How to communicate your identity in lesbian dating

The good news is, your dating pool appears to be widening—according to a Gallup study from 2024, 31% of Gen Z women in the U.S. now identify as LGBTQ+. We first covered this stat in our guide to lesbian identities—vital reading if you want to know more about the many categories of lesbian out there. 

Let’s start with the basics. The word "lesbian" describes women and some non-binary and genderfluid folks who have a romantic, physical, and/or sexual attraction to women. The word doesn’t land the same way for everyone. Some people wear it proudly; others feel like it doesn’t quite fit and may prefer terms like queer or gay, or avoid labels altogether. And then there’s dyke—a word with a complicated past, once hurled as an insult, now reclaimed by many as a badge of bold, unapologetic identity. Labels like butch and femme hold deep meaning for some, while others don’t feel drawn to any particular expression of their sexuality. The truth is, language is personal—and finding the words that feel right can take time. 

Let’s be honest: there’s no way to know someone is a lesbian unless they actively tell you. Sure, there’s flagging—the coded signals some use to show they’re part of the community—but it’s not foolproof. And it can be especially tricky for femme lesbians, who are often (wrongfully) assumed to be straight. Add in the deeper stuff like compulsory heterosexuality, and it’s easy to see how communicating who you are can feel like a minefield.

That’s where this guide comes in. Whether you’re out and proud or still figuring it out, being open about how you identify (or don’t) helps build connection, respect, and maybe even a spark. So, saddle up—let’s dig into the detail.

Why communicating your identity matters in lesbian dating

Identity isn’t just background noise—it’s an important conversation to have when getting to know the person you’re dating better. This crowdsourced lesbian dating guide on Reddit offers just one example of why this might be important: A few posters shared their experience of a date assuming they’re a submissive bottom because they’re very affectionate, or femme-presenting—but that doesn’t mean their identity governs their sexual preferences. The same is true for butches, chapstick lesbians, and every identity in between. 

In a nutshell, don’t judge a book by its cover. The way a lesbian looks doesn’t necessarily tell you everything about their identity, and that’s why it’s good to talk about it. Getting to know how someone perceives themselves and what they want from a relationship or sexual partner is an important stage in lesbian dating (or dating in general, regardless of sexuality). It’s a step that builds trust and helps both parties identify where they’re compatible and what they have in common.

When it comes to expectations, it’s a popular stereotype that in lesbian dating people move faster compared to hetero relationships—a phenomenon often referred to as the “urge to merge” or “u-hauling”. But interestingly, the stereotype doesn’t hold up as strongly under scrutiny. A 2018 Stanford University study found no significant difference in cohabitation rates between lesbian and straight couples once age and life circumstances were accounted for. What actually influences how quickly couples move in together isn’t gender or sexuality—it’s practical factors like financial stability, housing, and life stage. Of course, there are a whole bunch of reasons why people may choose to move quickly, whether that’s putting a label on their connection, moving in, traveling together, or making decisions about their futures. No two connections are the same and there’s no set timeline to follow.

Understanding who you are and communicating that clearly helps prevent mismatched expectations. It allows both people to connect over something deeper than appearance or assumption, and gives the relationship a stronger foundation, whether it’s casual, committed, or still unfolding.

Common challenges in expressing identity in lesbian dating

Expressing your identity within lesbian dating can be deeply affirming, but it’s not always easy. Many people are not only navigating societal stigma, but also fears rooted in past experiences, internalized beliefs, or uncertainty about how they’ll be understood, even within queer spaces.

For femme-presenting lesbians, visibility can be a challenge. Because femininity is often assumed to equal straight by default, femmes may find themselves frequently misread—both by straight people and, at times, other members of the LGBTQ+ community. That can mean having to come out repeatedly, just to be recognized as queer. This ongoing need to explain or validate your identity can feel exhausting, especially when you’re met with assumptions based on your appearance or gender presentation.

Some people are also untangling the effects of compulsory heterosexuality—the societal assumption and pressure that everyone is, or should be, straight. This often takes shape in the form of women and female-identifying people (those who identify with womanhood, regardless of the sex they were assigned at birth) centering men in their romantic and sexual attraction, whether consciously or not. If you’ve spent years in relationships with men, or only recently come out, it’s common to feel uncertain about what label fits or how your past will be perceived. These experiences don’t make your identity any less valid. For many, understanding and expressing who they are is a journey, not a fixed point.

