Navigating the friend zone: Does it really exist?

In a 2021 study of 1,900 people, 68% said their current or most recent romantic relationship began as a friendship. For 20-somethings and LGBTQ+ folk, that number is even higher, with 85% of couples starting out as friends.

Getting with your best friend is common advice from people in happy relationships, and is often portrayed as something to strive for, but not all those who fall for their friends get their happy ending. Enter the “friend zone.”

The concept of "friend zone" often comes with mixed emotions and can be seen as a loaded term. It sometimes reflects outdated notions where people might feel entitled to romance or sex, perceiving friendship as a lesser outcome. While feelings of unrequited romantic interest are a common experience across all genders and sexualities—and navigating these feelings can be challenging and disheartening—true and meaningful friendships are valuable relationships in their own right. These connections can offer profound emotional depth and fulfillment, sometimes rivaling or even surpassing romantic ones in terms of satisfaction and love.

Ultimately you can’t help who you fall for, and navigating this space can be tricky. Read on to find out what the friend zone is, how to recognize it, and how to let someone down gently if you're the one doing the friend-zoning. 

What is the friend zone?

Defining the term “friend zone” might initially seem straightforward. As the Psychology Today article Escape the Friend Zone: Going from “Just Friends” to More puts it, “‘the friend zone’ refers to a situation where one individual in a friendship develops more intense feelings and wants to become ‘more than friends’ with the other person.” 

Although the idea behind the “friend zone” isn’t new, the term gained widespread popularity following a 1994 episode of Friends titled "The One with the Blackout." In this scene, Ross, who is in love with Rachel but has not revealed his feelings, is told by his friend Joey that he is stuck in the "friend zone" because he hasn’t made his move. Joey warns Ross that his chances with Rachel are dwindling unless he acts soon.

The term quickly became a part of our dating vocabulary, but it represents more than just a buzzword—it reflects deep-seated cultural ideas about relationships. On one hand, the friend zone can be seen as a natural part of human interaction—after all, not every connection is destined to be romantic. On the other hand, it sometimes perpetuates the idea that people (often women) are responsible for managing someone else's feelings simply because they enjoy spending time together.

In a society still shaped by traditional heterosexual beliefs, the notion of the “friend zone” has led to numerous articles and studies examining whether men and women can truly be friends. Many of these discussions reflect an under-appreciation and marginalization of cross-gender friendships. While media and societal portrayals often reinforce patriarchal expectations, anyone, regardless of gender or sexuality, can have feelings for a friend who doesn’t feel the same way. 

Does the friend zone really exist?

Despite its problematic implications, the term has become a common way to describe a specific type of relationship dynamic. As Morgan Anderson, PsyD, told Women’s Health: "The friend zone is essentially a way to label a relationship that removes romantic intent. It makes it clear that one or both parties are not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship.”

While some view it as a genuine social dynamic, others call it out as a loaded, patriarchal term often weaponized, particularly by cis-hetero men, to frame unreciprocated romantic feelings as an injustice rather than a natural outcome of human relationships.

A user on Urban Dictionary, a website dedicated to collecting and defining slang, described the term in 2003 as, “What you attain after you fail to impress a woman you're attracted to. Initiated by the woman saying, ‘You're such a good friend’. Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another.” Another entry in 2013 summarized: “A mythical place where misogynists go to when a woman doesn't want their penis.”

In 2018, journalist Andrea Carlo critically examined this notion, stating that the "'friend zone' is a quintessentially ugly, toxic concept that has no place in our society. Behind the entire notion stands a history of self-loathing, reactionary traditionalism, and misogyny which, as subtle as it is, manages to rear its head whenever the word comes up." Carlo emphasizes that the term devalues the importance of friendship, reducing it to something inferior to romantic relationships. She argues that rejection should not be seen as a failure but rather as a natural boundary that should be respected.

Instead of focusing on the friend zone as a barrier to romance, we should be embracing the idea that friendship and romance are two distinct but equally valuable forms of connection, neither of which should be diminished by the other.

Signs you are in the friend zone

You like someone, and you’re not sure if they feel the same. Instead of overanalyzing every interaction or trying to read someone's mind, it's best to approach the situation with clear and honest communication. If you're uncertain about where you stand, or are curious as to whether they’re interested in exploring a romantic relationship, asking them directly is the best way to find out.

