How to (actually) open your relationship

We meet Angela and Joe at a time in their marriage when tensions are high, communication is shaky, and the emotional gulf between them is widening. There’s a hope that opening things up might resolve what hasn’t been addressed between them, and reinvigorate their dwindling sex life. While the film offers an entertaining analysis of the intimate lives of two couples, Angela and Joe’s encounter with neighbors Pína (Penélope Cruz) and Hawk (Edward Norton) remains rushed, random, and impulsive.  Still, while the film may function as less of an actual blueprint for non-monogamy, it creates space for these kinds of conversations in our real relationships. 

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) can be joyful and liberating, and can help us grow as individuals and couples. That said, “the level of growth and joy is often determined by how conscious and compassionate a person is with themselves and others,” says relationship therapist Kate Loree LMFT. “If someone is operating from a highly unconscious or reactive place, [ENM] can amplify existing wounds and patterns.”

So, if trying to fix or suppress existing fractures isn’t a good reason to open your relationship—what is? What are the different ways a healthy open relationship can look? And crucially, how do you navigate the shift in a way that is thoughtful, sustainable, and fulfilling? 

With the help of Loree, plus relationship psychotherapist Joshua Terry LPC, let’s talk about it. 

What is an open relationship?

An open relationship is one of many forms of ENM. Its definition is fluid and flexible (it’s open, if you will). But broadly speaking, it refers to a primary relationship wherein partners can explore sexual, and sometimes romantic, connections outside of the relationship—either together, independently, or both. There’s often a mutual understanding that the primary relationship is the “priority,” and that any other connections are more casual, but this hierarchical model of non-monogamy isn’t universal. 

FYI, definitions of the different ways people practice non-monongamy can often overlap or blur. Learn more in our guide to open relationships, non-monogamy, polyamory, and the differences between each.

Different types of open relationships

What’s totally above board in one open relationship might be considered cheating in another—so it’s really important to discuss your boundaries, and set clear expectations and agreements, from the jump.

In some dynamics, only sexual encounters are allowed outside of the primary relationship, while romantic and emotional investment remain exclusive. In others, some degree of romance and emotion may be part of other connections.

Within your chosen parameters, you might explore:

• Monogamish vs. something more open. “Monogamish” means your relationship looks and feels monogamous a lot of the time, but you might have occasional casual encounters with others. Alternatively, you might pursue other connections more frequently and intentionally.
• Sex/dating together vs. sex/dating independently. Some open relationships involve partners who only pursue outside connections together. Some strictly do it independently. Some do a mix.
• Disclosed vs. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT). “Disclosed” means you agree to always share information about other people you’re seeing (e.g. who, when, where, and the nature of the encounter—the specifics of what you share are negotiable). DADT means you agree not to share much, or anything, about what’s going on outside of the primary relationship.
• Swinging/lifestyle culture. This carries a strong community aspect, and typically involves couples having sex with other people—often other couples—together in social or party settings.

The list goes on—and this doesn’t even scratch the surface of wider non-monogamous and polyamorous dynamics. Got questions about which arrangement is right for you? Feeld’s got you covered.

Reasons for opening a relationship 

In her seminal book Mating in Captivity, which is approaching its 20th anniversary, Esther Perel explores how many of us have become overly reliant on a single romantic partner to meet all of our social, emotional, sexual, and practical needs in life. But this isn’t always sustainable, Terry points out.

“What once used to be fulfilled by the help of an entire village has now been collapsed into one person,” he says. “So, whatever an individual’s or couple’s reasoning for exploring an open relationship, what’s often at the root of it is the question: ‘How can I/we take the pressure off?’” 

With attuned and respectful partners, open relationships “can offer tremendous fun, exploration, pleasure, connection, and excitement,” adds Loree. “In a world that often feels stressful, disconnected, and polarized, [ENM] can provide something many people crave: shame-free communities that allow for authentic self-expression, encourage play, and support the belief that you have the right to be sexually and creatively expansive.”

For some people, Terry explains, the decision to open a relationship can stem from questions of identity and values—a desire to challenge traditional notions of love and intimacy that don’t feel in alignment with a couple’s beliefs—while for others, it might be more pragmatic: a way to bridge a gap between mismatching sexual interests or desire levels. 

But whatever the reason, there’s one non-negotiable criterion: all parties have to actually want to open the relationship. Period. Doing so reluctantly—e.g. to try to “fix” the relationship or appease a partner—isn’t a healthy motivation, and a shaky foundation won’t foster a stable dynamic. Challenges and negotiations are natural, but for a dynamic to move forward healthily, all participants need to be on board.

