A guide to sober dating: Making connections without alcohol

Two years ago, Lola* realized something. The 23-year-old writer couldn’t remember the last time she’d had sex sober. She was drunk the first time she kissed someone, and she’d been drinking every time she’d been intimate with someone since. The realization unsettled her. Alcohol clouded her judgment when it came to sexual partners. Protection often went out the window. Sometimes she’d wake up with an “icky feeling” the morning after a hook-up, flooded with anxiety. She decided there and then that something needed to change.

Ever since that realization, Lola has been having sober first dates—and she’s not the only one. More than half (51%) of British Gen Zs don’t drink alcohol on first dates, compared with 46% of the rest of the population, according to a 2025 survey conducted by Ripple Research. And while young adults, previously deemed the “sober-curious generation,” are reportedly drinking more alcohol again, there are still many Gen Zers (and older adults) who are switching beers for sodas and kombuchas—or are at least being more mindful of how alcohol intersects with their sexual and romantic lives. 

And yet for those of us who have grown up in cultures where drinking and dating are virtually synonymous (consider how many times you’ve been asked if you “fancy grabbing a drink” on a dating app… compared to literally any other activity), the thought of navigating connections without alcohol can feel daunting. Alcohol (temporarily) calms your nerves, while dimly lit wine bars, buzzy dive bars, and cosy pubs have long been seen as perfect spaces to get to know someone new, balancing privacy and intimacy while being in the safety of others. 

What would the early days of dating feel like without the warm buzz of intoxication? When should you tell a new connection that you’re not drinking? And if you’re feeling nervous about the prospect of being intimate with someone without inebriation—what are the best ways to feel calmer, more confident, and more grounded?

Things to think about before sober dating

Finding confidence outside of alcohol

According to “sober sexpert” Tawny Lara, author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, the first step to sober dating “is getting to know who you are without alcohol.” Before going on a date, Lara suggests “dating yourself”—gaining a better understanding of your interests, passions, and turn-ons. You might want to explore a new hobby, such as joining a writing group or going to a dance class, or try looking at yourself in the mirror and saying aloud the things that you like about your appearance. 

“Don't outsource your confidence to alcohol,” Lara explains. Ask yourself why you associate drinking with dating. For instance, “Do you rely on a shot of tequila to feel more energized?” Maybe you can go on a run before dates, have a phone call with a friend, or listen to a playlist that makes you feel fired up. “Really understanding yourself and why you drink the way you do can set you up for success before you go on a date,” Lara says.

How to talk about your sobriety 

Once you’ve decided you want to try a sober date, you’re faced with another question: should you tell your date beforehand that you’re not going to be drinking? And what are you comfortable with in terms of their drinking? Lara says there is no right way to “come out” as booze-free. Some people might choose to add “sober” to their dating app profiles, which can be an efficient way of making like-minded connections. However, this can also lead to people fixating on sobriety as a topic of conversation.

How someone reacts to your sobriety can also be a good indicator of whether you want to pursue the connection. Lara says she’s been on dates with people who have ended up “trauma dumping” about their own difficult relationship with alcohol, or having a family member in recovery. “It becomes a therapy session, and it's not very sexy anymore,” she says, “They want help, and that's not what I'm here for.” Of course if anyone is judgmental or tries to pressure you into drinking, this can also be problematic. 

Embracing discomfort

Alcohol affects the part of your brain that controls inhibition, which is why you may feel more relaxed and confident after a few drinks. If you’re used to this cocktail of calming chemicals, dating without drinking can feel daunting. But according to relationship coach Ally Iseman, feeling nervous shouldn’t put you off from doing it. “Intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is inherently uncomfortable,” she says, “It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, there’s no need to run away from it.”

Iseman says that to resist the urge to people-please and order an alcoholic drink, it may be worth practicing feeling uncomfortable in everyday social interactions. For instance, you could change your coffee order at the last moment in a cafe. “Practice in low stakes environments, creating the sensation of discomfort so that your nervous system can really start tuning into the difference between uncomfortable and unsafe,” she says. “Learn to feel uncomfortable, be with that sensation. There's value in that.” 

