafter, it’s an important act of mutual respect and trust.

How to stay safe when fluid bonding: Sexual health best practice in polyamory and beyond

So, how do you look after your sexual health, especially if you are non-monogamous? 

According to Sandro Mora, a qualified psychosexual and relationship therapist, non-monogamous and polyamorous individuals of all dynamics should center discussions around sexual health, and be sure to undergo regular sexual health testing.

When it comes to non-monogamous agreements, there are plenty of terms and soft boundaries that might be negotiated—“but sexual health is not negotiable,” Mora explains. “Regular testing, open communication, and mutual agreement on health practices are essential to maintain a healthy and consistent relationship. If partners are not transparent about their sexual health or activities outside the relationship [or dynamic], it can lead to breaches of trust and potential conflicts.” Transparency fosters safety.

Furthermore, regular sexual health testing—which can be done at a clinic or, increasingly, via at-home kits which are then sent to a lab—is essential. “It’s easy to have an STI without noticing any symptoms, therefore it’s a good idea to get tested every few months,” Mora adds. BHOC recommends getting tested every three months if you’re having regular sex with more than one partner.

Mora is also keen to quash the misconception that vulva-on-vulva sexual activity doesn’t carry an STI risk. He notes that while it’s “considered very low risk for HIV transmission” there are other factors at play. Specifically, the transfer of one person’s bodily fluids into the body of their partner—be it through scissoring, sharing a sex toy, or by touching yourself with fingers that you have placed inside a partner—can transmit infections like genital warts or chlamydia. 

In this instance, using a barrier like a condom over a sex toy, a dental dam while scissoring, or latex gloves when fingering, can reduce risk. You can also wash any sex toys, your hands, or any other affected areas, in between different acts—as a rule, once anything goes inside anyone’s body, it will need to be washed before it goes inside someone else’s body.

For all individuals, and all types of encounters, it’s key to not make assumptions—ask partners about when they last underwent sexual testing and use barrier protection where possible, in particular with partners who do not know their sexual status. 

But remember that no sex is completely “safe.” As Mora adds: ”It’s virtually impossible to have sex with zero risk of infection. That’s why check ups for STIs are recommended every few months, even if nothing seems to be wrong.”

The importance of candid sexual health conversations

While sexual health considerations deal in risk, medical recommendations, and tips of what not to do, sex is so much more than this kind of clinical approach. 

At its core, sex is about touch, pleasure, connection—feeling your very life affirmed through being close to another person, feeling your skin rub against theirs and their hot breath on your neck. 

When we enter into candid discussions about our sexual health, we’re encouraging our partners to reciprocate in kind. It might not feel particularly erotic, but it’s an invitation to radical honestly, to showing up in our rawest, most vulnerable form. 

We’re not just beckoning our partners to participate in the mutual pleasure of touch: we’re getting even closer, into the intimate workings of our bodies.