Dive deeper into the perks and pitfalls with Feeld’s guide to the benefits and challenges of open relationships.

How to open a relationship

To approach a potential shift in your relationship structure with care, compassion, and respect, it’s important to give it consideration and thought.

Reflecting on what you actually want

First, get clear on your motivations. Is it to find more novelty and excitement? Is it to broaden and deepen the sources of connection in your life? Is it to take the pressure off of one primary relationship to meet every need? Depending on your answers to these questions, think about which dynamic might suit your desires and needs. 

“When people know what they are asking for and why they are asking for it,” says Terry, “they are able to show up with more credibility and confidence [when starting the conversation].”

Bringing up an open relationship

It’s important to start this conversation intentionally and proactively—at a time and place where you both feel safe, regulated, and free from pressure.

Tell your partner you’re interested in the idea of an open relationship, and what that could look like. Explain your “why.” Terry emphasizes the importance of leading with curiosity, allowing for rebuttal, and offering a soft landing space for questions and concerns. 

It’s a dialogue, and should be approached as such. “If what’s presented sounds more like a demand than a desire, it can instantly lead to defensiveness, conflict, and disconnection—the opposite of what you’re wanting.” 

Giving each other time and space to process

“Opening a relationship can trigger deep psychic and emotional wounds for some people,” continues Terry, “so it is always important to handle delicate conversations with the care and complexity they deserve.” If things get too tense or heated, take a break and come back. Rinse and repeat until you come to a conclusion.

And remember, in order to open a relationship safely and healthily, you’re looking to arrive at genuine attunement and mutual enthusiasm, Loree stresses. 

“We used to believe that simply saying ‘yes’ automatically meant consent,” she says. “Today, we have a deeper understanding of fawn responses, overgiving, body dysregulation, and unresolved attachment injuries—all of which can lead someone to agree to a relationship agreement that isn’t actually a true ‘yes.’”

As always, enthusiastic, informed, ongoing, and reversible consent is fundamental.

Setting boundaries for an open relationship

“Successful [ENM] requires the ability to express needs, set boundaries, and create relationship agreements that work for everyone involved,” says Loree. With that foundation, the creativity begins. So, if you’re both game to open things up, it’s time to design what that will look like.

For example:

• What types of connections are you happy for each other to pursue? Sexual, romantic, one-time, ongoing? 
• Can you stay in contact with other connections e.g. via text or social media?
• What counts as cheating for you both?
• How much do you want to know about each other’s outside connections?
• What safer sex measures will you practice?
• What else do you both need to feel safe, supported, and seen along the way?

For a more comprehensive list of questions to discuss, explore our guide to setting boundaries in ENM relationships.

Navigating an open relationship

Once you’ve decided to open your relationship, and you feel aligned on your boundaries and agreements, it will still be a process of learning, adjusting, and finding your flow. With open communication all along the way.

Take things slowly

“Too fast, too soon, and too often is a recipe for overwhelm,” says Loree. “Go at a pace that your nervous system can tolerate.” 

Start small and see how it feels for you both (learn more about checking in with and caring for each other post-encounter with our Feeld guide to aftercare for ENM relationships). Then build from there. 

Keep the communication going

As in any type of relationship, minds can change, boundaries can evolve, and new needs can arise. Many people find it helpful to schedule regular relationship check-ins—be it monthly, quarterly, or whatever rhythm feels right—where you reflect on what’s going well, and touch base about what if anything you’d like to recalibrate. 

Remember, perfection isn’t the standard—but care and respect are

Again, as with any type of relationship, open relationships aren’t always seamless. Jealousy can arise, old wounds can be triggered, or there may be boundary missteps. The question is not whether conflict or triggers will arise, but when this happens, whether everyone can show a genuine commitment to repair—instead of getting defensive or avoidant.

“The first time [ENM] triggers us, it's easy to think, ‘I can’t do this,’ ‘we need to break up,’ or ‘we need to go back to monogamy,’” says Loree. “Sometimes what is actually required is a slower pace, more reassurance, clearer agreements, or simply asking for what you need.”

Working on feeling “compersion”—AKA joy when your partner finds connection with someone else—helps too.

Opening a relationship is less about finding a solution to what’s missing, and more about cultivating space for something new. Explored healthily, it can deepen our self-awareness, strengthen our communication, and expand the ways we experience intimacy and connection. But like any relationship structure, its success will always depend on the care, honesty, and intention you bring to it. Connect with others who get it on Feeld.