Here are some common signs that might suggest someone views you as a friend, but remember, these are not definitive indicators and should not replace a direct conversation:

They emphasize the platonic nature of your relationship—If your friend often refers to you with terms like "buddy," "pal," or explicitly as a "friend," it suggests they see you purely as a friend. This "platonic language" often arises in response to affectionate gestures or compliments, subtly reinforcing the boundaries of your relationship.

Group hangouts are the norm—If someone often suggests group activities or consistently includes others in your plans, it might indicate they prefer to keep things on a friendly level. For instance, if every time you propose a one-on-one hangout, they suggest a group outing instead, it could be a sign they’re more comfortable in group settings.

Flirting isn’t mutual—If your playful banter or flirtatious comments are met with indifference or the conversation is quickly shifted away from personal topics, it may signal that they don’t share the same romantic interest. For example, if you compliment their smile and they promptly change the subject, they might not be interested in taking things beyond friendship.

They talk about their love life with you—When someone shares details about their romantic interests, dates, or dating challenges with you, it could suggest that you’re viewed as a supportive friend rather than a romantic interest.

They play matchmaker—If your friend actively tries to set you up with someone else or suggests potential romantic matches, it could suggest that they don’t see you in a romantic light. However, this may not be true for polyamorous/non-monogamous people.

Remember, interpreting “signs” can be ambiguous. The most effective way to understand someone’s feelings and intentions is to communicate directly with them. Relationships come in many forms, including friends with benefits and polyamorous dynamics, and relationships with aromantic or asexual folk, so keeping an open dialogue is key to navigating any relationship.

Why do people get friendzoned?

Though liking someone who doesn’t like you back can be painful, it’s all part of the human experience.

“For the person who wants to be more than friends, it can be really painful to know that your crush isn’t reciprocated. For the person who wants to be platonic, it can feel stressful to know that your friend wants more,” says Erica Smith, M.Ed, a sex educator who specializes in purity culture recovery and inclusive sex ed. “You may even experience pressure to feel romantic. Especially for women, when we’re socialized to not hurt people’s feelings, we may even feel guilty for holding our boundaries.”

The bottom line is that some people will not be sexually or romantically attracted to you, and that’s ok. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all. And nobody owes you anything. That includes attention, affection, flirting, sex, and romance. 

Interestingly, a growing number of people, particularly heterosexual women, are finding significant satisfaction and fulfillment in platonic relationships. In some cases, these friendships provide a level of emotional depth and support that traditional romantic relationships might not. For many, these platonic connections can offer a sense of spiritual and emotional enrichment that rivals or even surpasses what they might find in a romantic partnership. This shift in perspective reflects a broader redefinition of relationship values, where platonic bonds are recognized as not only valid but also deeply fulfilling.

But if you have found yourself unwillingly in the “friend zone”, and are just curious as to how or why it happens, here are some possible reasons beyond they’re just not that into you:

There’s a lack of attraction—Attraction is often what distinguishes a friendship from something more. In her book Why We Love, PhD biological anthropologist Helen Fisher outlines three types of love: Lust, Attraction, and Attachment. It offers the idea that often, people get friendzoned because they don't spark romantic or sexual attraction, only feelings of comfort. If one person doesn't find the other physically appealing or doesn't share a deep emotional or intellectual bond, the relationship is likely to remain a friendship. 

There’s a difference in compatibility—Sometimes, a person ends up in the “friendzone” because they and the person they like are too different. The "Matching Hypothesis" developed by Elaine Hatfield (Walster) and her team in 1966, and later supported by research from Feingold in 1988, suggests that people often form romantic relationships with those who share similar qualities. Although dated—the theory heavily focuses on physical attractiveness and status—differences in social behaviors, personality types, and life goals can make it hard for some relationships to become more than just a friendship.

There is a fear of losing a valued friendship—When we have a close bond with someone, even if there is some attraction or affection towards them that feels more than friendly, people might not express their romantic feelings because they’re afraid of damaging the friendship. When romantic intentions aren't clearly communicated, the other person may assume there's no interest, leading to a platonic relationship by default. It goes without saying that you should never assume how someone feels or what they want. The best way to find out is to simply ask them. 

How to get out of the friend zone?

Remember how we mentioned Ross as the "mayor of the [friend] zone" on Friends? He and Rachel ended up being one of the most iconic couples on TV, showing just how powerful a friendship can be when it naturally evolves into something more.

If someone only wants to be friends, it's not for you to try to persuade them otherwise. You have to respect their boundaries and how they feel. If someone tells you that they’re not interested, take that at face value. No means no. And if you really do like, care for, and respect them, then remaining friends will still be seen as a “win.”

