The Feeld Guide to Asexual Dating

An estimated 1% of us are asexual: an orientation broadly defined by feeling little to no sexual attraction to others. But asexuality isn’t about a deficit, or lacking something that “should” be there. It’s just a different way of connecting with—and being compelled by—the people around us. 

Just as with all sexual orientations, the asexual (often just called “ace”) community is a spectrum. Each person’s needs and experiences—in the realms of dating, relationships, and intimacy, for example—can differ widely. Some may want romance without any sex. Others might be favorable to having some sex. Maybe they’re into kink or play that doesn’t culminate in sex. Or there could be zero interest in any of it.

“All these caveats might sound complicated,” writes the asexual journalist Angela Chen in her 2020 book Ace, “and they are. But they are also more accurate than painting [yourself] with a broad brush.” 

So in the dating world and beyond, just know this: there are ample ways to lead a rich, connected, and fulfilling life as an ace person, just like anyone else. The fun part? Discovering what that looks like for you.

Do asexual people date?

Lots of asexual people date, and do so for a variety of reasons. Firstly, not all aces are averse to sex. Some are neutral or even favorable to it—and might be okay with having sex because their partner wants to. Some aces identify as “graysexual,” meaning they might occasionally be interested in sex themselves; or “demisexual,” meaning they do come to desire sex after forming an emotional connection with a person. (A 2019 community survey of over 6,000 asexual people, 78% reported having a sex drive to some degree.)

There are aces who are “sex-repulsed,” or “sex-negative,” too, meaning they have no interest in sex. But even then, romantic feelings can exist without sexual attraction. Love and connection can thrive without sex. For many people these things are intertwined, but not all.  

A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 74% of asexual people did report feeling romantic attraction (which can be hetero-, homo-, bi- or panromantic in nature). So, some might seek out fellow ace people to date, and just not have sex. While others find themselves exploring relationships with sexual people. 

What are some of the challenges in asexual dating?

As with any sexuality, dating as an ace comes with its own set of considerations. For those who are interested in dating other aces, for example, it can be harder to meet them, since the community is small. Or for aces who date sexual people, it can be hard to bridge the gap between the different sets of needs. There may be cases where it’s just too hard—and that’s okay. 

Just know that whatever your needs are—whether they’ve been labeled niche or mainstream, rare or common—there are partners out there for you if you want them. In the words of asexual Feeld Member Anise, 34: “You will find people who want to work with you to make a bespoke, one-of-a-kind relationship. You have a lot to offer.”

Below, with some help from Anise and other ace Feeld members, we explore some top tips for asexual dating.

How to date as an asexual person

1. Get curious 

As lots of aces can tell you, there’s a whole world of intimacy and connection styles out there to discover. Try exploring ace-friendly spaces and dating platforms—like Feeld, AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) forums, and countless others—with an open mind, and see what, and who, you find.

Jason, 33, for example, has zero interest in sex, but still finds joy in kink. “I have something akin to a fetish for brushing and braiding folks' hair, among other forms of hair play,” he says. “I've averaged meeting two new people IRL a month for the past year, with lots of matches and online conversations…[and] multiple long-term play partners.”

2. Be confident

This may be easier said than done. Just remember that asexuality is healthy and valid. There’s no need to hide it, apologize, or do anything you’re not comfortable with to appease other people. 

“Your selfhood is not a problem that you need to rationalize or explain,” says Analog Frog, 35. “So embrace the respectful, enjoy the curious, and tell the rest to get bent.”

3. Communicate

When you tell a prospective partner that you’re ace, share resources with them so they can understand. Send them to AVEN, the Trevor Project, or this article, and give them time to process it and educate themselves.

And “be upfront about [your boundaries] from the beginning,” says Morgan, 27. “It makes everything much easier later. Then, if people don't want to date you because you're ace, that's their loss.” 

Remember, too, that our needs and boundaries are always evolving. So if and when you start a relationship, keep checking in with each other about how you’re feeling as time goes on. Consider scheduling weekly or monthly time to reflect on things together (a great idea for all relationships—not just asexual ones). 