Internalized homophobia can make things even harder. You might find yourself holding back affection in public, avoiding certain language, or fearing that being “too visibly queer” will lead to rejection. These feelings are often shaped by real risks and past hurts, and it's okay if they take time to unlearn.

And while queer communities can be a source of deep support and joy, they’re not immune to judgment or exclusion. People who are bisexual, non-binary, trans, or still questioning may sometimes feel out of place in lesbian spaces—especially when others try to define who does or doesn’t “count.” This can be especially hard for those whose identities or experiences fall outside dominant narratives.

As queer writer Amalie MacGowan reflects, “There is all sorts of intra-community discourse about the ways that self-expression and sexual attraction intersect and interact… you might be automatically disqualified as a potential date for reasons that might go over your head and still sometimes go over mine.” These dynamics can be confusing or painful, especially when you’re seeking connection from people who share parts of your experience.

But your identity is yours to define, and it doesn’t have to fit someone else’s expectations. Whether you’re a newly out baby gay, a proud bi-lesbian, non-binary but connected to lesbian culture, or someone who prefers no label at all—you belong in this space. The most meaningful relationships come from being able to show up as your full self, and from finding people who meet that honesty with understanding.

How to communicate your identity effectively

It can be daunting to find the right words to let a date know who you are and what you like, so we’ve put together a few tips.

Start with self-awareness

Before you can communicate your identity to someone else, it’s essential to understand it yourself. This doesn’t mean having everything figured out and putting a label on it immediately, but reflecting on what feels true for you is a powerful first step.

Ask yourself: What labels, if any, feel affirming? What does being a lesbian or queer person mean to me? What am I looking for in dating or relationships? Do my sexual preferences have a big influence on my overall identity? These questions don’t need perfect answers, but sitting with them can help you show up more confidently. 

Open and honest communication

Once you’re grounded in your own identity, the next step is communicating that clearly to others. This might happen in your dating profile, early messages, or during in-person conversations (or the tried-and-tested lesbian flagging method of clipping a carabiner to your belt loop). The key is to be upfront without pressure. Share what feels right for you, and create space for the other person to do the same.

Active listening and empathy goes a long way here. Ask open-ended questions. Check in on how someone feels about identity-related topics. Read the room, respond to conversational cues, and let the chat flow naturally, rather than feeling like you have to bring the topic up at all costs.

Leverage technology and tools

Dating apps can be powerful tools for communicating your identity, especially platforms like Feeld, where inclusivity and fluidity are core values. Many apps now include multiple options to choose from when describing your sexuality and identity, and space to write your own descriptions. 

Be intentional with what you share. Are there pronouns, labels, or relationship styles that are important to you? Are there boundaries or expectations you want to communicate upfront? Emojis can tell a story, too—some people add hearts to their dating or social media bios in the colors of the lesbian flag, for example. Subtle cues like this can signal who you are as much as overt descriptions. 

Addressing potential misunderstandings

Even with the best intentions, miscommunications can happen. When they do, it’s important not to take things personally, and to make space to talk things through (if it’s appropriate; sometimes things just don’t work out with dating, and that’s okay). If someone mislabels or misunderstands your identity, gently point it out and ask if they want to talk further. It can feel like a blow, but it’s unlikely to be malicious. 

Similarly, if you’ve made an incorrect assumption about your date based on some signals they’ve given—or vice versa—try not to let emotion get the better of you. Misunderstandings happen! That said, if you feel you and your date are really rubbing each other up the wrong way (no pun intended) it’s important to have the confidence to voice your boundaries or walk away when something isn’t working. Just because two people are lesbians, it doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily get on as people.

Your identity is not just a bunch of preferences you have; it’s who you are. Communicating that in dating is a way to honor your true self and connect with people who value those traits.

Whether you're dating as a recently out lesbian or already walking proudly in all your sapphic glory, the key is to have confidence in yourself and the things that make you, you. That self-assurance will help you set your boundaries and expectations when dating, and communicate openly about who you are. It’s important to listen and give your date ample opportunity to communicate who they are, too. Ultimately, it’s all about getting to know each other and finding out how you’ll connect together.

If you’re looking for a place to explore your lesbian identity, and to meet, connect with, and date other lesbians, you might want to try out Feeld. And if you're curious about dating women for the first time, or as someone who’s newly out, our dating guide for recently out lesbians has got you covered.