A Week on Feeld with… a gay guy exploring resurfaced connections in New York

Welcome to a week on Feeld with a gay, cis man in his 40s in New York. Join as he navigates existing connections—and new ones—online, offline, and at Feeld’s AFM launch event.

Sunday

It was a usual Sunday. I got up early, hit the gym, and was home by noon. I had work to do, but perhaps to insert the “lazy” into Sunday, I fired up the apps. I got to chatting with a recent (regrettably non-Feeld) connection. Tall (over six feet), naturally muscular (leaning beefy), and vers, he could host (my partner and I are open, but I live with him so it's better if I travel) just a few blocks away and was down to flip fuck (that is, take turns topping and bottoming in a single session), my favorite. I’m extremely vers too, and what I’m looking for tends to change with my mood, but if I had to pick one sexual practice I could do for the rest of my life, it would be flipping. In many contexts, it may be better to give than receive, but in sex, doing both is best—at least for me.

About an hour later, we were making out in his apartment, which was thankfully tidy. He’s in his 20s, which means I’m nearly twice his age. I’m aware that this kind of age difference can engender a power balance, but it doesn’t have to. Inhaling each other’s tongues, we were just two horny men. An age-based power disparity (or acknowledging our age gap at all) was not part of our sexual script. And, to be honest, I don’t consider myself a daddy. 

After mutual oral we fucked each other. I came while looking into his eyes. The eye contact made it feel even more intense. Toweling off, we agreed that we should do that again. Typically, I take that talk with a grain of salt—but this time, I really hoped it was true as he seems like he’d make an excellent fuck bud.

Monday

Going through my Feeld likes, I encountered a bud that I haven’t seen for a while. He has my number so it’s weird to see him here. He could have texted me, but maybe this was his way of putting very soft feelers out. 

Seeing his profile brings up two issues that routinely irk me about modern hookups. The first is the self-reporting on penis size, which tends to be inflated. To modulate expectations before meeting, you just have to lop an inch or two off whatever measurement anyone tells you online  (if you care about such things). But this guy’s profile is particularly adamant about his hung dick, which is the kind of self-congratulation that I can sometimes find annoying.

The other thing is that, before our last hookup, he left me waiting outside for 15 minutes in the rain. I’m not the type of person who likes it when others waste my time, so the whole situation felt extra irritating. Still, I waited around until he was ready, but we didn’t hook up again. 

Remembering both frustrations, I decide to leave his profile unliked.

In other news, Sunday boy texted me a good review of our session, telling me how hot it was. I told him I can’t stop thinking about his butt. We agreed to do it again next weekend. Already looking forward to it.

Tuesday

Tuesdays are a super busy day for me in general—I took a fitness class in the morning and did heavy production on one of my gigs that afternoon/evening. Sandwiched between this particular busy Tuesday was a doctor’s appointment. So I had very little time to play the Feeld, as it were, but I did check in a little.

I wrote back a bi guy who describes himself as DL (down low) but interested in exploring. I love providing this service. I’m sure it’s residual lust from a more oppressed time before I came out, when the straight-guy fantasy was more prevalent in my head. To be clear, I don’t chase firmly straight guys. I’m not out to convert. There are so many hot out queer guys available. And yet, there is a special pull for guys who are still toying with the idea and actively seeking experience. I think increased acceptance for queer people, better access to information, and our improved ability to connect has only widened the gray area between straight and gay—and my suspicion is there are more guys than ever in the former camp that are willing to move a bit more toward the latter. But the opposite is true as well. In my day “bi-curious” was strictly reserved for guys who slept with women but were interested in some form of man-on-man play. Today, I see so many guys who label themselves as “bi-curious” on Feeld, and then in their profiles say they’ve been gay for X amount of time but now they have a hankering for a pinch of feminine spice. That’s great too. Why limit yourself? I say this as someone who is 100 percent gay and not at all interested in blurring my own lines.

The conversation reminds me of a previous connection with a guy who identified as straight. Most of our interactions fell in the remit of outercourse—and this kind of “holding back” can create a charge. Not going all the way in an erotic scenario can cultivate an intoxicating hunger. Our connection mostly consisted of mutual masturbation while talking about how good it felt. A real bro bond. He asked if we could try frotting, which I love, but it rarely makes me come. Still, something about his stroke and the scenario had me over the edge surprisingly fast. He messaged me after he left to say he wanted me to fuck him, but we couldn’t make a time work before he left town. Of course, that might have seemed like a contradiction in light of him identifying as straight—but the breadth of human experience, sexuality, and identity never ceases to amaze me. 

Back on Feeld this week, I also connected (but did not chat) with another member who is in from out of town and describes himself as heteroflexible. Again, this is someone whose profile emphasizes exploration. He’s only in New York for a few days, so we’ll see what happens. I’m down for an adventure for sure.

