Spreading the love—Or, why poly people always have to talk about it

I have been writing about sex and relationships—specifically, kink, non-monogamy, queerness, and the intersection of all three—for nearly a decade now. My full government name has appeared in reputable publications alongside articles about sex clubs, gay orgies, throuples, polyamory, porn, and BDSM. 

Something happens when you allow yourself to be so visible in your association with so-called alternative lifestyles. You become a lighthouse in a dusky harbor, attracting people looking for someone to whom they can disclose details about their personal lives. I have heard from close friends, strangers, and, most interestingly to me, acquaintances: old colleagues, friends of friends, folks I’ve met once or twice at various parties. (One in five people surveyed in the U.S. and Canada have experience with non-monogamy, as reported in Feeld’s State of Dating, Volume III). Becoming a receptacle for so many whispered secrets has taught me a couple things: one, a lot more people are in non-monogamous relationships than the average person would believe. And two, they are dying to talk about it.

Can you blame them? Monogamy, and advice on how to navigate it, is everywhere. The teen magazines that I inhaled as an impressionable middle schooler were filled with articles on how to find and keep a boyfriend. Monogamous relationships are the subject of mainstream films and books and television programs. Sometimes my monogamous friends will legally bind themselves to their partners through a contract known as marriage, and to celebrate this they may throw a party, sometimes costing thousands of dollars, and I have attended these parties, maybe taking time off work to travel, and spending money on a gift from their registry, and I have been happy to do it. (Poly people, of course, also get married all the time).

Still, at odds with such meaningfully connecting conversations is an unjust but common complaint, which goes something like this: “I don’t care if people want to be polyamorous, but why do they always have to talk about it?” I’ve heard this at parties, and from relatives, and—every couple of months—it resurfaces as the favored discourse on Twitter, aka X (yes, the same website where you can’t log on without reading dozens of posts about reality TV shows, influencer drama, and other topics that would be uninteresting to people outside the loop). These complaints might be paired with stated beliefs that poly people are cringey or greedy or secretly unhappy with their lives. (This slut-shamey rhetoric sounds not dissimilar to stereotypes drawn up against bi and pan people, or arguments made by those who claim that women would be happier as traditional wives and mothers). In all my reading up on the topic, I’ve yet to actually find any research that proves poly people are more likely to talk about their relationships than monogamous people (though, to be fair, monogamous people talk a lot).  

“Why do poly people always have to talk about it?”

Personally, I think poly people should be talking about their relationships more than they already are. Part of this comes down to the fact that it’s nice to be able to chat about your life with your friends, and is having a buddy mention that they went on a date with someone who was not their spouse really so much more offensive than them sharing that they’ve gotten into bottling their own kombucha? 

There are also real, practical benefits in being able to discuss one’s relationships. Talking through things allows us to better understand ourselves and our lives. Whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous, here are some reasons why it’s useful to talk about it.

To figure out what you want (and what you don’t)

I was fully in the dark about what non-monogamy could entail until, in my early twenties, a friend mentioned that she was going on a second date with someone who was very much not her longterm boyfriend. I knew she was in an open relationship, but I had assumed that gave her a free pass to maybe hook up with a stranger while on a business trip, and little else. 

When you decide to eschew a “traditional” relationship, you begin to learn just how many different ways there are to be non-mogamous. There are open relationships where the partners have mutually agreed that they are allowed to have no-strings-attached sex with other people, but keep emotions out of it (perhaps with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy tacked on). There are couples who date only as a pair, or maybe only play with others at kink events. There’s kitchen table polyamory, in which all partners are friendly with one another. There are solo poly people, who may have multiple partners but live a relatively independent lifestyle. There are relationship structures that I have not listed here, and likely many more that I’ve never been acquainted with.

It can be thrilling and even overwhelming to realize that a relationship can be whatever you want it to be, so long as everyone involved consents. Creating space for people to talk frankly and without judgement about their relationships can shed light on the sheer number of possibilities out there. Perhaps casual sex with strangers never appealed to you, but kitchen table polyamory is more your style. Or, maybe you think you want kitchen table polyamory, until the first time you meet your girlfriend’s other partner, and then you find you’re struggling with jealousy, or other unexpected emotions. Which brings us to the next point. 

