What you want will surprise you: Feeld members on their Reflections realizations

Self-discovery is about more than just a one-time checklist of questions and answers. It’s an ongoing process of constant evolution, one that shifts, affirms, and surprises. That’s why we created Reflections, an academically-backed tool to help you uncover more about your desires, boundaries, and relationships. 

Here, Feeld members and ambassadors discuss their Reflections results, what surprised them, and how they’ll take their discoveries forward into new (and existing) connections. 

What was the most significant thing you learned about yourself through taking Reflections? 

“Taking Reflections made me realize I'm still figuring out what it means to be my authentic self during sex. There's a lot more room to explore. It got me thinking, what would it actually feel and look like to be totally myself in intimate moments? I'm excited to explore this more and have fun with the discovery process.”—S, 37, gender questioning, queer. 

“I have spent significant time figuring out what I like, and more so what I don’t like. You learn a lot about yourself in the process… although I did come out as less kinky than I thought I was, haha.”—Job, 34, man, heteroflexible.

“I realized that kink isn’t just something I do, it’s a large part of what forms my identity at this point in my life… I also realized how deeply I process in real time. I used to tell myself this meant I was inconsistent or processing ‘wrong.’ A yes can become a no. A no can become a maybe. Desire shifts. And that’s okay!”—Fopé Ajanaku, 29, non-binary, queer.

“I learned [that] what I am looking for has evolved from 18 months ago when I started dating again. My husband died of cancer in 2021 and it took a while to find my place in the world [once more]. Initially when I came to Feeld, I just wanted casual, exciting, fleeting. Now I want something more cerebral and substantial.”—Sally, 49, woman, bi-curious.

“I was reminded that self-knowledge doesn’t mean precision so much as texture. I often relate to categories like ‘queer,’ ‘submissive,’ or ‘non-monogamous’ not as fixed descriptors but as ongoing orientations toward uncertainty, interdependence, and care. Through Reflections, I noticed how easily I can narrate desire in relation to others, how I am drawn to their needs and pleasure, but how complex it feels to name my own in isolation. That inconclusiveness isn’t a failure; it’s a site of curiosity. I learned that I prefer questions that loosen me rather than close me down.”—Luce Howard, 26, queer.

What surprised you about your Desires, Boundaries, and Relationships? 

“While I'm pretty vanilla right now, I learned that I'm actually super open to exploring kinkier practices intentionally at my own pace. I was kind of surprised to discover I have an elevated sex drive, and that sex is actually really important to how I see myself. I'm still working on speaking up about what I need and want… The results showed I'm more open to letting people in than I thought, which was a nice surprise! I used to be pretty guarded with my emotions, so maybe I've grown more than I realized. Also, it hit me how important non-monogamy has become to who I am.”—S.

“I was surprised by the questions around comfort levels shopping online versus in-store for sex toys and accessories. Do I feel comfortable browsing and buying on the computer? One hundred percent. But the few times I’ve actually gone into a physical store, I’ve felt mortified. I’ve spent the past decade of my life dedicated to unpacking shameful feelings around sex, yet I haven’t gotten past this hurdle. I’m curious about exploring this insecurity and unpacking why it feels so taboo to occupy that kind of physical space.”—Nico U, 27, non-binary, queer.

“I learned I lean towards kink more than I thought! I would like to find safe spaces and people to discover more of myself in that regard. It's helped me to acknowledge my queerness too. [But] I have more to put into practice about expressing my needs. It's a fine line [between] giving myself up to the moment and letting someone else set the pace and tone.”—Sally.

“I noticed that while I am deeply open, emotionally available, and generally very willing to let people in, I don’t always feel deeply understood. This is still something I am learning to unpack in my life, being someone who wants so much while also trusting very little. It reminded me that expression alone is not enough. I want attunement. I want someone who can hear what I’m saying underneath the words.”—Fopé.

How will you take your Reflections results forward in your self-discovery journey? 

“[My results] will inform my conversations with potential partners. For example, bringing up non-monogamy early on and asking what they think about different ways of doing relationships. I feel like I now have better language and a framework to explain where I'm at and what I'm exploring.”—S.