4. Find compromise

All relationships involving bridging a gap between different sets of needs. So when it comes to navigating sex and intimacy, look for happy middle grounds: if sex is never on the table, think about what is.

“I'm sex-averse—zero interest in sexual contact, no matter the bond or context,” says Jason. “But I love non-sexual physical intimacy like cuddling, making out, and non-sexual massaging and kink.”

If you don’t want anything physical, prioritize non-physical forms of intimacy: sharing new experiences together, connecting over deep conversations, giving each other compliments, exchanging little gifts. 

And for some people in ace relationships, non-monogamy can be a helpful workaround—so one person could have sex with other people and have their needs met that way, while staying romantically committed to an asexual partner.

An easy way to find mutual interests when dating as an asexual person is a Yes/No/Maybe list. Draw up a list of different kinds of intimacy with partners—then both go through and mark each one with a “yes” (if you’re up for it), a “no” (if you’re not) or a “maybe” (if you could be open to it). Highlight the things you both said yes or maybe to, and there are your compromises.

5. Embrace community

Many ace folks find support and encouragement in their dating lives by connecting with others in the ace community—not necessarily to date them, but to share experiences and solidarity; to know you’re not alone. 

You can do this on Feeld, via the AVEN forum, and many other digital spaces.

How to date asexual people

1. Broaden your understanding

There are so many misconceptions around what it means to be asexual. But try to understand that love, connection, intimacy, play, and even sex are all possibilities with ace dating, depending on the person. In the words of Silver, 27, “Aces come in all shapes and sizes.”

So first of all, if you’re dating an asexual person – or considering it – do some research. Check out resources like AVEN, the Trevor Project, and GLAAD to understand the breadth of identities and experiences under the ace umbrella. 

Then, get curious and inquisitive with your (prospective) partner about where they fall on the spectrum, and what kinds of fun you can enjoy together in light of that.

2. Discuss boundaries—and respect them

When it comes to dating an asexual person, be clear about your needs in a relationship from the off. If you do pursue a relationship, be sure to keep checking in with each other over time. “Take it nice and slow,” says Silver. “[An ace person] may be okay with some things in the beginning, but other things, not until later.”

If your needs are too different, it’s important to accept that maybe you’re just not a good match—and that’s okay. It’s valid to walk away from a relationship for this reason. But what you should never do is try to push an asexual person’s boundaries, or hope that they’ll just change their mind.

3. Find your compromises

As we’ve covered, even if you’re a sexual person dating an asexual partner, there can still be a joyous and fulfilling middle ground to be found. Whether it’s having some sex infrequently, exploring nonsexual kink and fetish, indulging in other physical intimacy like making out and cuddling, or putting the focus on nonphysical forms of intimacy, like quality time and emotional connection—there is so much to discover and enjoy together.

4. Try not to take it personally

Some people can feel hurt if a partner doesn’t want to have sex with them—as though there’s something wrong with them. But if your partner doesn’t experience sexual attraction to anyone, period, then try to understand that it’s simply not about you. 

An asexual person can be aesthetically, romantically, and intimately attracted to you on the deepest possible levels, and still just have no desire to have sex. As with all sexual orientations, this is just a part of who they are. 

Is It possible to have a happy relationship with an asexual person?

It’s definitely possible to have a happy relationship with an asexual person. Again, love, connection, and play can all thrive without sex. And all relationships involve bridging gaps between different sets of needs—sexual or otherwise. 

Of course, sometimes, the gaps can just feel too big or complicated. And when happy compromises can’t be reached, it’s okay if it feels healthiest to end it, too.

Ultimately, dating as an asexual person—or dating an asexual person—is going to encompass wildly different experiences depending on the individual. And that’s beautiful. Asexual or not, we all have different needs in relationships, and all relationships require patience, communication, and compassion to bridge certain gaps.

Dating is a journey of continuous discovery, and there’s so much more to it than sex. In the words of asexual Feeld user Troy, 26: “There are 10 trillion different ways to ‘fuck’ somebody without sex. Just pick one.”