Hot, not broken: A punk rock guide to perimenopause

How does having a period affect your (sex) life? Full Cycle is our week dedicated to exploring everything that exists at the intersection between menstruation and intimacy—from period sex, to the strengths of each cycle phase, to how science explains the ebb and flow of desire. Our contributors unlock the liberating experience of perimenopause, and interconnected truths shared by Feeld members. We’re asking the questions—join us.

My lover once told me I was “normal” for exactly seven minutes of my life. I think he was talking about the brief, glorious pause between the hormonal chaos of my twenties and the moment perimenopause kicked down the door, demanded a whiskey, and set the curtains on fire. If you know, you know. Welcome to the plot twist you never saw coming.

For years, we were sold a story of quiet fading, of closing up. Instead, we got a punk-rock opera. This isn't a guide to surviving perimenopause; it's a concept album for your comeback tour. It’s for anyone who’s woken up in a sweat—literal or metaphorical—and realized the story isn’t over. It’s just becoming totally ours–loud and clear!

Track 1: Kill the tragedy script—reframing perimenopause as liberation

Let’s be honest: the first act of this new chapter is mostly chaos. It’s the feeling of being a stranger in a body you’ve known for decades. It’s a collective, whispered, "What the hell is happening to me?"

The old script tells us this is a tragedy, a decline. But that story was written by people who don't have to live in our bodies. The truth is, this is a recalibration. And for many, it’s a liberation. As Clinical Sexologist and Certified Sex Therapist Dr. Stefani Goerlich explains, for some people with uteruses, the possibility of unexpected pregnancy feels like an unignorable presence, and perimenopause can mark a powerful shift. "Moving towards menopause means exiting those 'childbearing years.' As a result, perimenopause [can] feel like liberation from that very real anxiety [for some],” says Dr. Goerlich. And afterwards? Desire can feel different. “There's a lot more room for sex and sensuality to be pleasurable, liberatory, and downright fun."

For others, this transition can of course be emotionally painful. Still, our mission statement here is potent: My body is not failing; it is changing. My desire is not disappearing; it is evolving.

Track 2: The brain fog & the fury—navigating the neurological symptoms of perimenopause

Before we even get to sex, let's talk about the static in your head. For some, it’s the brain fog that makes you forget the word for "fork." It’s the sudden, volcanic rage that bubbles up because someone loaded the dishwasher incorrectly. It’s the 3am panic attack that arrives for no reason at all. These can all be symptoms of a profound neurological and hormonal shift—the kind of ride you never bought a ticket for. 

Think of it like a drunk roadie crew has been let loose in your brain’s control room. Your hormones are throwing a chaotic, last-minute rave, and your neurotransmitters are the confused guests. Acknowledging this is the first step. You are not going crazy. You are an experienced manager of your hormones, and the corporate headquarters is currently undergoing a chaotic, but necessary, renovation. Give yourself grace. Tell your partners what’s happening. And for your own safety, never ever suggest to a person in this phase that their feelings about the dishwasher are "disproportionate to the event."

Track 3: Lube literacy

Now for the main event: the body’s punk-rock remix. Let's talk about the moment your vagina starts feeling less like a lush tropical paradise and more like a dusty ghost town from an old Western. Vaginal dryness is a common reality for many people experiencing perimenopause, but the solution isn't shame—it's an upgrade.

Think of lubricant as a high-end amp for your pleasure, a tool for better sex. Period. Exploring different types—water-based, silicone, hybrid—is like a "lube flight," a tasting menu for what feels best on your body now.

Dr. Goerlich offers a practical, pleasure-focused approach. "Talk to your doctor about vaginal estrogen supplementation early in your perimenopause journey," she advises, while clarifying she is not a medical doctor. 

The hook here is simple: Re-apply, not comply. You don't have to comply with painful sex, if that’s something you’re experiencing. If it works for you, re-apply lube generously and reclaim your comfort. 

Track 4: Martyrdom is not hot—a guide to pain-free sex and outercourse

Here’s a core tenet of our punk-rock manifesto: Pain is not the ticket for admission to pleasure. If sex hurts, we can pivot, instead of just powering through. We don’t need to think of martyrdom as sexy.