As a sexuality educator and consultant with over 20 years of experience, Erica says: “Bottom line—you can’t ‘get out of the friend zone’ if your friend doesn’t want to be romantic or sexual. There are no special tricks to make this happen; consent must be centered in the forming of relationships.” 

That said, if you're sensing there really is potential for romance, here's what you can do to find out where you stand and move forward accordingly…

Have an honest conversation—When the time feels right, talk openly about your feelings and the possibility of a romantic relationship. But be mindful not to put pressure on them. Be ready for any response and handle it with care, aiming to keep the friendship intact. 

Erica suggests: “Be clear about your feelings. There is no reason for adults to play games when they have a romantic interest in another person. Tell your friend that you have feelings for them, and allow them time to respond.”

Ask them out on a real date—If you sense mutual interest, invite them on a proper date. Plan something that reflects both your personalities. Use subtle body language, like sitting close or gentle touches, to express your interest during the date. If things go well, you might share your deeper feelings or make a move.

Erica adds: “Definitely manage your expectations; you can be cautiously optimistic, but in the end, remember that you have no control over whether someone wants to be in a romantic relationship with you or not.”

Handle rejection gracefully—If your crush doesn't reciprocate your feelings, accept it with grace. Take time to process your emotions and focus on self-care. Avoid blaming or resenting your crush, and instead, redirect your energy towards other areas of your life.

Erica says being honest with yourself about your emotions and vulnerability is key. “If it’s really hurting you to have feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings, ask yourself can you remain just friends with them? Does it hurt too badly to have them in your life if there is no romance?” She recommends giving yourself space and time to heal. “You have to figure out what’s healthy for you going forward. It sucks to lose a friend, but if it is too painful or distracting for you, perhaps a friendship isn’t right at this time.”

How to nicely friendzone someone

If someone has reached out to you to discuss their feelings or if you sense that their emotions might be more than friendly, it's important to approach the situation with kindness, care, and most important of all, clarity. 

“Be a kind person when you tell someone else that you aren’t interested in them. Try not to leave things unclear or give people false hope,” says Erica. With this in mind, here are some tips and example messages for handling people's feelings delicately when friendzoning them:

Be honest but gentle

Start by acknowledging their feelings and thank them for their honesty. When you respond, it's important to be clear about your feelings while showing empathy for theirs.

Example text message: "Hey Chris, I really appreciate you sharing your feelings with me. I'm not looking for anything romantic right now, but your friendship means a lot to me and I hope we can continue being friends."

Use positive reinforcement

Reassure them that their feelings are valid and that you genuinely value the friendship. This helps to soften the blow and maintain a positive tone.

Example text message: "Hi Abbie, thank you for being so open with me. I'm flattered, but I'm in a place where I'd like to keep things as friends. I enjoy spending time with you and hope we can keep hanging out as friends."

Set clear boundaries with empathy

In some cases, trying to let someone down gently can result in confusion or mixed messages. Be clear about your boundaries while showing understanding of their feelings.

Example text message: "Hey, Ez! Thank you for telling me how you feel. I want to be honest: I don't see you that way. I hope this doesn't change anything because I truly value our friendship. I'd love to still do things as friends, but I appreciate it if you need some time."

Offer to discuss it in person

Sometimes, a face-to-face conversation can be more reassuring than a text. If you feel comfortable, suggest talking things over in person, so that there's no reading between the lines.

Example text message: "Hi Alex, I'd like to talk about this in person if you're up for it? I think it's important to clear the air and make sure we're on the same page. I really value our friendship and want to make sure we're good."

Erica adds: “Be mindful that the friend who has feelings for you may need to set boundaries in your friendship, around things like how much time you spend together, what kinds of activities you do together, and if you talk about romantic relationships together. Be willing to negotiate boundaries in order to keep your friendship.”

Whether you're trying to gauge if your friend wants to explore something deeper or aiming to maintain a platonic relationship without causing hurt, the key is clear communication, empathy, and respect for each other's boundaries. The "friend zone" might feel like a frustrating place at times, but it's important to recognize that platonic connections can be equally as rich and fulfilling as romantic ones. Friendships often provide profound emotional depth, intimacy, and connection—sometimes even more so than romantic relationships. In fact, for many, platonic bonds serve as a cornerstone of their emotional lives, offering satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment that rivals or even surpasses the traditional partnership model. As the value of friendship continues to be redefined, it's clear that intimacy isn't limited by romantic expectations but thrives in all forms of connection.