“In the past, I would approach casual intimate connections with high levels of inauthenticity. I’d succumb to people pleasing or convince myself I liked something when I didn’t… While it happens much less now, I’ll still occasionally give in to this instinct to present as someone I’m not. My Reflections results revealed that I can improve upon my self expression, and perhaps I can challenge myself to stay true to my actual wants, needs, and desires.”—Nico.

“I [shared] some results with someone I'm seeing… It’s a good way of having set topics to open the conversation with.”—Job.

“I think of these results not as conclusions but as conversational material. I’ll probably share snippets with partners, not as a ‘profile’ but as a springboard for dialogue. Something like, ‘This came up for me; what about you?’…  Mostly, it reminded me to treat self-discovery as communal work, something exchanged, not achieved alone.”—Luce.

“I’m trying to be more honest with myself about the kinds of relationships, or really the kinds of experiences, I actually want. Too often I’ve let romance and sexual dalliances just happen to me, hoping that maybe, if I’m lucky, we’ll stumble into a dynamic that gives me what I need… But this life is short… It’s time to be deliberate about what I go after and what I say yes to!”—Fopé.

“It would be interesting to re-read my answers in about 6 months, retake the [tool] and see how [my responses] differ… I'm not sure I'm ready to share this with partners yet, as my current relationships are all quite new, but maybe when I feel more trust and security I will.”—Sally.

Why is self-reflection so important for you?

“I want to make choices that actually feel true to who I am. It's hard to know and ask for what you want if you don't know yourself, right?”—S.

“As a woman, who has predominately dated men in the past, I am trying to unlearn unhelpful behaviors which have previously led to me not putting my own needs first. Self-reflection helps me cement my desires and reaffirm that the relationship with myself will always be my biggest priority.”—Sally.

“Because desire is political. Reflection is part of unlearning the scripts we inherit, around possession, gender, care, power. I want intimacy that feels consciously chosen, not defaulted.”—Luce.

“Self-reflection helps me notice when I’m acting out of habit instead of choice, when I’m protecting instead of opening, when I’m being polite instead of honest. It’s how I catch myself in old patterns and figure out new ways to relate. Mostly, it’s a way to check if I’m making decisions that actually work for me, or if I need to course correct.”—Fopé.

What does constantly-evolving identity mean to you? 

“While labels are great and can be helpful,[...] self-discovery feels less daunting once you let go of the idea that one single word can describe an expansive web of experiences and feelings only you have lived with. Being non-binary, I’ve found that many people have this certain idea of what being non-binary is, like it’s a third gender with fixed characteristics. In reality, it would take probably an hour to fully describe my relationship to gender… Gender identity is so malleable and always evolving, even for cisgender folks.” 

“This fluidity also shows up in my experience with ENM. My wants and needs with ENM are always evolving. While I’ll always be a non-monogamous person, I go through periods where I only want to be with my long-term partner. I like taking away a self-prescribed pressure to be with multiple people at once solely to ‘validate’ my non-monogamous label.”—Nico.

“It has given me comfort to acknowledge [that] I evolve, and that every interaction can give me some new understanding of myself and the world around me. It makes life so interesting and stimulating.”—Job.

“After experiencing something [as] traumatic as losing a life partner, I have had to build myself back up. I want to make sure I'm doing this in the most effective way. I am also about to turn 50, so I am going through a physical transition of perimenopause along with an emotional one. I feel very lucky to be able to reinvent myself and experience joy once again, all on my own terms.”—Sally.

“I don’t want to arrive at a final version of myself, I want to keep shapeshifting in rhythm with what and who I love. That evolution feels spiritual as much as erotic: a refusal to be frozen. In relationships, this means showing up with devotion and curiosity, but without the [need] to secure or define. If anything, the constant change is a kind of fidelity to growth, to honesty.”—Luce.

Curious about unlocking more about your own ever-evolving identity? Try Reflections, a new self-discovery tool. Go beyond the surface with Feeld.