A Month on Feeld… while dating according to your menstrual cycle

Full Cycle is our week dedicated to exploring everything that exists at the intersection between menstruation and intimacy—from period sex, to the strengths of each cycle phase, to how science explains the ebb and flow of desire. Our contributors unlock liberating experiences, and interconnected truths shared by Feeld members.

Welcome to a month on Feeld with J, 34, a bisexual woman in Cape Town forming connections alongside the phases of her menstrual cycle, tracking the ebb and flow of desire and discovery.

My journey with cycle tracking is a relatively new one, and a familiar story among many millennial menstruators. Having been put on the pill at 15, I’ve spent the better part of my adult life with no real understanding of my body’s monthly rhythm, and how the different phases influence my experiences. 

Now, at 34, I’ve spent a year off the pill and have found true joy in learning about my cycle. Who knew the luteal phase was such a bitch? Not me, that’s for sure. As if this bodily reconnection wasn’t enough, I came out of a four-year relationship, just before coming off the pill. So, the last year has been characterized by getting to know myself, inside and out. I also recently discovered the wonderful world of non-monogamy, thanks to my gorgeous polyamorous lover, A, who changed my life. He, along with two others—my girlfriend, B, and C, who sadly doesn’t feature much in this story as he was traveling for the month—form part of my current partner set-up. 

There’s no denying the stacked calendar, but somehow, there’s always time for one (or two) more new connections from Feeld. A non-monogamous girly, in her slut era, in tune with her cycle, and an endless scroll of hot humans? What more could you want? And, because I am nothing if not a teacher’s pet (hello, praise kink), I spoke to Dr Staci Tanouye to learn about the science of cycles.

Luteal phase, part one

At the time of writing, I’m halfway through my luteal phase. “Known as inner autumn, this phase is about transition and winding down,”... that’s the vibe, according to my cosmically-aligned period tracking app. Inner autumn sounds much more serene than how I feel, which is… meh. 

“All the mood changes that you're describing, the feeling of ‘that person sucks,’ irritability, moodiness, that is very much luteal phase,” says Dr Staci. “This phase is typically progesterone-dominant,” she explains, “and progesterone is traditionally and stereotypically the hormone that causes our PMS symptoms, such as fatigue, bloating, breast tenderness, and mood changes.” 

Emboldened by science, my general mood scrolling through Feeld is unfortunately a disinterested one. Where this would usually annoy me, currently, I feel unbothered. I’ve connected with a Canadian tourist who—according to his profile—is in the Eastern Cape, a cool 1000km away from me in Cape Town. He’s spending two weeks there, and asks if we can meet when he’s back in town for two nights. He asks me out for Sunday, and I agree, despite my disdain for plans on a Sunday. Then, he reveals the purpose of his trip: volunteering in a rural community. This warming notion chips away at my cold, steely heart, but I don’t spend too much time thinking about it. 

Instead, I find myself feeling insular, with a desire to spend time with those I know and love. Toward the end of the week, I attend a kink-adjacent party with two of my partners, A and B, and a few friends. “How many partners need to be present to consider it a polycule event?,” we joke. This is the kind of experience I could never have imagined having a few months ago. Dating more than one person, let alone having them want to hang out together, still feels like a dream. The evening is hot, sweet, and sexy—we dance all night. I’m always down for an after-party, so while both partners call it a night, my friends and I decamp to a local gay bar.  

Menstrual phase

On Monday, I get my period. My mood is flat and low. I clash with A, and instead of approaching the disagreement with compassion and collaboration, I find myself being defensive and combative. We take a few days apart to decompress, and while I want to be alone, I find myself scrolling through Feeld again. I notice a renewed sense of interest. Anyone who’s ever menstruated can attest to the indelible horniness that goes hand-in-hand with the equally indelible cramp pains, bloating, and general rattiness of a period. It’s a cruel joke—I feel grotesque, but horned up. I am also very, very tired. 

Paging Dr Staci, who explains that testosterone is the culprit here. “The luteal phase is marked by steep drop-offs of estrogen and progesterone, which is what triggers the body to have its period. So when you start your period, your estrogen and progesterone are at their very lowest points ever in your cycle,” she says. Meanwhile, testosterone levels remain pretty stable throughout the cycle. So when estrogen and progesterone drop, “you've got testosterone that's just hanging out here and is like ‘it’s my time to shine.’” That testosterone coming to the forefront means what you might expect: being led by my heightened desire and not much else. 

Nevertheless, the burning in my loins gets the better of me, and I connect with a few Feeld cuties. One is 28 years old, especially interesting—and kinky. We chat back and forth a bit, but I am in no rush to make plans. I find the slow teasing out of the conversation intriguing and genuinely want to get to know him. The Canadian checks in from the Eastern Cape, confirming that we’re still on for the weekend. I take the rest of my period easy, only going on a date with my girlfriend J and laying low the rest of the week as I mentally (and physically) prepare for an ocean swim on Sunday. 

