ENM relationship types and how to choose the right one for you

Enter: ethical non-monogamy (ENM), an umbrella term for relationship structures that exist outside of monogamy—where everyone involved consents to having multiple sexual and/or romantic partners simultaneously. The term is similar to consensual non-monogamy (CNM), with ENM placing more emphasis on ethical, respectful practices.

While such a broad definition can seem overwhelming, what makes ENM especially fulfilling is that you get to set the terms of it. There are endless different forms that ENM can take—including polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and more.  

To find out what’s right for you, let’s explore the different kinds of ethical non-monogamy.

CNM vs. ENM—What’s the difference?

ENM is often used interchangeably with CNM (consensual non-monogamy). The two terms largely describe the same thing, but there are some small differences. CNM, like ENM, describes non-monogamous dynamics where everyone consents to what’s happening (unlike cheating behind somebody’s back). ENM takes this understanding further, placing stronger emphasis on practicing non-monogamy ethically—prioritizing integrity, transparency, and respect. To compare:

• CNM hinges on consent, ensuring that all parties are aware of and are comfortable with the non-monogamous arrangement at play.
• ENM also (of course) requires consent, but frontloads the ethical side of the arrangement, focusing on communication, boundaries, and compersion (feeling joy for your partners’ other relationships).

Types of ethical non-monogamy

ENM comes in many shapes and sizes. There’s no one way to go about practicing it, and you might feel drawn to one ENM style more than others. What’s important is figuring out what works for you and your partner(s), and prioritizing communication around your needs and boundaries. 

We’ve listed some of the commonly understood ENM dynamics below, but there’s no rule book that you need to stick to. You might adapt some of these styles to suit your needs, or create your own dynamic, with your own set of expectations.

Swinging

Swinging is usually defined as couples having sexual experiences with other couples. Swingers may have a specific type of arrangement (full swap, soft swap, same room, separate room etc), but typically only have sex with others on the same premises and at the same time. Sometimes they are watched by their partners, sometimes not. What really defines swinging is the openness and honesty partners take when engaging in sex with other people—everything they do, they do together, and nobody engages with someone else behind their back.

Monogamish

Coined by writer Dan Savage, the term “monogamish” means that a couple essentially functions as monogamous, with small exceptions to the rule. One example is the zip code rule, when a couple agrees to sexual exploration outside their relationship when traveling out of town. Unlike swinging, couples can be monogamish with or without each other. However, the deal is pre-agreed by all partners.

Don’t ask, don’t tell

Don’t ask, don’t tell is an arrangement where partners consent to sexual exploration outside of their relationship, but do not discuss it. While subtlety might be key here, this dynamic does require careful communication and boundary-setting beforehand—so that everyone is on the same page about the specific acts and dynamics they’re comfortable with their partner engaging in. 

Open relationships and open marriages

Open relationships or marriages typically involve two primary partners who agree to explore sexual or romantic connections with other people. This might only involve sex, or it might encompass external romantic bonds, too. However, what’s usually key in an open relationship is that partners prioritize the main partnership, while allowing for outside encounters.

Polyamory (hierarchical vs non-hierarchical)

Polyamory is when partners choose to have multiple relationships with more than one person simultaneously. These relationships tend to be romantic or emotional, as well as sexual—and polyamory itself can take many different forms. 

One way of understanding different poly dynamics is by comparing hierarchical vs. non-hierarchical structures. In hierarchical polyamory, some relationships might be more serious, or take priority over others. This might mean having a primary partner who takes priority (or a nesting partner who you may cohabit and share financial responsibilities with). If one or both people in a primary relationship date others outside of this, they may be known as secondary partners. 

Other polycules (groups of interconnected poly people) may operate with a more fluid, egalitarian, or non-hierarchical structure—or something in between. Some polycules may be closed, where all partners agree to only date and have sex with a select group of others, or open. Then there’s kitchen table polyamory, in which all partners are close or friendly with one another, but don’t all necessarily share romantic or sexual connections.

As with ENM, polyamory doesn’t look the same for everyone. You can find more information on all of these structures, and more, in our complete guide to the different poly dynamics. 

Solo polyamory

Solo polyamory is practiced by individuals who have multiple partners, but want to live a relatively independent lifestyle. They don’t typically prioritize any primary partners, or identify strongly as part of a couple, throuple, or quad etc. 

Relationship anarchy

And finally, there is relationship anarchy, a relationship style rooted in politically anarchic principles. Relationship anarchy is the act of enjoying multiple, different relationships concurrently, instead of prioritizing one primary relationship, placing equal value on romantic, sexual, platonic, and familial relationships.