How to navigate sober dating

Location, location, location

Getting drunk might infuse an evening with a sparkly sense of possibility, but according to sober daters, that feeling can be created without booze, too. “The setting makes the whole night different,” says Ava, a 22-year-old law student, who has been mostly sober since she was 16. 

Ava says she gets “a real kick out of a cool place” such as going to a nightclub or a gig for live music—“It's just the energy of being somewhere fun.” Many bars and pubs are now well-stocked with 0% options and mocktails (which you can order without making a big thing about not drinking). Or you might want to check out a non-alcoholic bar like Listen Bar in New York City or Shoreditch &Soul in London, for an abundance of virgin options and herbal elixirs.

Meanwhile, Tawny Lara proposes “experience dates” like strolling around a museum or a botanical garden, where there are always new things to look at and talk about. Jocelin, a 27-year-old who works for a PR agency in New York City, says that she enjoys going on “dessert dates,” like getting an ice cream together (and going on a walk if the date is going well). Walking also helps calm nerves and makes you feel more energized, allowing you to feel more grounded without the booze. 

What’s more, sober dating can be a good litmus test for how open-minded and imaginative a potential partner is when it comes to having fun. If someone can’t think of something to do that isn’t getting drinks, “we're not going on a date,” says Jocelin. “Taking alcohol out of dating is actually really helpful [for] weeding out the [incompatible] ones.”

Sober dating in the queer community

For LGBTQ+ people, sober dating may come with another layer of challenges. Nightlife plays an important part in the lives of many queer people, who may drink more regularly. One in six LGBT people drink alcohol every day, while only 1 in 10 in the general population drinks five days of the week or more, according to LGBT Foundation. Lara recommends that LGBTQ+ people look for queer communities that don’t center around drinking, whether that’s a knitting group, a run club, or a queer sauna session. 

There are also a number of parties and collectives that specifically cater to queer, sober nightlife, such as Lucid—a London-based sober social and play party. “I think [sobriety] aids for more connection and genuine connection,” says party founder Miss Masochist, “There's more room for communication, for playfulness”. 

Why date sober?

Clarity

If your idea of a date is going for (alcoholic) drinks, you’ve probably had the experience of not being into it at the beginning and then suddenly finding them hilarious and sexy after a few glasses of wine. Taking alcohol out of the equation can keep things clearer. “It's taught me exactly the type of person that I'm looking for and what I really value in a partner,” says Jocelin, who is about three years into sobriety. 

Rather than being swept up into giddy drunken chatter, Jocelin says she has more “intentional conversations,” and wants to know “What are their plans? Are their values aligned with mine?” Connecting with someone on a deeper level is easier without the crutch of alcohol, she says. “It's made me be able to be my truest self on dates, because I think the person that I was when I would get to a certain point with drinking is not who I actually am.”

Hotter, safer sex

Sex with new partners without booze might feel unfamiliar. But according to Ally Iseman, if you’re drinking alcohol to numb feelings of discomfort, you’re numbing pleasurable sensations, too. “To me, you're missing out on the full potential of what [sex] is, if you think you need an additional substance to enjoy it fully,” says Iseman. Without drinking, she finds she’s more attuned to the “whole kaleidoscope” of pleasure—“all of the intricate moments and colors and flavors” of sex. “I've fallen in love with myself,” she says, “all the different nuances my body is capable of experiencing.” 

For Lola, having sober sex has helped her be more selective about her sexual partners.  

She realized that if the thought of being naked with someone sober was terrifying, perhaps this was an opportunity to reconsider their connection. Instead, sober dates heighten her awareness of how she’s feeling—whether she feels safe with someone—and help her clearly communicate her intentions, boundaries, and desires. Sobriety “was a real confidence builder,” she reflects, “It forced me to be really, really present.”

Sober dating is all about meaningful and transparent connections. Start honest and open-minded conversations on Feeld.

*Name has been changed