Wednesday

The heteroflexible guy left the chat before there was a chat. I’m always amazed at people’s ability to ghost at will. I find it strange that anyone would connect with someone, only to then disconnect before a conversation can ever take place. Of course, everyone is entitled to change their opinion, or maybe they didn’t read/look at my profile closely enough before liking it. I suspect at least some of them are liking you to see if you’ll like them back, and once you do, no further ego boost is required. At any rate, I prefer this immediate disconnection to the people who will indulge in conversation. It seems to be going well, they talk about meeting, and then they peace out. Post nut clarity?

I find myself reflecting over past experiences. One of the first guys I ever met off Feeld identified as bi on the app, but he made it clear in person that he absolutely was not out, didn’t go to gay spaces, and sometimes dated women during our year-and-a-half (or so) of hooking up once or twice a month. He was absolutely gorgeous, the definition of toned and with Jesus-length hair, and one of the most passionate men I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. I was his sub bottom and I could have been happy in that role for the rest of my life. It’s wild to me when I think about how different I am from partner to partner—if he saw me embracing my full top energy, he probably wouldn’t recognize me.

We had a good thing going for a while, and then he stopped responding to my texts. A few months after that, he came back! New number (he sent a pic where only part of his face was visible to announce himself). But before we could even make plans to hook up again, he disappeared. I haven’t heard from him in almost a year.

Thursday

Tonight was the launch party for Feeld’s A Fucking Magazine issue two at Brooklyn’s Public Records. A multi-tiered venue, this particular soiree took place in the upstairs area, which is kind of like a big, open loft that is made up to be homey (the DJ sits close to the entry on a couch with the turntables in front of them). It was a good-looking, well-dressed crowd—like a big but laid-back apartment gathering with a twist of aughts media party vibes. I ran into one friend of mine, whom I’ve hooked up with before, and talked to him and his boyfriend (I hadn’t met the boyfriend previously, and wasn’t overtly flirty or sexual with either of them, as I don't know the terms of their agreement or how much of their extracurriculars they discuss). I saw another guy who was beautiful, like Superman with a goatee, but I didn’t catch his eye. He was either straight or uninterested.

The music was great and eclectic—the ’90s R&B of 112’s “Dance with Me” bumped right into Womack & Womack’s chill disco-era “Baby, I’m Scared of You” and later the ’80s disco of Shades of Love’s “Keep In Touch (Body to Body)” from 1982 gave way to Janet Jackson’s “All For You.” Writers Jamie Hood, Hannah Gold, and Orlando Reade read from their contributions to this issue of AFM—Hood’s “series of really unhinged affirmations” got big laughs in spots (especially when, after reading, “My pussy is exactly the right amount of tight,” she then told the crowd, “It’s true.”) Jazmine Hughes read a piece from the issue that she did not write (“Graphic Content” by Sarah Miller) but you wouldn't be able to tell that from her reading. Also her voice is great. Like commercial voiceover great. She should at least have a podcast.

Friday

As we coasted into the weekend, I had a few plans that included a house party, a (hopefully) low-key club thing, and work. There was a possibility of sexual prospects within the first two of those three things. On Feeld, a connection from the past resurfaced, someone I first met back in August. He has a boyfriend and we talked about playing together. Both are vers, which could be fun. He’s a slow responder so I wasn’t sure it was going anywhere, or at least anywhere fast.

I also received a message from a handsome bi guy I’ve connected with that veered into being curiously formal: “Hi there. Your profile stood out in a really nice way, so I wanted to say hello. How’s your day going? And what should I know about you that doesn’t show up in your photos?”. A decent exchange with a guy advertising a 9-inch penis in his profile ended with him asking if we could take our conversation to Snapchat. I’m too old for that. I mean, literally, my memory cannot withstand the demands of an active Snapchat account. After the messages disappear, I forget what was said and who I’m even talking to. Elsewhere on Feeld, an extremely hot guy that I’ve connected with before reconnected to ask me what I’m looking for (at the moment, sex, preferably ongoing), and then didn’t let me know what he’s looking for. We trailed off without meeting last time, so I’m intrigued to see how our connection develops.

Scrolling through the available profiles for potential connections, I saw a guy who describes himself as demisexual. His profile picture was a hard-on arching against his thigh in briefs—which seemed to stand in sweet contrast to his desire to build an emotional bond before sexual intimacy (which is often the case for demisexual people). I found the combination interesting, and intriguing. Few profiles contain this many multitudes. 

Saturday

We end as we began: In bed with the beefy young stud. Somehow this time was even better than the first. Sometimes, a taste of something delicious only makes you hungrier for more. He rode me to his orgasm and then told me I could stay inside of him for mine. That worked out well. Afterwards, I hung around to chat with him about life and music. We planned on meeting again. The prospect of future sex is as satisfying as the sex itself.

Curious about the connections waiting for you? Discover them on Feeld. To submit your own week using the app, take a look at our pitch guidelines. For more, dig deeper into curiosity, intimacy, and self-expression in Issue 2 of AFM, Feeld’s magazine.