How to choose the right ENM relationship type for you

ENM can take shape in dozens of different ways. Some might feel intriguing, and some might feel like they’re not for you—and that’s totally OK. If the ENM style you’re drawn to isn’t immediately clear, take time to consider which dynamic might best serve your needs—and the needs of any partners you have. You might consider some of the following aspects:

• Your emotional comfort with having multiple partners.
• How you feel about your partner forming connections with others. 
• Whether you’re interested in only sexual connections, romantic connections, or both. 

Understand what you are most excited and apprehensive about

Your level of excitement for certain aspects of ENM will show you what you want from non-monogamy. Are you mostly excited to have group sex? Are you more excited to forge emotional connections and have multiple partners? Or do you just want to explore a kink your partner isn’t open to? If you find yourself more drawn to sexual exploration then maybe swinging, an open relationship, or a monogamish arrangement is better for you. 

It can also be productive to think about certain scenarios that might come up in a given dynamic, and how you’d feel about them. For example, how would you feel about your partner going on a date with someone else while you stay home? If you attended a play partner, how might you feel about you and your partner playing separately from one another? How would you feel about watching your partner have sex with someone else, and what would help you to feel emotionally safe in that situation?

Consider your relationship with any metamours

The partner of your partner is known as a metamour. While figuring out your dynamic, you might think about what kind of relationship you’d prefer with them. How much would you like them to feature in your life? Would you like to be friends, or to not be too involved with each other? Or would you like to foster your own relationship, romantic, sexual, or friendly, as part of a polycule? 

Navigating boundaries and communication in ENM

For many people, ENM is most fulfilling when agreements and boundaries are communicated clearly. It’s not about “rules,” but about making sure that everyone understands the dynamic, and is on the same page about what others are comfortable with. 

When it comes to setting boundaries, these are some of the things you might think about: 

How to set agreements

Set aside designated time to talk to your partner(s) about the dynamics you want to establish. Make sure to voice your needs and boundaries, and listen to your partner(s) when they voice theirs, too. 

You might ask questions around the elements you’d like to include in your dynamic, and the things you’d definitely say “no” to. For example, this might look like agreeing to form external sexual connections, but not agreeing to group sex with an existing partner. 

For some folks, ENM works well when you create time for regular check-ins with partners. This doesn’t need to feel too formal or intimidating, but may just be a monthly date night where you discuss how the dynamic is working for you, alongside anything you’d like to do differently.

How to deal with jealousy

It’s totally valid if seeing, or hearing about, your partner with someone else stirs up complicated or difficult feelings. If that’s the case, make sure to communicate your reaction to your partner(s), and let them know if there’s any support you might need—whether that’s reassurance, words of affirmation, a one-on-one date night, or even a change to the dynamic. 

Many non-monogamous people work toward feeling compersion, meaning that you feel joy when your partner is happy with another person. Of course, this doesn’t come without its own roadblocks—and you can find more information in our full guide to embracing compersion.

Communicating hierarchy

If a hierarchical dynamic works best for you, it’s important that everybody involved understands the structure and partner roles in place. For example, if one or both partners in a primary relationship are dating outside of this, then any secondary partners should know that the primary relationship exists, and should be aware of any boundaries in place. When hierarchies are communicated, it helps to manage everyone’s expectations.

You may also agree on boundaries for different partners. For instance, two primary partners may agree to date secondary partners separately from one another, but won’t date or have sex with them together. 

Building your ideal ENM relationship

As we’ve described, ENM isn’t a one-size-fits-all, and neither are the individual relationship styles that fall under it. You have the freedom to redefine established or popular dynamics—or create entirely new ones—that work for you and your partners.

It might sound cliché, but communication is key. Talk openly with partners about your desires, needs, and boundaries. And if something isn’t working for you, let them know. 

For more information, take a look at our deep dive into the differences—and similarities—between open relationships and polyamory. And if you’re interested in polyamory specifically, you can find out more in our guide to the various poly dynamics. You might also find it illuminating to meet with and talk to other ENM folks about their experiences. As always, you can find people who get it on Feeld, or you might prefer to search for ENM socials in your area, or join one of Feeld’s IRL events. 

Wherever you are on your journey—whether you’re just dipping your toes into ENM, or re-evaluating an existing dynamic—finding like-minded people to connect with can be an enriching, affirming experience. Discover more about your desires on Feeld.