Pain during sex (known medically as dyspareunia) can be common during this phase. But this is a design challenge, not a life sentence. This is where you become an architect of your own pleasure. Simple micro-adjustments can make a world of difference. You might try changing the angle, adding a pillow under your hips, or switching to a position where you control the depth and pace, if it feels good to you.

This can also be a perfect time to explore the vast, incredible world of everything but penetration—let's call it the “headliner set,” since we are on a tour, where intercourse is just the optional encore. Dr. Goerlich suggests experimentation with "alternative forms of outercourse while you acclimate to your changing body.” Everyone is different, but some erogenous parts of the body include the nape of the neck, earlobes, breasts, nipples, upper thighs, feet, armpits, and more.  

“These can feel playful, novel, even kinky... while affording some space on days when vaginal sex isn't on the table for you".

Track 5: Selective arousal—understanding your new, discerning desire

The myth is that your sex drive vanishes. Mine sure didn’t, I can tell you that. The reality is often more complex and, frankly, more interesting. For some, libido skyrockets. For others, it doesn't disappear; it gets choosy. For me, that materialized into not having time for mediocre experiences.

Think of your libido as a newly hired, extremely selective bouncer at the velvet rope of your desire. You might feel drawn to being more intentional, more creative, and more honest about what truly turns you on. Your desire is discerning, becoming exquisite and, like a real punk-rock star, you know exactly what to put on a hospitality rider for your main act. Clearer asks can pave the way for better sex.

Track 6: Best sex of your life—confidence transforms intimacy

This is where the magic happens. For me, this is the dating era where I’ve finally, gloriously, stopped giving a damn. The freedom that comes from finally running out of fucks to give about your insecurities is the most potent aphrodisiac there is. I didn’t have it in my twenties; I earned it and deserve it. I’ve stepped into the lead role, consciously, and like the rock star I am!

Let me be clear: for me, and for many others, sex isn't just different—it's better than ever.  It's not in spite of age, but because of it. The self-acceptance, experience, and maturity I’ve earned translate directly to the bedroom. This newfound confidence is a common, powerful shift. As Dr. Goerlich explains:

"Perimenopause tends to hit right around the time a lot of external pressures are fading away [for some people]. Kids are out of the house. Career is in a good place. We finally have the time and energy to start feeling ourselves again—and that confidence that comes with half a lifetime of crushing it? [It] translates over into our sexual and relational confidence too."

For me, Feeld’s culture of direct communication is the perfect playground for this phase. You can state your desires, define your boundaries, and connect with others who appreciate the power of a person who knows their own mind. These aren't just dates; they're explorations fueled by a confidence you've earned.

Track 7: Reconnecting with pleasure

As our bodies change, it can sometimes feel like we need a new map. This "try-tonight" tip from Dr. Goerlich is a powerful, nervous-system-friendly way to start drawing one. It’s about celebrating who you’re becoming.

“My recommendation is to carve out some time to admire your evolving awesomeness—either alone or with your partner. Light some candles, take off your clothes, and stand in front of the mirror. Notice your softness. Admire your muscles. Pay attention to the lines of your body—in profile, from behind. If you're in a relationship? Ask your partner to join you in this and to tell you verbally what they love about your body. Give yourself permission to see your newly emerging physicality in all its sensual glory.”

Encore: The second act

This journey isn't a neat little bow. It's an encore. A reminder that this is the moment the headliner takes the stage. Perimenopause isn't a decline. It’s the moment you get to rewrite your story with all the wisdom you’ve earned and all the freedom you have deserved.

The anxieties are real, but so is the liberation. The changes can be challenging, but they can also be profoundly positive. The plot twist is this: your second act is the best one yet. You haven't changed your key, just your fire.

Ready to write your own plot twist? Whether you're exploring new desires, seeking connections who appreciate your story, or looking to have honest conversations about what you want, the Feeld community is waiting. It’s time to start your next chapter. Read more from Full Cycle.

Dr. Stefani Goerlich is a Clinical Sexologist and Certified Sex Therapist. She is the author of 5 books on sexuality and mental health, including With Sprinkles On Top: Everything Vanilla People and Their Kinky Partners Need to Know to Communicate, Explore, and Connect. 

Illustration by Lulu Lin.