To navigate relationship problems

What do you do when you’re out on a date with a man who is not your husband, and you run into your nosy sister-in-law? Or when your girlfriend shows you the Feeld profile of the potential third she’s been flirting with, and it turns out to be your annoying co-worker?

These may sound like premises for sitcom episodes, but they are things that have happened to people I’ve met. Non-monogamous relationships can come with their own sets of challenges. More people means there are more emotions, needs, and schedules to accommodate. Feelings of compersion can curdle into jealousy. One partner might be getting laid all the time while the other is experiencing a dry spell. Two members of a throuple may break up, with the third being forced to play peacemaker. If you are experiencing one of these scenarios for the first time, you may believe you are the only person in the world that this has happened to. Being able to talk about your poly problems will help you discover that many, many people have been in similar situations, and they will have advice on how to get through it. 

Those in monogamous relationships may read this and decide the whole poly thing sounds way too exhausting for them. And that’s fine! But monogamous relationships aren’t immune from their own problems: people get bored, or their sex drives become incompatible, or they realize they want different things from life, or they cheat. Sometimes couples are able to work through these problems and become stronger for it, and sometimes they break up and go their separate ways. 

The annoying truth is that there is no way to be a human being who has relationships with other human beings (monogamous or not) and not risk running into conflict. Just because something is occasionally challenging does not mean it isn’t worth doing.  

To identify bad behavior

All relationships—whether romantic, platonic, gay, straight, poly, monogamous—can, unfortunately, involve bad actors. 

There are some behaviors that are often invoked as a reason why polyamory is misunderstood as potentially toxic, or even abusive. Perhaps that looks like imbalances in power dynamics, coercion, manipulation, or similar behaviors. To me, it's clear that this kind of behavior is why it's so important to talk openly about polyamory. A culture of silence and shame isolates victims and only serves abusers. Unhealthy relationships come in all sorts of structures, and they don’t go away simply because we make them salient to talk about.

It’s important for people to understand that controlling, manipulative, and violent behavior is not a cornerstone of polyamory. Anyone can be a victim of abuse, but some people, including women, queers, and younger or inexperienced people are especially vulnerable. (It’s equally important for those with more power in a relationship to understand that abuse tactics will not be tolerated). Nobody deserves to be treated badly simply because they’ve opted into a non-traditional relationship. 

To make like-minded connections

Generally, a major part of dating as a polyamorous person involves finding other polyamorous people to date. You might be looking for someone who is OK with the fact that you have a partner, or that you don’t plan to “settle down” with, or who has a primary partner themselves. 

It’s also important to find friends who understand your relationships and dynamics, but with whom you or your partners aren’t romantically or sexually involved. (A feature of many tight-knit poly communities can sometimes be that almost everyone is hooking up with each other. While this can be fun and hot for a minute, it does make it trickier to find a sympathetic ear who will listen to you vent about your polycule problems. Trust me, having an impartial outsider can be a lifeline in these moments).  

The internet has made it easier than ever to forge these connections. Through Feeld, not only are you able to connect directly with potential friends and partners in the app, but you can also attend socials, events, and parties in different cities. Elsewhere, sex clubs, swingers clubs, and LGBTQ+ community spaces often host networking events for non-monogamous people. You can also search for munches in your area—low-stakes, non-sexual gatherings in public places for kinky people to meet one another (and are frequently well-attended by non-monogamous folks). These are all options to grow your community without necessarily “outing” yourself to everyone in your life. 

Personally, I prefer to be open about the fact that I am, well, open. This is not driven by any kind of ideology. I am bad at lying, and worse at keeping secrets. I, of course, don’t disclose details of my sex life to everyone, but I am very matter-of-fact about the nature of my relationship. This has its downsides. I have faced judgment from family, and prying questions from friends, and there are a whole lot of folks out there who seem to be under the impression that I’ll get involved in their unethical non-monogamy. But it has also widened my world, and has been a catalyst behind some of my most meaningful friendships and relationships. 

There will always be people out there who, no matter how you’re talking about poly relationships—loudly, discreetly, quietly, boldly—just don’t want to listen. But that’s OK. We were never talking to them anyway. 

Curious about delving deeper into all kinds of connection, and finding folks that get it? Discover what’s waiting for you on Feeld.