Follicular phase 

It’s Saturday, and I wake up with a new joie de vivre. I have a girls’ lunch booked in the afternoon, so I spend the morning reconnecting and repairing with A, following our clash earlier in the week. Lunch is as hilarious and raucous as ever. We drink palomas and talk shit, bonding in that specific way a close group of girlfriends do. I have the following morning’s swim looming, so I responsibly head home early to rehydrate, carb load, and get a good night’s rest. 

On Sunday, I head out to a local beach to swim a pretty mellow mile. As I swim, I’m conflicted thinking about my date tonight. It’s a beautiful day (a plus for a date), countered by the fact that I’m swimming a mile in 14°C water. I could be very tired at the end of all this, and do I really want to exert myself further by going on a date, on a Sunday? I put it out of my mind for the time being, allowing myself to decide after my nap when I’m home. 

The post-swim, post-nap high is undeniable and, surprisingly, I am not tired at all. I ask Dr Staci about this. “The follicular phase is very estrogen-dominant, which is our feel-good hormone, so I like to say this is the ‘get shit done’ stage,” she tells me. According to the good doctor, this surge in estrogen right before ovulation, not during it, is responsible for feelings of energy and heightened libido. “That's when our estrogen is peaking, so when we're feeling ourselves, we're feeling sexy and energetic and ready to go get the world—ask that [person] out and go for it.” After ovulation, estrogen levels drop, and these feelings subside. “That high is going away,” Dr Staci explains. Not one to waste a high, I decide to go on the date.

The TL;DR of the Feeld date is that I am very happy I didn’t cancel. He is daddy dom personified. He’s smart, funny, and curious, three of my favorite traits in a person. We have drinks at a gorgeous rooftop bar before heading back to my apartment, where we proceed to have objectively some of the best sex imaginable. Daddy dom in the streets, daddy dom in the sheets. He is direct, in control, and loud. He makes me squirt, something I’ve never been able to do before. Then he does it again. The rest of this week’s energy can only be attributed to my follicular stage. I am tired, but hopped up and horny. When I relay this feeling to A, he says the follicular phase sounds Patrick Bateman-coded and, honestly, spot on. After Sunday’s dreamy date, I spend the following night with my girlfriend, and the night after that with the Canadian, again. He’s moved his flight out so we can have one more day together, so I pack a bag and head to his hotel for another evening filled with wine, good snacks, and more squirting. The dream.

Ovulation phase

I wake up in the Canadian’s hotel room. We enjoy one last moment together before it’s time for us to part ways. I am fully aware of my exhaustion levels, thanks to a few nights of poor sleep, yet somehow I am energized enough for another date—this time with a friend who asked me out. We enjoy a wonderful evening, but there’s nothing to report otherwise. 

I feel sunshine-y and warm, something Dr Staci says is the result of estrogen reaching its peak. “We notice that we feel sexier and maybe a little bit hornier during this time,” she explains. I see B on Friday for a perfect date night. We hook up for the first time, which is as good as I imagined it would be. She’s leaving town for a few weeks, so this is a sweet, sexy goodbye. And although I’ve had no less than five dates this week, for anyone keeping count, on Saturday I see A for another slow, sexy evening. 

Luteal phase, part two

Is it the luteal phase or the result of being a busy girl that’s made me so tired? Who among us can tell? Apparently, Dr Staci can, because she notes it would be progesterone causing this winding-down feeling. All I know is that at the start of this week, I feel like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. 

I have no dates planned for this week until Thursday, with the cute 28-year-old from Feeld, and I am very happy about that. The rest of the week sees me lying low, seeing a few friends, but otherwise staying out of any new romantic entanglements. Come Thursday, I’m still tired but looking forward to my date. The 28-year-old is great. He’s cute, intelligent, and asks all the right questions. The evening ends without a kiss, but I have no hard feelings about it. One of the biggest securities non-monogamy has given me is that I don’t fret about whether someone likes me or not. He texts me afterwards to say thank you and that he’d like to see me again. I’ve still got it, even in my hormonally depleted state. 

At the weekend, A and I decide to attend a kink play party. Two of A’s other partners are going, along with their respective partners. As we’re driving in, we joke about our expectations for the evening. “An orgy would be fun,” we both laugh, while acknowledging that, in reality, the best expectations are no expectations. As it turns out, the other couples had the same saucy idea and the party culminates in the six of us making our orgy dreams come true. Luteal phase be damned, nothing was killing my mood tonight. My hormones were no match for group sex with 6 hot people.  

As my cycle resets, I take stock of another round of connections, another month of moods, another chapter in this slutty, science-backed, poly-love story. The last month of dating, while being aware of my cycle, has reinforced how life and love are never linear. Maybe this approach doesn’t make me a better partner or lover, but it certainly makes me more honest—with myself and others in my orbit.

Curious about the connections waiting for you? Discover them on Feeld. To share your own experience using the app, take a look at our pitch guidelines. Read more from Full Cycle.

Illustration by Lulu Lin.